I just want to kill him today

[Fifyfomum]

I am so annoyed with my son, he is 3.8 and has shown absolutely no sign of 'wanting to potty train' which EVERYBODY told me would 'happen naturally' when he turned three.

He is now sat on the potty, he has been there for around an hour and it looks like he will be there for an hour more. Every time he stands up he cries because he is busting for the loo and I sit him back down again but he refuses REFUSES to wee on the potty.

I need to potty train him before school it is getting RIDICULOUS and when I talk to him now he is putting on this 'baby' voice and sticking his tongue out around his teeth so he can't talk properly and I am SO ANGRY with him.

Why WHY won't he just use the potty? All his friends at nursery use the potty, he knows what to do because we have been going through this ridiculous process day after day trying to get him to bloody urinate out of a nappy.

ARRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH

Gosh DS1 refused toilet training. I was worried (as you are) about school looming. We managed it OK 3 weeks before his 4th Birthday! He didn't like the potty, so we went straight to the toilet.
Once you've started never put a nappy on unless at night time. Take extra clothes. We had 2 days of poo and wee everywhere, until I lost patience on the wee front and made him wipe up the floor and put his own stuff in washing machine. Wee was then sorted! Poo took a bit longer as I think it felt weird for him doing it on the toilet. Got there properly after 9 days.
IMPORTANT: the later you leave toilet training you have a good chance of getting them dry at night at the same time. DS1 was ready and we were dry at night at the same time. Only a couple of night accidents over the next few months and never looked back - you will still get the odd wee accident (they all have far better things to do than stop to go to the toilet!). He still doesn't like wiping his own bum though - he's 8! But I figure he'll be doing it by 18 completely on his own! They all get there in the end, really they do. (I have read lots of this thread, but not all of it, so apologies if I've repeated others).

One thing I would say is that, particularly when it comes to pooing, posture is important - the child needs to be sitting in a comfortable position, without their knees too bent up, and with their feet on something solid, like a step, until their legs are long enough to reach the floor. Mechanically speaking, trying to poo with your knees scrunched into your chest, or with your feet dangling, is very much harder.

I was talking to a very experienced community paediatric nurse the other day who has literally dealt with thousands of dcs. During the conversation she said young children only have 2 areas of their lives they have total control over: eating and excretion and they will learn they can get attention by not eating or excreting in the way their parents expect.

Once the OP has had a chance to calm down I suggest she leaves it for a couple of days then puts ds back into pants during the day and doesn't give him any attention even negative attention if he has an accident but merely cleans up. Reinforce wees and poos in the toilet with a cuddle and small treat. If after a week of being very calm about the whole thing he still is not excreting in the toilet I would surmise he is not emotionally ready and to try again the following month. At this age development both physically and emotionally can come in leaps and bounds and even a month makes a huge difference.

The worst case scenario I've ever come across was ds1 friend who was still in nappies when he started reception despite his mums best attempts to toilet train him. After a few weeks he stopped wanting to wear nappies as the other children had noticed them when they were getting changed for PE. So a few weeks of embarrassment and now they are both 13, me and his mum laugh how in the big scheme of parenting it was really a small thing.

This thread, and you op are a disgrace to put it mildly.
I think you need to grow up, be the adult, stop swearing and get on with it. Its a drop in the ocean compared to the real problems some people are dealing with right at this moment.
If you think for one minute that your son isnt sensing your anger then your categorically wrong.
You need to either get your self together and be the mother or get some help.
Cant actually believe how disgusting this thread actually is, the amount of venom and anger.

I think it is best, at first, to start with children completely naked below the waist, so they feel a difference to how they normally are (when they are at home, of course). There is no reason why they should realise that pants are not nappies. They feel like nappies and they are used to weeing in nappies, so not surprisingly they have accidents. When they are relatively secure naked, move on to 'big' boy (well, in our case) pants.

