Antenatal support thread for women who have chosen to terminate VI

[Coffeeandchocolate]

Time for a new thread, ladies. May it continue to give us comfort, and help us find a special, sunny place in our hearts, where our babies are safely tucked in. May it bring good luck to everyone who posts or justs reads.

And to the old-timers, it?s so lovely to still have you here with us, reaching out.

Oh Lisbeth I really hope your consultant is wrong and that your tests come back clear. I can imagine how terrifying it is.

There was a poster on an early version of this thread, JumpingJellyfish I think her name was, who had a 1/4 chance of her child having a severe genetic disorder. She had CVS at the earliest possible opportunity and got the all-clear. So it doesn't necessarily mean not trying again. I can see though why you might not want to given the high risk.

For your DD, I echo the others - things will have changed dramatically by the time she wants to conceive. Try not to worry about her.

I really hope the consultant turns out to be wrong. I have everything crossed for you. Come back and talk to us.

Hi Bez and PH. I used to work out the age gap between Peppa and George. Another loon here!
Your DHs will come round. Capt Condom has eventually come round several times now - I have faith that he will again.

Everyone hello
Peanut and Bezzy - you are not alone in not being pregnant although you might be lonely not being pregnant. Little sad wave from me on this matter too.
Lisbeth - this is very distressing news, but lovey you have not had the genetic meeting yet so maybe, just maybe, things are not as bad as they seem right now. Although I can imagine how horrifying it is to hear yet again more bad news.
I am posting because I wanted to tell you that PGD is very alive and well - indeed I have been to be tested for my suitability. I am not suitable, why am I not surprised by this, as have so few eggs that it would make the odds of having a successful cycle very low. But truly the consultant I saw is very confident about it as a mechanism for successful pregnancies. And it has moved on ENORMOUSLY in the last year alone.
Also in the papers last week; a new test for DS that requires a blood sample at 6 or 7 weeks.
There is HOPE. It is terrible to be told there may be a genetic issue; I guess it is translocation Trisomy 21. Hold on tight to your loved ones. And seek all the help and advice you need.
Thinking of the pain you must be feeling and wishing you strength.
hugs
Bee xxx

Bezzy - would love for us to meet up. Summer hols? I can bring DD then who loves smaller children and would happily occupy Mini Bez, so we can natter. And no need to get your passport out, we could find a nice country pub halfway. Sounds like a cunning plan to me!

Lisbeth, having suffered recurrent T21 issues, I really understand your panic and upset. If you can, hold on for your next meeting with the consultant. Then, faced with the facts, you can look at a plan which works for you. We just floundered around blindly for many years. Such a waste of time and one of my biggest regrets. Finding who to take advice from is key, and it sounds as if you have identified someone who will help you to make sense of whatever. I wish you the very, very best of luck.

Am running stupidly late, so brief but heartfelt congrats to Drama and a big hug to Bee, who it is so good to see again.

Hope the week is kind to everyone x

Hi Everyone

Haven't been able to log on for a while (sometimes get this from Oz - do you Mish?) so hello to everyone and congrats to Drama...hope the line is still going strong.

Quick post as have had draining day (more later) but just wanted to mention a couple of things:-

Lisbeth. Thinking of you after your news but hopefully you will be a candidate for pre-implantation genetic testing? We are set up for it just in case we have enough blatocysts to test after our impending IVF and my understanding is that of all the chromosomal abnormalities aside from mosaic. I also echo what the other posters have said about your daughter. Truly, I can't see it being an issue for her at all - in the last few years alone there have been such huge leaps in the testing that can be done. None of which makes it any easier for you though, hang in there darling.

To everyone whose partners are reluctant to try again, my sympathies. During the (compulary) counselling for our IVF my husband said something which resonated which was that when we went/are going through our pregnancy losses, I lose the baby and because of biology feel this more viscerally, but he loses both the baby and me for many months and that is almost as hard for him. So I can imagine that it must be big leap for some to try again and see their great loves open themselves up to so much pain again.

And on a lighter note, I am so pleased I am not going insane. I am obsessed with age differences and also the age of people giving birth. I was reading about the fox attacks on the twins in the UK and the moment after thinking gosh how awful, I was thinking gosh she is 41 with newish born twins that means she was pregnant when she was 40, I wonder if it means she had IVF etc etc...glad to hear that it is 'normal' in this abnormal journey of ours.

