Antenatal support thread for women who have chosen to terminate VI

[Coffeeandchocolate]

Time for a new thread, ladies. May it continue to give us comfort, and help us find a special, sunny place in our hearts, where our babies are safely tucked in. May it bring good luck to everyone who posts or justs reads.

And to the old-timers, it?s so lovely to still have you here with us, reaching out.

Hi everybody. I hope you're enjoying your holiday Eulalia... I'm saying it although you won't read this for a while. I am glad you sound a bit more peaceful.

How is everyone, this thread has been very quiet recently. I wanted to post yesterday, as I had an emotional day, but I came back home late and was very tired, so I wouldn't have been able to write anything coherent. Anyway, it's not as bad today, and I described it here many times before. We went to Silvia's grave and although the rawness is gone and we go to the cemetery almost every day, as it's no too far from where we live, I just found it harder than usually. It just hit me again, that she should have been here with us, a one or two week old baby. I remembered how tiny and fragile she was, and again, out of nowhere, I started to question our decision. It wasn't a massive what if, like Eulalia described, just some annoying doubt. I started to wonder what was the moment when her little heart stopped.

I just miss her and some days the longing for her becomes too much. The difference with the early days when we lost her though is that now I try to imagine the other life as it would have been, not like I desperately wanted it to be, and I know (most days I know, anyway) that she would have been a very sick baby.

And then I think about this other baby, the one I hope will make it, although I don't dare think that far. And all my fears about replacing Silvia are gone, it just doesn't work like that.

Ramble, ramble. I really hope all of you ladies are in a gentle place. I think that now, with the summer holidays coming up, this thread will be even quieter. May it still continue to offer comfort to those who need it though!

Hello Everyone

It has been a bit quiet hasn't it so hello to everyone. For me, I have been a bit quiet as seem to be in a bit of a bad repetitive pattern with DH of desperately trying to move on a little and be happier but then ending up sucked back down, then more arguments as to how we need to try and get us back a bit after a rough year etc etc...I think we are fundamentally OK but I am angry at him for some things and he is angry at me (although this has only just come out) and we can't seem to properly get over these things....am hoping to and just dream of a day when we wake up and all is happy and light again. Sigh. Always, sympathies re waiting. I still haven't got my period although def not pregnant so am worried what is going on in my tired old body and almost too scared to go and see as I am anxious that I still have some residue from the pregnancy and will have to have another op and that thought seems too much to deal with. Fingers crossed it arrives soon so we can get on with things. Coffee, sorry that you had a rough day yesterday. So bittersweet and exciting yet terrifying for you at the moment and Eulalia, lots of love from down here in Sydney. Anyway, love to everyone else and look forward to coming back in a few days with more of a sparkle x

Ooh post script to last post....AF arrived today, had blood tests at IVF clinic and started injections today...so our journey continues...will keep you posted as to how it goes (hopefully we won't get divorced in the meantime ; ) xx

Scrum, I am happy to hear that. It must be so, so hard going through this hard patch with your dh, but it looks to me like you are really talking about it all and not bottling it up, it's so important. You have both been through hell and in very different ways, but I hope that somehow finding yourselves at the beginning of a new journey will bring you together again. Yes, definitely let us know how it goes. Much love xxx

Gosh, so quiet on here, that can only be a very good thing but I was expecting to get back from our holidays and as usual find it hard to keep up with everything.

Scrum - hooray for lost AFs - mine finally arrived after 7 weeks and I was starting to think I might be menopausal... it's worse when you're having tx - hope you're ok with downregulating. if indeed you are downregulating, sound like maybe you're on short protocol and just stimming.

Lisbeth - hope you're ok and lurking.....

Now going to have to do a huge me post.. turns out I did indeed terminate for abnormalities after all, as clearly stated in our letter from the consultant. We got the letter and it basically was a referral for genetic counselling as the baby had abnormalities. After a lot of frustrating phone calls I finally got to speak to a lady geneticist who explained it all very clearly. Our baby had a condition called Beckwith Weidemann Syndrome.

It occurs in only 1 in 13 000 pregnancies and is either hereditary or caused by IVF. It's so bloody rare there's hardly anything on it if I google it. The baby had his chromosomes tested for it and it came back negative so is down to the treatment. It's not linked to the previous heart defect either. I was speechless on the phone and said to the dr that basically we'd suffered incredible bad luck and she agreed that that is basically it. We've still got to have the proper consultation etc and will g et alot more answers then but christ, i feel blighted. How do you change your luck - I would almost prefer DH to be a carrier then we could have PGD with donor eggs and at least try to stop it - this way it's in the hands of the Big Man. ANd again what am I supposed to learn from this? What's the reason?

