Help, son being sent home from holiday by BIL's family

[Easy]

My BIL and his partner have taken ds to Cornwall for the week. They have a grandson 2 years younger (DS is nearly 6, their GS 3) and have taken the boys away before.

Anyway, they went on Saturday, rang on Sunday to say they'd been on the beach. When they rang it was 8:15 p.m. and ds hadn't had tea then!

Yesterday they rang at 6. DS was a bit tearful, said he missed me, but was OK after a chat. SIL said they'd lost him on the beach (had to get the lifeguard to find him [gulp]) and he was tired cos of the late night on Sunday. I said was she sure he was OK, she said everything was fine, don't worry, he's OK.

This afternoon, I was at work (In a meeting actuallY) BIL calls my mobile, says DS's behaviour is awful, "In our opinion he's totally out of control", and they're all coming home, packing NOW.

I asked to speak to SIL, but he just said she's too busy packing.

I got dh to ring. The upshot is they will stay on holiday but dh has to drive to Bristol now to meet BIL, and bring DS home.

I'm so upset. I'm cross with BIL and SIL who were obviously in the middle of a row when he rang, and can't imagine what ds has done that is so awful.

I'm also cross becos we had planned a couple of evenings out this week, which we'll have to cancel now.

But mostly, my son isn't a monster. He may be over-tired, and excited, and a bit strong-willed. But not totally out of control.

And what do we say when we next see SIL?

I agree with Blackduck, my ds is perfectly capable of appearing not to care when I know he jolly well does care so I wouldn't set any store by that comment either. Well, they know they were in the wrong to an extent so I suppose that's something and they did say sorry, so that's something too. But I do think you can respond in writing in a calm but honest-ish way. Because the fact remains that:

He is SIX and a child, they are adults
You trusted them with your son and they let you and him down, big time
They threw his stuff into a bin bag rather than the suitcase he was so proud of and made a big drama out of sending him home
They've hurt his feelings and yours

I think also you need to respond to their comment "he can't dominate adults, and that they, not he, are in charge (sic)" You could say something like

"When ds is at home he doesn't 'dominate' adults as you put it - we are in charge. I think if xxx does need to learn this lesson (and I don't necesarily accept that he does) it is up to me and dh to teach it: he didn't need to learn it painfully from you while on holiday. You clearly didn't know how to deal with difficult behaviour and so sent him home. And he was hurt by it, whatever impression he gave you. I do know how hard it can be because we have strategies for managing bad behaviour but our strategies wouldn't have included a humiliating and dramatic return from a holiday. And while he is like most 6 year old boys and is no angel, he is only six, which is still too young to behave badly with any malice. Being underfed does affect him I know but I can see that you don't think this could have been the cause.

In response to SIL's 'Unfortunately he wasn't fazed that we were sending him home, and told Uncle D on the way back that he was glad he was going to Granny's because she's softer with him than we are." I think you can say something like "6 year old boys are big on saving face and trying to hide their feelings. I'm sure he said this and I'm equally sure that it was bravado but his feelings were hurt and the whole episode left him shocked and sad, as it did us. Granny is certainly kind and loving towards him, that's true. (I think this is barbed and suggests that they weren't, which they weren't but I think it's fair enough in the circs)

Gotta go but may come back later, feel free to ignore all of it! Just re-read and maybe my first para is too aggressive but they've pissed me OFF!

good post,www

Thankyou WWW, I think your post is very helpful.

I want to know why they didn't ask me for advice on his behaviour, instead of saying all was OK on Monday teatime, but sending him home by 3:00 p.m. on Tuesday (and phoning me at work to shout at me on Tuesday afternoon, after they had decided it was all over).

Thanks everyone else too.

BTW Blackduck, I think your comment about "this situation was a bit like finding oneself with a sibling.... " is a valid one too.

Oh, and to answer Foxinsox, BIL is 48, SIL a couple of years older (I think). Hardly geriatric.

I'm not sure I'd go as far as www on this one, as you want to preserve the relationship. But you will need/want to respond, I agree. Children can behave very differently with different adults, and a certain amount of testing things out is probably to be expected. My ds (also 6) can be apauling at times (not suggesting your ds was), and this is very food related - we find he needs both elevensies and foursies, especially if he is having a very physical day. Too much sun can cause grief too. The other thing we have noticed is that although my two (we have dd 4 as well) are pretty good together, adding my neice, 5 in to the mix is a disaster - especially as she wakes them up much earlier than they get up at home. We decided this year that they would definitely not go on holiday together.

So you might have a combination of a tired, hungry, insecure (from being lost) boy interacting with a 3 year old that he may get on with fine for a few hours or maybe a day, but finds difficult day after day, and if he's pushing the rules a bit with BIL and SIL (might be especially likely if there is a bit of a rift between them) the result might well not be very good.

I find ds when bad not too much of a problem to handle, after all he is mine to ignore or tell off! But I can imagine that on a big beach if you don't know a child very well, and are perhaps not very confident (and if you've already lost him once then your confidence might well have been knocked), and your charge is angry with you then the potential for bad behaviour, and poor adult responses is high.

