In memory of my beloved Fraser and all our children.Little buds sown on earth to bloom in heaven

[frasersmummy]

A new haven for us all to say exactly what is in our heart or on our minds knowing that everyone understands and wont judge

Oh yes Dee - that sounds very familiar

In my time on this Earth I have been all of the following:-

The lady who had twin boys that were undetected till 10 days before she had them.

The lady whose twin boy died suddenly.

The lady who is pregnant again, you know, the one who lost the twin boy.

Awwww the poor lady who has had another boy.

The lady who lost the twin boy and now her little lad has been knocked down and killed.

The lady who lost the twin, lost the little lad and is having another baby and she's nearly 41.

Awwwwwwww the lady who lost the twin, lost the little lad and has had another boy!!!

Why do people think its ok to comment???? Im quite sure I have done that with people but if it was a bereaved mum I would be so much more careful and considerate!

aww cazem... well done on getting through yesterday... I know you dont think so but you did well

Next Saturday will be odd.. I didnt have this run up to my due date as I lost fraser at 39 weeks and 5 days so he actually came into this world on his due date

sassy I dont understand people who cant talk to you about Catherine. I understand why it might be hard to talk about Fraser as nobody met him, nobody has memories apart from us...

But your dd was happy little girl with family and friends.. people should be able to talk with you about their memories

Morning ladies
Caz you did really well yesterday, I know it probably doesn't feel like it but it was a huge step to make. Going to a wedding is difficult enough but to have a newborn there . I think we have every right to feel angry and upset by others babies, I haven't come into contact with any newborns and tbh I don't know how I'll cope. One of my colleagues announced she was pregnant on the day I went for the scan when I had found out malachy had died. I've found myself being really jealous of her and angry towards her, much more so than the colleague who is due in 4 days. As the due date gets closer I feel more strange, I'm crying less and finding things easier but I feel anxious, like I'm waiting for something to happen.
Sorry I'm rambling now, hope everyone is ok x

Ramble away loe, ramble away x

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Arf - you don't know her then! She's no more a lady then i am

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Sassy , the flowers left was always a weird one for me , I was touched if anyone ever left some but if they didn't leave a little note or let me know who it was then I would get all territorial about it . I liked the idea of a visitors book Shite isn't it the things that get on our nerves now ? They are such horrible things to worry about and have to even think about .

People did stop talking to me about Harry not long after the funeral . I think if I am being generous they just didn't know what the hell to say and thought that I would fall apart or heaven forbid I might even shed a tear over him . I hated the fact that they would waffle on for hours about their children but as soon as I mentioned my son they would go quiet and change the subject .
Thankfully with perserverence on my part a few close friends will talk openly now and I am always thankful if anyone ever brings his name into conversation without it being about his death .

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A lot of people did mention the likeness and tbh I was pleased when they did but Harry was a normal human baby at 7 4 where as Jamie was a big old heifer at 12.11 so the resemblence at birth wasn't too obvious .

Dee - you cheeky bugger LOL LOL

Sassy it must be heartbreaking to have people avoid talking about your daughter. I can't understand why people wouldn't want to talk about a child, like FM said I can kind if get why people don't mention malachy as they never met him ( although I wish people would talk, not just pretend the last 9 months didn't happen) but a child who lived, it's just cruel.

I guess that's why we all come on here, although all our experiences differ we can still understand each other xxx

Shabs, you need to add one to your list:

The woman who unfailingly holds us all together and shows us there's a way to go on living our lives.

Love your list - makes me feel more normal knowing that I also have labels.

Zeno that is so lovely and so true about Shab

Ok so here goes round two - MILs hen night, I'm only doing the meal, its only a couple of hours. No energy for it, but how can I not go. At least there should be no newborns in a roudy pub.

Thank you Zeno - Much appreciated xxx

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xx

This song is how I feel about my sons

We have a lovely lady on our special thread - her name is Everlong. She had this song played at her (adult) sons funeral. If you are just reading my love - I miss you. Hope you are doing ok. xxx

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I find the anger I feel about this lfe I have been thrown into is so horrific. I feel I have been turned into a horrible person. I am thinking I am spending too much time thinking 'poor me' but it is really 'poor me' what the hell have I done to deserve this. It is so CRAP Sorry but that is how I feel now. I do know you all probably feel much the same but can it really be more CRAP xx

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Morning ladies.

lavandes - you sound in a pretty simular place to me right now. Hugs to you. Crap is an understatement. I wish I had some comforting words for you, for all of us.

Hen night was ok, first positive, no babies - learnt my lesson and escaped when I had endured as much as I felt able too. Went from meal pub to drinky pub with them, had one drink and then phoned for my lift home. Crowded pub full of drunk people is not my idea of fun.

Today is my 1st wedding anniversary. What a difference a year makes in a life. This time last year I was full of excitement and anticipation for a wonderful life together, had a simply magical day - it truely was everything we dreamed it would be. Life couldn't have been better this time last year.

Now, the baby we were expecting to arrive any day now, around our anniversary, and be a perfect first anniversary present has gone. Belle was so wanted, so loved. Why take a baby that would've had a wonderful life, full of love and wonderful things? Its so unfair - all the unwanted pregnancies, unloved babies, babies that will be abused their whole childhood - and mine is the one that had to die. These thoughts do really make me sound terrible and horrible, but its the way I feel. as lavandes said - its all CRAP.

We're going up the hotel where we got married in a few hours and staying overnight. We don't particulaly feel like celebrating, but feel we owe it to ourselves to try. I'm booked into the spa for two treatments - (advice Sassy gave me - doing something nice for myself!), and DH is 'booked' into the bar to run us up a tab no doubt! I hope he likes his gift - as first anniversary is paper I've kept it very traditional in the gift department, bought some nice paper (cost a grand total of a £1) and wrote him a poem. I'm not a poet by any means, but I'm quite proud of it!!! So I've rolled it up like a scroll and put it in a box to present it!

It'll probably take me all week to recover from this weekend, its the busiest and most I've done since Belle died. I need a quiet week this week - get all my energy up for Saturday. I miss Belle so much.

I wish you all a peaceful a day as possible. x x x

Morning my friends. xx

I have only just got up! I cant remember the last time I slept so long.

I have no words to help anyone but I do agree that 'it' is CRAP!