So a cry out to Lins and Cant as I know you both had two totally unrelated conditions and have gone on to have healthy babies - what the hell did you do to change your luck? Or at least how did you ever believe your luck could change?

I feel cursed. It would be easier if it were an age related condition I think - because then I would have a reason for at least one of them but for them both to be spontaneous non hereditary non age related conditions is just beyond me. My head keeps repeating 1 in 13 000.

The other thing is that most babies can happily live with the condition, they need to have a few ops but it's not usually life threatening and they can't really screen for it yet. So I don't understand why my baby had such extreme disabilities that I miscarried him, why he couldn't have had the condition and survived and been a slightly worrying child (well, that's an understatement really as they have a 10% chance of getting cancer in the first 4 years of life) I can't find a single reference anywhere to miscarrying because of it. So I'm also terrified that maybe not only did the baby have the syndrome but I also had a weak cervix or infection and that if I ever get pg again we'll all assume it was the syndrome and then I'll miscarry again due to a weak cervix that was the real cause. And then I think maybe I just can't carry boys.

At least we now have something to go on and some answers and my head has gone into research mode.

Oh and the funeral is next week but really it's like an afterthought. I don't really care about it, just going through the motions. Which is worrying as either I've become a very hard person or I'm heading for a major breakdown when I do finally let go.

Anyway I'd say love to all but nobody really here!

Welcome home Peanut. Golly you have had such a lot to compute haven't you I am not surprised that you are feeling like you are going through the motions at the moment. The results I imagine are difficult to comprehend. SUCH odds, SUCH bad luck, SUCH unfairness on the back of what has happened but perhaps some future (obviously not current) comfort in that it ISNT age related, it ISNT genetic, but such a mind fuck for right now in that it is just the crappiest, rarest, not fucking fair at the top of your luck, unlikely odds things to have happened. You have got this far though Peanut and you will get through this and you will get through the funeral and your luck will change. You write that you can't find a single reference to miscarriage but I'm sure this is because it is so rare that it isn't tested for with miscarriages??

I don't think I am downregulating...but not really up with all the lingo yet. Essentially had bloods done yesterday on first day of period and started FSH, then starting cetrocide on Saturday and then bloods and scans on Monday...not sure if they do it different over here?? anyway, so far so good and I supposed one positive after such awful experiences is that the process of injecting seems 'easy' given all of our medical visits/procedures etc etc...of course I say that now.....I'm on a really high dose of FSH though as my anti-mullerian levels are low (nothing like that to make me feel ancient)so hoping it doesn't send me too loopy.

Finally on an inspirational note, my lovely real life friend who had a termination for t21 a few years ago at 40 after a brief relationship but she was planning on being a single parent as she has always wanted a child, then met lovely man a few years ago and she is pregnant now at 43 with all tests looking good....it can be done! Am so incredibly pleased for her as she has had a long road to get here and am also pleased that I feel 100% properly properly happy for her without any tinge of "not an feckin nother person pregnant why not me" to it....so there is hope for the nice person I once was......

hello and love to everyone else xx

Peanut - I do not post much anymore here for reasons I shall not go into now- but wanted to reach out and send my astonishment that this could happen to you my dear.
As you know I have had two DS pregnancies, so not the same as you at all, but the shock that it could happen twice to anyone was so intense.
It does not make sense.
I will reread your post as am unable to comprehend how this can happen when little babe was from an egg donor for goodness sake.
It sounds rare, rare, rare and that you have fallen into the black hole of statistics and nobody can explain what/who/why it is you.
I know what you mean about the hard shell. I seem to have created one too; impenetrable sometimes, scratchy, unfamiliar. It must be part of the process of recovery from trauma; since I am an oversensitive neurotic and spent most of last year in tears.
Thinking of you and hoping that the path forward does not look too murky.
with love
Bee xxx

Scrumdiddly - thank you for sharing that fabulous news about your friend; I know what you mean about being relieved that you can still be generous. I never feel bitterness when the women here get pregnant either. They deserve it.
Wishing you patience and health over the next week of injections, bloods, scans.
Bloody hell what a fiasco it is trying to make a family.
I too have been fantasising about egg donation Peanut; am 43 in September. Think you will get there my love. Just feel it.
B x

