Antenatal support thread for women who have chosen to terminate VI

[Coffeeandchocolate]

Time for a new thread, ladies. May it continue to give us comfort, and help us find a special, sunny place in our hearts, where our babies are safely tucked in. May it bring good luck to everyone who posts or justs reads.

And to the old-timers, it?s so lovely to still have you here with us, reaching out.

MmeT, just want to wish you all the very best with everything. I can totally understand where you are coming from. Take care of yourself, and know that you can drop back in anytime just to say 'hi' xxxxxx

BTW, am totally in awe of you re: boot camp

Mme T - there does come a point where it's time to let go and move on. Good luck in whatever you decide re ttc.

July butterfly - I am constantly ashamed by my lack of personals. But I think this is as much a place ot offload as to chat - well i hope it is as that is often what I do on here.... Plus it's hard to jeep up with everyone's stories - I started reading back from th very first thread last night but didn't get very far as there's so much. I did find it really useful though - everyone is a t different stages of grief on here so found it a real comfort to read back when some of the "oldies" were at a similar stage to me, to know that my feelings are normal. To hear about Bezzy - wherever you are now - feeling frozen and numb. And when Bee got her second diagnosis. Also Lins - didn't realsie your second lost baby was a heart baby too - reading your thread was like reading my own original story.

Will try to read on tonight.

Re clothes. Urghghg. When pg with Ben I wore one particualr dress constantly as I could hide my pregnancy. Was wearing it teh day we got the heart diagnosis and then went in to do a practical exam in it. With ths lat pregnancy I refused to wear it. Until the day I had another practical exam and wore it again as was the only smart thing I had- which was the day my cervix started opening. Ladies, superstitious it may be but I'm waiting for the right moment to chuck it out in some ritual way. MAybe when/if I get pg again. Those things are so silly yet so full of significance.

Am posting in bits as I fear the computer dying or DD waking up - am lying in a hammock on our beautiful terrace and should be rubbing my lovley 23 week bump, instead just have saggy post pregnancy flab. But that' the least of it.

I've been thinking about the differences between losing a baby suddenly and having to make the decision to terminate. For me I think the termination was "easier". But we knew from 12 weeks that there was a problem which is alot earlier than the 20 plus weeks alot of you got to. The fact that it was my decision made it easier - the element of control. I don't ahve guilt - I wonder why. Ben would ahve lived for a few hours only, maybe that;'s why. But i remember with his original diagnosis he could have lived, with alot of surgery. And I remember spending an entire weekend telling DH i would divorce him and devote my life to looking after our sick baby (he disagreed) After 3 days of researching and thinking I reaslied it was nonsense, couldn't put myself and DD (and DH) through it so decided to terminate. We then got the final diagnosis which was that the condition was fatal anyway. SO i wonder if that is why i have no guilt.

I ahve guilt for the last baby. he was perfect and my body let him down. If it was an infection then it' my own stupid fault - i knew I had a UTI but ignored it.

Anyway I will post here alittle, if that's OK. There are too many possible places for me now - assisted conception, donor egg conception, termination for abnormlites, second trimester miscarriage. Is there any aspect of failing to have ababy I haven't managed to cover? If not I'm sure I can cover it next pregnancy...

Hello All

Just thought I'd drop by for the first time in ages to say congrats to Coffee! Hurrah!

To be honest, I don't really read the thread much these days. In the beginning, I used to find it SUCH a help, but now I find that they reopen old wounds and nasty memories resurface. I really hope you don't mind. The new ladies all seem to be taking such wonderful care of each other, and (personally) I feel that you're able to console someone better, if they're in a similar situation to yourself, which, thankfully, 15 months down the line, I am not.

When I read your horribly sad stories, it brings back so many horrible memories of my own.

Mentally, I'm in a much better place. However on the TTC front, I am not. Captain Condom is still living up to his name, and is refusing to try again. So, who knows what'll happen there. I'm beginning to try and make peace with the fact that we can be happy with a family of 3, and that I need to be grateful for what I DO have rather than bemoan what I don't.

Wishing you all much love and happiness in these difficult times.

BK xx

MMT, after street dancing came the bootcamp? well done! I am saddened to see you go, but totally understand why you feel like you have to. Good luck with whatever you decide about ttc, I really hope it goes well either way. It would be lovely to have you pop in every now and then, but no need to do so unless you feel like it.

Bezzyk, thank you for the congratulations. To be honest, I am afraid to accept them, but it?s nice to receive them. Sorry to hear about Captain Condom, but glad that you are in a much better place all in all. Same as for MMT, I hope that you will remain in this good place whatever you decide.

