Beyond the distant star, I wish upon tonight to see you smile, If only for a while, to know you're there.

[shabbapinkfrog]

Our thread to honour and remember our precious children who sadly are not 'physically' here xxxxx

Thank you Shabba

I dreamt that Charlie, George and Harry were in hospital and that they had died. I felt really at ease with the situation. It's like they were saying goodbye to me and I had gone there to see them one last time.

Does that make sense? It's like I had gone to the hospital simply to 'let them go'

I woke crying but only because I felt a real sense if relief.

Today, I'd like to plant some bluebells ready for next spring if I may. xx

Since Belle has died I keep having this recurrent dream where DH has died and our grave has been reopened. They take Belle's little pink casket out of the grave to put DH at the bottom and then her on top. Only when they are putting her back in they drop her and she falls out of her casket. :( This dream does not help with the constant anxiousness that I'm going to lose DH too. Always thinking the worst.

Before she we knew she was a girl I had this dream twice where I was having a girl, but I couldn't see her, I could hear her, but no-one would tell me where she was. :( When I think of that dream now it feels like I was having a premonition.

I've had a very difficult morning. I've been to church - they were having a baby dedication service that I wasn't expecting. That was hard enough, but a family with a baby of approximately 3 months old came and sat infront of me. Small mercy that the baby being dedicated and the baby sat by me were boys, if they were girls I think I would've completely melted down. I have a pain in my stomach from where I was getting more and more upset and anxious through the service and I've come home feeling sick. I was trapped in the middle of a row, otherwise I would've left before the end. My beautiful Belle should be 3 and half months old here with me, not in heaven.

Two old birds together, then

Sorry Mouseface and CazandBelle- x-post.

Caz - I was once trapped in a church pew with a visiting minister talking randomly about things falling from the sky, even using a helmet to illustrate his point. My DS was hit by something falling. The only thing I could do was to retreat into myself - I think that's where the very real pain comes from. I still feel my heart break anew 4 years on x

Caz

Oh sweetheart, that must have been so very hard for you today.

It's just not fair is it? The worry about losing DH is normal, part of the grieving process for Belle but it's awful, the fear, waiting for something else bad to happen to you, to DH, family.

Sending you love and strength and I hope that the sun is shining where you are today xx

Hello Heliantha

Hi ladies, just a quick hi and hello to all the new faces, so sorry for all your losses x

Caz - sorry to hear your dad was so insensitive. How are you bearing up? Glad to hear your little cat has cheered you up! I know it probably sounds sillybut our cat has helped dh and I keep going over the past few months, I've missed her this weekend!

Looking forward to seeing dh tonight x

Oh caz, just read your post about the service, it must have been awful for you. Big hugs xxxx

I've had a few dreams about babies, some a bit frightening, others not. I guess our dreams are to be expected, the worst for me are the ones where have a baby and everything is lovely. Then I wake up and the reality hits me.

Mini - doesn't sound silly at all. I get a lot of comfort from my cat.

my dd has just got a new kitten,its pure white ,realy sweet.

Aah, how cute! My good friend who lost him mum in June has got herself two kittens, she has said that they have been a good distraction and helped her over the past few months.

THat should have beed her mum.

Was just sat on the computer a little while ago and Tom had not turned his MSN off. Glanced down and it said the message was from Matty...didn't think Tom had any mates who used that nickname.

I clicked on and it said 'Hiya, have wanted to talk to you for yonks.' I kept reading it over and over, thought I had either cracked up or it was a sign from my Matty.

Told Tom, and without looking round at me he said, 'Thats what Matthew wants to be called now....'Matthew? says I' 'Yes Mum your best mates son [said with an expression like OMG Mum you are so thick]

Almost felt disappointed it wasn't from my lad

Evening folks x

Feeling weepy tonight, probably not helped by the fact I'm on my 2nd glass of wine.

It hurts.

Oh Caz . I know, we should be with our babies and it is shit.

SHabs - no, I understand why you would think like that. I'm a bit sad and I love X factor. There's a lad on there called Aidan and he's my fave, I think mainly because this is Malachy's midle name. How silly am I.

Mini I adore X Factor and dont think you are sad at all. I love Matt and want him to win....dont think I have to explain that to any of you

Morning girls xx

Morning all, another one who wants Matt to win! Just wish he would remove the cap sometimes!!

Love Matt too !

No Lottie I love his cap when he sang his song on Saturday I was as happy as a pig in muck. My favourite X factor act singing our Faliraki holiday song - wonderful x

Morning all xx

Everlong its wonderful that you are posting again - I miss you when you are not around xx

Morning ladies...

Feeling slightly brighter this morning.

House is looking like a bomb site, so going to do something with it in a bit. It actually quite nice to be having a quiet day at home on my own.

This week is Baby Loss Awareness Week. I don't need to preach to you Mummies here why it is important but I will send you the link I've been sending everyone else. www.why17.org/ I'm sure my friends on FB will be sick of me banging on about it by the end of the week but hey ho. According to the SANDS forum This Morning (ITV) were asked to cover Baby Loss Awareness Week, but instead chose to go with National Chocolate Week. Isn't it lovely to see where their priorities are with regard to important issues. Anyway, over the weekend I've emailed my local paper to try and get some coverage of the week and raise awareness, and I've also emailed my local MP this morning to make him aware and implore him to support the SANDS Why 17 campaign in government.

I've just had a very difficult phonecall.

The school where I used to work on Monday and Tuesday phoned to let me know one of the pupils in my class for the last two years died on Friday. He was a poorly boy who had been going downhill for a long time. His family are muslim and his funeral has already taken place but I'll go into the school Thursday for his school memorial service.

Selfishly I know I'll find Thursday difficult for myself, because I've not faced these people since Belle has died and I'm nervous about that. But it would be wrong of me not to attend.