Hi everyone, yes it has been rather quiet. Peanut, I can't even try to imagine how you must feel receiving that news. All I can say is that you are in my thoughts xx

Scrum, wanted to say what you've been through is enough to put the stress on any relationship. In the past, I've liked to remind myself of something I once read; that the test of true love is not how well you get on in the good times, rather it's how you work your way through the hard times. There's bound to be some rocky times - DH and I have had our fair share - but I think as long as you keep communicating (like it sounds like you are), you'll not only get through this time together, your relationship will be all the stronger for it. Glad AF has arrived; one less thing to worry about. What lovely news for your friend. Good luck to you for this month xx

Viv, if you're still around, lovely to hear from you. Whenever I see your name, I remember that lovely vision in white you posted momentarily of yourself from your wedding day. You and your DH seem to be enjoying married life Lovely that Grace now has a name stone. It looks as though you all are well supported over there, with things such as funerals arranged for you, burial plots etc. Over here funerals aren't offered unless you are over 20 weeks, and then it is totally up to the parents to arrange it . As I was just shy of 18 weeks, I wasn't offered a funeral. My baby did have a half-ar$ed post mortem by my request (not the half-ar$ed part), but I'm not sure what happened to him after that, and I was too scared to ask. Anyway, good luck with the TTC. Be sure to keep us posted xx

Allways, I'm sorry this cycle was so dissapointing. Sincerely wish you all the best for the coming one. Ditto was I was saying to Scrum re: relationships. While your daughters will forever bond you and your DH, the very fact that everyone grieves differently, experiencing different stages at different times, well its no wonder the going can get hard at times. Thinking of you xx

Bee good to see you. I must try to resend that video I tried to send you ages ago. Dreamt of you the other night. I hope this doesn't seem insensitive, but in my dream you were pregnant. I woke up and checked MN in case it was a premonition. Will try to email that video tonight xx

Hello and love to everyone else xxx

Hi everyone, I'm here, but struggling to find time to post (am lurking though).

Had to write when I read Peanut's post. PH, I am so sorry to read your latest twist. You ask how Lins and I faced a third pregnancy after two had gone wrong with unrelated causes. Well - part of how I reacted can be seen in the fact that I am unsurprised by your post. You see - I no longer believe in one-off, random bad luck. I have observed that after one horror, another seems to follow, even if the medical experts insist there is no link. So we have:

• me, with 1 chromosomal abnormality and one developmental one, unrelated apparently
• Lins, 2 unrelated chromosomal abnormalities
• Bee, 2 T21 babies, nongenetic cause
• Bezzy, 1 T21, 1 T13 (mmc)
• Popsy? was it? anyway T21 and T18
• Pelvicflawed, 2 T21
• Kittens, 2 times T21
• Shangrila, countless

plus you There may be more I've forgotten but anyway you get the picture... is it really all random bad luck? or are there causes the experts just dont know? I wonder.

However amidst all that wondering, and terror, literal terror, that some new fatal problem would present itself this time around, I clung to the fact that I also had a healthy DD. In other words - maybe I am v v high risk of abnormalities but it can also go okay. And I wanted another baby more than anything, so I just had to live with the terror. It was easier, for me, to live in terror than to live with the prospect of not having another child.

But I found every scan a nightmare. Even now, with another healthy DD, if I read/see a scene with a scan, I am almost physically sick. I have horrible scan associations.

And yet I welcomed being treated as high risk and having lots of scans because I needed them to stay sane.

You will try again PH and you'll get through it. Even if it is very very hard, I have to say I didnt find being pregnant any harder than the time before pregnancy worrying about what the pregnancy would be like.

Scrum, you sound like such a positive, strong person. Hurrah for AF (sounds weird; YKWIM) and communication, and here's to some ggood IVF news soon from you, and from Allways if you are around.

Lisbeth, are you doing okay?

And Bee, lovely Bee, hope you are staying away for good reasons, not sad ones.

Much love to you all from here, even though I am quiet atm.

Oh Can'tdo, what an awful thought. ANd it's got me thinking that maybe the badluck/whatever has carried on down the generations. I seem to have inherited my mother's bad luck. I just spoke to her and she said that actually the hospital initially said her 4 boys all had trisomy problems but then retracted it and said they didn;t know whether they were linked. It was 40 years ago and so she can't remember the details and testing was basic then. I can't give up yet though.

If I can't prevent it by by using a donor egg feel like nothing can prevent it.

