Come and be a better parent in the trenches! Thread 2

[BertieBotts]

Terrible title sorry Next time we'll start the discussion at 900 posts, OK?

Originally started by AnotherMonkey, we are trying to improve our parenting which may include less shouting (www.theorangerhino.com) and positive boundary setting (www.ahaparenting.com), or any other goal you want. If you want to be more authoritative that's a great cause too. No judging of parenting styles allowed, honest critique OK. There is occasionally homework (but really, honest, we're nice and don't care if you want to skip past that bit)

Dumping of emotions/ranting after a bad day also acceptable. The saying "in the trenches" refers mainly to having 2+ under 5 but really any stage which is repetitive, challenging, soul destroying about parenting.

Books recommended so far:
How To Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk
When Your Kids Push Your Buttons
The Happiness Project
Calmer Easier Happier Parenting
The Explosive Child
The Highly Sensitive Child

Please post a little intro/reminder just with your DCs ages/stages and any extra challenges - a couple of us have relocated abroad, that kind of thing.

Ooh, great teen tip I read on here years ago for phones - make a family rule that phones are to be left in the kitchen overnight. Prevents late night texting/internet surfing until god knows when, and also gives them a reason to get out of bed in the morning

Buy them all an alarm clock and set up a charging station (plug with multiple USB adapters, extension lead with several plugs) in the kitchen, so you have an answer to those two complaints. If they "need" to read twitter/fb/etc to wake up (I do ) they can do that at the kitchen table over a cup of tea or breakfast. :)

We have a clear screen curfew time at night. They are not allowed in bedrooms overnight. Alarm clocks in place etc. it is more asking for a job to be done (set the table please etc) and finding they are doing it one handed with only a fifth of their attention -on a good day- because the phone in their hand is the focus.

Grr. Post deleted before it was sent. Basic gist was asking if there was any group wisdom to stop constant low level whining becoming habitual. DS is 18m and just starting to use words. Not sure he understands "no whining, please" or "use your nice voice", but he does understand when we want him to wait until what he's requested can be provided / stay away from the hot stove / not adhere himself to mum's legs when she's doing chores and he responds to all of this as well as any part of the daily routine he doesn't like (nappy changes, getting into bib, getting coat on) with a near constant stream of low level whine. Mainly he wants both of our full attention all the time and to do just what he wants to when he wants to. Fair enough, and he does get that a lot of the time, but we have to hear whining whenever it's not possible. He's pretty good overall and we have strategies which help with transitions and prevent most full scale meltdowns, but the low level whine does a lot to grind us down and wear patience thin so it would be great to be able to tackle it. Thanks in advance!

Ah I see (re phones). For laying table does it matter? Maybe pick battles on that one. Where it's important specify "WithOUT the phone please".

Yes, I'm a great believer in picking battles with some thought about what matters and what doesn't.

Hmm whining

Great success with the towels letsgo . That reads like a story from HTT, all credit to you.

Whinging in an 18 month old... Other than "this too shall pass" and knowing it will get better gradually as they get older...hmm. If one ofin was very whingey I would put them on my back while I cooked and talk to them. When a bit older and slightly more sense to not touch the hob they sat on the work surface (still not safe or a great suggestion I know but saved my sanity) Mine have always loved emptying the pans cupboard and doing and bit of banging too. Sorting out silicone cupcake cases, that sort of thing. Clearly the key thing here is having enough interesting pots/silicon cases/ gadgets they can fiddle with safely. Older ones I guess I just name the emotion "you're bored/frustrated/ cross because my is busy and can't do it now". That's a bit too advanced for 18 months though!! Breadsticks were my answer to many things then

I have now had sinusitis for about 10 days and am losing the plot. I have just steamed my head with menthol crystals which gives very temporary relief. Doesn't help with activity planning for the dc or general good temper on my part

I read your thread bertie but wasn't sure I had much to add. I'll be interested to hear how it works. Totally a lock for the bathroom door needed and I can't believe the counsellor said that to you I am still finding 4 challenging though she is an utter delight compared to the dts who are not so far off 3 now. oh the dreaded 3's.... I'll be right there with you claires except without all the after school stuff your elder girls do.

Forgotten the rest; this app really us unhelpful...

Oops - lots to read and catch up on. Have been somewhat distracted by our house sale / purchase falling through for the fourth time. Hilarious times indeed :/

AnotherMonkey re hungry rhino WHAT am I talking about! Sorry! Re ORANGE rhino I too will win no prizes. So much so that I've currently given up on that.

Whinging - ARGH!!!!! And if perhaps you can combine it with a screaming 4 month old and perhaps something quite pressing that you have to do or get to! ARGH! Seriously the only things that stop whining for me are give DS exactly what he wants, or sometimes to say use your words and start offering him stuff (which is pretty much just giving him what he wants), and sometimes distraction works. But that's a hard one to implement because you're not always in a situation where distraction is possible... Time for ear plugs maybe?

Cookie I hope you're ok? Haven't heard much from you for a while (((HUGS)))

Hope everyone is doing well and surviving!

Right, new thread time, guys. If nobody has started one by tomorrow afternoon, I'll start it :) (I quite like the idea of having it started by a different person each time) if you want to copy and paste OP from this one feel free, or rewrite, add whatever. No rules! Agreed title was "Come and be a better parent in the virtual village".

(I'll do replies on the other thread - I have to go to bed.)

bexster5 your house has fallen through 4 times? That's hideous, you poor thing!

hjbeans Whining. Ugh I hate whining. Once he can communicate better this will probably pass. Maybe try not to react to it too much now? Not let on that it pushes your buttons! Distraction is key at that age. I used to empty cupboards for my ds too, baking trays and wooden spoons all over the floor whilst you cook is not an ideal situation, but it did keep ds from hanging off me.

For situations like putting on a coat, maybe start a singing to him when the whining starts. Something he can interact with ignore the irony 'like if you're happy and you know it'...could change words to fit activity...if you're happy and you know it wear your coat / bib. Or maybe I have spent too long with my kids and am turning into a maniac...

Hi all... Letsgo come on... I think it's your turn this time!!

We need links to the two existing threads too

Sorry not to be helpful, posting quickly x

new thread done (thanks for the push Bertie!)

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/behaviour_development/2307544-Come-and-be-a-Better-Parent-with-us-in-the-Virtual-Village

re whining, be careful about your own tone of voice, keep it deep when speaking to them. this might seem silly but it does make a difference. Model the behaviour you want them to show.

absolutely yes to squiz81 suggestion about singing and distraction.
Singing totally has a place in taking the 'whine' out of a situation. Your three year old does not give a monkeys if you cant hold a note. they will just think it is funny!

never be afraid to be silly

on that note, see you all in the new thread!

Classic x post monkey thanks to you too for the push
I forgot to link to this thread in the third one but will do that at some point