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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Beyond the distant star, I wish upon tonight to see you smile, If only for a while, to know you're there.

946 replies

shabbapinkfrog · 04/10/2010 10:08

Our thread to honour and remember our precious children who sadly are not 'physically' here xxxxx

OP posts:
spilttheteaagain · 20/10/2010 09:40

Morning Smile

Heliantha · 20/10/2010 09:47

Morning :) How are you feeling today? Hope you have a gentle day ahead.

shelleylou · 20/10/2010 10:23

morning all.

I got through it, all seamed strangely surreal. Was very upset when i got home from the scene then just been numb, a bit on edge at times and felt a bit teary.I went home to get ds's wellys as it was tipping it down and had an SAE that id sent of a while ago. It contained a signed photograph of Carl Foggaty. We had drinks with DB's best mates and have organised the date for our next catch up. We're going to have a joint birthday party for myself and 1 of them as our birthdays are 4 days apart. I'm looking forward to it they really are like family to us. Im feeling numb this morning but i cant concetrate on that i have raffle prizes to sort out etc and a mates hair to dye ready for the charity night on friday.

CAZ we are doing a disco night with auction and raffle with all procedes going to RoadPeace. It has helped them no end as we are really getting the word out about them. Mum was on the radio about it on monday and she was amazing. OOh that reminds me i need to check the local paper today as it should be in there again.

CazandBelle · 20/10/2010 11:22

Morning

lottie - sorry I've read back and only just seen your post about Wilf. Has having a diagnosis bought you any peace? I know parents in my school keep pushing for a diagnosis, often with the explanation that it will make them feel better if they have a name they can put down on paper.

Hows everyone today?

Shelley have you got a link to your local paper? is it on their website?

I'm trying to motivate myself to do some cleaning. Going to try and not go back to bed for a nap today. I'm just exhausted all the time, but my routine is now awful. I'm getting up late, going back to bed in the afternoon for a sleep, going to bed way past midnight. I need to start sorting myself out into a work routine now. Only 2 weeks till I go back.

shelleylou · 20/10/2010 11:27

that article isn't in the paper but another 1 is. It'll out me so will PM you it. Will give you am idea of what we are doing.

shelleylou · 20/10/2010 11:34

CAZ i've just pm'd you it.

CazandBelle · 20/10/2010 11:46

Just seen it Shelley and read. Good article. :)

spilttheteaagain · 20/10/2010 12:05

Hi Heliantha. Having a sad day here, and crying my way through our memory box and photos. It is hard to keep going isn't it?

Caz I can relate to your exhaustion. My sleep pattern is also totally up the spout and I'm worn out but can't sleep at normal times. Are you having a phased return to work?

shelleylou · 20/10/2010 12:10

Thanks Caz going to buy the paper in a little while it should be in again today lol. It helps having a journo friend. She's putting something in 3 times this week to try help publicise it for me.

CazandBelle · 20/10/2010 12:12

Yes split - my school (I'm a teacher!) have been pretty amazing. I only work 3 days a week now because the original plan was that I would be part time after Belle arrived, and I've stuck to that. Plus only doing 2 mornings my first week, 3 mornings my 2nd, thowing in a full day on my 3rd week, 2 fulls on my 4th and its not till my 5th week I'm working all my normal hours. Very slowly done and appreciated by me! My head has also said if I find I need more time on part timetable she'll keep me on phased for longer than that too.

And yes it is hard to keep going, but you will, because there is nothing else we can do. Its a while now since I've gone through Belle's memory box, book, or been in her room. I somehow don't feel strong enough at the moment.

Have done a bit of cleaning. At the rate I'm going I won't be dressed till gone 3 cuz I wanted to do my cleaning before I showered etc!

spilttheteaagain · 20/10/2010 15:45

I'm glad your work are being gentle with you. Well done on your cleaning, are you dressed yet?! Grin

Minione · 20/10/2010 17:48

Hi ladies

Feeling very nervous and anxious as we are seeing the genetecist tomorrow. I know the chances are that everything will be ok with this pregnancy and what happened to my little Malachy is highly unlikely to happen again but I'm absolutely terrified. I almost feel irresponsible that I have got pregnant (even though the consulatant gave us the go ahead to ttc). I haven't seen DH since yesterday morning as I stayed at my mum's last night and he just keeps telling my I can't keep worrying.

Sorry for banging on, I just feel a bit of a state.

lavandes · 20/10/2010 17:53

minione I am sorry I haven't had time to read all the posts and didn't realise you were pregnant. Congratulations it is wonderful. I hope everything will be OK I am sure the consultant would not have told you to go ahead unless he was sure but I understand you worrying it is only natural Good luck for tomorrow xx

CazandBelle · 20/10/2010 17:59

((Hugs)) for you Mini - I think the way you are feeling is pretty normal. We're not even ttc yet (although we're both pretty tempted not to wait til end of packet and just stop taking now... resisting atm) and already I'm terrified of it happening again too. I wish you a gentle appointment tomorrow and hope that you are very well looked after.

split I finished my cleaning and was dressed by 2! Haha!

I've just come back from Tescos. I don't know what is wrong with me. Half way around I started to feel really teary, started shaking, feeling very hot and sick. There wasn't even a trigger of a baby or anything I can put my finger on that would've started me off. Please tell me I won't keep having these panicky/anxiety episodes forever? I'm particularly upset now because I don't know what started me feeling like this.

