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Original poster

Help, son being sent home from holiday by BIL's family

170 replies

Easy · 09/08/2005 17:00

My BIL and his partner have taken ds to Cornwall for the week. They have a grandson 2 years younger (DS is nearly 6, their GS 3) and have taken the boys away before.

Anyway, they went on Saturday, rang on Sunday to say they'd been on the beach. When they rang it was 8:15 p.m. and ds hadn't had tea then!

Yesterday they rang at 6. DS was a bit tearful, said he missed me, but was OK after a chat. SIL said they'd lost him on the beach (had to get the lifeguard to find him [gulp]) and he was tired cos of the late night on Sunday. I said was she sure he was OK, she said everything was fine, don't worry, he's OK.

This afternoon, I was at work (In a meeting actuallY) BIL calls my mobile, says DS's behaviour is awful, "In our opinion he's totally out of control", and they're all coming home, packing NOW.

I asked to speak to SIL, but he just said she's too busy packing.

I got dh to ring. The upshot is they will stay on holiday but dh has to drive to Bristol now to meet BIL, and bring DS home.

I'm so upset. I'm cross with BIL and SIL who were obviously in the middle of a row when he rang, and can't imagine what ds has done that is so awful.

I'm also cross becos we had planned a couple of evenings out this week, which we'll have to cancel now.

But mostly, my son isn't a monster. He may be over-tired, and excited, and a bit strong-willed. But not totally out of control.

And what do we say when we next see SIL?

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 10/08/2005 21:14

God easy your SIL sounds like a prize bitch. Now I've read the update I'm even crosser than I was and he's not even my son. Poor love, do give him hugs from all of us, we're all seething mad with stupid cow SIL and BIL and so sorry for your boy. You will make sure he knows it's not his fault won't you? (sorry, am sure you will but I feel so upset on his and your behalf reading this!)

ABow · 10/08/2005 21:23

I'm with www. I've been following your thread and everytime I read your updates I seeth a little more. Silly silly cow of a SIL. And poor poor boy . I should definitely ask for the £30 back if I were you!

ABow · 10/08/2005 21:25

Oh and I meant to say .. a bin bag!!! That is shocking. So disrespectful. Especially when ds is so proud of his suitcase. I mean how long does it take to pack FFS. Grrrrrr

GirlySquare · 10/08/2005 21:36

Just read this thread and am in at ILs behaviour. I agree you need to get details from them and from your ds, however IMHO they have no excuses after all they are the adults! Although I agree its better for you to remain calm, I couldn't keep it up for long

What do they expect from a 6 year old, I get grumpy if I'm tired and hungry and I'm 40+ let alone his being frightened and made to feel its all his fault.

Big (((hugs))) to ds hope ILs have crappy holiday they deserve it. Take care.

Blu · 11/08/2005 13:19

Glad to hear that he has had a happy time with his gran, at least.

I agree with oops re handling it from here on in. Forget about cases and spending money for the moment, that can be sorted out later. Trhe main thing is to understand exactly why they ejected you little boy like that. And i agree about letting them present thier case - if you go for them, they will get heated and retailiate. I suspet that if you let them talk, they will expose the holes in their behaviour and thoroughly embarrass themselves!

Then you can have your say about how extrmeley distressing it has been for him - and you, and how disruptive - gran has had to rescue him, etc.

Good luck. Bet you can't wait to hold him

Twiglett · 11/08/2005 13:22

agree with Blu .. just let them talk .. practice keeping quiet and let them hang themselves out to dry ..

I am increasingly appalled on your behalf about this and glad your DS has had a nice time at granny's

tigermoth · 11/08/2005 13:24

and if you can bear it, please come bact to tell us what your inlaws actually say to justify their unbelievable actions.

morningpaper · 11/08/2005 13:30

All sounds grim. I would try to act good-humoured with them and try to put it aside as a lesson learned (the lesson being that they don't really seem able to handle a 6 year-old so you won't be sending him on hol with them again). It sounds like their problem rather than yours/your son's, so I would try to just file it under 'they are a bit inadequate' rather than anything more negative, if you know what I mean.

Hope all is well, sounds like you have a lovely granny there!

batters · 11/08/2005 13:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScummyMummy · 11/08/2005 14:44

Wow- just caught up with this, easy. How awful for your boy abd for you. So glad he has been having a lovely time with your mum to make up a bit. I think that the aftermath should be your husband's job, really. He should listen to their side of the story and then give his brother or sister a total bollocking, imo.

Hulababy · 11/08/2005 21:57

Did you pick him up today easy? How is he now?