Bee, just realised how insensitive I was to say I'd prefer it to be an age related problem - what I meant was really that it would make sense, there's be a reason and also that that's what I w as expecting. 42 in august myself...

xxx

Hello Peanut. Like Bee and Cant, I am more of a lurker here now but I was struck by your post and Cant's thought provoking response.

Seeing abnormality on paper, in black and white is always such a shock, and that shock is magnified when it is unexpected. It is yet another issue to deal with and is hard. But here you are, knowing that you must go on. You are strong, Peanut. If there is any justice at all, any sense in all our communal upset, you will get there. I really hope so.

And I'm with Cant on the subject of 'random'. For me, it is just the medical profession's way of saying they haven't a clue 'why'. Take care.

I think I wrote Popsy on the list when I meant Babylily.

Anyway I want to apologize for my post which in retrospect sounds so negative. Didn't mean it to. Although actually I didn't find 'random bad luck' any more reassuring than 'might be a reason but we don't know what it is'. Either explanation is terrifying. As is the inheritance theory.

But the thing is, PH, you know it's terrifying already. And you are ready to try again. As was I. It can work, it will work, you can do it.

Shangrila and her little man (little? not so little!) are wonderful proof that after wrongs can come a beautiful, perfect right.

Just a brief one from me as I've been lurking and read your post Can't. Hit a note with me too, as I believe all our bad luck has to be linked somehow.

Me - 2 unrelated chromosomal abnormalites, plus two mc's, causes unknown (chromosomal methinks)

I don't think it's negative as such to be realising that for some people the 'bad luck' just keeps coming. It's the way it is sometimes. Peanut, your post didn't surprise me either, but I am so so sorry that after all you have been through that this has happened again. I can't think of much more to say I'm afraid as I feel so very numb about things, which is why I haven't been posting.

Can't, you give me hope that maybe, just maybe, we can get there. I feel exactly like you, that my ds is a miracle that happened against the odds. I suppose if we did it once then there has to be hope for that miracle happening again.
Have to go as I haven't got anything positive to contribute at the moment. Am not in a good place

Heelo everyone, no time to post properly but I just wanted to acknowledge Peanut's post and say that I am so sorry you have another massive hurdle to overcome. I'm afraid words fail me but I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you xxxx

I'm here too but generally just lurking as I'm feeling numb really. The positive is that the scan was clear and the physical stuff has really cleared up with only occasional aches left. Thank goodness for that. The downside is it's another 7 weeks til we can see the geneticist.

Peanut - I was really, really shocked when I read your post and I'm just so sorry for you and your family. I hope the lead up to the funeral is as peaceful as it can be and that the day itself isn't too hard. I'm not surprised though if it feels like an afterthought - it must feel so unreal. Are the doctors going to be able to answer your concerns about the possibility of having a weak cervix or a possible problem with carrying boys? They must be able to give you some answers of some sort. I'm thinking of you for what that's worth.

I hope Scrum and Allways are doing ok with the stages of IVF and hurray and hurray again for your friend Scrum - what lovely and hopeful news.

Can't - I having a sneaking suspicion you're right about horrors following horrors because of links that can't be medically known yet. My DH doesn't agree with me though - he's a scientist and tends to be able to think through this sort of thing far more rationally than me.

I feel sort of lucky (on a good day) that we know that Adam's condition might be genetic because that way the doctors will be able to spot it if there is another pregnancy and if the risks are so high that it means another pregnancy would be a bad choice then we could just draw a line under ever having another. Plus we might be able to help DD should she be a carrier too (and any other family member if the dodgy gene is spread that far). At least we have a bit of knowledge and when we see the geneticist in 7 weeks time we'll hopefully have more. It's not a lot to make me feel lucky though and I spend my time trying to think out what I'll feel like if it becomes clear it's me who carries a dodgy gene. DH tells me it's no different to having the genes for blue eyes or brown hair and that I couldn't be blamed if it was me but as I say he can think about these things far more rationally than me.

Monkey - I hope you're ok too - you sounded really down and you're right if you can have DS you could have another healthy child (that's what I keep telling myself about DD)

Also hoping Coffee and Drama are doing ok with their pregnancies.

Hello to anyone else who's around and I hope you're all as ok as you can be.

Hi Monkey, Lisbeth is right, you do sound very down. Understandable when you read the list of traumatic pregnancies that you have been through. I can't give advice, but I can say that you sound down enough now - if you conceive again, pregnancy can't be worse than the place you're in now, in a sort of defeated limbo. You do have your DS and you can have another child. You know, even when the odds are bad, even when there are genetic factors giving you a 1 in x chance of something going wrong, well even then there is usually more chance of it going right.