Peanut, I also feel I?ve become superstitious. I think that not having any superstition is a luxury reserved for those whom life didn?t kick. It?s easy to shrug off irrational thoughts and fears when all is well. It?s so strange we all seem to remember the clothes we were wearing when having the awful scans? When coming back from the hospital I wanted to throw away the jumper and trousers I had worn, but somehow I didn?t get round to doing it. Now I?m glad I didn?t, because I look at them and realise they covered my bump and my baby was just a few centimetres away, but I completely understand why you can also look at them as bearers of bad luck. I am not sure I?d be able to wear them in another pregnancy, for the same reason: they are not lucky. Stupid or not, this is how I feel and I?m not going to beat myself over it just because it?s an irrational thought.

Regarding guilt: when we were still waiting for the pm results, I was so afraid they would tell me Silvia?s problems were caused by an infection. Somehow I was thinking this would be my fault, a failure of my body, as you say. But it is not like that. Our bodies seem to be, very often, so separate from us, and subject to the same randomness as everything around. I would be the same, though, and I know I would blame myself. But it?s important to write about it in here and let it all out, and I hope that after a bit more time passes you will be more gentle with yourself and let go of this guilt. You are not guilty, you are just someone who has been through an awful lot and had so much to deal with at the same time.

I?ve written a novel so I?d better stop, but not before saying hello to Drama as well. I?m keeping my fingers crossed for you, don?t lose heart!

Hi everyone
I'm sorry I haven't been able to post again for ages - I find my brain is just not working properly and I try to keep track of everyone's story and find I can't and then think I'll just wait until I can remember what I want to say to everyone and forget again.
I do know I wanted to say huge, huge congratulations to Coffee - what amazing and lovely news and I so hope you are able to have as peaceful and uneventful a pregnancy as is possible.
I hope everyone else is doing as well as they can. I find I do keep thinking of Peanut and hoping she is well.
I'm getting better I think - the internal and external infections are clearing up seemingly and the internal pain seems to be lessening. The GP told me I couldn't expect to be close to being back to normal just yet she said to wait for 3-4 months and not to get frustrated in the meantime. Easier said than done when it hurts to sit or lie down tbh!
I'm also getting more and more tense as this Thursday is our follow up aapointment with our consultant at the hospital. I realise that I so want it to be over and for him only to be able to tell us the impossible - that this won't happen again.
I also realise that when we tried to conceive Adam we both really wanted a second child and a sibling for our daughter and that even with Adam gone that longing has not and that I so hope in time we can try for another child. It justs seems like a very distant idea though at the moment and DH isn't sure he would ever want to try again (totally understandably). I just occasionally get the spectre of only having one surviving child as the final picture of our family and I can't quite bear to look at it because it is so painful.
Anyway, you can tell my head's not working as this is complete gibberish - you'd never guess I used to be employed to write clear, concise legal argument would you?!
thinking of you all x

Just quickly...
Lisbeth, good to hear from you and glad things seem to be sorting themselves out. It sure has been an ordeal for you. All the best for Thursday and beyond xxx

Lovely to hear from the beautiful Bezz, and glad things are good with you xx

Must go. Love to all xxx

Lisbeth, glad you are feeling better. I know exactly what you mean about being a family of 3 - it's unbearable. I find myself looking at other familes constantly and working out the age gap and also looking at singleton familes and thinking there is something missing. I was a singleton until I was 8 and tbh it was fine but better once my siblings came and I was quite a solitary soul. And still am. I wish i could have some of Bezzy's acceptance. After what I've been through you would think I would esp as even to get me pg is so difficult and unnatural but I can't let go of the thought of having more. ANd I am a SAHM as we planned to have 3 very quickly and so feel a bit redundant. Good luck for thurs, hi to everyone else. I do the same re thinking of people and things I want to say and not getting time to post and then forgetting it all.

Peanut i know what you mean about looking at familys and trying to figure out age gaps i do that too, George my DS1 has just turned 4 last week and i'm desperate not to have too big a gap as i myself am 1 of 4 and there's 2,6 and 7 yrs between me and my siblings respectively, i'm so desperate to give george a playmate because i look back at my childhood and all the fun we used to have together i just want him to have that too.
Mmet- I'm glad your looking forward and feeling positive you sound calm and in a much better place and i'm so happy you found this thread a useful outlet, oh and i'd like to know where you get your energy from! street dancing, bootcamp! the only way you would get me up that hill is if you had someone waving a mars bar at me at the top! but i wish you all the best and hope you pop back to say hello one day xxx.
Bezzy- pmsl @ captain condom that's just ingenious!!!
Coffee- Thank-you for boosting me on i know i will get pg at some point i think because we conceived Liam 1st time round it's made me impatient and unrealistic in my expectations so i've given myself a stern talking to and have vowed to just enjoy myself-no pressure- i think thats the key i keep mixing up my dates anyway and keeping track of it all just stresses me out!, anyway how far along are you? i meant to ask earlier but forgot. I think i'm pre-menstral to be honest i feel bloated am having the same strange cramps i had last month (ie: it feels as though there's actual movement in there,it's most perculiar) so i'm convinced i'll be getting another visit from the AF fairy this month, but onwards and upwards as they say! XxDMxX

