Antenatal support thread for women who have chosen to terminate VI

[Coffeeandchocolate]

Time for a new thread, ladies. May it continue to give us comfort, and help us find a special, sunny place in our hearts, where our babies are safely tucked in. May it bring good luck to everyone who posts or justs reads.

And to the old-timers, it?s so lovely to still have you here with us, reaching out.

Hi ladies xx

kat the trip to france sounds just right! A bit of away time for you both will be lovely. I laughed about the flow chart. I think we're quite similar - i like to have things straight in my head about what/when and where and thats why i find this will i/wont i get preg. this month/next month/next YEAR i find so hard to take. Thats great that your OH is an optomist. Mine is too, and its infectious How are you feeling about your health now? Are you still worried about infection?

mrsbigz - Hope you're having a good day at work. I'm totaly addicted to that site now! Nothing much to report on there - temps. are fairly non eventful and no positives on the sticks yet - but darn it i'm loving adding all the boring data every day, lol.

manitz, cherry, cinnamon, flower, bluecat and everyone else - where's the sun gone???

I had a call from my midwife today - i'd had an appointment booked with her apparently, and she had wondered where i was. No one at the hos. had told her about my termination. She said she only had one line of info about me on her records from that day. She was shocked and very upset that she hadnt been able to offer any support as she hadnt known. . She was lovely on the phone. But it upset me. How i wish i was still pregnant and happy and going to that apt.

Also i seem to be bleeding again ...... sigh. Not heavy, just enough to need a little pant liner. But whyyyyyyy is this? Did LOADS of climbing about up and down a massive vally and waterfall yesterday before we left Wales. Would that have bought it on???

Any experience of on/off bleeding at 2 weeks after, anyone? It wouldn't be a small weird period would it????

Hey misty, I was on and off 'till 2 weeks, then a few scrappy bits that appeared inconveniently in the 3rd week, usually when unprepared, grrrrr....... Don't worry, Auntie Flo, (hey mrsbigz? Brilliant!), will be along in a couple of weeks; seems like forever when you are waiting though, I know!

Not much to report here, DH's first day off when all the kids have been back at school/ nursery. Massive wobble; brand newborn being handed around reception at DS's nursery, looked just like DS when he was new. DH had come to nursery with me, so at least I had a shoulder to wobble on. God, this is still so very hard! Hope they aren't there at pick up time too.....will find out in 15 minutes!! Wish me luck......

Speaking of which, best be off or little man will be the last child there, oops! Sorry no personals, must do better, C- for Cinnamondog.........

Hugs all xxxxx

Misty, I have always found that exertion makes any sort of bleeding heavier whether it be post natal or just an ordinary period. It could also be a light period as I wouldn't be surprised if they were a bit unusual the first time you get one. Add it to your chart but see someone if you're concerned.

That's both nice and upsetting about your midwife. My last midwife would have been like that too but this time I never saw the same person twice so I doubt anyone will notice (sniff).

I've calmed down about infections, thanks, I've been doing my temperature and it's normal. Glad you approve of my geekdom. Just because you can't control things doesn't stop you recording them in great detail! I've been reading about ttc and think we'd better give it 6 weeks to allow proper healing and hopefully one period to happen, but then I think we'll probably just go for it as it could take months or even a year. God I hope not though. Maybe now is the time to try to be a bit more optimistic? Nah, it's just not me.

You're right kat about the midwife - that was nice of her. If i ever get pg. again i hope its her i see. So ..... you're going to wait the 6 six weeks ay??

cinnamon - i feel for you there. We dont wish bad things on anyone - but its awful having our noses rubbed in it like that with out warning. i hope things were easier when you went to collect xxx Thank you for sharing your on/off bleeding experience. Im sure its normal then. It's realy got me down for some reason tho. These few days would (in a normal cycle) be my fertile time i think, and i just feel very crestfallen tonight.

I'm tired i think. We had a 5 hour drive home yesterday, and then my OH's wisdom tooth pain kicked in with avengance - and he (we) spent the night awake and stressing over how many painkillers you can take b4 doing yourself real harm! sigh He's got antibiotics now, bless him.

