Come and be a better parent in the trenches! Thread 2

[BertieBotts]

Terrible title sorry Next time we'll start the discussion at 900 posts, OK?

Originally started by AnotherMonkey, we are trying to improve our parenting which may include less shouting (www.theorangerhino.com) and positive boundary setting (www.ahaparenting.com), or any other goal you want. If you want to be more authoritative that's a great cause too. No judging of parenting styles allowed, honest critique OK. There is occasionally homework (but really, honest, we're nice and don't care if you want to skip past that bit)

Dumping of emotions/ranting after a bad day also acceptable. The saying "in the trenches" refers mainly to having 2+ under 5 but really any stage which is repetitive, challenging, soul destroying about parenting.

Books recommended so far:
How To Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk
When Your Kids Push Your Buttons
The Happiness Project
Calmer Easier Happier Parenting
The Explosive Child
The Highly Sensitive Child

Please post a little intro/reminder just with your DCs ages/stages and any extra challenges - a couple of us have relocated abroad, that kind of thing.

Hi all. May I join you? I used to post regularly on Mumsnet while desperately TTC DD (and still remember the acronyms). DD is now 3.3, and DS is 2 months. I'm very lucky to have them both. But I am also seriously struggling, scared I'll end up with PND, and need tips to cope with DD's horrific behaviour sometimes. Made more unbearable because DS has reflux and cries and cries a lot! I have no support with them until DH gets back from work. The African proverb - 'it takes a village to raise a child' - I guess I'm seeking a village.

Oh yes, you'll definitely find a village here :) What about RL villagers too - do you have any groups etc local to you? Three is a hard age, with a reflux newborn as well that sounds tough. Feel free to rant whenever you want.

Hello choccie welcome. I was going to suggest our next thread title had some reference to village in it.
dreaming has experience of reflux (if I remember right....) and might have advice.

Ooh "Be a better parent in the village" Or just "The lovely village" or "The village where we don't give homework any more" (I suck at this, haha)

"Not the Village People"

No more homework? :(

We spent quite a bit of time with extended family over Christmas and it made such a difference. Everyone lives so far away though. I am missing my village.

bertie I've read a lot about PDA too, it's interesting that it rings a bell for you.

Ha I'm sure there will be more homework.

Its 10 o'clock, I've been up since 5, and I've had enough.

I hate my life.

I'm trying not to catastrophise but I am so fucking sick of the tantrums, of the constant behaviour management, of not being able to get a single thing done without tantrums and drama, of the bickering and niggling resentment it's all causing between me and DH, of having nothing even resembling time for myself, of the constant destruction and mess and noise.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just not cut out for this but there's not a fucking thing I can do about it.

Sorry for the language but it feels slightly better to let it out.

I feel like that at times. A friend confessed to me the other day that she is struggling with depression and has three destructive behaviours which she engages in when she's feeling down. Self harm, sleeping with unavailable men and running away. I felt like telling her, Christ, I've felt like running away lots of times but I can't. People always say that their children save them but it's not as nice and fluffy as it sounds, is it? It's not like they are so wonderful they turn the world nice again. No, it's just as shit but you can't leave them because they are dependent on you. So that's fun.

Obviously I didn't say that to her because I'm not that stupid to go and one up someone's depression when they're feeling low.

I'm having a grump day today too. I think I am also in a bit of a slump post all of the Christmas villaging. It reminded me how superficial my friendships here are, just because of lack of time really.

I have plans for this year, easing into them slowly, and paperwork to do so I'll get on with that and (hopefully) still have time to do a work out today as that helped my mood when I did them regularly before.

First though, coffee time :)

And - you will be cut out for it, and I think everyone worries that they are not.

Is this helpful?

Thanks bertie x

Yes, that blog post struck a chord, thanks for the link. There's a lot of truth in there. Although the idiot part of me is all 'so if I aim for a C-, then I'll get an A+! Got it'.

Your day sounds pretty civilised, hope you managed to get stuff done.

Has the need for sleep lessened?

monkey hope things got a little better. Oh that 5am start makes it a bloody long day though doesn't it?
I liked the link that Bertie posted, and your interpretation of the grading system.
bertie did you get the exercise?

Oh, that's interesting, Bertie. I was going to say I liked it, but I'm not sure if I do, cos I still want that A+...

We had a stupidly niggly morning, and we're having a stupidly niggly evening. I feel drained and tired all over again. I'm currently reading Quiet and have come to the conclusion that I'm far too introverted for this stage of parenthood when they need interaction all the time...

May i join? I am mum to a 2yo D
S & a 12 week old DS2. My 2yo is actually pretty well behaved but just hitting the independently minded stage at the same time as getting a little jealous of DS2.

I seem to spend my days alternating between feeling guilty because i can't give them both attention at the same time or shouting because they are both kicking off at once! Looking forward to becoming a better parent with you all!

I'm seriously extraverted and I really struggle with them needing input all the time. It's very very draining input that they require - at least DS' usually is. Had fun going through the Guinness book of records with him for half an hour tonight. Keeping it short seems to be the key but I do sometimes just say "I can't deal with talking right now so don't talk to me" He literally does not shut his mouth unless it has food in it. A minecraft monologue! And you have to sound interested too

Yay more people!

