In memory of my beloved Fraser and all our children.Little buds sown on earth to bloom in heaven

[frasersmummy]

A new haven for us all to say exactly what is in our heart or on our minds knowing that everyone understands and wont judge

Happy Birthday Cole.
for our babies

I am at work right now so will light a candle for cole when i get home

sending you love Ilike.. hope today passes peacefully

Happy birthday Cole. I will light you a birthday candle tonight. Big hugs Ilike. xxx

I have just scrolled through and seen the list of dates. It's too long, far too long. Why are there so many names on there?

Love to all the precious angels. x

FMN Hiya my lovely

xxxx

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I think that would be a wonderful gesture. My mum does the same when she goes to the cemetery xxx

I think thats sweet Sassy. Shows someone is thinking of her.

ILike thinking or you and yours today. Happy birthday to Cole. Just about to light my candles for him.

I've been battling on had lunch with an old friend yesterday and a good catch up. Went town with mum this morning and got another £140 odd worth of raffle prizes and some more to collect early next week. Organising this really lifts my mood. One shop has even offered to have a charity collection tin on the counter for us. Im truely amazed at the generosity of some shops and individuals.

sassy I think it would be lovely for you to put flowers on the little girl's grave. It may be that she has no family left either nearby or anywhere. Maybe she will be playing with your Catherine in heaven. xx

I've not had a bad day today but I have suddenly started thinking about my mother. She died in my arms 4 years ago so I was lucky to have her for most of my life. If she was alive she would have come to me and not left my side until she thought it was Ok. She would have known what to say to me. I just want my Mum at the moment. Sad isn't it.

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She's probably busy looking after Richard, I like to think so.

Hello all xx

A candle is lit here in Sussex for Cole I Like . I hope you are getting through today as best you can xxx

I also lit a candle in the little church near my mums house for all of our wee ones (and big ones) . It is such a lovely spot and the church is left open all the time unlike here .

Back and knackered , will catch up better very soon xx

Thanks everyone. To know that Cole is remembered by people means a lot to us.

We started the day off visiting Cole and took him the sunflowers and four balloons. DH also took him a card that he had bought and written. One of C's little friends had left him a drawing which meant a lot.

I don't really feel close to C when I go to his grave anymore, if anything it seems to bring everything home even more than usual and often makes me feel angry. He was ill for so long and fought so bloody hard that it feels like he deserved to make it. It doesn't work like that though does it?

We also saw a new grave there which by the details on the name plaque I assume was a darling baby who was born asleep. It really touched me. Some more poor parents who have to go through this eternal grief.

As usual Mac kept us busy and on our toes so we didn't have as much time to dwell. But sometimes that's a good thing. It helps me shake off the funk.

Did you have a nice time away TW? It's nice to see you back.

Sassy - Cole died when he was 15mo and because he first got ill when he was 8mo he didn't progress/develop much past that, so I still very much see him as a baby. I celebrate that he would be four, but he's an eternal baby to me.

Seeing Mac progress beyond his big brother is odd sometimes. DH and I almost want M to stay frozen in time and we often wonder if we want to try and keep him as a baby as it makes us feel closer to C. Weird.

I haven't posted a picture of C. I think because it feels like an intrusion. I don't know why. I sometimes think I would like to. I think I will one day when I'm ready. He was lovely. Very mild mannered and chilled. Infact very much like Mac in temperament and looks. When I look at pictures of them at the same age the only way I can tell them apart is by what they are wearing.

Lavandes - when C died one of the first images I saw in my head was my grandad sitting at a big kitchen table looking after C. I truly believe they are together. It comforts me to think they are together.

Good evening ladies

I hope you don't mind me intruding but I noticed your new thread in active convos and was very moved by the lovely title. It's beautiful. I do read your threads from time to time but usually don't feel it's appropriate for me to post. I just wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you and your precious children, and sending very best wishes to you all for a peaceful weekend.

Take care.

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sassy* it does not matter what you sing to Catherine she knows who her mummy is, YOU are her mummy and will will be always her mummy for always

the only people who need or care about who sings to her are the people who loved her so don't worry about other people.

My Mum loved unconditionaly all her children, grandchidren and great children.

To my Children and my brother and sister's children and grandchildren she was the BEST GRANNY EVER and I know as a privae person she would not appreciate this accolade But I miss you so much Mum and hope your are resting in the peace you so deserve.

Sorry to go on about my mother but she was such a special lady that I thought she deserved a mention. She was not a 'sweet old lady' she could be a battleaxe but she seemed to understand us all with that wisdom that I think is lacking nowadays

RIP Our beloved and much missed Mum - Sally.

PS Mum please keep any eye on Richard for us xxx

Evening everyone...