The problem, IME, lies in realizing that - when we've had our losses to deal with, it's tough, tough, tough.

Lisbeth, I am so glad about your clear scan - what a relief. Pain about waiting 7 weeks for the geneticist though. Do you have holidays planned, or anything nice to try to distract yourself?

To my list, I need to add Monkey and, I think, Scrum (ectopic plus T21? Is that right?).

There is a debate going on in AIBU about lowering the age-limit for terminations from 24 to 12 weeks. The very idea of debating that makes me sick. You can only debate that if you come from a very different place from us....

Yes, Can't. I saw that debate in aibu and stupidly read some of it but did resist the temptation to write exactly what I thought. The naivety and thoughtlessness of a very few people posting there was a bit breathtaking.

Yes, fortunately have a holiday planned for the week after the geneticist but just have August in the way really. Just got to get through the month - guess it's just a day at a time.

I just had a look on that thread - the OP is not the brightest and as far as I looked all the responses were outraged. Also been having a look on the miscarriage area and there are a lot of ladies there posting with similar cases of unrelated bad luck. Odd isn;t it? I mean if you have 2 totally different chromosomal abnormalities you can still make a link even if the experts say there isn;t one. But when the crap is things like an ectopic followed by an abnormality it's hard to see a connection. And with me it was two different eggs so you'd think it unlikely.

I don't know if this whole ongoing bad luck thing makes me feel better or worse. In a way better as I realise I'm not alone. I've always been so bitter about us having to have donor eggs but I'm slowly realising that recurrent miscarriage is a pretty shite hand too. That just because a person can get pregnant easily it doesn't make things better. That there are other awful things in the world of baby making.

I think to add to the list - Popsy had something like ectopic then miscarriage due to amnio then one of the Ts.

Monkey, hope you're OK. And yes if we managed one DC we can manage another, it's just how many times we're prepared to go through this. ANd in my case how far we can take our credit cards....

Weirdly I'm still doing OK, think it's the antidepressants that are making me slightly hyper. Just all feels surreal - I was in the throes of morning sickness this time a year ago with my miracle baby, no idea of the year I was about to have. Thank god - I'd never have thought I'd get through this lot. What really worries me now is what's round the corner - what this time next year will bring. And DH is very low. Very frustrated that again we're back in a situation with no money, no baby , no chance to move abroad and get out of the hole we're in. he becomes very difficult, quite bullying and it's a real strain. I do wonder how much a marriage can take.

Anyway love to everyone, Bee, I know you're lurking, Allways, hope something is moving re the IVF, Lisbeth - phew re the physical stuff being resolved and Scrum good luck with the injections. xxx

IKWYM, Peanut. Sometimes I wonder whether what I went through was worse than just failing to conceive at all. I feel it was, because there were the agonizing losses (and the second in particular ripped me apart), but at least during those pregnancies I was (naively) happy. Though if the problem was conception, you would presumably be less likely to panic over every scan when you did get pregnant. But maybe you would. Because you would know that you couldnt just get pregnant again at the drop of a hat. Yup, there are many crap ways of not having a much-wanted baby.

Personally don't believe the adage about life only setting obstacles in your path that you can cope with. Too many people who blatantly arent coping in the world for me to swallow that. But I do feel that the tests life sets affirm our strength somehow. And we cope with far more than we ever imagined we would - think Allways said this, once, and I so agree.

Allways, please let us know how the IVF is going. Peanut and Scrum understand better than me but I imagine it is a rollercoaster.

Mmetracy, I have been thinking about you. If you are lurking, big hugs and I hope the writing is going well.

