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Original poster

Help, son being sent home from holiday by BIL's family

170 replies

Easy · 09/08/2005 17:00

My BIL and his partner have taken ds to Cornwall for the week. They have a grandson 2 years younger (DS is nearly 6, their GS 3) and have taken the boys away before.

Anyway, they went on Saturday, rang on Sunday to say they'd been on the beach. When they rang it was 8:15 p.m. and ds hadn't had tea then!

Yesterday they rang at 6. DS was a bit tearful, said he missed me, but was OK after a chat. SIL said they'd lost him on the beach (had to get the lifeguard to find him [gulp]) and he was tired cos of the late night on Sunday. I said was she sure he was OK, she said everything was fine, don't worry, he's OK.

This afternoon, I was at work (In a meeting actuallY) BIL calls my mobile, says DS's behaviour is awful, "In our opinion he's totally out of control", and they're all coming home, packing NOW.

I asked to speak to SIL, but he just said she's too busy packing.

I got dh to ring. The upshot is they will stay on holiday but dh has to drive to Bristol now to meet BIL, and bring DS home.

I'm so upset. I'm cross with BIL and SIL who were obviously in the middle of a row when he rang, and can't imagine what ds has done that is so awful.

I'm also cross becos we had planned a couple of evenings out this week, which we'll have to cancel now.

But mostly, my son isn't a monster. He may be over-tired, and excited, and a bit strong-willed. But not totally out of control.

And what do we say when we next see SIL?

OP posts:
Original poster
Easy · 13/08/2005 19:33

Blackduck, I can do all sorts of difficult business letters , but this has taken all day.

I sincerely hope you NEVER get into a similar spot to ours in this instance.
I'm dreading that they might turn up with his suitcase before this gets to them, cos I can't be anything like this resonable face-to-face.

OP posts:
Original poster
Easy · 13/08/2005 19:36

reasonable, even

OP posts:
Janh · 13/08/2005 19:36

God no - I was thinking that when I read your

"I hope this exchange of letters has ?cleared the air?, and we can close the door on this very unfortunate and sad business."

It's not as easy as that, is it? Hope to god they have the sense not to just pop in with it. I think DH should ring them and arrange to pick it up and talk to his DB.

MrsGordonRamsay · 13/08/2005 19:38

I have certainly learnt to trust my instincts as a parent

Oh you go girl.....................

That is brilliant, truly brilliant.

Have followed this, but not posted, because if I had posted it would have required deletion

Original poster
Easy · 13/08/2005 19:40

Jan, I've suggested DH does that tomorrow, but he doesn't seem keen. He's just as angry as I am over this whole bl... business.

Thing is, there is nothing to be gained from keeping the whole thing open, is there?

It's just that next time they ring to ask if C wants to join them on an afternoon trip to chatsworth, I'm simply going to say no, I don't think that is a particularly good idea.

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nooka · 13/08/2005 19:55

I have to say Easy, I'm not too sure of some bits of your letter (masterfully written though it is) because it is so easy to read more into things, and your letter may get read many times and cause more issues. I think I would go way shorter and leave out the perjorative bits, even though they may be richly deserved. It reads to me that you are saying that they didn't/don't care for your ds and that you are saying that you went against your instincts to let him go away with them. That may be exactly how you feel, but are you absolutely sure that's what you want to have on record?

I am very bad at confrontation, and often regret not saying what I feel, so don't take my views too seriously, but do be absolutely sure you are 100% happy with your letter before it gets sent off, because once sent you will never be able to retract it.

nooka · 13/08/2005 19:58

On the other hand their behaviour was pretty unacceptable, so maybe what the hell! (I guess it's just that I know some family fueds that have started for less) Which one is dh related to?

Original poster
Easy · 13/08/2005 20:00

Sorry Nooka, I'm probably being dense here, which 'perjorative bits' do you mean?

OP posts:
Original poster
Easy · 13/08/2005 20:01

BIL, is dh's brother

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Jimjams · 13/08/2005 20:01

Just catching up. Your letter sounds fine. Knowing 6 year old boys I suspect they kept him waiting for meals too long. DS1's behaviour deteriorates when hungry- as does my friend's sons (NT children).

My 3 year old ds2 is very good at pretending things are "fine", I suspect by the time he's 6 he'll be a master at it. Very off of them to tell you he can't dominate adults. Sounds like they just couldn't handle him.

nooka · 13/08/2005 20:36

Sorry Easy, actually looking at dictionary.com I think I used a poor word there - I guess I was just thinking that if I recieved that letter I would find these bits possibly upsetting:

It is up to those of us who care for him to guide him, using kindness, consistency and love to point him in the right direction.

Implies to me either "you don't care for him"; or "you didn't do the right thing". (alternately could be read by SIL as you never tell your ds off)

and it seems to have worked with you.

