Help, son being sent home from holiday by BIL's family

[Easy]

My BIL and his partner have taken ds to Cornwall for the week. They have a grandson 2 years younger (DS is nearly 6, their GS 3) and have taken the boys away before.

Anyway, they went on Saturday, rang on Sunday to say they'd been on the beach. When they rang it was 8:15 p.m. and ds hadn't had tea then!

Yesterday they rang at 6. DS was a bit tearful, said he missed me, but was OK after a chat. SIL said they'd lost him on the beach (had to get the lifeguard to find him [gulp]) and he was tired cos of the late night on Sunday. I said was she sure he was OK, she said everything was fine, don't worry, he's OK.

This afternoon, I was at work (In a meeting actuallY) BIL calls my mobile, says DS's behaviour is awful, "In our opinion he's totally out of control", and they're all coming home, packing NOW.

I asked to speak to SIL, but he just said she's too busy packing.

I got dh to ring. The upshot is they will stay on holiday but dh has to drive to Bristol now to meet BIL, and bring DS home.

I'm so upset. I'm cross with BIL and SIL who were obviously in the middle of a row when he rang, and can't imagine what ds has done that is so awful.

I'm also cross becos we had planned a couple of evenings out this week, which we'll have to cancel now.

But mostly, my son isn't a monster. He may be over-tired, and excited, and a bit strong-willed. But not totally out of control.

And what do we say when we next see SIL?

Easy Poor boy

Can't write much - am at work, but couldn't leave this thread without saying something. Glad DS is with Granny now xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Poor kid. Sounds as if he got caught up in a mess- arguing SIL,and BIl, elderly female friend... and a bin bag??!!! OMG.

If BIL gave him a huge hug, is SIL likely to be the root of this? Am just wondering, as her taking a friend on hols might indicate longer standing marital probs? But taking it out on a six year ols- !!!!!!

Oh, SIL and BIL never go on holiday on their own (which makes me think they don't necessarily get on well together).

As well as SILs friend, it seems SIL's disabled brother has gone too. I'm now a bit concerned about where everyones been sleeping. They told me they had a 3 bedrommed chalet, but that doesn't accommodate a couple, 2 singles and 2 children, does it?

I asked if they had booked enough beds for ds when they invited him. If it turns out they put him in a reaady-bed I'll go ballistic, cos I know he doesn't settle like that.

So sorry about all this Easy - at last he's home!
I agree with others that they do not sound experienced in caring for children of this age. Why stuff all his things in a bin bag too?

Just out of interest, which beach did he get lost on? You say they were near StIves. We have been there a couple of times (last in June). The beach near StIves is gorgeous (called Hale) but absolutely huge. It would be very very easy to get lost quickly there and would be quite scary -it's a huge expanse of about three miles of wide sand. We didn't take our eyes off our three there and even then my head was swivelling 360 deg trying to see them all the time.

Oh Easy, just caught up with this - ds is six too and I can only imagine how you poor ds must be feeling! Hopefully you and he will feel much better after you see him tomorrow and it is reassuring to know that he is with a kind and understanding adult now - granny sounds a gem!

As a mum of another six-year old I am SO sorry to read this thread too Easy. The poor little guy. Ds would have been banished PDQ to Devil's Island by your SIL and BIL by the sound of things and he is a pretty meek and sensible little boy.
What a horrible thing to do to you all. Feeling so sad for you.

Easy, this all sounds like an awful situation for you, but I hope it is nice to know that your DS is getting lots of hugs and love from his lovely granny...
Your BIL and SIl need such a b*llocking!

It sounds like they're taking out their own problems on those around them. I'm really sorry that your ds got caught in the crossfire

oh easy that's awful. My heart went out to your DS at the image of a scared little boy in the back of car, not really understanding what was going on. Sounds like they have no clue how to look after children. I would be fuming.

I am pleased I could rely on Granny for this. She does find ds a handful, but then she is 75, with dodgy knees and hips. But when you remind ds to slow down, he doe (but then he's always had me to put up with.

Have to say, My minds not really on work today.

Oh, easy, I had to get off the comp and do something else just as I finished reading this thread, I have been seething the whole time and I am so angry for DS and you!!!

