Come and be a better parent in the trenches! Thread 2

[BertieBotts]

Terrible title sorry Next time we'll start the discussion at 900 posts, OK?

Originally started by AnotherMonkey, we are trying to improve our parenting which may include less shouting (www.theorangerhino.com) and positive boundary setting (www.ahaparenting.com), or any other goal you want. If you want to be more authoritative that's a great cause too. No judging of parenting styles allowed, honest critique OK. There is occasionally homework (but really, honest, we're nice and don't care if you want to skip past that bit)

Dumping of emotions/ranting after a bad day also acceptable. The saying "in the trenches" refers mainly to having 2+ under 5 but really any stage which is repetitive, challenging, soul destroying about parenting.

Books recommended so far:
How To Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk
When Your Kids Push Your Buttons
The Happiness Project
Calmer Easier Happier Parenting
The Explosive Child
The Highly Sensitive Child

Please post a little intro/reminder just with your DCs ages/stages and any extra challenges - a couple of us have relocated abroad, that kind of thing.

Just wanted to pop in and say Merry Christmas to everyone. Christmas Eve I think I totally lost the plot when both DC refused to go to sleep until after 10.30. I seem to remember last Christmas Eve being the same... How many more until I can enjoy Christmas again?? Today wasn't so bad but there was still a lot of yelling. Today I am finally downloading the buttons book. Hope the day went well for all of you!

To everyone

Catering challenges completed here. Family mediation role kicking in.

We had a really nice day :) Next year I think perhaps we either won't have as much skyping or we will timetable skyping, because that was a bit of an ordeal, but other than that it went perfectly.

Boxing day I slept until 3.30 but now feel ill, I don't know whether the illness (just a cold but I haven't had one for so long it feels horrible!) caused the sleeping or the sleeping caused me to feel ill.

Glad you had a good day bertie. I suspect a virus on Boxing Day. Unless sleeping for that long is normal for you. there are lots of short nasty 24 hour things around at the mo. take care.

It's over, hurrah! Much challenging of parenting, bad tempered children, still got ill children, poor sleeping. Home tomorrow. Children have loved it though.

I reckon that must have been a virus bertie - I've never managed to sleep that long ever, plus you've got a child so I'm amazed you got to! Hope you're okay now.

letsgo mediating your family or extended family?! Hope all is calm now. Did everything go ok after the hassle preparing for it?

It happens every now and again - if DH leaves me to it and doesn't wake me up at a weekend I will sleep until mid afternoon, I used to do it as a teenager as well. I would have fallen asleep again if I hadn't got up too Sometimes I worry about that - it can't be normal to feel like you could sleep forever? Still I've had a chesty cough all day so sure it's a virus.

Is there a hair-pulling-out emoticon? At MIL's and DS1 has been very grumpy and hard work most of the day. I know it's a difficult time for all the reasons I listed earlier, but it feels so much worse when he's being rude, aggressive and shouting in other people's houses...

I'm tired too, and generally run down - have a cold sore for the first time ever, plus mouth ulcers and a host of other minor niggles.

Hope you're feeling better, Bertie and that mediation was successful, letsgo.

I'm feeling ok today but still slept loads.

Dreaming I've just seen your suggestion about deep pressure, will try that :)

I was just thinking babies grow fastest in the first year which is why clothes size last for 3 months on average and then in 2nd year slow down a bit so clothes sizes last 6 months on average. So if a baby is in 6-9 month clothes after being 1 do you think think they'll still be in those clothes for 3 months or 6 months because the growing slows down in the 2nd year? I was just wondering really

Posted wrong sorry

Place marking

Ha hi purpleme :) I reckon 6 months not that you meant to ask. IME they never stay in the clothes for the age brackets anyway, some DS seemed to keep for months and months longer than he should have.

I find vit B complex really good for mouth ulcers Blue, I take 2 a day when I get them and it helps clear them up much sooner than when I don't. I find DD acting up around other's really stressful too, it just makes you feel really judged.