Hopefully he and me will be better tomorrow .....

misty I had bleeding 2 weeks after my termination, and period type pains, I ended up going to the doctor cause I was worried and too early for AF she said it was my womb settling done and hormones readjusting and was nothing to worry about.

Thank you flower. Hormones readjusting sounds good to me.

I just remembered - in my quest to see just how long it takes for a pg.test to read neg. ... (or my quest to torture myself as much as possible, what ever you want to call it) i did another test last night and it was the faintest of faint positive. So thats interesting. And so cheery!

Aaaaaaaaaargh - i should just go to bed.

hi everyone
just caught up with the thread. Misty sorry to hear about the midwife, lack of communication there. Hope you have a better day tomorrow.

Hi Kat you sound like me, im always negative and think of all the things that can go wrong, my Dh is forever the optimist, believing every month that i'll get prgnant and that everything will be ok with our next baby. He said to me the other day that i will be hell when i get pregnant again he meant it in a nice way, that i worry too much, then he worries about me worrying.

I spent last night googling clomoid and fertility treatment costs at our local hospital . I'm convinced there is something wrong, and im not ovulating properly, seriously thinking about going to doc if it doesnt work this time, though half expect her just to say dont worry and relax which is all very well but.......

Misty sorry to hear you've been bleeding. i understand how it can get you down/worry you. i've thankfully not (yet) had any since my bleeding stopped, but as a serial 'spotter' in normal cycles i'm half expecting it every day! i've also just gone past my 'usual' fertile phase in my cycle and despite peeing frantically on little sticks each day.....nada. i'm sure it's because of what my body has gone through in the past month, add onto that the stress of it all and i'll be very surprised if i were to ovulate at all this month. but i also hate not knowing when to expect auntie flo (LOL Cinnamon) and being taken by surprise / unprepared. can't wait for her to arrive and my cycles to start again.
Bit crap that no one had told your MW about your situation!!! but i'm glad that she was so nice about everything and hope that next time you DO have her looking after you (there WILL be a next time!)
I had a sort of similar experience last year - when i had my m/c i had to ring the hospital and cancel my 12 week scan, and the stupid man who answered asked me why I was cancelling.......well DUH - why do you think?!!!

Kat - I think everyone on here with recent losses has started off very sensibly saying they will wait until they get their first auntie flo, but i'm pretty sure most of us have already started - there's just that inate need to DO something, to try and of course the worry that it might take a little longer....i think we're all singing from the same page on that one! I think your France holiday sounds lovely!! We too have just booked a week away (not in France I might add - Devon!) in June. we were not going to have a week (when i was pregnant) as my ds2 was born very prematurely, and we didn't want to be too far away in case the same thing happened again. but now we are looking forward to a week away too. We even have the grandparents coming down for a couple of nights so hopefully DH and i can have a night out together (unheard of!!!). BTW i LOVE the sound of your flowchart!! - I too am a complete geek when it comes to forward planning - I love lists, charts, anything that gives me some control over how my future is panning out!
Cinnamon i'm sorry to hear about your wobble at nursery today. it's one of those things that you 'know' you're going to have to face at some point - but too it would be nice to have some advance warning so that you can mentally prepare yourself. glad DH was there with you (and hope you got back in time to pick your DS up!

hello to everyone else!!!!

Not much to report from me. In typical 'weird' fashion, after last night DH and i having a chat about whether we want to go to the hospital service for Eve, or just find out where she'll be buried so we can pay our own respects - this evening when i got home from work there was a letter from the hospital with the date of the service, and asking for us to let them know what we want to do. Arrgh. DH and I aren't particularly religious and weren't going to go down the private funeral route. i think it would have been slightly different if she were born at a much later gestation, as it is her birth isn't officially registered. BUT i can't bear the thought of them reading her name out in the church and not having either one of us there to acknowledge her. So i 'think' that we will go. it's strange though, the service is at 7pm on the 19th May. but then they bury her "after 9:30" the following morning. there was no mention in the letter of us being there for that. i will maybe give the bereavement nurse a call tomorrow just to clarify what happens.
Work's going ok. just bucket loads of information to get my head around (and if i'm completely honest my head isn't all there at the moment). although work is a great distraction for me, i can tell that i'm not firing on all cylinders! hopefully my new boss will just put it down to me having started a new job and having lots to take in!
and i'm also thinking a lot about ttc. trying not to get too obessive about it, but it's on my mind a LOT. I have a good friend coming over on Sunday, our first 2 kids are the same age and her 3rd (a little girl) was born at the beginning of March. I have seen her once (just before I had my amnio) and although i'm looking forward to seeing her, i'm dreading being all emotional when i see her baby girl.