Peanut - I know exactly what you mean. I'm a SAHM too and feel like I'm sort of not keeping up my end of the deal whilst DH works out of the house by only have one child at home - slightly redundant (tho DD is 2.9 and so quite hard work)
The idea of DD not having someone to play with like Drama says is just sort of unthinkable to me as I had and have a really good relationship with my two brothers. Unfortunately DH seems reasonably able to think of DD not having a surviving sibling - he says we wanted 2, we've had 2 just one didn't survive.

Lisbeth- i'll bet your DH is just scared after the loss you've had and in time will feel ready for another...and if not point out that if you had fallen pg after having 2 would he not have wanted it?, My DP said something similar to me and i pointed that out...that and the fact that i'm 25 and the consultant (even though he prob shouldn't have) said he would eat his hat if there was anything wrong with our next pg (and believe me if there is i'm holding him to it!) A
nd if you think 2.9 makes u feel redundant my DS is now 4! (gosh i must have blinked) and is at nursery half a day 5 days a week and starts school in Jan! i feel i have outlived the SAHM title completely! i have discussed this with DP and were in agreement that if i don't fall pg by August i'm enrolling back at college to become a massage therapist (something i've always wanted to do but just never had the time) i did Performing arts the 1st time round i went to college (hence my MN name) and am unbelievably qualified in the field....trouble is qualified to do what??? prance about dressed as the backside of a cow maybe? they should put that in the course outline.
Anywho knowing my luck i'll start my course then get pg that sounds like just my luck! lol. XxDMxX

Lovely Bezzy - wonderful to hear your voice after such a time.

Like you, I am very rarely on this thread now and I agree that women who do congregate here are doing such a fantastic job of supporting each other through the bitter blow of pregnancy loss. The thread is moving on, the community changing. It's just so sad that it continues to grow in number. But thank goodness it's here.

At the risk of sounding like an old git, 'we' did well, you know. Hand held and mopped tears and made cake. Thank goodness and cheers for you and Justa and Tree and Lins and Can't and Eulalia and Mishta and so many others, but particularly Bee.

In my not so distant past, I went through all those feelings that you talk about and I feel that I know the place you're currently in well. The important thing with the good Captain is just to keep talking. He may or may not change his mind, but as long as you both stay on the same page, you'll find a way of making whatever the future has in store for you, just right for you.

Enough long-winded philosophising from me! Don't forget - only a short train ride away! Take care BezzyK. (and best to everyone else, of course.)

I have not wished you a gentle congratulations on the news dear Coffee - although I know you know I have in another medium - so am saying it here. Just deal with each day; let yourself be how you need to be.
Bezz, my lovely Bezz, so lovely to see you here. Hugs to you and a pin prick to the Captain and his condom.
Shangrila; boy your journey has been so very long hasn't it? Well done to you- peace at last. You give everyone hope.
Love to you all; you are doing such a wonderful job of sustaining our little community.
with love
Bee xxx

hello again (can't get rid of me now)

PH and Lisbeth I don't think I'll ever accept having one child either, and I'm sure one day I'll bang on to DH that it's time to try again, thus putting our marriage under more pressure. I am VERY much aware of the age gap between minibez and any other potential sibling (she was 3 in March) and yes, I too try and work out the age gap between kids, even found myself trying to work out the gap between Charlie and Lola the other day and the constant question of 'when are you having another one' makes me want to scream everything that I've been through. My hairdresser once asked me when I was having another, and I said the usual of 'oooh I don't know' and her response was 'it's cruel to only have one' Like, thanks for reminding me you naive cow. In her defence though, who would have thought number 2 would have been so difficult, surely if you're going to have an issue it would be with the first one???

Oh, and I can't take the credit for Captain Condom's name, it was the ingenious Busierbee, who also created a whole persona for this newfound superhero.

SO lovely to hear from you Shangrila, I often wonder how you're doing with your new little man. I also often wonder how you found the strength to carry on after all of the setbacks you encountered. Do you fancy meeting? CAT me if you'd like to, I'm happy to grab my passport and drive across the bridge!

Much love to all xx

Hello,

I'm calling by to offer my heartfelt congratulations to Coffee. I hope you're feeling as well and as positive as can be.

Lovely to all else. Its lovely to see some new to me, but older posters. Thank you for your continued support and making this space such a comforting one.

I'm a week into down regging for this fresh cycle and despite it being very emotional it seems to be going to plan.

Allways, thank you for the congratulations. I am physically well, yes, but still in denial ? but I guess it?s better to be in denial than really anxious. Anxiety will come soon, I am sure.

