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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Original poster

I just want to kill him today

784 replies

Fifyfomum · 28/03/2014 07:45

I am so annoyed with my son, he is 3.8 and has shown absolutely no sign of 'wanting to potty train' which EVERYBODY told me would 'happen naturally' when he turned three.

He is now sat on the potty, he has been there for around an hour and it looks like he will be there for an hour more. Every time he stands up he cries because he is busting for the loo and I sit him back down again but he refuses REFUSES to wee on the potty.

I need to potty train him before school it is getting RIDICULOUS and when I talk to him now he is putting on this 'baby' voice and sticking his tongue out around his teeth so he can't talk properly and I am SO ANGRY with him.

Why WHY won't he just use the potty? All his friends at nursery use the potty, he knows what to do because we have been going through this ridiculous process day after day trying to get him to bloody urinate out of a nappy.

ARRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH

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ihearttc · 28/03/2014 16:21

Can I ask a question without being screamed at because I am genuinely trying to help?

How long does he go to nursery for...part time or full time? My older son's friend wouldn't use the toilet/potty at all until she put him in nursery for 2 weeks solid (as in full time everyday). He completely cracked it day and night while he was there as he was watching everyone else. His mum was as I am imagine you are at the end of her tether and having the "responsibility" if you like taken away from her doing it made him totally relax and he just did it. If that isn't an option what about asking a friend to help for a few days.

Sometimes us mums are too close if that makes sense and I know with my own boys they are extremely stubborn but will co operate with others.

Original poster
Fifyfomum · 28/03/2014 16:22

He isn't constipated, this is the first day he hasn't gone for a shit at the same time every day because I wont put a bloody nappy on him!

He is sat on the loo right now, because he clearly still needs to wee. He is just going to end up spending most of his life on there. Its awful

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Original poster
Fifyfomum · 28/03/2014 16:25

iheart i am not going to be angry unless you are calling me a terrible person or telling me to 'calm down' when I am clearly not needing that from strangers (when has it ever worked???)

Anyway, at the moment he goes from 9-4 Tue/Wed/Thurs and as of probably next week (not this one coming) he will be there from 8-6 on the same days.

He has just trashed the bathroom, flooded the floor with the sink and got all the toilet rolls and unrolled them.

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Fishandjam · 28/03/2014 16:28

If it's any consolation at all, so many children are not potty trained by the time they get to school that schools have - or should have - special policies to deal with it. The days of children sitting in wet or soiled clothing until hometime, or waiting until a parent can come to sort them out, should be long gone. See here for the NUT guidance, and here and here for two examples of real life policies. I believe that Leicestershire County Council was the pioneer in drawing up such a policy.

I am aware that we may well have to send DS to school in September still not poo trained. Luckily I am a seriously sharp-elbowed mum who has a legal background, so I will not be taking any shit (excuse the pun) from the school on this front. I appreciate that it shouldn't be the teaching staff's job to change my son's crappy keks, but - assuming that I have done everything I can to solve the situation, without success - they'll just have to lump it.

Badvoc · 28/03/2014 16:28

I would suggest that you ask for a referral to a developmental paed - your gp can do this for you.
I would also suggest you seek some counselling. Your language with regard to your son is quite worrying.
My ds1 met none of his developmental milestones, and I know that some of your frustration must be coming from a place of worry and concern but I could never have used the language wrt my son that you have used on this thread :(
Oh...and wrt to what other parents might think. Learn not to give a toss.
Makes life a lot easier. Some people validate their own existence by belittling others. Sad, but there you go.

Original poster
Fifyfomum · 28/03/2014 16:28

Husband is now cleaning the toilet. all that loo roll :( I'd just bought a new packet too.

he just wants to hurt and upset us, he wants to talk like a baby and behave like one too. I am going to have to just put him back in nappies and accept I have failed as a parent. This child wont ever be potty trained.

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saintlyjimjams · 28/03/2014 16:28

I meant back off and come in with a different approach. You're saying that he can hold & wee when he wants to & it's just a battle of wills. If it is then you need to break that battle & start again.

As I said ds1 was 5 when he toilet trained (I was delighted tbh - wasn't sure it was realistic for him). He might trained about 2 days later - then lost the night training a few years later for 18 months. He eventually night trained again when he decided he no longer wanted a waterproof duvet.

PirateJones · 28/03/2014 16:29

so you are not even going to consider my suggestion?

Even though you are getting on fantastically with all things toilet related.

get him peeing in the garden, make it fun, get him to see how much we he can fill a flower pot up with.

potty trainign doesn't NEED to involve a potty.

Fishandjam · 28/03/2014 16:30

ooh chickpeastew, I've just seen your post. Would you mind sharing your experiences with me via PM? (I don't want to clutter up the OP's thread!) My DS started off very constipated, and that's now solved with Movicol but the soiling continues... I'm just desperate for any advice.

Badvoc · 28/03/2014 16:31

Also...for now....just put him in nappies.
You sound utterly at the end of your tether.
Get him assessed by a paed (HV are IMO totally useless for is sort of issue) and move on from there. Make sure nursery/pre school know this is what is happening.

frostyfingers · 28/03/2014 16:32

I haven't waded through all of this, but have you run the tap while he's sitting on the potty? The sound of running water can often stimulate a wee. Whistling also works (for some weird reason!).

