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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Help, son being sent home from holiday by BIL's family

170 replies

Easy · 09/08/2005 17:00

My BIL and his partner have taken ds to Cornwall for the week. They have a grandson 2 years younger (DS is nearly 6, their GS 3) and have taken the boys away before.

Anyway, they went on Saturday, rang on Sunday to say they'd been on the beach. When they rang it was 8:15 p.m. and ds hadn't had tea then!

Yesterday they rang at 6. DS was a bit tearful, said he missed me, but was OK after a chat. SIL said they'd lost him on the beach (had to get the lifeguard to find him [gulp]) and he was tired cos of the late night on Sunday. I said was she sure he was OK, she said everything was fine, don't worry, he's OK.

This afternoon, I was at work (In a meeting actuallY) BIL calls my mobile, says DS's behaviour is awful, "In our opinion he's totally out of control", and they're all coming home, packing NOW.

I asked to speak to SIL, but he just said she's too busy packing.

I got dh to ring. The upshot is they will stay on holiday but dh has to drive to Bristol now to meet BIL, and bring DS home.

I'm so upset. I'm cross with BIL and SIL who were obviously in the middle of a row when he rang, and can't imagine what ds has done that is so awful.

I'm also cross becos we had planned a couple of evenings out this week, which we'll have to cancel now.

But mostly, my son isn't a monster. He may be over-tired, and excited, and a bit strong-willed. But not totally out of control.

And what do we say when we next see SIL?

OP posts:

MumOnaMission · 14/08/2005 00:21

Easy I think your letter is brilliant and I don't think you should leave anything out if it's what you want to say. This is your one and only chance to say it if you want to close the door on the matter. If you miss things out you will probably always want to say them but can't because that will re-open the door and turn into an ongoing feud.

jabberwocky · 14/08/2005 02:03

Easy, have been following this thread and my heart goes out to you and your ds. Everyone has given excellent advice and your letter is brilliant. Have nothing really to add, but just wanted you to know I'm with you on this!

tigermoth · 14/08/2005 09:22

spot on letter, easy. The more I think about your son, the more angry I am. Why on earth didn't your SIl or BIL phone you to let you know they were having a few problems.

If possible, I think it would be best to leave the letter a few days before sending it, just so you are totally sure about it. It's a great letter, I am just thinking of your inlaws' reactions to it.

But you say you need the suitcase back asap, so can you not post the letter, but hand it to the inlaws just after they give you the suitcase, when you are leaving, then you know they will see the letter only after you have gone.

spidermama · 14/08/2005 13:13

D'you know what I'd do Easy? I'd give your ds paper and pencils and suggest he draw pictures about his holiday. Put some nice music on and have a good old art session. It might help
him to process his feelings whilst giving clues to you as to how this has affected him.

MumOnaMission · 14/08/2005 13:21

Oi! That was my idea.

roisin · 14/08/2005 16:57

Easy, I've just seen this, and am very sad at what you and ds have been through.

I would like to email you, but haven't got your address now (new pc). Could you email me if you've still got my address?

Roisin

Original poster

Easy · 14/08/2005 17:50

have emailed you, Roisin

OP posts:

Original poster

Easy · 16/08/2005 10:28

Well, we dropped the letter thru their door yesterday.

BIL came round at 8:30 last night, and brought back the suitcase and bits of clothing that had been in with dirty washing on Tuesday, and ds's couple of toys that they hadn't sent back with him.

We were just putting dinner on the table, so althogh I asked him in, he didn't stay. I was bright and breezy, asked if everyone was O.K., and what sort of a journey they had back from Cornwall, and thanked him for saving us the trip to collect the stuff. BIL seemed quite unhappy (probably dreaded the meeting just as much as I did), and didn't allude to the happenings, I guess cos of how I'd closed my letter.

Remember I'd commented that they were staying in a 3 bedroomed chalet? according to ds BIL and SIL slept on the sofa and armchair in the living room. He insists not sofabed type either (he does know what I mean, his CM has one), so I reckon they were probably tired and crotchety too by Tuesday.

So it looks like it's all over. I might invite SIL, BIL and their GS over for ds's birthday tea in a couple of weeks, what do you think? (I'm trying to be soooooo reasonable!)

OP posts:

mummyhill · 16/08/2005 10:46

I think you have the patience of a saint. If you think it will help then invite them but if it will make it really uncomfy why not leave it a little longer then invite them over?