DH is trying to do a good job of calming me down now and I have a hot chocolate on the way.

shabbadabbadingdong · 20/10/2010 18:44

mini we had to see the geneticist after Gareth died. He was very helpful and explained that Gareths 'condition' was an accident that happened at conception. He re-assured us it wouldn't increase our chances of having another child with heart problems. I hope you are helped by your appointment.

Caz - those feelings wont last forever - you reminded me of my feelings very soon after loosing my sons. There didn't need to be a reason for me to start feeling that way - I think the enormity of what has happened to all of us on this thread is totally overwhelming, especially in the early days. xx

Minione · 20/10/2010 19:19

Thanks Ladies, I went to see my GP and he has booked me with the midwife for 2 weeks time! I've spoken to my consulatant's secretary (on friday) but haven't received an appointment yet. I guess I'm worried about getting lost in the system and not having an early scan (I never got one last time and was told I would as I had previously had a miscarriage at 7 weeks). Also, my wonderful GP has retired and moved to france and I'm left with the fool who told me he could hear Malachy's heartbeat and then described his death as a miscarriage.

Caz - I know that feeling and it can hit you at the most unexpected times. I still get like it but not as frequently - driving over to my Mum's yesterday I suddenly thought 'I should be doing this with my baby, not on my own'. Take care and enjoy your hot chocolate x

everlong · 20/10/2010 20:35

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everlong · 20/10/2010 20:36

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shabbadabbadingdong · 20/10/2010 20:50

Smile Everlong - good to see you xxx

lottiejenkins · 20/10/2010 21:51

Caz. I am still coming to terms with it all at the moment!!!

CazandBelle · 20/10/2010 22:31

lottie have PMd you.

Feeling much better after a quiet evening.

Mini keep pushing to see your consultant. I'd like to think they'll be keeping a very close eye on you now, and that most of your care will be done through the hospital and consultants this time rather than GP and community midwives. Have you been given a due date yet? If your not happy with your GP is there another one in the practice you can ask to see?

shabbadabbadingdong · 21/10/2010 06:40

Morning girls xx

travellingwilbury · 21/10/2010 08:23

Morning all x sorry I haven't been around much , crappy time of year .
I hope everyone is doing as ok as they can xx

Tangle · 21/10/2010 10:23

Hi ladies,

Thinking of you today, Minione, and hope the geneticist has encouraging words for you. And that your consultant can get organised and get you booked in for an early scan. We've got an appointment at the EPU next Wendesday to find out the results of the tests they started after MC 3. I want to believe her when she says she doesn't see any reason why I should be any more likely to MC again than the net woman, but its so hard. Fingers crossed we both get good answers :)

Caz, I still get those moments. For me they often strike when I'm driving by myself in the evening. I think, for me, its because it hits me all over again that I wasn't expecting to be able to go out for the evening and the only reason I can go out and pursue hobbies is because Grace isn't here. It sucks. They are getting a bit further between, but it still happens. We're holding off TTC until we've seen the consultant as well - part of me just wants to jump straight in, but lots of me is scared something will go wrong. Right now I feel the need to know as much as possible and maximise the chances of things going according to plan. Actually the thought of not having to wait is quite terrifying. But then the thought of never having another child is terrifying as well.

spilt - so glad you feel Bobby's funeral was a positive experience, and that poem is beautiful. Grace's funeral is a good memory as well.

Shelly - sounds like things are really coming together now for tomorrow. I hope you have a fantastic night and it does well for Road Peace.

Shabs - as always, you're a tower of strength and rationality. I don't know how we'd cope without you here to hold our hands and tell us things do improve. Fingers crossed this weekend goes smoothly for you and Tom - you need to do what you feel is right. That said, I know how hard I'm finding it to make decisions for DD1 just because I'm now so paranoid that something will (must, even) go wrong in the most innocent of situations. It makes it so hard to trust your instincts, but at the end of the day I think we have to. I'll be thinking of you.

I'm dreading winter. I play in the local orchestra and they've started pulling out all the Christmas music. I knew it would be hard, just comparing where I was at the concert last year with where I am now. But they've decided to play "Walking in a Winter Wonderland". And they want it to be Bright and Zingy and Cheerful - which I guess is fair enough. There are just too many memories - one of the strongest being that we left hospital after Grace was born a day sooner than we really wanted to, mainly to avoid getting snowed in. The snow was already falling and settling when we walked to the car and by the time we got home (which is pretty rural) it had turned into a Winter Wonderland, complete with snow glistening in the lanes... I'm getting so much practice at painting on that happy face :(

shabbadabbadingdong · 21/10/2010 10:34

OMG Christmas songs - I hate them. I had my twin sons on 28th December and the day they induced me it was snowing so hard. The song that kept playing in the hospital was 'When a child is born' by Johnny Mathis....I still struggle a great deal when I hear that.

Im not even sure this week-end is still on. The mum of the kids is working all week-end and she doesn't want Tom and her two 'home alone' which I can understand. We will see what happens. I have told Tom that while they are on half term next week we will do some practising with public transport. He is delighted that I am encouraging him to go to my parents house on the bus. It is about 15 minutes from us and the bus leaves the top of our road and stops outside my mums gate BUT its a start. I want him to be independant and able to travel by himself, but I suppose that will only come from my encouragement.

The hotel owners keep inviting him out for the summer in Greece they say it every year and we just smile and nod and say 'how wonderful would that be Tom!!!' My eldest, Danny, is still wobbly about going to new places and he is almost 29 Blush - I want Tom to be different but it is so very, very difficult xx

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