Today has been really hard. Im utterly exhausted now. I think I'm glad I went for Paul (cousin) and my auntie (his Mum) was lovely with me, said she was so glad I'd come and that I was being really brave. My family were so supportive.

I was ok through the first half of the service. Nervous, but ok. Then the baby cried and I was instantly on edge - Mum said I went stiff. I just wanted to burst into tears. Managed to hold it together and concentrated on singing the hymns. There I'd got through the ceremony. Then it was time to leave.

Stupid woman (not babys mother - mother was bridesmaid so baby was being babysat) is stood in the bloody doorway with the baby, just letting everyone walk past her and coo over the baby on their way past. I physically started shaking, almost became glued to my spot and felt so trapped in the room. Only one way out - and that was past the baby.

Took all my strength to do it, I couldn't look at it the baby though - and spent the rest of the day on the verge of tears with a lump in throat barely able to talk, tense and withdrawn all day. I was just aware of the baby there all day and the rest of everything to do with the wedding has happened around me, I haven't really been invovled. There is body but not in spirit.

I don't think me attending now was a great idea, and I definately should've left after the ceremony and not done anymore, I don't know why I kept pushing myself - but you know when you keep yourself going for others, expectations I guess - its been truely awful.

The final straw came in Father of Bride speech, celebrating the new baby and how wonderful she was and precious etc etc. Ok, their excited, I get that - but they also knew my parents were there - sat directly opposite him, 5 foot away, who've just lost their precious granddaughter and me, who evidently wasn't holding it together very well in the first place. (I know the world doesn't revolve around me, but it was just one of those moments where I thought no-one thinks at all.)

I can't believe I got through the day without a complete meltdown and managed to keep the tears from rolling until I got into the toilet. (A number of times) I'm sure people knew I'd been crying throughout the day but I don't care.

I've been having the most hateful thoughts all afternoon. I should feel guilty about them, I really should, but I don't and I'm scared I'm becoming really spiteful and evil. I really hate everyone and I'm so bloody angry. I don't really mean it (the thoughts that is) but its so bloody unfair - that baby has the audacity to be alive and crying when mine is dead and silent. I actually hated them for a while today.

Its my own fault though, I knew there was going to be a newborn girl there but still went - I thought I'd psyched myself up for it enough, but I guess its one thing in my head and quite another in reality. I won't be putting myself around newborns again in a hurry. I have not coped at all today.

All I want is Belle. I should've been 39 weeks pregnant today. When do I start to deal with it? I'm dreading next Saturday (due date)

Sassy - lovely idea about the flowers for the little baby's grave. I would be touched if it was for Belle.

cazem, i so want to hug you ,my love, its so normal to feel like this, my grandson died 2006,of cot death,he went to sleep in his daddys arms,and never woke up.
jayden was our little red haired man,and its nearly four years and i find myself in tears when i see little red haired boys, he was so loved, and is so missed,dont feel guilty about how you feel,its okxxxxxxx
hello,to everyone else got to go to work,be back later,sorry not to have posted but had a lot going on lately,will see you all laterxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Morning all xx

Caz what a tough day for you yesterday , the things we put ourselves through . The non acknowledgement for me is one of the hardest parts . I used to spend days and weeks building up to something and then have 10 panic attacks and do the crying in the toilet thing and all I wanted was for someone to mention Harrys name to me . Not much to ask for but a lot of people seem incapable . Be kind to yourself today , you will be knackered xxx

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Morning girls xx

Caz you did so well to 'get through' yesterday. Its very difficult to attend events like that. We are all here for you next week (and always) you will do it my love....we are all here to prop you up and stand with you xxxxx Anger, IMO, is a good emotion - we all have every bloody right to be angry - I used to hate it when I saw twins. I used to get so angry and jealous.

Mornign folks x

Caz Even though you don't feel like it, you did so well yesterday. Please know that we're always here for you, no matter what.

I know the anger very well. I remember when boyo was in nicu, so a few weeks after Ciaran died, and there was a woman in there with twin boys. She did nothing but moan about them 'Oh how will i cope, i can't manage them both' ect ect. I used to get so angry with her - there she was, complaining about having both her boys and i would give anything just to have both my boys together. I swear i hated that woman with a passion. I often wanted to get her and give her such a slap and shake her. Not that i'm a violent person, you understand

And trollies at supermarkets used to set me off too. The ones with the two seats in the front. I couldn't put Boyo in one because the other space was empty. And that's where Ciaran should have been.

I think anger can be a good thing though.

Oh, and whilst i'm having a small rant, did anyone find they suddenly became the person whose baby/child has died at all?

I remember overhearing a conversation one day, and a group of accquaintances were talking about me and one of them said 'Oh you know Heather, the one whose baby died?' It seemed like for ages afterwards i was always referrerd to as Heather (the one whose baby died). Used to really piss me off.