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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

I just want to kill him today

784 replies

Fifyfomum · 28/03/2014 07:45

I am so annoyed with my son, he is 3.8 and has shown absolutely no sign of 'wanting to potty train' which EVERYBODY told me would 'happen naturally' when he turned three.

He is now sat on the potty, he has been there for around an hour and it looks like he will be there for an hour more. Every time he stands up he cries because he is busting for the loo and I sit him back down again but he refuses REFUSES to wee on the potty.

I need to potty train him before school it is getting RIDICULOUS and when I talk to him now he is putting on this 'baby' voice and sticking his tongue out around his teeth so he can't talk properly and I am SO ANGRY with him.

Why WHY won't he just use the potty? All his friends at nursery use the potty, he knows what to do because we have been going through this ridiculous process day after day trying to get him to bloody urinate out of a nappy.

ARRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH

OP posts:
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fuzzpig · 28/03/2014 10:15

The only thing that worked with my DD was letting her wet herself. We'd tried everything before, I was begging her to try the potty frequently, making her stay on it, offering rewards etc as I was worried she would wet herself. Eventually I just let her wear the knickers and easy trousers/leggings, told her she needed to sit on the potty/loo if she needed to go. A couple of times she wet herself and then she FINALLY made the connection.

Won't work with all children though, DS isn't in the least bit fussed if he pees himself Hmm

IsSpringSprangedYet · 28/03/2014 10:26

If it makes you feel a bit better, my eldest was trained in the May half term before he started school in September. Two months off of turning four. Straight on the loo and his pre-school didn't seem to mind at all. They let you bring in whatever you use at home.

DS2 was just over three (Christmas that year) and DS3 was two when they trained. He wanted to copy his big brothers.

No advice really, except I wouldn't listen to anyone else. Some crack it early, some later. Hope it goes well.

Fifyfomum · 28/03/2014 10:38

I have an 18 month old.

I have 'waited so long' because every time I have been ready to try I have been told that he is 'just a baby' and 'wont be ready yet' and to 'leave it until after he is three and it will just happen naturally' by literally EVERY source I have spoken to. It is the thing that most 'parenting experts' agree on. So I have waited and I have waited and I have waited and now I have a fucking three and a lot year old who will not fucking piss on the potty.

I have bought a seat for the toilet (just went out to mothercare) and a step. He is now on the loo (because he keeps holding his fucking penis because he needs a piss) so he can stay there until he goes. No more nappies in this house. I will put them on him when we go out and that is it.

OP posts:
StrawberryGashes · 28/03/2014 10:43

eyelet have you been to the gp to see if there are any medical reasons behind the delay in toilet training? My son took quite a while to toilet train and it turned out that it was because he had hypermobility (amongst other things).

Only1scoop · 28/03/2014 10:45

Fifty....glad you got your loo sorted....

Beware of putting him in nappies when you go out though as you may end up back at square one.

If he is now sitting on the toilet....don't go back.

MrRected · 28/03/2014 10:47

You have made it a war OP. Even if you aren't shouting at him - I guarantee he KNOWS exactly how much this is pissing you off.

You know what to do. Now you need to do it dispassionately. He's playing you because he gets a reaction. Take a few thousand deep breaths, give him a huge cuddle and start again.

firstchoice · 28/03/2014 10:50

I wouldn't put nappies on when you go out either.
Go cold turkey and take a LOT of clean clothes.
I know it is hard, esp if you have a younger one too, but he needs to know he is a 'big boy' now, and pants sometimes but not others will confuse him. No more nappies?! Sod other parents, and sod nursery too.
FWIW, neither of mine used a potty but a toilet seat with an integral child seat and a step.

Do remember, the more stressed you are the more stressed he will be and that will lead to more accidents / not being 'able to go'.

My ds took until around 4 to be okay in the day time, and around 6 to be dry at night. I thought I would go doo-lally but we got there. My dd had one accident ever - 1 - and was dry daytimes by age 2 1/2ish I think.

BUT I treated them both the same and didn't get angry with my son. One because I knew it would be counter productive and 2. Because I didn't want him to be afraid of me (other way round, really!).

You sound very angry OP.
Do you have a vent for that in RL, as well as on here?