Which brings me onto mine. Hopefully we will start IVF later this month as planned but had a bit of a mini drama over last few days as had pap test two and a half years after last one (that one was OK after birth of DS, previous ones had been abnormal and had had some cells removed a few years before but then all was OK)which essentially indicated the worst abnormalities prior to cancer (CN3)...anyway, at best was thinking this would severly put back TTC due to treatment but had a colposcopy today and confusingly the cervix looks 'normal' so gyno advised that route would be to come back in 3 months as likely to be OK with the only other possibility being the 'bad' cells could be 'further up' and therefore not seen by colposcopy. Net net, as he knew of our plans to TTC he said I could wait a month and then he could redo the pap (he would normally wait 3 months but is aware of our timing issues)- if it still indicated problem would then have mini opp which would delay ttc for one cycle after treatment - or I could continue with IVF as planned as even if it was the worst case scenario with the pap results, things move slowly so could be treated post birth without really compromising outlook. I asked him if I was his wife and he was in our situation what he would do and he said he would move with IVF as that is time critical (due to my age) and the worst case scenario pap test results wise isn't.

God it just doesn't stop does it. How I long for a time when I don't have some huge anxiety bearing down on me. It has bought me and DH closer though as I have been really irritated recently and taking things out on him and this faint reminder of the possibilty of my own mortality as focused my mind back to the here and now and to be grateful for what I have. For today anyway!

With that gyno waffle (sorry if it is a bit too detailed) I shall leave you with my love x

Oh Scrum, it?s never just one thing, is it? It?s really crap, all you have to go through, but you seem to be so well looked after by your doctor, and it seems to me you are receiving good advice from him. I will keep my fingers crossed that this is just a scare and the results will be ok one month down the line. Especially that you have been through this before and it was ok after that. I am thinking that, if things were really bad, your doctor would not have advised ttc. Can I make a virtual trip to Oz and give you a big hug?

About your dh and ttc, what you wrote resonated with me. My dh has never put it into words like this, he just told me once that our loss has changed me so much, as I used to be ?brighter? before, whereas now I look as if I carry something on my shoulders all the time, even when I?m having a good day. He didn?t mean it in a reproachful way, he just meant that he misses the old me and wants to see me really happy again.

I am so glad you and your dh can lean onto each other at these difficult times, it is so important. Hang on to each other and come and speak with us when you can, we are here for you xx

Lisbeth, I hope you are a bit better? Also thinking of you Peanuthead. And it?s so lovely to hear your voice again dearest Bee, I miss you xx

Quick update from me. I have been generally ok, although these last few days have been very sad. Yesterday I have been to a memorial service at our local hospital, and it?s been heart-breaking and uplifting at the same time. I couldn?t stop crying, but it did me good. Hearing Silvia?s name read out loud has touched me so much, and lighting a candle for her next to many other little candles comforted me.

Sending you all much love xxxx

Oh Scrum, I hope you are OK given the scare. The experts sound as though you shouldn't be too worried - hard to avoid though. I hadn't realized you were pioneering PGD already - that's brilliant. You sound so positive - and so together! Keep venting here whenever.

Allways, what happens next? I am IVF-ignorant, and very interested.

Coffee, I never managed to attend the hospital memorial service. I am glad it helped in a way.

I think Scrum's DH's account of how all this affected him is really telling. My DH had a run of bad health during/after our losses. I am sure it was, basically, unspoken grief/stress/loss of control.

Hi Bee! Hope is good. I hadn't read about the blood test, but had read good things about PGD.

Lisbeth, how are you doing?

Finally... I am JEALOUS of a thread meet-up. bBezz and Shangrila, I demand you report back afterwards! Wish someone here lived nearer me...

Hugs to anyone I've forgotten. Tired and mushybrained, so may well have...

Oh Scrum, I just can't believe that you're having to go through this additional worry. But as the others have already said, you sound like you're getting some sound advice.

You ok Lisbeth?

And I agree Can't, I think Scrum's DH has hit the nail on the head. Capt C has said more than once that he 'misses' me. I turn into an alien creature when pregnant.

Shangrila - have CATted you, really looking forward to us meeting.

Much love to all x

Scrum, things are never straightforward are they? Do you know I haven't had a smear since I had DD incase anything showed up and I had to put off treatment so I do feel for you. Even a month feels like an age with IVF. I'm even more nervous about ahving one now with my possible incompetent cervix issues. Sounds like you're in good hands though.