Original poster

Easy · 16/08/2005 11:00

Thankyou Mummyhill

I can safely say that I have NEVER before been described as having the patience of a saint !!!

I think I might just print out your posting, and stick it on the wall above my desk.

OP posts:

eefs · 26/08/2005 16:47

if it will make the uncomfy I'd say invite them you can merrily chat to one and all on the moral highground while knowing they are squirming slightly.
It would also be interesting to see your son's reaction to them when they arrive esp while he is safely on familar territory ...

SofiaAmes · 27/08/2005 15:06

sorry, i don't think you should invite them to anything ever again. I don't care what your ds did (and it sounds like not much by all accounts), it doesn't warrant treating a 6 year old the way they did. In fact, I think that throwing a child of any age's stuff in a bin bag and expelling them from a week's holiday is outrageous.
I have fairly awful stepchildren who were 5, 6 and 10 when I first met my husband. I took them all together on holiday abroad every year for 4 years until they became unmanageable. But unmanageable included swearing, fighting, hurting my children and blatant defiance. However, I still wouldn't have dreamed of sending them home early or putting their clothes in a bin bag...that's like throwing out a child. In fact, I blame myself for not figuring out how to deal with them better...by the time I had my own two I was just too exahusted to try harder.
But easy, your ds sounds like a lovely normal not perfectly behaved 6 year old. One has to wonder about a child that does nothing wrong at that age. Sounds to me like bil and sil will be divorced within the year.

Original poster

Easy · 05/01/2006 13:35

Hello,

Reviving this if anyone is interested. We have seen BIL and SIL a few times since this event, they have taken ds out a couple of times for and afternoon in the last few months.

DS didn't mention them for a few weeks after the holiday happened. But then he started saying that he wanted to play with sebastian (their grandson), so I allowed a couple of supervised visits to their house, and thery took him bowling last Monday.

BUT they took my breath away.On returning ds at teatime, SIL said they are taking Sebastian away for the weekend in a couple of weeks, and can ds go too!!!! Apparently they were planning a trip to Beamish, which is a good 3 hours drive from us (and will be bl%%dy cold, and probably wet in January)

I have told her that I don't want them to take him away overnight. She looked stunned. I can't believe they even asked

OP posts:

fullmoonfiend · 05/01/2006 13:45

oh Easy! i read the original thread but didn't post as was so on your behalf and just didn't know what to say. Very glad you've managed to maintain reasonable relations with BIL et co - not sure I'd have been able to. But can totally understand your reluctance to put yourself in any similar situation again. Is there any way you could go too? Is the whole subject still a great unmentionable? Or could you explain your reservations and see what they have to say? Good luck in any case.

Original poster

Easy · 05/01/2006 13:50

Cheers FMF.

No, I wouldn't want to go too (I'd kill one of them I'm sure, and I don't do outdoor museums in January in the UK, too cold and wet for me).

I just can't believe that they would consider asking at all given everything that happened. Bear in mind that I haven't even asked them to babysit since august.

OP posts:

tortoiseshell · 05/01/2006 13:50

I remember this from when you originally posted it - do you mean Beamish museum? If so, it's really not worth going in the winter - most of the museum is shut, and only the town and tramway are open. Go in the summer - it's miserable when cold!

Original poster

Easy · 05/01/2006 13:55

I know tortoiseshell. I have only been to Beamish once, many years ago (pre-marriage) but that was in February, and although it was a sunny day it was cold.

It just so happens that I have a visit there planned for this year for us anyway. DH is working up that end of the country, and I thought we might go up to him one weekend instead of him coming home to us, and Beamish would be a great outing, but when the weather is better.

I also think that their grandson is a bit young for Beamish (he's 3). But then it is a long time since I was there.

OP posts:

edam · 05/01/2006 13:58

Blimey Easy, she's got a cheek!

tortoiseshell · 05/01/2006 13:58

3 is a bit young, especially when it's so limited - the best things for the children are the train, the farm, the pit, the beam engine, the church - the town is more adult based.

I have had one or two miserable wet days there with ds - it isn't worth a 3 hour drive to get cold and wet, honest!

BUT, in the summer it is fab!!!! Hugely developed in the last few years, beautiful surroundings, and lovely area (I'm from near there so am biased ) !

Marina · 05/01/2006 14:04

that they thought you'd let him go after the way they treated him Easy
Thanks for keeping us updated. I was on holiday while you were dealing with the letter etc but I remember this thread now and how shockingly they behaved.

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