I just want to kill him today

[Fifyfomum]

I am so annoyed with my son, he is 3.8 and has shown absolutely no sign of 'wanting to potty train' which EVERYBODY told me would 'happen naturally' when he turned three.

He is now sat on the potty, he has been there for around an hour and it looks like he will be there for an hour more. Every time he stands up he cries because he is busting for the loo and I sit him back down again but he refuses REFUSES to wee on the potty.

I need to potty train him before school it is getting RIDICULOUS and when I talk to him now he is putting on this 'baby' voice and sticking his tongue out around his teeth so he can't talk properly and I am SO ANGRY with him.

Why WHY won't he just use the potty? All his friends at nursery use the potty, he knows what to do because we have been going through this ridiculous process day after day trying to get him to bloody urinate out of a nappy.

ARRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH

Well he has been in pants for about the last half an hour without an accident which is great. The nursery basically said they don't mind changing him a few times a day but they wont deal with kids who are sprinkling all the time because they dont have the muscle control to hold on to it yet.

I think you need to just try your hardest to show no irritation or anger when he pees himself repeatedly, which he will. Just say breezily 'Oh dear. We didn't make it to the loo that time did we? We'll have to run a bit faster next time won't we?' and then plonk him in the bath and shower his legs down with (not stone cold water, than would be cruel) but not lovely, warm soapy water either, and don't be all cuddly and gentle, just give him a very no-nonsense perfunctory hose-down and a brisk rub dry without cuddles or kisses or fuss. Be neither positive or negative, be neither angry and frustrated nor emotional nor overly sympathetic. Just deal with it with the least fuss and attention. No recriminations, no big hoo-ha.

He will eventually get so bored with this tedious routine that takes him away from whatever he was doing, and the endless washing and re-dressing, and the fact that he isn't even getting the perverse benefit of any reaction from you over it, that he will realise it's easier to just use the loo.

use the chocolate buttons, it doesnt matter if the nursery does that or not. Use whatever works.

Eat the chocolate buttons yourself - your need is greater!!

Perhaps it has nothing to do with weeing and pooing. Perhaps he doesn't want to, or is afraid of, going to nursery? Does he know this is why he is supposed to go on the potty?

If I was in your situation, this is what I would do and you can take it or leave it as you like as you are clearly at the end of your tether. I would back off absolutely and completely right now. Three days before starting I would try it again. I would tell him you are going to take his nappies off while you are in the house, that you will be really happy if he does it in the potty. If he wants to wear nappies outside it is up to him. I would clear up any mess without a word. I would then send him to nursery and let the behaviour of his peers do the rest. It's amazing how much they want don't want to be the baby when they are with people their own age.

The muscle control can come incredibly quickly. With my son, the first day he weed 11 times in one morning. The next day he held it for three hours. My jaw hit the floor.

He fucking hates the shower and any sort of bathing, it is akin to waterboarding to this boy

he absolutely LOVES nursery, thinks it is the best place on earth.

Sorry. I wrote that post while you were writing your plan. Sounds good. Well done for calming yourself down.

He has the muscle control, he has been out of nappies most of today and no accidents yet.

This is going to sound weird but do you take him to the toilet with you? I take my ds 21 months with me every time I go for a wee and he seems to find it interesting, makes it all "normal" rather than being anything weird or odd. He seems to want to have go because he sees mummy doing it... so I dangle him over the edge and whether he does anything or not (not expecting anything at this age) we then flush the loo and he says "bye bye wee wee". Makes it all more understandable and not a battle ground etc.

The question has already been asked and answered Fairy.

Okay, my apologies I missed that part.

id also try and take a step back emotionally.

Youre angry with him because you think hes making other people judge your parenting. Its making you emotional as well as frustrated.

ive potty trained 3 times
Two of my boys have ASD. my 2nd was a real pain to toilet train, and it took from the age of 3 when we started, till the age of nearly 6, to be reasonably reliable, and he was seen by the continence nurse.

What is his speech like? Can you reason with him?

It might be worth keeping him at home for a week while you try and crack it.

theres a bear in the big blue house DVD called potty time. We watched this a lot.

Books-
Lulas loo, (girly, but ds loved it),
Liam goes poo in the toilet.
little princess, i want my potty.

Dont force the potty or toilet. Tell him where it is. Take away nappies, and leave him bare bummed in the house.
He will wee on the floor a few times. Please try not to make a fuss. Remind him that the potty is over there. Get him a cloth to help you clear it up.
If its anywhere in the vicinity, you can say NEARLY, so its a positive thing. If you need the toilet, bring him in so he can watch, then let him see that you did a wee, and clap and say well done mummy, etc.

It can be reLly frustrating, but please, grit your teeth, smile, and keep it positive for him, so he WANTS to do it

I've been told to have him in pants so that when he wees it is really uncomfortable for him.

I'd like to tjrow in my support too. But for thosr daying 'this worked with my two year old, two ans a half year old, three year old' or those judging about how long the OP left it.