Coffee, I have been lighting candles in every church we go into - and as we're in former Yugoslavia there are a lot as they're about the only tourist attraction on offer. DD is obsessed with it - think my Catholic parents have been doing it with her. I told her the first time the 2 candles I lit were for Ben and Alex and we lit another one today and she said it was for "Baby Ben and Patrick". Nearly right anyway.

I do feel very much that they're somehow tied together and are certainly together.

Lisbeth, hope you're OK. Horrible to have any hope for future pregnancies taken away but as the others have said you never know til you get your results. And even then there is always hope if you can reach far enough.

I'm so premenstrual it's untrue. Dreading AF for obvious reasons. Won't be online n ow for a couple of weeks as DH is going home and taking the computer and I'm staying on with DD. My parents are coming for a few days too. I basically changed my flight as I can't face going home and back to the reality of the loss. I've been in such a holiday bubble just terrified that when i get home it'll all come crashing down but also I know that grief is good. As an emetophobe I suppose it's a bit like vomiting! You feel better afterwards...
I can feel the dread and depression mounting as the time gets closer to leaving. Just hope I don't fall apart on the plane journey home. DH really doesn't get it - he just says well we'll have another baby at some point so what's to be so down about.

Anyway will undoubtedly be on here hanging on for dear life in about 10 days... see you then. xxxxxxxxx

I'm doing better than last week. I can't remember who said it, but Adam did have an unbalanced translocation - I didn't say that's what it was as I thought no-one would've heard of it - I certainly hadn't. I thought you had Downs and mosaicism of Downs but nothing else. Shows what I know.
I think it's right to say that the chance of it being a familial translocation is about 25% but I don't know what the chance of us having passed it on to DD is. I think you're probably all right that PGD may be the answer for DD should she need any answer at all in the future. As for us, I'm not sure if it's something available on the NHS and we couldn't afford private fertility treatment. I guess all of these questions will be answered and so I've just got to sit tight and wait. I've ordered a book called Embracing Uncertainty in the hope that might give me some ideas as to how to deal with the next month or so. I just keep wishing this sodding awful year was over and we could wipe the slate clean and begin again with another new year.
I'm back to the hospital on Wednesday for my scan to see if there's anything left internally. There doesn't seem to be any let up.
Anyway, this is becoming self-pitying and there are so many of you who have been or who are in worse situations so sorry for that - am thinking of you all and hoping for the best for us all.

Lisbeth, this is NOT self-pitying. You had so much thrown at you, losing Adam, then the complications, and now this. You've had more than your share of bad luck. As everbody else said, there is no other way but to take it day by day until you know for sure what was wrong (easier said then done, I know...). There is still a chance the consultant was wrong. This uncertainty is the worst, I think you've done the right things ordering that book, I hope it will be helpful. Also, I hope they won't find anything tomorrow at the scan. Big hugs.

Thinking of you too, Scrum. xx

(Peeks head round the door cautiously...) Hello all. I am just dropping by, as I felt a bit like I just disappeared a few months ago....it feels weird to be here, a bit like visiting an old school. I did disappear somewhat but I just felt so OK after the anniversary it felt like the right thing to do. Besides it doesn't feel right me being on an antenatal thread at my age... although somewhat in limbo as not ready yet to join the menopause thread!

I've popped on only a few times to read but really not followed anyone's story as I've missed large chunks. So apologies to the newcomers that this will be all about me. I felt that I should at least say hello to the old timers and tell you where I am at. Maybe my thoughts will help the newcomers in the future too. As I've said before somewhat an oddball here as I am not trying for another baby although I know others aren't also but for different reasons. For me it is purely my age (45 next month) and that I am blessed with a family. After the termination (which would have been baby 4) I felt very thankful and that I had very little grounds to 'complain'. And now another few months later I am much the same. However I had some strange feelings a few weeks ago. My period came as usual but was much more hormonal. I just went back over the whole thing in my head and had a few weepy days. Also the usual thoughts of "I could have coped". Not helped by the fact that my youngest is coming up for 5 at the end of this month and starting school in August! I feel that if it had happened a year later I may have acted differently, but whose to say? I thrashed it all out and thought that I just can't come to any rational conclusions about it all. It happened when it did and I felt that I couldn't cope then. I've come to know a bit more about T21 since then and had I had that knowledge well maybe.... but it just ends up going round in circles....

But I had a feeling that I am never going to get 'closure' from this ever... its just going to drift along and accompany me for the rest of my life, the guilt, the what ifs... and I've just got to get on with it. I also had a strong feeling of just wanting to have a conversation and say "sorry" to my boy, my not-baby, that was almost certainly viable but frustratingly not having anyone there to say it to and there never will be anyone...