Frazzledmum12 · 28/03/2014 10:50

I was about to say the same as Only1scoop I wouldn't put nappies on at all in the day time. It's really hard and annoying and embarrassing but necessary.

mrstigs · 28/03/2014 10:56

I. know potty training is horrible OP. I hated doing it with all my three and I can remember my relief when my youngest decided by herself to train at 20 months all by herself and I didn't have to go through all that bloody heartache again. I still remember changing my first kid after wetting himself, mopping the floor, taking the mop back upstairs, and coming down to find he'd done it again and I had to start all over. Times like that can nearly finish you off.
Just to add that despite only being a toddler, my third kid didn't want to use a potty, or a seat on the loo. She went straight onto perching on the normal loo seat (Though for the first few months I held onto her as I was sure she'd fall down it and end up toilet phobic or something), so it's not necessarily vital to have a baby seat on it. Let him try both ways and see which he prefers.
Hope it clicks for him soon

YoDiggity · 28/03/2014 10:56

Yes. If you are waiting for him to tell you to leave the nappies off you could be waiting a very long time indeed. Take charge and just tell him no more daytime nappies from now on. And stay in for a couple of weeks, keep him off nursery and just plug away until you crack it. If he thinks he gets a nappy when you go out he'll just hang on until you go out and then pee in it. You need to be one step ahead of him all the way and anticipate situations where he will try to get one over on you.

MuffTheMagicDragonButter · 28/03/2014 11:00

Good stuff, he's on the toilet, don't look back.

I'd also go for no nappies at all anywhere during daytime. That shows you're presenting it as a fait accompli, it's different now, there are no more nappies, you use the toilet.

You're right, of course he has control of his bladder, he just needs to connect the dots and realise he can go about his day doing whatever, then when he needs the toilet he uses it.

May the force be with you!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 28/03/2014 11:03

Fifyfomum - a couple of thoughts. We used a potty that was more of a chair, with an insert in it, for potty training our three dses - I think it helped because it was a more normal sitting position than a potty - if you look at how they sit on a potty, it's not how you or I sit on a loo - and I don't think it is an easy position to wee/poo in. We changed from an ordinary potty, and the boys found it so much easier.

Another thing - if you can bear to leave it a couple of months, we'll be into the warm summer weather, and you could leave him to run around the garden near naked, and then you wouldn't have the worry of messes inside - that helped us too.

It might be that going to the loo somewhere where he can't sit and watch tv will actually help - because he will want to get the wee/poo over and done with so he can get back to his programme - at the moment he's got no need to do the wee, because he can see the TV where he is.

Children change really fast at that age - to you, September and school seem so, so close, and the potty training issue seems so urgent to you - but just because he isn't 'getting' it now, doesn't mean he won't 'get' it next week or next month, or maybe even in August. And your life will be so much simpler and more stress-free, if you can let go of these worries and concerns about him not keeping up with other children, and HAVING to master potty training RIGHT NOW.

Finally - please stop comparing your son to your friends' children - he is obviously not as ready to potty train as they were - but they all develop at different rates and times - it doesn't mean your friends did potty trainint 'right' and you did it 'wrong' - it means their children were ready to train at that age.

All through your child's childhood, there will be things he picks up at different times to other children, and there will pretty much always be someone who has done X, Y or Z sooner than him - but even if you don't know it, there will be children who haven't picked up X, Y or Z when your son has. Ds1 didn't learn to ride a bike without stabilisers until he was 6 or 7, whereas my friend's little boy learned when he was 5. Two of my dses had no problems with night time potty training, one was still wetting the bed at 12 - and yes, that was horribly stressful, and does help me have some insight into why you are so stressed - we had to give him medication if he went for a sleepover, cub camps and school journey were stressful and worrying for all of us, the washing machine was almost never off - and we knew that all of his friends - and his two younger brothers - were all dry every night, whilst we were still having to 'lift' him at 11pm, knowing if we forgot or did it too late, we'd be changing his bed again - and that we might well get woken in the night anyway, because he'd wet the bed again.

We had to stay calm, and not get cross with him, and eventually we found some ways of helping him (a bed mat wetting alarm 80% cured him, and eventually we just bit the bullet and stopped lifting him), but it was very stressful.

If you had tried potty training when your ds was 2, you might well have found yourself going through exactly what you are going through now - for nearly 2 years - because your son wasn't ready yet.