And expect there to be a transition period of a couple of weeks with regular accidents. It is yucky, but it just has to be tolerated.

Protego thank you for the reply, it is definitely a power thing and my LG is the very first. His brother is looking more like potty training that he is right now!

We've put a sweetie on the side in the toilet and he has said he wants it and gone and sat on the loo and said 'give me the sweet' but we have refused until he does a wee. His dad is taking him up now to bed so he wont have that sweetie tonight, It will still be here in the morning though.

We aren't going to put him back in nappies in the day now, we did for a few minutes earlier but quickly took them off again because he kept saying he needed a nappy change (he didnt but is obviously getting used to the feeling of not having a nappy on which is good)

STD noted about posture, I don't intend on attempting to poo with my knees up but I can see what you need.

whoeversaidit I think that he is better with a naked bum, he seems to respond better when he is not wearing anything at all, he seems to see anything on his bum as a nappy and pisses in it! So we are having him naked from the waste down for the rest of the weekend.

So tomorrow is a new day, I am now FAIRLY merry on rum and leaving everything to The Husband to deal with. Joyous!

I seriously am feeling much better, tomorrow is a new day and I hope to crack it a little bit more, not all the way (I know that is ridiculous) but some progress would be great.

I think naked is the way to go.

If you can see that he will just see anything as a nappy it might work if there's nothing there IYSWIM.

My motto is try anything and everything because at some point, something has to work

Enjoy your rum. Tomorrow will be a better day.

PS. If you decide to try the pong pong idea, get DH to show him what to do first.

I've been reading this thread all afternoon.

OP, I'm not a parent (it was the title that drew me in via Active Convos) but wanted to wish you all the best. It's clear you are a loving parent who wants the best for their child, hence your anger and palpable frustration. It's also clear that - whilst I won't pretend not to have been shocked by your descriptive language on occasion - you've come here to vent. And you have listened to the advice and tales of those who are going through or have gone through similar trials as you.

Good luck to you and enjoy the rum. As has been said by PP, tomorrow is another day.

My child was potty trained, then reverted. For attention and as a means of control because making mummy mad or upset was a reaction she found she could get by being extremely difficult around toileting.

At the time, I stuck her back into nappies because of the stress and because I didn't HAVE to have her potty trained by that point.

When I tried again, she was so difficult for me, and only me. Anyone else who tried she'd behave perfectly for, but not for me, and especially not when we were out and about. I used to feel really really stressed by it, all of her behaviour was similar, at bedtime she'd do similar for me and only me.

I've worked out now that no matter what, I never pay her the attention for bad behaviour, only for the good. She used star charts for a long few months until finally it clicked and she was more or less perfect straight away.

She'll still wet now at nearly six, but usually it's because her attention is so focused one place, she doesn't realise until she stands up and then it's too late. But still occasionally now she will try to use it in her favour, as a sign of defiance or of not wanting to go somewhere. Sometimes I am biting my tongue so hard to not react I'm surprised it's still attached.

Just wanted to second the poster upthread who mentioned the ERIC website. It's really worth a look.

My DS was like this.. It is truly maddening but did seem to be a control/power kind of thing. He only stopped after an incident at a friends house when I had to collect him as he hadn't gone to the toilet in time. It never happened again after that so he really was choosing to get the reaction from us but that day it had a consequence for HIM (not getting to stay and play with friend).

We used things like star charts and rewards which helped a bit but it was mainly his choice in the end. He also used to do it at school nursery so wasn't just us and that was difficult to deal with.

You have my sympathies as it is very hard to deal with for months on end and reverting to nappies isn't much better when you still have to change them.

It was his personality conflicting with mine I think as DD seemed to get it very quickly and without the drama.

I think all you can do is withdraw attention for the bad behaviour, it is massively difficult to ignore I appreciate that but maybe switch from anger to feeling sorry for him, that I think was the trigger for my DS and actually I really did just feel sorry for him having to be taken home. I think getting the different reaction made a difference too.