Walk a mile in our shoes. What applies to an almot four year old is very different to a two year old. Stubbornness for example. Ans yes we do have nice big squishy loo seats and a stable step etc.

I have given up. Totally. We just won't go out. DC manages to wait until DH is home to poo and now the mere mention of using the toilet leads her to withhold for up to five days, during which time her behaviour becomes aggressive, violent and her baby sibling is hit, kicked, pushed etc. Ask her about it and she happily parrots back about using the toilet.

I wash my hands of her. Completely.

Eyelet I have to agree

what is really fucking annoying is those are the same voices telling us to 'wait until they are ready' sometimes they are never fucking ready.

Plus I have a young craw;ing baby, I don't particularly want her crawling through pools of wee, poo and endless washing sofas.

I haven't had a chance to read all the posts so sorry if my advice has already been said. Do you have a dp he can go to the toilet with and watch? My dh was horrified when I told him that the books say he should let ds1 watch him pee - "whaaat??! I can't go if he's standing there staring!" - but he did take ds1 with him and ds1 decided he wanted to "pee like daddy". I bought some 'peepee balls' from Amazon which you chuck down the loo and give little boys something to aim at, and he loved those. Also a couple of books helped - 'Even firefighters use the potty' (Americanised but didn't seem to matter to my ds) and 'Pirate Pete's Potty'. I know the nursery said to use a potty, but my ds1 never took to a potty and only toilet-trained on a seat on the loo. Once he'd mastered that though it was then much easier to get him to go on a potty occasionally, so that might be the way to go. All the best, anyway.

What you are doing, forcing him to sit on his potty for hours is actually abuse, you are just do wound up you can't see it.

Fifty, great plan. I hope you get this cracked as soon as possible. I agree with you to leave him in clothes. With my son, he would just wee on the floor and walk away if he was bare bummed. With clothes on he was uncomfortable.

Re those saying about abuse. My one is almost four, she is in the biggest nappies but they need regularly changing because an ALMOST FOUR YEAR OLD's bladder holds a fair amount. she smells despite regularly being wiped and bathed. Her eczema is red raw and bleeding along her nappy line because of the build up of sweat.

I cannot however get her to see that pants and trousers would be a nicer option.

Good luck, OP! My DS1 was similar and it was pure stubbornness I think. We eventually managed to crack it by having a house fire (not recommended, do not try this at home). We had to stay in a hotel for a couple of months and on that first morning after I had to say, 'No, you can't have a nappy as we don't have any with us. You'll have to use the loo today'. The distraction of everything going on stopped him grumbling, and then we just said, 'No, no nappies in the hotel...' which he just accepted and got on with! He had been dry at night for a while though which annoyed me. He would be dry when I woke him up, then I'd hear him do a gigantic wee into his nappy a few minutes later! Refused to just get up and use the potty/loo though.

I haven"t have a chance to read all the posts but if you do manage to "train" him to wee on a potty you are going to have to untrain him to then go on a toilet cause I promise you they won't have potties at school.

Im shocked that the nursery doesn't have little toilets for them to use...how on earth do they manage all the mess from potties with lots of little ones seeing/pooing everywhere!

Ho op, Just wanted to add a couple of thing (not going to give tips as you have lots and potty training was not my finest hour..not much patience here!). But regarding the baby voice which is irritating you (and would me!) maybe it is his way of expressing he is stressed by this growing up thing and wants to remain the baby? I ask because I am currently training my DS1 and on day three he said he wanted to be a baby and wear nappies again! Also, as I think I read you have another younger child....it might not be the same! I trained my DD1 and it was a nightmare..she had daily accidents (often 3/4) for a good few months and wasn't reliably dry for a yr after starting (and this was at nearly 3, starting so not young!). She would say she didnt need one and then immediately go..awful and I dreaded it with DS, really dreaded it! Anyway started this week (and he is 2.10) and he is doing so well...one accident a day for wees although poos not sorted at all yet. I say this not to crow but to hopefully reassure you that your DS2 might not present such issues. Glad things are improving..well done, it is soo hard!

"what is really fucking annoying is those are the same voices telling us to 'wait until they are ready' sometimes they are never fucking ready."

You know that this isn't true, don't you, Fifyfomum - it just seems like that at the moment. But unless there is some underlying reason (a physical disability, for example), they are all ready at some point - even if it is well after all the other children in their age group. I promise you, when he's 16, he will be dry, weeing and pooing in the toilet, and you will be worrying about other stuff.

I know it is ridiculous to say to a mum 'Don't worry about X, Y or Z - they all do that/they all get there in the end/etc etc' - worrying is what we do. But the less you can worry about this, and the more relaxed you can be, the easier the whole thing is - even if it does take him until september or beyond to really 'get' potty training. If you can let go of the stress, you can deal far more easily with anything that comes up - I know this from my own experience.