LeahE · 11/08/2005 22:13

((((((Easy's DS))))))

Poor little guy. I'm seething at your ILs already. But agree staying calm (icy if necessary) better than losing your rag. You don't want to give them an inch of moral high ground.

slightlymiffedmoorhen · 12/08/2005 14:12

Hi easy Hows ds? Is he ok. Been thinking about him Poor wee mite.

katierocket · 12/08/2005 14:19

ah, the poor little man. Hope he's feeling happier and you have him back for lots of cuddles.

katierocket · 12/08/2005 14:20

ps slightlymiffedmoorhen
love the name, have you changed name or are you new to MN?

slightlymiffedmoorhen · 12/08/2005 14:35

Its jsut a name change from yesterday when squirrel3 changed to furiousduck . Im normally a big hairy spider.

katierocket · 12/08/2005 14:36

ah I see. I like it.

Original poster
Easy · 12/08/2005 16:01

Just to let you know we're back, I went down to Granny's yesterday, and stayed overnight. Tonight we're hosting a dinner party, that we should have been going out to, but the change of plan means we changed the venue.

Ds is fine, had a lovely time at Granny's. on the journey back, I asked if he enjoyed Cornwall, and he said yes, told me about the beach, but not in detail. I said (with a smile) "what did you do at St Ives?" he said "I had to stay in the beach tent for a whole 5 minutes on my own". I said "Why, had you been naughty?". He said yes, but when I asked says he can't remember what he had done. "Oh, OK" says I. He went very quiet for about 10 mins after that (normally chatters the whole time in the car). I'm letting it drop there for the time being. Knowing him, I'll find out his side in a few days time, while we're in the bath or something.

Thanks all, for your concern.

ILs come back tomorrow. Wonder if they'll contact us.

oh, BTW, his spending money was in with his stuff.

OP posts:
MumOnaMission · 13/08/2005 02:22

I've just read through all this and it's made me so sad. I think your sil has to be made to realise how she's made your ds feel. I'm so glad he's ok. If you really want to get his side without questioning him too much, perhaps you could ask him to draw you a picture of the holiday because he hasn't got any photographs (presumably). Bet he draws auntie with a mean face!

Blackduck · 13/08/2005 09:18

Hi easy - so they punished him and then they STILL bundled him up and sent him home AHHHHH! This just makes me fume!
Keep us posted (if you want to and can bear to) as I just can't wait to hear their side of the story..!

Original poster
Easy · 13/08/2005 12:02

Well, I've received a long letter from SIL this morning.

Basically it seems that they feel ds's behaviour started to decline from Sunday afternoon. It seems that from Monday (when he got lost on the beach) he constantly ran away from them, wouldn't do as he was asked, threw stones and sand etc.
The letter says he was praised when he was good, but his bad behaviour continued (I'm having trouble understanding that sentence).

SIL also says he was constantly hungry (he does have a good appetite for a child) and that they didn't give him junk food, and ists that he ate cheese, turkey, wholemeal bread etc. I suspect they just didn't give him enough. He's bigger than their GS, who is a picky eater anyway, and I wonder if they just underfed him.

According to SIL, ds needs to learn that "he can't dominate adults, and that they, not he, are in charge (sic)". Well, he knows that with us, altho I accept he isn't an angel.

SIL also says 'Unfortunately he wasn't fazed that we were sending him home, and told Uncle D on the way back that he was glad he was going to Granny's because she's softer with him than we are." but she hasn't had anything like the trouble with him that they have.

Granny also said ds was definately uncomfortable with things when she picked him up.

The last sentence of their letter says they shed tears after they had sent him back, "please forgive us".

I guess they don't know how to handle my son. I don't know how to respond now, I really am bewildered. Any ideas gratefully received.

OP posts:
hercules · 13/08/2005 12:16

sounds awful for everyone.

foxinsocks · 13/08/2005 12:20

how old are they (a serious question)?

They obviously didn't know how to handle him. Perhaps it's best to say you accept their apology but think it's in everyone's interests that they don't have ds on their own until he's a bit older (you don't have to tell them that bit I suppose!). I wouldn't get into a discussion about who was right and who was wrong because you don't want to make things any worse (especially as they are family).

Blackduck · 13/08/2005 12:25

Do you think he found it hard being with another (younger)child on a continuous basis and was perhaps a bit jealous of the attention the other boy received and so did, what all children do, and played up to get attention? I'm just thinking your ds is an olny child, and this situation was a bit like finding oneself with a sibling....
Certainly does sound like perhapsthey didn't feed him enough as well....the comment in the car to his Uncle could just have been defiance at being sent away - a 'I don't care' attitude...doesn't mean he wasn't bothered, just determined not to show it..

fairydust · 13/08/2005 12:25

all i can say is OMG this does not sound like your ds Easy - when i met him he was such a polite well mannored well behaved little boy and in the time that's past i don't think he'd have changed that much...

I don't know your SIL & BIL but i think they are passing blame on to your ds rather than looking a little closer at them selfs. - i'm not saying your ds is an angel cause lets face what child is but i do think that letter is a little harsh.
I hope it all gets sorted for you

Love FD xxx