If you are going to respond by letter I would go for something quite neutral and short. Definitely ask why they didn't talk to you, and I would say that a joint holiday might be off the cards for a few years yet, but I would avoid steaming in, despite the provocation.

The other thing is to find out what BIL's views are on the episode. Maybe this is more about SIL's opinions? It's possible that you may not find out what was really behind all of this for quite some time.

Anyway good luck, and I hope that your ds's relationship with his godfather isn't damaged.

I bet he didn't say granny was softer, I bet he said nicer. What 6-yr-old talks about adults as soft? That's an adult concept - IMO guilt oozes from SIL's letter.

I agree with nooka that you (or DH) should speak to BIL if poss.

Glad DS has come home pretty happy anyway

Oh god, what a good, good point Janh, of course he'd have said nicer, not softer! Absolutely. Easy I would ignore me if I were you! nooka's right, you have to maintain a relationship with these people, my letter is too aggressive. But hey, I am cross on your boy's behalf! Maybe you can maintain an icy calm and silence for a week while you calm down?

www - not to say that's not what I woudn't be thinking (probably for years afterwards too, I'm a great brooder!) Agree on the softer too - and wonder if your ds said anything like that at all - after all this is a second hand conversation isn't it?

Nooka, you're right though, the view from the moral high ground is always nicer. I am so crap at keeping my opinions to myself, I know I'd end up having a confrontation but wouldn't really recommend it to anyone else!

I'm awfully confrontational too, especially when my cub is threatened !!!

www, what you said was exactly how I feel too but I am a confrontational wimp and usually go monosyllabic in the presence of the problem person but let rip about them in private later. I so admire people who can let rip face to face!

JanH think you are spot on re 'softer' 'nicer' I kept reading that sentence and thinking 'why doesn't this ring true?'.... and if it wasn't 'nicer' it was something like 'kinder'....

Here's my 5th draft of the letter, what do you think?

Dear B,

Thank you for your letter, which arrived this morning.

We are very sad and disappointed about all that has happened this week, and very sorry that you were unable to deal with C.

We have read your letter carefully. I suspect that much of the problem with C?s behaviour may stem from a combination of factors:
The very major change in his routine;
overtiredness (he was late to bed on Sunday);
hunger, as you said, he was constantly hungry. We are aware that he is more difficult when his blood sugar is low. We deal with this at home by ensuring regular mealtimes, and good snacks between on days when he is very active;
having to ?share? adults with Sebastian 24 hours a day, when he is used to his sole child status, amongst other things.

We are particularly disappointed that you didn?t talk to us about his what was happening. On Monday evening, after you had told me about losing C on the beach, you assured me that all was O.K, he was fine.
Yet less than 24 hours later I received David?s (frantic) telephone call, and it was all over. If you had alerted us to the problems we may have been able to offer strategies for dealing with him, and averted the events of Tuesday, which distressed us all so much.

I think you should be aware that C WAS upset at being sent away, as my Mother was aware when she collected him. He is currently learning the art of ?saving face? and it seems to have worked with you.

We agree that C is a very special little boy, who is very bright, and can be very challenging at times. It is up to those of us who care for him to guide him, using kindness, consistency and love to point him in the right direction.

I hope we have all learnt from this experience. I have certainly learnt to trust my instincts as a parent, and I am sorry that I allowed this situation to arise, and spoil your holiday.

I hope this exchange of letters has ?cleared the air?, and we can close the door on this very unfortunate and sad business.

Only just seen this Easy - that sounds a really good reply. Am FLABBERGASTED at the behaviour of your ILs. My Granma took me away for lots of holidays from the age of 3, along with various combinations of cousins, and had varying degrees of challenging behaviour, which she managed to cope with! Of course, never from me . I think that comment about 'We praised him when he was good but his behaviour did not change' is quite revealing - I reckon they've been watching Little Angels on BBC3, and are therefore child care experts - that is one of their tactics. But used over several weeks by the parents, not one day by Aunt and Uncle!

Hope things smooth out, they are definitely definitely in the wrong here! As someone said, your ds is the CHILD, they are the ADULTS!!!!

A dignified and very gracious reply, I think! I have been following this thread with similar horrot to everyone else although had nothing to add before. Think your response is great (and probably better than they deserve, tbh...)

you are so much better than me. Good reply, measured and mature etc etc.

Ooh the thoughts I would be thinking. I'd've had to burn the reply that I would have sent.

Well done you.

I must tell you, the letter doesn't say half the things I want to tell them.

Oh BTW,
do you think it odd that SIL addressed her letter ONLY to me, and not to both ds's parents?

Fab letter Easy. And yes, it is odd that the letter was addressed to you only. Bet tortoiseshell's right, they watched some telly and thought that made them experts.

Message withdrawn

Very good letter. Well done.

good letter.

Easy, can I call on you to draft my letters when I'm in a similar spot! Its great......