I have a 3.7yo who has not got potty training AT ALL. Luckily he is a september birthday so doesn't have to start school this year - this is such a tiny age difference, fifyfomum, but I can see how it's making a massive difference in our stress levels!

He managed a whole morning dry at nursery this week, cue praise and stickers galore; and then he came home and shat his pants twice, wet them four times before bedtime.

Wait, I had something useful to say too... oh yeah.

1. you can buy pads called 'dry like me' I think (I call them 'Tena Toddler') so you can take them to Tesco in pants without puddles on the floor.

2. DS has an interesting collection of weird things going on (speech delay, poor gross motor skills, not great social skills - also hates baths/hair washing), has your DS got anything else unexpected going on?

If it's any consolation, your DS is actually doing better than mine, if he has some concept of holding on to a wee! Mine still looks down at his soggy trousers with an expression of utter surprise and bafflement.

In theory I agree with poo posture.... But... Knowing my dds and other children liked pooing standing sort of duck like (bum a little backwards but not much) I'm unsure how much it works in reality.

I spent 4 mths chasing dd round with a potty to catch poo. It's not a time I remember fondly...

She liked under dining table upright best.

Getting them to blow bubbles whilst they are on the loo. Apparently it does something to their down-belowsies (technical term) and makes them go. No idea if this will be useful. Really hope you crack it soon OP, it's one part of parenthood I'm really not looking forward to.

Liking the blowing bubbles idea

Ds1 has speech delay, now the potty training and issues with bathing/water on his face

hang on - he has speech delay? And some sensory issues? This all it much more likely that he will be delayed potty training as well. I suspect you are over-estimating his wilfulness in all this. He's not even late for a child with speech delay.

Really give yourselves a break & give him another month with no pressure - then expect it tombe a long gradual process. If he has speech delay your best bet is to make it routine after a meal such as dinner. Fill him full of drink, keep him on the toilet, celebrate any success, ignore accidents & he'll get there.

Just remember he is a very small child.
You have complete control over his life.
On this thread you come across as frightening to me and I'm 40. He is a small little child, you and he need help.

Such lovely responses from people on this thread. Really great ideas and support. Especially with such a sweary OP!

Good luck OP I hope tomorrow is a better day.

Is hating water on the head / face and freaking out in the shower considering a sensory issue then? Hmmm, interesting....

OP, mine is 3 and (mostly) trained but does the holding on for hours thing, shuffling and dancing around and swearing blind that he doesn't need to go, and it makes me twitch with rage. I know exactly why he does it, it's just a control thing and me asking him if he needs to go while he's doing it is really not helping, just getting entrenched in a pointless battle of wills. Yet I can't stop myself! I find it so frustrating that he'd rather be so uncomfortable for ages when he could just go and pee which would take about 30 seconds!

He also switches between toilet and potty, depending on his mood and where we are. I'm not sure that rigidly choosing one over the other is as much of a big deal as everyone seems to think. As long as he's not pissing in a nappy, right?

Anyway OP, I don't really have any constructive advice, just wanted to add some support. I don't mind the swearing and I don't believe you're terrorizing the poor little mite, just letting off some steam. Hope the rum doesn't leave you with a sore head....

Is it really so surprising that a Child with a developmental delay will find PT more difficult?
Seriously op, of course he will!!
Please do go to the gp and get him an appt with a developmental paed. Just tell him everything you have told us.
Your poor boy.
He isn't doing this to hurt you. He needs help.

Perhaps you could post on the an board?
Some lovely really knowledgable people over there who have helped me immensely.
X

Sorry, SN board!

Okay so this morning we have had a piss in the toilet (yay) and a shit on the floor (boo) so we praised him for the piss and took the shit to the loo and let him flush it down and explained that is where they go.

Yay! Go MiniFifyfo.

Never have I seen the words piss and shit so many times in 24 hours.