However it all disapated after a few days. I was surprised at how strong I felt those feelings though after feeling so OK. Guess I am back to feeling OK now. Keep telling myself I've not broken the law, although it feels like it so much. And life is good and so much easier the kids are a bit older and I am enjoying them, doing so much with them, being extremely busy and hardly even thinking about the termination. But as you all know it is a shadow that will never go away.

Sorry am wittering on now...! Quick update - as I said ds2 is going to school and looking forward to it.. the other kids already know him of course and baby him (he's only the size of a 3 year old) Am very proud of dd as she came 1st in 5 races on sports day. Got party for ds1 birthday in a couple of weeks at our cottage with the jacuzzi and pool, really looking forward to it. Been camping a couple of times already. Our school hols started on Friday so I'd better go and get everyone organised for today.

Sorry to take up so much space. I feel better already for typing all this out so maybe even after all this time... what is is it 16 months?.. I still need to offload occasionally.

Good luck to all those trying for a baby and big hugs to everyone, wish I could have done individual posts.

xxxx

Hi Eulalia! Sorry no time to post properly (away with kids on school hols) but just wanted to say lovely to hear from you. I promised you ages ago that if you popped in I'd have photos up on my profile, but haven't got round to it so please drop into my 'shitty' blog (long story ) - [email protected] and have a peek. Again, so nice to hear from you and get an update xxx

Scrum, have wanted to drop a line to you too to say I've been thinking of you. Quite unfair having this worry on top of everything else. Take care xxx

Hello and love to everyone else. Still finding time to read, though not enough to post in this last week or so, but thinking of you all xxx

PS. Coffee, love to know you have seen Bella in action xxx

Hi Eulalia, don't just pop your heads round the door, come in... I am in a different place than you and my circumstances are completely different, but I think I know what you mean by being surprised at the intensity of your feelings. It's only 5 (almost 6) months for me since I decided to terminate, but the journey seems to be the same: weeks of feeling better and then, all of a sudden, a thought, or something I see or read about brings back the rawness and the agony of those first days. And with it comes guilt, as you say the what ifs. Like for you, my baby's condition was not incompatible with life, and I do wonder sometimes if her odds would have actually been better than what the doctors said. And I also know I would have coped, there would have been no other choice, but at what price? For us and for her?

I am not sure there is closure, I feel like this is not something you "get over". Lovely Numpty was talking in here, a while ago, about this experience being like a ring in a tree, which is absorbed into our beings. I found this image very fitting.

Anyway, I am rambling, just random thoughts... Not much help I'm afraid, just wanted to say that like you, I sometimes go back to those early days when we made the decision, and reading your post makes me understand that this will always be the case. Maybe it's because what we did was so much against all our instincts that our bodies and minds cannot forget. But we did act with love in our hearts and trying to make the best we could, in very unfortunate circumstances.

Hope everyone else is ok, Scrum, Allways, Peanut, Bezzy, Lisbeth, and sorry if I forgot anyone. Mishta, lovely to hear from you, I was wonderimg why you were so silent.Big hugs to Cantdo and Bee as well xxxx

Coffee and Allways -it's 9:40pm on the east coast of Australia and, as I write, Glee is on, they're singing 'Somewhere over the rainbow' - just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you both and your girls xx

Mishta, I am moved to tears and lost for words. Thank you xxxx

How is everyone doing? Allways, thinking a lot of you as you are quiet at the moment.

Have been re-reading this thread from a year ago when I was so very raw. It saved me, I think.

Thinking of you all, anyway.

Cantdo, thanks for thinking of me and Mishtabel, thank you for thinking of my girls.

I'm quiet, because I feel in such a different place and not sure where is anywhere I belong. Although I'm almost 3 weeks into an IVF cycle, I'm still down regging and ivf feels very different to those ttc naturally. My rawness has changed to a deep pain that hurts in a new way. Many of you here are dealing with so much sadness and I'm sorry I've not been any support. I'm trying to find new ways of managing the pain and everyday life. I'm so worried this cycle won't work and have no idea how I'll deal with the failure. Then I remember thinking I could never deal with the loss of our second daughter when we lost Lilly and yet here I am 4 months later. I'm surprised at how much we can deal with.

Much love to all.