Badvoc · 28/03/2014 16:32

Op....you haven't failed.
Please get your son assessed and see if there is a physical or developmental reason for his behaviour.

Fishandjam · 28/03/2014 16:33

Oh fifty, please don't think "he just wants to hurt and upset us". I'll bet he doesn't. That's how adults think; he's too little to have those kind of feelings. I know how hard it can be not to feel like it's a war, him on one side and you on the other, but it genuinely won't be like that, I'm sure of it.

Original poster
Fifyfomum · 28/03/2014 16:34

Have ran the tap. Have a CAF meeting on Tuesday will try and get a referral but tbh they will just say 'oh just wait until he is ready' and I am scared I might just lose my fucking rag.

I am not going to have him pissing and shitting all over the garden. For a start that would make nursery a complete disaster they would probably exclude him

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duchesse · 28/03/2014 16:34

Constipation is and was not the problem with any of my DC. They just had much less idea than than the average child about what their nether regions were up to.

OP, in your shoes I would try to take the pressure off for a week or two- even if he is doing it deliberately, you not getting annoyed with him for a while will change the balance of power. Simply clean up without getting annoyed. Then in a fortnight, try bribery for the behaviour you want. It's got to be better than this.

Badvoc · 28/03/2014 16:34

Btw...ds1 was the same age as your son before he was potty trained. Took a while longer than that for him to be dry at night though.
Ds2 was 3.4 and was dry day and night from day 2 - nothing I did. He was just ready.
I really do wonder at all these tales of dc potty trained at 2.....I have never come across one!

Brucietheshark · 28/03/2014 16:35

Perhaps if you describe exactly what you are doing, people can make more concrete suggestions.

I would start with a schedule, e.g. sit on the toilet for 2 minutes (get egg timer) every 30 minutes.

Then if he has an accident in between sittings (which he will) reduce to every 20 minutes.

I think we worked down to an every 10 minutes schedule at first. That was a ball breaker. Then when we inevitably caught a wee in the toilet, he got the most outrageous treat we could think of (and got it immediately).

But you're probably doing all this and more, so it's hard to make suggestions without knowing. I definitely had to supervise DS on the toilet or he would have been trashing stuff too.

duchesse · 28/03/2014 16:36

badvoc- these "dry day and night from day 2" stories are just not helpful, I can tell you from experience.

PirateJones · 28/03/2014 16:36

^I am not going to have him pissing and shitting all over the garden. For a start that would make nursery a complete disaster they would probably exclude him^
Yes because having him pee in a flower pot as a game is going to affect nursery. he won't have anything to do with the potty, he won't have anything to do with they toilet.
You need to hide the fact you are toilet training and make it a novelty game.

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 28/03/2014 16:36

He doesn't want to hurt and upset you. He wants to exert some control on his world and unfortunately this is how he is doing it. I think it's similar to fussy eating in terms of being heartbreakingly frustrating and maddening but something that will get so, so much worse when entrenched as a battle of wills.

He will be toilet trained. He really will. But maybe you do need to leave it again and come back to it again soon, as infuriating as that will be.

Badvoc · 28/03/2014 16:36

Say no.
You won't wait anymore.
Then go to the gp and ask for a referral.
You dont need their permission to get help for your son.
You are projecting adult feelings and actions onto a child...he isn't doing it to hurt you.

MissUumellmahaye · 28/03/2014 16:37

If the toilet rolls aren't wet roll them back up and use them!

I think leaving him sitting in the bathroom for prolonged periods of time isn't the way to go. Take him every 15 minutes, while he's sat there chat to him or sing stupid songs. Give him a couple of minutes, if nothing comes leave the room together. Repeat ad nauseum. Keep it light. Don't let him see that he's getting to you.

[vat of gin emoticon]

ihearttc · 28/03/2014 16:38

I honestly don't think there is anything wrong with him at all apart from a very stressed mum who is at the end of her tether and a 3 year old who sounds about as stubborn as mine is (but in a different way!) and thats not a good combination!

Has anyone else tried getting him to go on the toilet for them? As I said I wonder if being at nursery more and leaving it up to them to do...I know its not exactly ideal but maybe once he over that initial bit it will all come together.

And if it doesn't then you will know its not you...and I mean that very kindly. I think you are blaming yourself for this and is honestly isn't your fault. If he goes to school wearing nappies then so be it. Children in other countries don't start school until they are 6/7 so they don't have the huge pressure we do in the UK.

Badvoc · 28/03/2014 16:39

Duchesse...I was trying to demonstrate how 2 dc brought up the same way can differ!
As my post points out, ds1 didn't meet any of his milestones and was the seam age a the ops child before he was dry in the day.
It was nothing I did or didn't do. It's not the ops fault either.
Please read the post next time.

Original poster
Fifyfomum · 28/03/2014 16:40

I WILL NOT HAVE HIM PISSING AND SHITTING ALL OVER THE FUCKING GARDEN JUST LEAVE IT PIRATE

The toilet rolls were destroyed, wet and unrolled into the floor. Child is now sat on the couch naked because in between his shower and us offering him the loo, he pissed himself again. Didn't even notice, couldn't have cared less.. I'll just put him back in nappies indefinitely. I am not dealing with this anymore

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