Oh thanks bertiebotts. I don't know why I posted it here!

purple I suppose it depends, they are all differnet and grow faster in summer apparently. welcome anyway!
Blue yuk I hates cold sores. Hope it's an isolated outbreak. Zovirax cream also good if diligently applied many more times a day than the suggested 5. For five full days (otherwise they lurk around not quite gone and pop back after a few days)
Mediation between DB and DM. Whole other thread........
Should be making tea. (Bad mummy) so going now

Hi everyone, happy new year

Things here have moved on a little. On the one hand, I'm mostly happy with how I'm dealing with things overall at the moment, given our situation. Which is a huge step forwards.

On the other hand, I've made the decision that I need to speak to someone about DS in the New Year. DH and I are getting close to breaking point and I worry about the impact on our relationship. DH is really struggling with DS at the moment and it's not good. We need some help as I am pretty certain now that DS has underlying issues and I'm not sure we can keep doing him justice by trying to handle these alone.

I'm partly feeling positive that I've reached this decision, although crash at times with fear and worry and frustration.

It's a roller coaster, for sure.

DD continues to be a mischievous, stubborn and charming as ever; when the two of them are together it's bloody hard work.

Hi Monkey
Happy Hogmanay everybody !

I'll be seeing it in very quietly with a drop of glenlivet. Mmmmm

Happy new year all!

I am going to have to confess I for the tiredness and frustration after Christmas badly and was awful to the children for a couple of days. Shaming and shouting and awful. We are back on track now I hope.

I don't have high hopes I've magically turned a corner anymore. It's the absolutely constant no let up bickering, pushing, shoving, snatching. I get so ground down with it.

Onwards and upwards hey!?

Happy New Year!

Still pretty fraught, but slightly less run down now and cold sore etc healing. Thanks for the tips. DS1 has been particularly challenging with some spectacular mood swings. That's one of the things i struggle with- never knowing which child to expect, the happy, bouncy one or the angry, fighty one. And his balance seems so precarious that the least setback tips him from one to the other...

Yes, onwards and upwards, Dreaming

Hope you can get some answers, Monkey and the help you need.

Yes. I can imagine that is really hard blue . One of mine does that. Some days he's compliant with certain things and enjoys them. Other days it's the mother of all tantrums to achieve the same thing (and I'm talking a bike ride round the village, something that's meant to be fun- not getting dressed or any such nonsense. heaven forbid!) . I mostly.do my utmost to avoid standoffs now without totally giving in. So if he won't scoot I push him- even though he loves riding his balance bike, loves it. It seems all for power and control half the time so I figure by not getting het up about it and not caring if I push him (even though I do!) he doesn't 'win'?! And I do build as much control in as possible, such as they each choose which way at each turning. But the stubborn one won't go the way anyone else choses...

anothermonkey I think it's probably wise you have someone assess your ds. The worst that can happen is he gets a diagnosis (and that's not actually 'bad' of course ) and at best they say it's all within the limits of normal behaviour and you get some support and tips. I bet loads of them are naughty step/authoritarian style things though (!!)
Good luck with it.

Hello x

So, we made it to the end of the school holidays.

Haven't spoken to anyone yet, keep putting it off as I worry that
a) I can't properly articulate the problem as there are so many things all of which are so inconsistent, and
b) in my attempt to not sound vague and rambly, I'll talk him into a diagnosis which doesn't exist.

Anyway, as this was started as a positive thread, I thought I'd share a couple of things which really have made a difference here! The first is bedtime settling and the thing which has really helped is lying with him until he's dozy but if he kicks up a fuss about me leaving, I tell him I'll pop back up to check in two minutes. Which I do and he's nearly always asleep, but I repeat if necessary. It's got rid of all histrionics.
The other is that if I feel like I'm about to lose it with his behaviour, I get my phone and video the behaviour/conversation. This so far has stopped him in his tracks but may also gather some 'evidence' of the behaviour I'm worried about. It's interesting to reflect on afterwards, too.

How are you all getting on?