Hello all, just thought i would pop in and say hello, i've been lurking but not posting as i feel ok atm obviously nervous and worried sick and scared that something will go wrong with this pregnancy too but i'm taking it a day at a time and enjoying it as much as i can.
Allways and Coffee: I watched that episode when it aired here and cryed my eyes out thinking of you, it was such a beautiful version.
Scrum the lines are still going strong, i did another test after the 1st response on the day AF was due and it confirmed i'm (god willing) having a mini-drama of my own lol, i hope everything goes well for you it sounds like you have a very caring group of profesionals around you.
Lisbeth: i hope everything went well on weds and they found nothing more, i think you've been through enough already and hopefully the time has come for you to heal after the loss of Adam (such a lovely name) i'm sending you lots of love and general good vibes.
Right i'm off because i need the loo again... seem to spend most of my time there these days must be all the water and orange juice i'm downing
Love to all XxDramaxX

Hi Allways, it's perfectly understandable that you need sometimes to be quiet, but please don't let this be because you think you might not belong here or on the other thread. Don't ever hesitate to post if you feel it might help you.

I know what you mean by saying you are able to cope with more than you would have ever thought possible. I had the same thought actually a couple of days ago, and it filled me with dread. I was thinking about this baby and possibly losing him/her, now or later, and just remembered the days when I lost Silvia. My mind started to wander and I imagined another loss, another scan with devastating news, another day in hospital, then coming home without a baby, again. And I thought: I could never cope with that. And then it hit me, that I actually could, and I probably could cope with much more than that. I panicked as all of a sudden this realisation made it all seem like a very real possibility.

Not sure all this makes sense. Anyway, I must have said it before, but I am hoping so much that your IVF is successful this cycle, you more than deserve it. When will you know? Sorry but I have no experience of IVF and I don't know how it works.

Hello to everyone else, you have all been very quiet and I hope you are all ok. Lots of love xxxx

Allways, I echo Coffee completely. I can't pretend to understand about IVF - it's something I have no experience of. I have gathered though from Peanut's posts that it makes everything a whole lot harder and I assume the stakes feel so much higher every cycle. I have everything crossed for you.

I understand about the coping, too. When I had my first termination, at 13 weeks, I posted on here (there were no termination threads then - I posted on the miscarriage area) and people replied who had had terminations after the anomaly scan. And I remember thinking, no way could I cope with that, thank goodness this came at 12 weeks. Then it happened to me at 20 weeks too - and I coped. But then I started obsessing about babies dying at full term birth, thinking I could never cope with that, and then worrying that I WOULD end up having to cope with it. I was haunted by that fear.

We are stronger than we think, but it comes at a price, I think; it changes who we are and how we relate to the world.

Thinking of you anyway Allways, and Lisbeth, and Peanuthead, and Scrum. So hard for all of you at the mo. Big hugs. And to Bee and Bezzy as well!

Oh and Eulalia, do come back and tell us about your family!

Hi Everyone

Sending out lots of positive vibes to Allways for a positive outcome this month. I can't help with understanding what it is like yet as we haven't started as still don't have period but I am sure I will understand what you are going through in a few weeks/months time.

I've been a bit quiet as the abnormal pap test thing seems to have been the - crap analagy coming up - broken heel on a shoe on the way home from a really shitty day - the smallish thing relatively speaking that makes you loose it a bit. So, last week I was feeling sorry for myself then angry and then ending up taking everything out on lovely husband who has taken so much looney shouting irrational things from me until he finally snapped emotionally and was all a bit horrid but now we are fine and I think it was quite a good thing really as I realise that I can't just keep 'pushing' him away and being snarky ALL the time so I feel that we are - for now - back on a positive track. Today though having fairly irrational worries that maybe my Dr was wrong and something is wrong re the pap test and maybe the pregnancy ended so I was meant to 'find out' and do something to save my health. This sounds a bit mad when I write it down but I think it all part of the trying to find meaning in what happended when of course it was just crappy old luck. I may go and get a second opinion anyway to put my mind at rest although still keen to start IVF asap so keep changing my mind about that.

Anyway, with all that me me me, I'm going to have to go as DH just pulled up and one of the things I have agreed to do is to spend less time on social media (most of my friends are in UK) in evenings and talk more to him about stuff so will love you all and leave you and sneak back in a few days. Love to all xxx

Hello ladies x

Just popping my head around the door to say a very quick hello.

I know I'm a bit of a floater these days, but I was at the cemetery on Sunday and I was thrilled to see that there is finally a name stone to mark Gracie's grave - although we buried her in December, we sadly had to wait until the whole plot was filled before the name stones were laid, so it was a (nice?) surprise to see it was finally there.

