In memory of my beloved Fraser and all our children.Little buds sown on earth to bloom in heaven

[frasersmummy]

A new haven for us all to say exactly what is in our heart or on our minds knowing that everyone understands and wont judge

Oh TW - I remember thinking that Danny still had his PJ's on and they would think I was an awful Mum All I can hear when I think about it is my Mum shouting and crying. I really think that if they had accused me of killing my little man I would have said 'Yes, I did it, Its my fault!'

Shabs I remember them asking how we were getting home from the hospital and me telling them that they were taking us home . All I could think was that I didn't want them to think I had messed about or moved anything before they got there . They told me afterwards that they knew by the state of my house (toys and baby stuff everywhere) that they had nothing to worry about but had to go through the motions . One of them had actually gone to my old senior school oop north which was bizarre and I remember having these pointless conversations outside the hospital about old school days

They did send me a really nice letter after the funeral which I appreciated but tbh I found the whole thing a bit surreal . How could they be talking to me about my Harry ???

I didn't even realise there would be police involvement. I feel so so sad for you ladies that had to go through that.

I guess at the time their presence didn't really register as you are just so numb, but I'm just so that you had to deal with them.

The (misplaced) guilt is hard to deal with isn't it? The rational side of my brain knows that there was nothing we could have done to stop what happened, but the irrational side still holds onto some guilt. What if we'd done x? What if we hadn't done x? Would it have made a difference?

I forgot that Jamie was such a whopper TW, it makes me chuckle everytime you mention it - although I'm sure you weren't chuckling when you were crowning

OMG and the awful journey to the hospital after Matts accident! The ambulance set off on the short journey going quite fast and then I noticed it slowed right down and the policeman in the car with us just bit on his lip and sighed. I sat in the back of the police car - I was rocking backwards and forwards and just saying 'Please God, Please God, Please God - dont take Matty as well, Please God, Please God.'

Im going to have to slap myself around the face in a minute. The policeman/arresting officer of the shit that killed Matt still rings around the remember day. He is a good man.

Why is life so bloody unfair??? Why do the bad things always happen to the good people?

Must admit Dee that for many years I felt 'cursed' - everything I touched went wrong, we both lost our jobs and couldn't pay the bills, our house was re-possessed, it seemed every day there were new drama's. I would never, ever go back to the 'early days' not for all the money in the world. The feeling of utter, raw grief....the helplessness of it all, the sheer terror of remembering every, single detail.

When I think about those times now I dont recognise the Shabba of the 'early days' - I would never have believed anybody who told me that I would 'get better' that I would 'recover.'

Oh yes the drive to the hospital . My friend who was staying drove me took me . It was frosty and my neighbour came running out with some de icer and didn't even look t us . Just sprayed it and went back indoors .It is a half hour drive so a long bloody way . I always think about waiting at traffic lights that were red and no other traffic about but my friend just couldn't bring herself to drive through them .

I also don't recognise myself from those days . The things we had to do and the things we talked about is just ridiculkous to me .

Thankfully it was a c section Ilike [grn]
Don't think I would have ever recovered from having that big old bugger crown .

Tell you one thing i found really surreal.

I got to about 26 weeks, not long before they were born, and i decided i needed to actually prepare for having them. I went to the most expensive baby shop in town and i maxed out DH's credit card on a cotbed (£600!). Then from there i went to the undertakers and started the ball rolling with reguards to Ciarans funeral - chose a casket - decided on the lining, what it was to be made of, everything. Bought a cotbed and a casket on the same day.

((((((((Dee))))))))

Bloody shite with a capital Shi xxx

It is, isn't it?

I know i wasn't in my right mind at all - there's no way i would ever have spent so much on a bloody cotbed, but my rationale at the time was that we should be buying two, so i would spend what i bloody well wanted, and woe betide anyone getting in my way! Still, it's on it's third child now..

sending my love to you Dee xx

Cwtches right back at you x

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Evening ladies..

Just checking it to see how you all are. We had a very emotional but beautiful anniversary. I'm glad we went to the hotel now - it was nice to focus our attention on our happy day last year even if we had lots of tears about our year since.

I'll catch up properly tomorrow. x x x

So pleased that you had a good anniversary Caz. See you tomorrow xxx

Glad you managed to get through the day ok Caz xx

Glad you were able to get some healing time, Caz.

Speaking of healing time, i've just remembered (how could i have forgotten?) that when Brennan was nearly two, DH and i went to Ireland for a week, to a little cottage in the middle of nowhere - Oughteraard(sp?) near Galway - we were still having a tough time, DH especially, and i found it such a healing place to be. We went on long walks in the rain, and stayed in by the log fire, it was lovely. The owner of the cottage brought us fresh homebaked scones the first day we were there, and was cooing over boyo, and asked if he was our first - to which Dh promptly burst into tears, and i explained about Ciaran ect. From that moment on she took it upon herself to look after us - she'd leave casseroles and cakes and biscuits on our doorstep, she never came to visit us again, but we felt... looked after, safe somehow. It was just what we needed, i think.

I sent the lady a thank you card when i came home, and she sent me scones.

Such a random act of kindness from a total stranger though...

Oh, and the candles i light for our children were bought from there, we went to a little cottage that made them, and we chose plain white box candles with forget-me-nots painted on them.

Dee she sounds like a lovely lady . Some times it takes a stranger to know just what to do xx

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That looks gorgeous , I have never been to Ireland , to my shame . But would love to go .

No, this is it, Sassy

here

But they seem to have taken the open fire away and are using an effect fire instead - spoils the charm, somehow...

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, i've just realised i've rather hogged this thread today - sorry - i'll shut up now...

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