Nannies used to potty train very tiny babies by holding them on the potty until they 'performed' - and the babies learned to associate the feel of the potty with having to wee or poo - but it was reflex reaction to the stimulus - they hadn't learned to 'know' when they needed a wee or a poo, nor were they in conscious control of what they were doing.

Fifyfomum · 28/03/2014 11:05

I am going to keep him off nursery for the next week I think, I can't after that as I have training to do. He needs to be dry or they will demand he is in pull-ups so I don't really have a choice there. Can he be in a nappy overnight?

OP posts:
OrangeMochaFrappucino · 28/03/2014 11:07

As I said earlier, my son didn't find pull-ups when out/at nursery confusing - we didn't have to go cold turkey on nappies. Just didn't use them at home and then graduated to not using them when out either. Do whatever works for you.

hellymelly · 28/03/2014 11:07

I haven't read the entire thread as I am rushing out, I got to the end of page two, so if I write something stupid bear with me.
I agree with the posters who say try the loo instead, even though you feel that isn't right for you. My dds only did a coupld of weeks with a potty, we have a loo seat that has a smaller seat inside it , you can flip down either size (Amazon) which my skinny six year old still uses as her bottom is a bit tiny for the big seat. That and a step stool are all you need. Your ds is perhaps too big physically and emotionally too be happy using a potty.
My dds both found reading stories helpful, we had "Big girls use the potty" or something like that, and "nappy duck and potty piggy" plus another one about a little girl called Prudence. Anyway, they each loved these books, and although they were much smaller than your ds at 22/24m , I think something like that might help.

Badvoc · 28/03/2014 11:10

Bloody hell.
Your poor son! :(

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 28/03/2014 11:10

And definitely use a nappy at night - get the daytime sorted first and then tackle overnights.

FiscalCliffRocksThisTown · 28/03/2014 11:10

Potties are a waste of time, and pointless IMO.

Good to put him straight on the toilet, and give him a smartie/choc button every time he gets it right.

Just chuck the diapers out (part maybe for night) and let him wet his pants a few times (he has to realise how horrible it feels)

It should be done in no time if you put your mind to it. He will get it wrong a few times, so what, big deal, mop it up and let him change his own pants.

Then, spend the money you would normally have spent on diapers on a treat for yourself!

I bet you 1-2 weeks, a few sodden pants and trousers along the way but so what, and it'll be sorted.

youmultiplememurderer · 28/03/2014 11:11

I have got so much good advice from this thread! Thanks for starting it OP! Thanks

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 28/03/2014 11:18

Definitely yes to nappies overnight.

Fifyfomum · 28/03/2014 11:32

Okay, so advice I have taken from this thread

Drink coffee (the most important I think, I did this straight away)
Regular drinks/food (obviously but good to point out, just about to serve lunch with big glass of water/juice)
Fuck off the potty and get a training seat (done)
Fuck off the nappies in the day and put him in big boy pants (done)

I have training pants for going out and I have spoken to the nursery, they will potty train him with me as of Tuesday so no issue there. They will put him straight on the toilet, toilet him every hour and change him when he is wet.

I am also going to start potty training my youngest at 2 years old. Fuck this 'waiting until they are ready' crap.

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Fifyfomum · 28/03/2014 11:33

Oh I forgot, bag of milk choccy buttons. Will get them this afternoon and use them as a treat, though the nursery wont do this so maybe I shouldn't either?

OP posts:
nicename · 28/03/2014 11:33

Make sure that every single person - your mum, your friend, the man next door, the postman etc sees the loo seat and cries 'what a lovely loo seat!! Who uses that one? Must be a very special big boy! Can I use it too or is my bottom too big? What, it's your seat, littlefify? Great - here's a lollypop for being such a grown up boy!'

Your son will feel proud about the blessed seat!

Good luck. Kids can be so stubborn!

Fifyfomum · 28/03/2014 11:34

Thanks for this thread guys, its been a bloody godsend

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BogeyNights · 28/03/2014 11:39

Well done OP. I have read the whole thread & can see you've gone from Raaaaaaaahhhhh! To a clear mind & plan of action. Really hope it works out. I think you're great for sticking at it & venting on here. That's what it's for isn't it? Good luck!!