Hi Monkey :) Have you tried making a bullet point list or perhaps going through a description of a typical day making points about his behaviour? That might give a good idea, and then say you don't want to make it confusing but you're happy to answer questions. If it's a list as well you can hand it over without saying it in front of him.

Same stuff continuing with DS although I read on a thread the other day about PDA, which is where they go to extraordinary lengths to avoid direct demands. Not refuse but avoid, and they can't help it, it's like a compulsion - it's often in common with autism but it's not necessary to have autism. It's like a switch has been flicked in my brain. And every single meltdown since I read that I've been able to pinpoint down to that point, which is frightening, especially as I'm no better at dealing with it for knowing that! I've looked up some strategies for dealing with it, which is all stuff like don't ask directly, make it sound like their idea, put them in control, etc, which just blows me away as it's all the stuff I/we have done instinctively since forever (I mean, literally, since he could first walk he would never ever hold hands if you said "Hold my hand" but if I said "Can I hold your hand?" he'd happily and sweetly offer his hand up as though honoured beyond belief). But now I struggle because, firstly, if we accidentally say something wrongly then that's it. It will become a gigantic battle which will end in tears and force or totally out of proportion punishments (I took one of his Christmas presents off him for a week on the 29th! We did let him have it back). Secondly I just feel quite irritated with the whole concept, because it sounds so ridiculous. A disorder which means children can't cope with doing as they are told, what? I mean if that's what it is that's what it is but I'm just dreading explaining that to hundreds of people who are going to laugh and say "Don't be ridiculous. No child likes doing what they're told!" but his reaction is so extreme. I've also got myself into a stupid pattern where I notice him going into the avoidance spiral (what I would have called "messing around and being silly") and it immediately pushes my buttons and pushes me right into the red mist section, because I know where it's going, I know what's happening, I know how it's going to end and I just can't bear to go through all of that cycle, so I cut to the chase and become mean mum

Oh and (massively thinking too far ahead) I'm worried about how it works long term. We obviously are in some kind of habit of dealing with it and managing it, but nobody else will be, he hasn't started school yet but it might be an issue there, how is he going to cope in a job, what if he gets arrested one day and doesn't (can't) co-operate??

And all this time I thought his total over-reaction to direct instructions was down to me being soft and not ever expecting him to be ordered around and asking nicely - it wasn't, I just picked up early on that asking nicely works.

bertie good things will happen, maybe he will grow out of it as he matures, emotionally and intellectually. (Like they grow out of childhood eczema that seems so bad when they are little)
It is great that it is being managed by you, despite how you feel about red mist descending or mean mummy ascending, you have such great awareness of his needs and how to meet them. Lots of people would have labelled him "naughty" and gone down an increasingly punitive route. He is so lucky to have you.
monkey good to hear too how you are doing. Bertie has good advice about how to explain the behaviour and ask for help. I must admit I wouldn't know where to start but probably your health visitor ought to be in a good position to advise you?
Things here are fine, we are in "new term good intentions" mode, the after school activities have not started yet (and I've trimmed them down a bit this term..hooray!) so things quite relaxed and time for everything at the mo.
I had both girls 'helping' me with the washing up earlier and one was standing on a chair using pepper mill as microphone singing along to the radio while the other one was using the salt pot. I love it when they do that mad happy stuff. They were bickery and horrible to one another before tea but completely different after it's not just toddlers who melt down when hungry.
dreaming I agree with not battling every point, immediate tactical capitulation with some things but being absolutely immovable on the few occasions when you need to be is my approach. You get less time to think about things with toddlers on bikes though.
blue mood swings, tell me about it, 13 and 14 year old daughters in this house now (hormone heaven here we come....) I'm just swimming through the choppy waters some days, chucking them the odd body board and going with the flow hope you are having some good days

Oh, that does sound tricky, Bertie. I hope you can work things out, and try not to run too far ahead.

I had a good chat with the family support worker at school this morning and felt quite encouraged by it. DS1 has been engaging and charming today. Need to remember these moments when it gets tough too.