Yes I did get my workout. I actually FINISHED a full video of 30 day shred! Go meeee! I am so unfit and have only managed 10 minutes before, I think I did 14 minutes once, but today I made it to the end. I'm not going to do it daily but twice a week, just need to build my strength and fitness up rather than "shred" as such.

Hello all,

So..We have all made it through into January. I stayed at my mums for a full week in the end (3 nights without the husband ) and just loved having someone else there all the time able to separate /engage/prep food. My poor mother was exhausted though.

I am still struggling with keeping my patience with the everyday things that just never go 'right' especially leaving the house. We are always, always late. And then, the red mist, and shouty me goes all "just COME and get your shoes ON!!!!! Sigh.

Interested to hear about the PDA bertie I've not heard of it so must go and have a Google. I do find it so hard when partway into something I know is going badly to stop and change how I'm reacting as the 'same old cycle' rings very true for me too.

Though today I managed. One episode. One small triumph. One no nap tired twin and one long nap hyper twin both set on destroying DD's game. I just wanted to shout "STOP DESTROYING THINGS. GO AND PLAY ELSEWHERE. I DON'T LIKE SNATCHING AND THROWING AND KICKING" it was on the tip of my tongue. I've been there before. But, at 4pm, I dug deep and gave up the game with DD as the dts clearly needed to release energy /frustration and got them all involved building an indoor obstacle course instead. Then chased them a lot. Disaster averted. no idea how I'll conjure up that kind of energy daily though. Helped as it was leftovers for tea so no prep needed.

another rubbish- forgotten what I was going to say.

Sorry, will just nip back and re-read...

Can I join too?! Only recently joined mumsnet and becoming addicted! Have a colicky/refluxy 3 month old DD and a super-energetic-tantrumy-and-now-somewhat-violent-now-he-has-a-sister 21 month old DS.

Finding it really rather hard but feel I shouldn't be complaining because I choose to have them and also I know I'm so lucky to have them when so many people don't. Developing a bit of a mantra of "this is Not an emergency!" to try to help me keep my cool...

Chose not choose sorry!

anothermonkey That was another of your posts when I was sat nodding my head and thinking 'yes!' . Mostly I only feel like that for a few days though but it's soul destroying. I hate the constant dread of what will go wrong next? what am I currently cocking up/storing up for later eruption? why is it always like this?! Mine are at home all the time pretty much and fight all day. Rargh! So this week I sent DD to preschool 3 mornings instead of her usual 2 mornings to see if it helped and while just the two year olds is so much easier for those 3 hours she's been knackered and on the edge and very difficult to deal with due to it. All sleeping badly this week.

bertie I love that article. It's funny how many of us its resonating with and how many of us are still secretly striving for the A+ right after reading it.

and hello, was it choccie with the reflux baby?! Reflux is a total bitch. Thank goodness he's diagnosed (mine did get gavison at 15 days old, both dts, but then nothing else and I gave up) . what's he on? I thought for so long not 'medicalising' unnecessarily was good and it wasn't reflux as he was relatively ok in the day... Took to 11 months for me to realise there was an issue. 15 before we saw paeds. 22 months before meds were changed. But since age 2 we are rocking. Right diet, right meds. Vomiting is not a daily occurrence now. I have read a lot and talked to a lot of people and suffered a lot if you'd like a good whinge (and my other reflux twin has been reflux free since 8 months.)

Dreaming, funny you mention the door thing. We have that too, swiftly followed by the won't-get-in-car thing, then the refuse-to-get-in-car-seat thing. I read your post just after I read this: m.huffpost.com/us/entry/6437992?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000037

DS has been given gaviscon but we're now dealing with extreme distress from constipation after just one day of dosing him. The GP said this is harder to control with BF babies. So DH and I have decided to stop the medication and see what happens again, and to give his tummy a chance to go, but try make a concerted effort to keep him upright after every meal and do lots more smaller, slower feeds. It's hard work, but the constipation is bad. So far tonight he has slept on me with not too much screaming.

I have it in my head too that maybe he doesn't have reflux. The diagnosis is based on my observations and I often end up questioning my own memory and thoughts in s GPs room.

It's worrying and tiring. He is such a sweet thing, so hard to watch him miserable.

choccie I also thought I was just grasping at straws and wanting a diagnosis to get some medication room make things easier . I was told by a lactation consultant and 2 health visitors my babies didn't have food intolerances or reflux as they were feeding well and banging on weight. They were ok ish in the day. Unsettled. Cried a lot . We were told it was colic for both and feeling worse as there were 2 like it. So I thought I was going mad. Except I wasn't. If I ever have another baby I'd definitely try them on ranitidine/ domperidone way earlier to see how they respond. Gavison constipated mine too. And actually omeprazole has been our breakthrough with my current (only!) refluxer. He started that at 22 months. Finally mostly stopped vomiting. it was a long hard journey there though. I hope he settles down soon.

Like the huff post article too. Yes. All that!

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