Unjust custody situation

[Helloworldz87]

What would you do? Long story short. Move in with husband and his family. Naive. Didn't know how controlling they were going to get. Get pregnant early on in the relationship. My father promises to sell his vintage car if we ever need it. Later renegs it. Won't explain why. Gaslights me. After the baby is born. Get Post natal depression. Husband's parents kick us out. Husband loses his job xand I couldn't get work. My parents go overseas for months. My parents eventually get back. My in laws use the legal system against me and file for custody of my daughter. Husband begs me back. Many empty promises of getting custody of my daughter back. Move in with him (without in laws) Many empty promises of getting our daughter back. Marriage becomes financially, emotionally and physically abusive. Move back in with my parents and baby. I feel like such a fool. But don't get any answers as to why my father screwed us over? Apparently if CPS was involved in my daughter case, this would've never happened.

Op isn’t obsessed with fairness. She is obsessed with being the victim and taking no responsibility. She is obsessed with making everyone else responsible for her. Even to the point of making things up to prove how badly done to they are, but tripping themselves up because they have said the exact opposite.

It’s an entirely self centring view. Not about fairness at all.

It did happen. I've got all the paperwork

Did you go to the court hearing? Did you attend everything required? Did you go to mediation, sessions with the psychologist (who would have had to do a report after talking to all involved parties and the child before making a recommendation if there was a dispute about where the child should live)? Did you contest the custody application?

If you didn't do those things, I can see the court might have gone ahead without you if you didn't engage in the process or contest it. I'm not a lawyer, so can't comment precisely on this sort of thing though. Just the thoughts I have. I have seen someone else go through the whole working out custody process though, so know a bit of what it involves.

Yes I went to the court hearing and the court appointed psychologist. There was no mediation

And what was the recommendation of the court psychologist? That your child go to your inlaws?

Did you oppose their application and ask for your child to remain in your care?

The judge must have given a reason for the decision they made.

The child was already with the in laws. Op had left the child in their care for a (what appears) to have been quite a considerable amount of time before this

Which then makes it understandable that the judge decided not to disrupt the stability of the child by making them change homes when they were well settled.

The judge would have given a reason for the decision and this is likely part of it, I'd think.

I have never known of a court ( in NSW anyway) not to get 3 different psych reports. One from the court appointed psych , and one each from both parties psych of choice.

Somebody has to care about fairness. No one else did

You think I have disordered thinking? That's nothing compared to my MIL verbally abusing me at the time, for "trying to destroy her family". Itsy family and marriage destroyed

You don’t care about fairness. You don’t even read the posts you are replying to.

It’s pretty clear the OP has highly fixated and rigid thought processes, which keep getting airtime through the thread when people repetitively ask questions or comment about court, her parents, her in-laws, or her beliefs around those things. Trying to challenge her perspective will not be successful, it’s just encouraging greater fixation around past issues.
If posters can shift to being future focused and/or centering the daughter, it will either be helpful or the OP will stop posting. Probably the latter.

OP, it might be easiest if we all agree that your perspective is correct. You have been treated poorly and unfairly, and the outcome has been terribly unjust. We can all agree that life can be dreadfully unfair. We can also agree that no one has a Time Machine to go back and change the past. So, what is one step you can take in the next 12-months either toward more independence for yourself or to building a stronger relationship with your daughter?

I see the logic. But I disagree.

People have tried to centre the daughter, how to move forward, given advice on steps to take and the Op brings it back to unfairness.

Accepting the situation is as op says it is, doesn’t help at all. Because Op still won’t focus on what needs to be done. And people agreeing is likely to further the Ops disordered thinking. Which isn’t helpful for any of the people involved.

Ops own version of the story is a full or half truths and contradictions. Playing along that it might be correct is, in my opinion, the worst thing people can do.

We may as well agree to disagree with her though. Realistically, the situation could be unfair. If this situation is real (and I have my doubts), the court system often doesn’t cater well to people with disabilities and low capacity who don’t understand the system. I’m assuming from her posting that her capacity to advocate for herself within a legal setting has been problematic. But life is unfair a lot of the time and there is literally 0 point in posters trying to get the OP to change her view on her family and in-laws. It will not happen! I’ve worked in this space and it would be like banging your head against a brick wall hoping it will cave in.

The OP is allowed to feel things are unjust and her family in-laws are awful. Unfortunately I don’t think she has any interest in discussing future focused things or talking about building a relationship with her daughter either, but at least posters won’t be completely feeding the fixation.

As I’m in Australia - OP are you linked in with NDIS supports now?

I have worked in this space and there are some gaps that I'm not raising, but I do think that posters have encouraged the OP to be future thinking. I'm not sure she is ready to do that and needs more help to get unstuck from the past to be able to move forward. What current supports do you have, OP? Outside family.

Okay, but even if she does have disordered thinking, you can’t change that.

You can change yourself.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can,and the wisdom to know the difference.

OP - it sounds like everyone involved WAS thinking about fairness- what was fair to your daughter. It sounds like they decide it wouldn’t be fair on her to move her from a settled home with your in-laws to an unsettled home with the mother who had abandoned her and an unpleasant grandfather. Unfortunately from your point of view that feels unfair to you, and clearly you have had a difficult time, but your daughter is the priority and being fair to her is more important than being fair to her.
You have barely mentioned your daughter or what she wants, until you see her needs as the priority I’m afraid there is nothing anyone can do to help you.

Jeezy peeps.

It was hardly fair to undermine me from day 1, alienated me and lie and file for custody, bypassing CPS who would've prevented this whole mess

Yeah because I have PTSD and this is painful to talk about

Still get no answers as to why my parents screwed us over and expect my help. And why they play favourites with my sister

Destroying my family was pretty unnecessary thanks. The authorities don't even do that to drug addicts

They expect your help because you live with them. They are putting a roof over yours and your child’s head.

how on earth would anyone else know why they favour your sister?

Does your sister live with them?
Continue to cause drama and drain them emotionally and financially?

If they did what they promised to and got involved, I wouldn't be here at all