Hello my little handmaidens
Gosh so much to compute with us all. And I have had two large glasses of wine, well why not, so cannot make the connections that I should.
Peanut; you did not offend me in the slightest the other day, nor did you Coffee as you suspect you may have. We are all beyond being offended, as of course we all know that here in our unique and peculiar world, that we are doing our best to support and understand each other. We are united by misery sometimes and for some of us finally happiness or if not happiness then resignation or some kind of peace.
So am not upset that you mentioned age. I am old! I am nearly 43 and is crazy in so many ways to still have the soundtrack of conception running alongside my life.
We are all trying to makes sense of it; of the losses.
I remember being utterly consumed with trying to make sense of the why. Why me? Why twice? Why a miscarriage after the twice?
Now, almost a year after my miscarriage and two years since my first termination, I do not question it so much. It happened. I do not know why. No one does. It happened and in my case, well it could happen again. 1 in 10 chance.
For you Peanut, it is so very bewildering. Since the last wee boy was not your egg honey, I suspect you can not take responsibility for the genetic or developmental component. In some ways, this would be comforting maybe. That it is out of your air space.
And if this is so, then it is chance, Mistress Fate playing a cruel hand.
In which case, then you can keep on keeping on. But you are right again, how much can a marriage sustain? I am not sure either.
Finally, it is all so very exhausting and the way I feel now is that life is short. Too short. Too precious and just cannot live in this state anymore. Which is why I have detached myself and why am not longer Queen Bee. Although I read and process and care.
If you are reading, dear new lady Jools, then you are in safe hands with these kind souls.
Hello to dear Cando, and Bezzy, my Bezzy.
And all of you; too boozy breathed to name you all, but old timers like Pelvic, and Marj - I think of you two.
Bee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Also Peanut; on your issue of what can you do to change your luck; nothing. There is some spectrum or order of things, some outcomes that are beyond our control. It is not our fault my love. All you can do is look after your lovely self, and your wee girl and your husband ( if he deserves it) and maybe take folic acid and hang on tight and hope. The nonsensicalness of it is tortuous for a while isn't it? And then, finally you will maybe one day accept it. Maybe because you have a healthy baby like lovely Cantdo or maybe because you get to the end of it all. Like me. It will just creep up on you maybe; normal life, no worrying and obsessing about babies, or at least less of it.
Or you may have a baby.
And that will heal you.
Ps I like this idea the most.
Who does not of course.
xxxxxx
Ps shut me up someone for gawd's sake
Mx

hello all
Hope you're all ok this Monday lunchtime

I was just wondering if any of you had found that some of your friendships had changed a lot since ending your pregnancies/your pregnancies ending without your intervention?

I had what I thought was a good friend who DD and I used to see with her own DD about twice a week. That was until the day I told her I was going into hospital to end the pregnancy (i.e. take the tablet) and ever since then she has kept her distance and pretty much refusing to do anything with us but keeps sending me emails and texts saying how she's thinking of us and "big love" xxx (which given her unwillingness to see us now feels pretty insulting and lacking in meaning). Then when she suggests doing something I agree and suggest a time and miraculously she's arranged something with someone else and maybe next time eh. And then she does that again and again. I think she's doesn't know what on earth to say to me or she thinks I'll be awkward and emotional (I won't) but I did keep on wishing she would give me a chance just to be normal but she won't. Now I just think it's probably time to forget about her and move on with those people who have been real friends but it just seems so sad to lose a friendship at just that time when you need it - maybe the point is it wasn't the friendship I thought it was.

Rambling post from me again - sorry! I think I'm surprised by how hurt I am by this but I guess I should just be grateful for the other friends I've got.

OOOOh yes Lisbeth - sadly I have. No time to post about it right now but will do. It is upsetting though. If I have time and 2 glasses of wine a la Bee I will tell you some sad tale about my friends. Having said that I've also realised how wonderful most people are.

Hi all,

Jools, if you're reading this I want you to know how much I'm thinking of you in these very early and raw days.

Hello all, just a few personals, but I am thinking of you all.

Monkey, I'm thinking of you too. I hope someone in RL is looking after you?

Peanut, you've had to take such a lot in such a short amount of time. I too wonder how much more a person / relationship can take and yet somehow, we do take it and we propel our way through the darkness.

Scrum, have you started the cycle yet?

Ah Lisbeth, I've lost contact with someone who I thought was a good friend and strengthened 2 other friendships since my termination. I've found comfort in the most unlikely of places and not found it where I felt it should have been. It?s taken me months to shed the anger I?ve felt toward those who haven?t supported me and my husband. Last weekend something ?give? in me and the anger is gone now, but I know that that my relationship with some of my family has changed forever and is less than it was....but that ok.

We?re no further on in this ivf cycle, had a scan last week and the Dr saw something which looked with an early pg sac. So a very scared/hopeful/emotional/agonizing wait for the pregnancy test. Although I knew it would be negative, but a tiny, tiny part of me hoped it wouldn?t be. It was negative and the sac was then diagnosed as blood filled sac and the Dr put me on a course of Norethsterone to me make me bleed and clear out the lining / sac. I?m still down regging, so at least I don?t have to start the cycle over from the beginning, but this delay is so disappointing and like many here feel utterly cursed with bad luck. I can?t even down reg properly, never mind get pregnant.