Presumably they borrowed DS to "play nicely" with their grandson (does DS even know him?) and keep him amused when it suited them? How awful for him to be stuck in a small house with 2 total strangers as well as your ILs (who presumably he doesn't know very well either?) and none of them used to living with children. Didn't they even mention that these other 2 were going to be there when they asked to have DS?

He must have been completely terrified when he turned round on the beach to see no-one he recognised. It makes me want to cry for him too.

Thank god for Granny, I do hope she is telling him regularly that he isn't naughty and that none of you are cross with him.

Oh Jan, he does know the ILS very well, they have had loads of contact with him all his life, and he frequently plays with their GS. On occasions he has stayed overnight at their house, so we can go out (2 or 3 times a year). They had tried to get him to sleep in a ready-bed at their house beforfe, which is why I know he doesn't settle in one (they got no sleep at all that night)

The ILS GS lives with them (and his mum, she's a single parent, but didn't go on holiday with them).

DS knows the other two people too, tho' not very well, I admit. I didn't know the others were going until the day ds set off.

I wouldn't have set ds off for a week with someone he didn't know well, and I thought they knew him.

Oh, OK, easy, I will simmer down a bit then but still think they handled the whole thing really badly and have upset DS and you for no good reason. Hope you are feeling a bit calmer now.

I know the beach incident could happen to anybody any time, when child A doesn't notice you've paused with child B and you don't notice that child A hasn't noticed; it's not child A's fault but I wonder if SIL subconsciously resented him for causing her so much anxiety and everything else grew out of that?

Yes Jan, I wondered if BIL blamed SIL for losing ds, and that started a spiralling row? I doubt I shall ever find out.

I know how easy it is to momentarily lose a child, we lost ds at the zoo last year, and I was qquite pleased that she went out of her way to tell me about it the same day (would have been much easier to keep shtum, and mention it in passing on their return, if at all).

But I am HUGELY disappointed in them for this, and feel that they have let ds down very badly.

Still worrying what I shall say when I see them again.

How soon are you likely to see them again? It's going to be difficult - might it help if you wrote to them first?

Well, I want to get our suitcase back, so need to see them soonish.

I don't even know what to write.

Maybe something along the lines of - you are sorry it ended the way it did. You are not saying your son is an angel, and appreciate that everyone was scared by the getting lost on the beach incident. But you feel as they were the adults in charge they should have handled things better. And that the result was one very scared little boy who really didn't understand the undercurrents going on with the adults who were "looking after" him.

Hope your DS enjoys his time with his gran.

Wonder why they didn't pack DS's things in his suitcase?

I was wondering that too, hunker - sounds like a big dramatic showdown, doesn't it, throwing all his stuff in a bin bag?

I like throckenholt's suggestion, easy. Calm, reasonable and grown-up but ticking them off soundly.

From what I could gather during that first phone call, I reckon SIL was in a foul mood, and just slung everything into the bin bag!

I suspect she may be feeling pretty small today (i hope so)

I hope so too, Easy

Oh I really cross on your behalf, easy. Your poor son, being ejected like that from a holiday. That would be such a blow to the average 6 year old. I only hope he is glad to leave all the stress of it behind him.

I am very sure you do not know the full story. Agree with others that your son getting lost on the beach might have led to your SIl subconsciously blaming him for everything, but I wouldn't be at all surprised if there is more than that.

It is such a huge commitment to take a 6 year old away on holiday for a week, even if he is well known to the hosts. I am gobsmacked your mils were so casual when recounting how he was lost on the beach. I also wonder how the other adults feel about what happened as one of them at least must be very experience with taking children out.

I can't put my finger on it, but I think there is something not quite right about the entire sequence of events and your shoes, I would not let your inlaws look after your ds alone again.

Oh, don't worry tigermoth, NEVER again.

Mind you, I suspect they'll never offer again.

I think you could say you are confused and now they are home, and your inlaws enlighten you more. I cannot imagine how they can justify all their actions, though.

After you have heard them out, I agree that throckenholt's calm ticking off is a good idea - said straight after you have the suitcase back.

good for you, easy. I think the adults have abused your trust in them really badly.