I was actually wondering how you were and just wanted to say that I am hoping and praying the IVF is successful quickly and it all goes well. You have been through so much and more than deserve lots of luck coming your way. Sending you much love and a big hug xxxx

Lisbeth, I hope the appointment today will be reassuring. Hello to everyone else ? unfortunately not much time to post these days.

Yes, Lisbeth. Thinking of you today.

A x

It wasn't a good meeting with the consultant today. He explained that Adam had a rare form of Downs that indicates that either DH or I may carry some genetic quirk. If either of us does have the quirk it will mean that the chance of any future child having Downs goes up from 1:100 to something like 1:4 or 1:2. We've had the blood tests done and should get an appointment with a genetics specialist sometime in the next 4-6 weeks. The other horrible thing is if we do have this quirk then our DD might do too and then she might have the same increased risk of any child of hers having Downs. The idea of either of us, although particularly me, having passed something on to her that would do something bad to her is incredibly upsetting. It also probably means we wouldn't try again and I'd have to face head on the prospect of it being us 3 although when I look at my darling daughter who is the best of everything I could ever have wished for I wonder what on earth I am thinking byu being upset at not having more.
I am also just hoping that no one else thinks I/DH is defective and a bit crap really. I'm not sure what to think really. It is possible that it was just a quirk with Adam but today's consultant said it was likely that it was not. Oh shit really

oh lisbeth, how completely distressing for you.

However, if it does turn out that your dd does carry this rare gene, remember, that major developments are still going on in the fetal medicine field, so odds are, she'd be able to have happy healthy children via PGD, which I'm sure will be far more readily available by the time she's thinking of a family.

Try and think of knowledge as a good thing, as it gives you something to work with.

Sorry, I know it's not much help at the moment though, when things are crashing around you.

Much love

BK x

Lisbeth, so sorry to hear that. And to add to what Bezzy said, that maybe PGD is something you might be able to have too - although I don't know much about it and don't know if it's applicable in all genetic cases. And that kind of invasive treatment isn't for everyone - I'm so far down the assisted conception route that it all seems normal to me.

But hugs to you and your DH tonight, not nice news for you.

Hello loverley ladies, just a quick one to say i just got a BFP on a first response tonight (couldn't resist) and am now bricking it thinking i've pushed my luck too soon. Anyway just thought i'd share my news before i head off to bed,
night night all XxXxxXXx

Bezzy - the age gap between Charlie and Lola is 3 years. How do I know? Because everytime I watch the damn thing I think about it and as it's one of DDs favourites I've had many an opportunity to work it out - we've comnpletely lost it....but did make me laugh out loud to realise I'm not the only loon.

I suppose at least you have age on your side, and ease of conception so there is still time for CC to come round to your way of thinking. You seem very good about it - I would be raging. And as Bee suggested making pin pricks in those condoms!

One of my difficulties Is I realised that if I emote too much to DH he'll put his foot down re more treatment as he'll say it's too emotionally draining so I have to keep a lid on it with him. At my age - nearly 42 - any delay would be too long. I often wonder if our marriage will survive this latest upset. But we discussed things today and he has agreed we should have more treatment. He says we will have another baby some time but is unwilling to go through the whole emotional rollercoaster - or morning sickness. Hmmmmmmmm. I think I can slowly persuade him by CHristmas that we can go again. But the thought of being pg still fills me with terror so am nowhere near ready myself. Plus we haven't even seen the consultant yet who may well say i should never get pg again.

I would have told my hairdresser exactly what's what. My policy has been whenever anyone asks if we plan any more to tell them about Ben. They asked after all and maybe it'll save someone else being asked. But then you have to be in the right mental space to be able to do that without getting upset yourself. And also I suspect it's my bitter misanthropic side coming out.

Anyway love to all, esp lurkers....

Lisbeth, I am so sorry, what horrible news for you!

It was PGD I wanted to write about - I don't know much about it, but it does seem to offer hope to some women, and as Bezzy said it is in its infancy, so I am sure by the time your dd will want to have children there will be more solutions. Which doesn't help now, I know. What I would suggest (although you might have already done it) is to contact ARC, they are very experienced and I am sure they will be able to offer more advice. My heart goes out to you xxxx

Bezzy, about your hairdresser: I just can't believe people can be quite so thoughtless. I agree with Peanut, but have to say I couldn't get myself to mention Silvia when people have asked me, since February, if I'm not thinking about starting a family. I was on the verge of saying something sarcastic, then realised I would have probably started crying.

Much love to you all xxxx

OOh congrats, Dramamama, think I must have cross posted with you. SO many BFPs there's noone but me left on this thread now!

and me PH!

Yes, congrats from me as well Drama. I really hope it's an uneventful 9 months for you.

Hope everyone has a lovely weekend x