(I'm not sure how it works in other cemeteries, but in ours there are 16 babies per plot, which is both heartbreaking but comforting at the same time to know Gracie isn't alone.)

Anyway, seeing the names of all those babies made me think of you all and wonder how you're getting on - hence me popping by.

Congratulations to those of you who are now expecting, and good luck to those of you who are embarking on the IVF journey. I truly wish all of you so much happiness over the coming months.

As for me, we're still very much TTC and getting slightly frustrated that we don't seem to be having any success so far. This will be our 8th cycle since losing Gracie, and I occasionally struggle to get my head around the fact that both she and my mmc were conceived at the first attempt. Compounded with this is the fact that it was my birthday last week and one of my best friends announced her second pregnancy at my party, which was a slightly strange pill to swallow - especially as I know she has had her own issues ttc in the past, so I'm genuinely thrilled for her.

Aside from this, DH and I are doing well, and trying to cram as much as we can into this year as possible - which basically means planning lots of holidays, eating out and doing lots of amazing things that we would not have had the opportunity to do had either of our babies made it. (Obviously we'd give absolutely anything to be at home with either a 6 month old or 8 week old baby, but as we're not, we may as well make the most of the time we have together.)

Anyway, sending you all much love, warm wishes and brighter days.
Viv xxx

Viv, it must have a lovely sight, seeing the name stone at Gracie's resting place. Lovely in that, Gracie is remembered in a special way with 15 other babies and isn't alone. I know the frustration of trying and seemingly getting nowhere, that must be all the more difficult know you got pregnant quickly with your previous pregnancies. I wish you much luck.

I'm feeling very low today. Just back from a baseline scan to see if I'm able to start stimming, and my lining is too thick and my right ovary is very active. I knew this already, lots of twinges and cm and I was worried this cycle would be abandoned completely. So I guess taking the down regging drugs and waiting for another bleed isn't too bad, but I'm so disappointed, I desperately want to get pregnant and this delay feel like another kick, when I?ll already down. This didn't happen with the last fresh cycle. The Dr said it was common, but I can't help doubt him.....I doubt everything at the moment.

Srum, we too hit a wall a few days ago, my poor husband had taken just about enough. I've been feeling so very angry and bitter lately, a newer facet of my grief. I haven't directed my anger at him, but he was in the way if you see what I mean. I feel so awful about it, he lost his daughters too and yet seems to be able to deal with it so much better than me. We had a long talk and the air is clear now. I had thought I was ready to move on from the counselling I was having, but the past few days have shown I'm not.

Hello to everyone else.

Hello ladies, just popping in very quickly.

Viv, feeling frustrated is so understandable, but there is definitely hope as your previous experience shows. I think you and your dh are doing the right thing by spoiling yourselves, even if you would of course give it all away just to have a baby with you now, it is so important to take comfort in each other now.

Allways, I am not sure I can say anything "right", as I would feel exactly like you. Every delay is heartbreaking and it is disheartening to hear the doctors talk about it so casually. On the other hand, if they are a bit blase it is because they have seen so much, and them saying it is common really means it is and there is hope for next time. Although I do understand if when reading this you will just snigger and tell me to take my talking of hope and bugger off.

About the dhs, I am sure that our physical experiences, which are so different, shape our grief in very different ways. I don't know if your dh is dealing with it better (I really think you are dealing with it all remarkably well and am in awe of your strength and lack of self pity) but if he is anything like my dh, he feels responsible for taking care of you and being the shoulder you can cry on. Being the one who supports you. So from the start his role is defined and I think it was Bee who was telling me a while ago that this is a role they need, they feel useful by protecting us.

I really have to dash now and as usual I have rambled on and on. Sending you all lots of love xxxx

Hi again, just wanted to acknowledge your responses, thank you. I meant to come on later that day but as I said its school hols so difficult to find a moment.

Congrats to Dramamum on your pregnancy. Mishtabel I will certainly have a look at your blog.

We are away on Saturday for a week so am now in the throes of packing. Its to our usual cottage with the pool and jacuzzi! Having another heavy period so at least that will be nearly past and I can enjoy my holiday. Felt exhausted yesterday and despite all my 'what ifs' I know that a baby then or now would have been the end of me...!

I had some thoughts which I meant to write down but they seem to have evaporated but maybe that is a good thing. See you all soon, bye for now. xxx