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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

In memory of my beloved Fraser and all our children.Little buds sown on earth to bloom in heaven

980 replies

frasersmummy · 28/07/2010 18:52

A new haven for us all to say exactly what is in our heart or on our minds knowing that everyone understands and wont judge

OP posts:
SassySusan · 01/08/2010 11:40

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shabbapinkfrog · 01/08/2010 11:49

think you may be right!

SassySusan · 01/08/2010 11:50

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shabbapinkfrog · 01/08/2010 12:01

I will be ok in 17 days when the plane lands in Rhodes

lavandes · 01/08/2010 13:00

Hi ladies, I've got SIL and BIL here for weekend, been chopping cooking being nice, they have all gone for a walk and cinderella is here on her own cooking. oh Joy I used to love it but it is an effort today xx

SassySusan · 01/08/2010 18:51

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lavandes · 01/08/2010 19:01

Cinderalla put the meal on the table(and it was delicious I haven't lost my touch) but listen to this. Am I overreacting?

SIL You must go and see Auntie Mary (about 2 years ago her grandson was beaten up and was in a coma for 3 months, I remember it was horrible, he survived but with some lasting problems) she will know what you are going through as they nearly lost him. I said she CANNOT know because he lived I would have taken our Richard back and cared for him no matter how bad the lasting outcome. She cannot know what we are going through because he is still living and our son is dead. I do not want to hear anyone no matter how nice they are - and Auntie Mary is a very nice lady telling me they know how I feel. I was asked if perhaps was I overreacting. My husband did not comment, he knows better.

Does anyone think I an overreacting all comments welcomed. xx

SassySusan · 01/08/2010 19:08

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lavandes · 01/08/2010 19:14

sassy My husband seems to be dealing with day to day stuff but I think he hides things like deep feelings from me because he knows I am still in bits. I know he does not want to keep going over things time and time again. He is a very practical person and tries to make things OK for me in his own way. His take on it is that he can 'compartmentalise' things. I can't. I have always been far more emotional than him, but I have been married to him for 38 years and we know each other xx

lavandes · 01/08/2010 19:21

sassy Thanks for understanding. I will go and see Auntie Mary eventually as she is such a lovely lady but not yet, I couldn't cope with that. This was only the opinion of my sil Auntie Mary may be completely different but I cannot risk that at the moment. xx

SassySusan · 01/08/2010 19:43

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peterpansmum · 01/08/2010 20:23

I totally get it too Lavandes - more than ever right now what you need to do is get through each day, talk to people you choose to talk to who actually help YOU and no matter how much folks like your sil think they're helping they just have to accept that they just cannot help. The only thing that helped me was friends who just kept being friends. Didn't judge me having shit days, talking about gregor again and again and whinging on and on about how people were pissing me off left right and centre by doing or not doing something.
I remember a few months after gregor died i went to visit a good friend (her brother died as a child) and as much as i enjoyed seeing my friend her mother was there too and she kept going on and on and on about how awful it is and how it's soooo sooooooo sad and how you never get over it - yeah i know that and i really didn't need her telling me so; i remember just sitting there thinking if i don't leave shortly i'm gonna punch her!!! What I've learnt is to say no to things i don't want to do - if the answer isn't a definite yes then its a no, people i don't want to visit. Auntie Mary can wait til you're good and ready, stick with your instincts is my advice xx

travellingwilbury · 02/08/2010 07:36

Morning all xx

shabbapinkfrog · 02/08/2010 08:39

Morning girls xx

SassySusan · 02/08/2010 09:41

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shabbapinkfrog · 02/08/2010 10:02

Not too bad thanks Sassy.

Lavendes - Its a 'NO' to going to see Auntie Mary Not yet love - its too raw xx

SassySusan · 02/08/2010 10:30

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lavandes · 02/08/2010 14:31

Thanks for the advice ladies, I will take it and not be pushed into anything I am not comfortable with.
sassy that nurse was totally wrong to say anything to you at that point let alone something so insensitive.

It is Richard' 35th birthday on Sunday. We can't decide what to do with the day, we rarely saw him on his actual birthday as he did not live nearby and was probably working. But it is the day I gave birth to him. He was born during the worst storm I can remember, the electric kept going off at the hospital.
shabs counting down? xx

I went back to work today (week off sick) my boss let me go home 1 hour early. Nice when someone is kind and supportive.

hazygirl · 02/08/2010 15:08

sassy not all nurses are like that, when dr told me dd jayden was gone,she knelt down to talk to my dd,and tears rolled down her face, and the nurse as dd left a and e ,they made sure they didnt see no kids, in fact lgi,were wounderful,the whole a and e department.

shabbapinkfrog · 02/08/2010 15:53

we were questioned by police for at least an hour after Gareth died. I can still see my DH's face now....they said it was because it had been a sudden death. I kept insisting they ring the heart ward at the local childrens hospital. When they finally did, and it was explained to them they, quite simply, put their stuff in the brief cases and walked out of the room.

For many years afterwards I really thought I had killed Gareth.

deemented · 02/08/2010 15:57

Oh Shabbs, sweetheart.... there are no words.. sat here crying now at the thought of you blaming yoursef... i know it's something most of us do - i know i do - but jesus.... there are no words.

shabbapinkfrog · 02/08/2010 16:07

It was so scary. They interviewed DH first, then me and then both of us together. I can hear my Mums voice 'My daughter and her husband have NOT killed their little boy.' She was screaming at them. It was in the days before emails etc so I had to keep asking them to ring the childrens hospital.

After Matts death the policeman told us to get in the car and he would follow the ambulance to the hospital. I was totally convinced that we would be arrested then - totally and utterly convinced.

deemented · 02/08/2010 16:19

It's really strange, but when Ciaran died i expected to have to see the police... in my muddled brain, i though baby dying = police involvement, i thought i was going to have to prove that i didn't kill him.

shabbapinkfrog · 02/08/2010 16:32

I remember seeing Sally Clarke (think thats her name) being released from prison. I think she had lost 2 or 3 babies to cot death. I watched her walk free from prison and just thought 'there but for the grace of God go I.'

That poor lady died a little while ago - Im sure thats right. Poor sod.....can you imagine being falsely imprisoned and being accused of killing your babies?

travellingwilbury · 02/08/2010 17:12

I remember thinking the same about Sally . We were questioned after Harry died because he was at home when it happened . They came to see us at the hospital and then came home with us . Tbh the police were as good as they could be but if they had taken me away on the day I wouldn't have cared less . I blamed myself so much anyway that it wouldn't have been a great leap to think that the police would as well .

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