anyway, that's about it from me for now. sorry - didn't mean to write such an essay?!
speak soon xx

Completely understand what you're thinking there mrsbigz, when you say about reading the name out in church. Yes - call the bereavement nurse to check up on that. I think youre doing amazingly well to be takling a new position at work - and i'm sure your boss will be putting any wooly thinking down to the new role. Lovely to be seeing your friend on Sunday - i'm sure she will be sensitive to how your feeling right now - be emotional if you need to tho', if i've learned anything through all this its that it's better to let it all out than bottle feelings up. I've found they just explode, at double the intensity, at inconvienient moments if you do that!

Cinnamon, hope it was ok at pick up time.

mrsbigz, that's all so difficult about the funeral. I don't think I can comment as I have just totally opted out of that but I know what you mean about reading her name out and you not being there. The alternative to going is to phone and request that her name not be read out, but you might (sensibly) see that as disrespectful too.

misty, hope you're feeling happier about the bleeding (a strange thing to say, but you know what I mean hopefully.) And please don't torture yourself with pg tests.

And yes! I am determined to wait six weeks (although I'm already lurking on the ttc thread). I don't want to wait instinctively, but I have this fear after my vague research into the area that I would hate to get pregnant and then mc because my uterus wasn't ready for another implantation. This might be total nonsense but it makes sense to me to give it a good chance for recovery. Also, I want to get a bit healthier and improve my diet. So, we'll see. I've already marked the six week date in my diary and warned my husband...

The flow chart is currently expanding by my researching costs of private procedures and adding them to it. E.g. We were told we could only have a NHS cardiac scan at 18 weeks whereas I've found the Fetal Medical Centre in London offer them from 13 weeks so that may be something we'd pay for if it would spare us a five week wait. I also think we'd pay for a viability scan early on if it would save us disappointment at 12 weeks. I really am jumping ahead here but I can't seem to help it. At least you've all said it's a common behaviour.

Flower, I've already looked at costs for infertility treatment but they are completely out of our league so they just upset me. I suppose if it came to it we could beg and borrow but I do hate the thought of that. I hope neither of us needs to go down that route.

Anyway, hope you all have a good day.

Misty, I've just had a phone call from a community midwife asking why I wasn't at my appointment today. I burst into tears, told her what had happened and she couldn't put the phone down fast enough. You would think they would be a bit better and handling such events. She just said she'd complain to her manager that she'd not been told. Like I care.

Also, major wobble when two bouquets of flowers came, one from all my neighbours as I sent a note round last night and another from a friend. I do appreciate the thought but I can see why people put 'no flowers' on death notices. It's a constant reminder.

However, I am looking at holiday dates so not all bad.

i am a bit thick , what r all the codes meen, the dh etc etc ttc etc etc, and ive not been on for couple weeks , whats all this about a thread ???

Oh kat,

Yes you would think a comunity midwife would be better at handling that situation. You poor thing xx. I came off the phone to mine upset but not angry - as she had been so caring. Make a note of who that was and maybe avoid her when you're pregnant again?

I probably will stop torturing myself now with the pg. tests. There was a method in my madness .... you see i know if this next/first period is late (i bet it will be) and we'd been trying (which we have) i'm bound to do a pg test on day 29 and am terrified of getting a positive which was left over from my last pg and getting all excited - only to find out i wasnt pg at all that would be unbarable. Breeeeeeeath! lol. No punctuation! Now that last one was so very faint, after 2 weeks, i know any future strong pos. ones will be 'real' .......

Bet you wish you hadnt mentioned it now!