Just felt a bit catty

I have certainly learnt to trust my instincts as a parent,

Ditto

BUT you are absolutely within your rights to say all of that in whatever tone of voice you like!

I would happily write that sort of letter at work (and have) but in this situation, I wonder if your dh should talk to his brother first? (unless he is too angry?)

Sorry, I am sure I would be spitting fire in your circumstances, and don't wish to judge at all. I guess I just look at dh's family where there were rifts for years after family fights, and fear that could happen.

Original poster
Easy · 13/08/2005 20:40

I see what you mean Nooka, but I don't think they did do the right thing (I see what they did as rejection, which is unkind to say the least).

And the bit about learning to trust my instincts is meant to imply "you'll never take him anywhere without me again", without me saying it in so many words.

Believe me, this is mild compared to the first draft.

OP posts:
sobernow · 13/08/2005 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Easy · 13/08/2005 20:48

I am assuming, sobernow, that they are not proud of what they've done, and won't be showing the letter round.

Mind you, I guess SILs friend might see it.

OP posts:
sobernow · 13/08/2005 20:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nooka · 13/08/2005 20:56

I guess only Easy knows how they will react, but some of the excerps from the SIL letter read to me like she thinks that Easy has brought up her ds to be out of control (all that needs to know he can't dominate adults, and unfortunately he wasn't fazed) so I wonder if she is actually feeling quite righteous? On the other hand she says they shed tears, so maybe I'm reading way too much into that?

I wrote a letter to dh once (a councellors suggestion) and although it was about 8 pages long all dh remembers is one line he felt was critical (and boy was he in the wrong...)

I guess I just think letters are a bit dangerous.

Anyway Easy, do what you think is right. You are the only one who knows all the parties, and what the potential consequences might or might not be.

spidermama · 13/08/2005 20:58

I think the critisism in the letter is minimal. I doubt I'd manage to be so restrained.

Perhaps though, just as a precaution, it might be an idea to delay sending the letter for a week. Re-read it and change it if necessary in seven days when emotions aren't quite so raw as they must now be.

I say this as someone who has, in the past, sent an emotional letter in haste and am still repenting at leisure.

Original poster
Easy · 13/08/2005 20:58

Nooka, from the tone of her letter, I don't think she feels righteous.

OP posts:
Original poster
Easy · 13/08/2005 21:00

Spidermama,

problem is I need the ruddy suitcase. taking ds down to my sisters for a few days, and it is his suitcase

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Janh · 13/08/2005 21:02

easy, is there another suitcase he could use temporarily? Just to avoid the confrontation? Would be worth it I think!

WideWebWitch · 13/08/2005 21:03

I agree with sobernow, it's a masterful letter and way, way, nicer than I would have been!

Original poster
Easy · 13/08/2005 21:04

Jan, we slung out the other (very battered) small suitcase when we bought this one.

I'm noit being difficult (for once) and I guess we could manage with carrier bags, but it was Ds's pride and joy when I bought it just before he went to cornwall.

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 13/08/2005 21:08

Can you buy him a better new one? That one is a bit tainted...and then you can calm down before you see them. What's dh's view?

robinia · 13/08/2005 21:19

I like your letter Easy, the tone sounds conciliatory whilst not letting sil get away with suggesting ds is at fault.

I would do the following though - make sure all the "I"'s are "we"'s (ie the letter is coming from both you and dh). Also not sure about the sentence about guiding him with consistency, love and kindness as it kind of suggests that you deal with his behaviours in a "soft" way and will only give her ammunition to attack your parenting. Perhaps add in a bit about how you actually discipline him or remove that sentence altogether.

Re. their complaint of him running off - there were four adults - surely one of them (bil for example) could have been "assigned" as it were to him to stay with him / engage him so that he didn't want to run off. Sounds like they wanted to lounge around on the beach rather than look after your ds properly.

Very odd that the letter only comes from sil. Suggests that bil doesn't want anything to do with this "argument" and perhaps didn't want to send ds home from holiday in the first place.

Definitely get the suitcase back - but get dh to do it if you think he will be better than you at keeping calm (difficult in the circumstances I know.)

spidermama · 13/08/2005 21:34

Your DS should absolutely have his suitcase. Without question. My 6 year old dd LOVES her suitcase which is her very own. It's a rite of passage. These things are extremely important to children of this age, especially as he'll know why the suitcase isn't around.

I think you ought to send dh down to get it, then go to your sisters, and try to forget about the whole episode for a few days. (Easy to say, I know).

Then come back, having put in some emotional distance, and decide how you want to move on.

I agree with those who say keep quiet and let the ILs do the explaining/apologising though I can understand you must be champing at the bit to have your say. Especially as we're talking about your 'cub.' It couldn't possibly BE any closer to your heart after all.

I hope DH is pulling his weight in all this. It's his family after all.