The subject of flowers is one i've been thinking about as well. We were recieving flowers on and off for the first 13/14 days. One lot would die and more would arrive from someone else. Like you, i think they're lovely - but the only ones i realy like looking at are the ones my OH have bought me. The rest just keep reminding me .......

AND - news flash - no bleeding today. None. Not a drip! Started the day all down - thinking the blleding would get heavier or something, but no. I'm much happier consequently. Back to plan A .... hoping for an ovulation
xxx

gillian, hi, if you have a look at the top of this page, under where it says Mumsnet Talk in black, there will be a list of blue links - click on 'ACRONYMS' and it will tell you all the codes

Kat that's unbelieveable about the MW - not that she hadn't been updated on your situation (as unfortunately that's all too common in our healthcare system!) BUT in the way that she handled it when she found out. Grrrr. Like Misty i think that when you are pregnant again you should make a mental note to avoid her at all costs!!!

Misty yayayayay for no bleeding today!!! amazing how little things like that can make me smile, am really pleased that you're feeling a little more positive.

Gillian hi, welcome back - i remember you from previous threads. hope you're doing ok. hope you found the acronyms that Misty pointed you towards and things make a little more sense now. As for the thread....well, been and gone i'm pleased to say!

to everyone else. not a bad day really. have decided we WILL go to the funeral for Eve. i think i would regret it if i didn't. work is still going ok - I'm managing to take 'some' of the new role in i think - though today had 2 back to back meetings and came out feeling more than confused! oh well, it will fall into place soon.

speak later xxx

Misty Hurrah for no more bleeding, fingers crossed for your return to plan A. I understand completely about the pregnancy test torture now. I'll not be bothering with that now though as you've done it for the group!

I'm embracing the flowers, I've even brought a jug of yellow tulips into the bedroom, I've always found tulips to be very cheery so I'm trying to see them as such even now.

MrsBigz Glad it was an ok day and that you've decided what to do about the funeral.

I've got over my midwife rage now. I know the one it is and she doesn't inspire confidence at the best of times. When I am pregnant I'll shun her. I'm sure that'll teach her...

And hi to Gillian

well would you believe it! having given misty a chorus of "yay's" for her bleeding having stopped, it would appear you have just passed it onto me!!?! (only kidding!).

not sure if it is the start of auntie flo (if it is it would be the first time EVER that i've had a 28 day cycle??) or if it is just a bit of random spotting. in retrospect it would explain my irritability over the weekend just gone though.
will see what tomorrow brings.....

and kat glad you are over the midwife rage and enjoying your flowers xxx

morning ladies xx

mrsbigz, i hope it is Auntie! I think i read somewhere that some ladies cycles change a bit after a termination - if yours were irregular or long before ... maybe they've changed to 28 days bang on? Dont know if its true, but fingers are crossed for you xx

kat - glad the midwife thing didnt rock your boat for too long - you sound so much stronger mentaly already. Thats realy good And yeah .... i've done it for the team! The pg. test thing i mean .......

everyone else - how are you all? Me and kat and mrsbigz have been rabbiting away here ..... lol ..... have you all gone somewhere where they're giving away free chocolate and havn't told us ???

Morning to you all.

Hope it's what you want mrsbigz. I'd be delighted with a 28 day cycle. Mine's been at 44 days for years and it's such a long time to wait when you're ttc. And old.

I do feel a bit stronger mentally, misty but still not really up to talking to real people. I struggled to make a routine GP app for my husband earlier because the receptionist was being a bit difficult and I wanted to screech at her 'Do you know what I've just been through?! Cooperate ffs!!' But I didn't of course.

I hope my ramblings haven't driven people away. Maybe people post here for a bit then graduate to the ttc thread quite quickly?

Coffee time

kat i know what you mean about dealing with people. Trust me the normal you will reappear soon. I remember on week 2 suddenly finding my OH back at work properly, needing a good meal at the end of the day, kids at school/colledge expecting lunch and lifts and help with homework - the tesco shop needed doing ...... plumbers to organise. Everyone was being kind and loving - but life went on. While i was, and still am, fragile (tears at midwife thing for eg.) i find myself getting on with it. And yes! thinking - none of the people around me in tesco, receptionists on the phone ect know what i've been through so recently.

On the subject of the ttc thread - i've thought about shifting over there, and read the posts every few days. They're a great bunch over there - many of the ladies post here sometimes AND were a great support to me on my original thread 'terrible 12 week scan ect'. But ... i just dont feel i qualify somehow. I feel at home here - sad i know - but also i get a little desperate when i read about pregnancys, as genuinely happy i am for all the ladies with their lovely bumps. I just have this awful, awful dead sure feeling that i'll never conceive again. And i think if i'm on a thread for pregnancys and ttc i'll be the last one left when everyones got their babies and gone! How sad!

Oh god i am sorry about this dreadul self centered ramble! Wasnt expecting all this to come out. Amazing what comes out once you start isnt it? xxxx

Hello! I'm still here!

Finally realised that AF means Auntie Flo as well.....can't even blame it on baby brain!

Bit quiet as I had a bad Wednesday; lots of low self esteem on top of everything else. In a nutshell, have always been successful at work, lots of friends, active social life etc. In the last year have given up working part time doing something I loved and moved 100 miles away from family and friends to be with DH. Now have no social life as can't work, (youngest has ASD so childcare is a real issue, as is joining kids clubs etc.), and only see friends once every couple of months because with us all having kids them travelling to us/ us travelling to them becomes a logistical nightmare.DH only has his mum living in the UK and she lives 120 miles away, so babysitters are non existent. Have found it difficult to make friends as I go nowhere and see no one! There are days when the only people I speak to are DH and the kids, which I find really hard. My job is good, but one evening a week and hardly taxing. Oh, and I don't drive so during the day am pretty much confined to the house and surrounding environs.

Add to that the fact it was 5 weeks yesterday since losing little one, and that I had arranged a lovely day out for DS which ended quickly as he screamed and decided he wanted to go home from the second we got there, I just had enough. Realised that I had such high hopes from my pregnancy; not just having a much wanted baby, but also meeting other mums, having a purpose to my days, feeling like I am actually valid and not just a glorified house maid.....sorry, self pity is such a pathetic thing I know!

Feeling a bit better today, DH did a brilliant job cheering me up and making me realise that DS is doing so well because of the one on one care I give him, (it takes most people a while to realise he is ASD and he is a really happy, sociable, loving little man), that he goes to school in September giving me time to become 'me' again and that we will hopefully be pregnant again soon. It's just been a lot of things to deal with in such a short period of time.

Okay, am going to go now as this is an inrcedibly me-centric thread and I'm feeling a bit embarrassed! Hope everyone is good and I promise next post will be all about the personals and not all about the Cinnamon!

Hugs all xxxxx

misty I'm sorry, I think me saying that about everyone going to the ttc thread was actually horribly insensitive. There is no reason at all why people can't post on both and indeed many have done and do. I think because I am coping with this by constantly thinking about conceiving again I am guilty of making assumptions about other people. I go from thinking positive to thinking it will never happen for me and I must resign myself to it, but I'm squashing those thoughts until we have at least given it a go. That's really struck me about being the only one left, so perhaps it is better to not put yourself wholly in one category. After all the definite thing is we have all experienced great loss so this thread remains the most relevant. I hope you're not too sad and it was a brief wobble.

cinnamon hi, I really empathise with some of what you're saying. I too gave up a reasonably successful career to look after my daughter and because I so desperately wanted another baby. I more or less lost most of my work 'friends' as I didn't work in a very family friendly environment and I think I was perceived as having bowed out rather than fight the good fight. I was a bit miffed the other day when a work friend sent me something job related as if she were saying 'you'd better come back to work now you've proved you can't have another bairn'. I'm sure she didn't mean this but it hurt anyway. I have found that my self-esteem has really suffered as I am just seen as a stay at home mum and as you say, a glorified housemaid. Some days I find this all very satisfying and non-stressful compared to my previous career but other days it really gets me down. I could handle it when I was pregnant as there was a purpose to me being at home whereas now I just feel washed up (hence my desperation to get pregnant again). One thing that has helped me is to take on a voluntary role related to my old career one day a month. This makes me use my brain and gives me some responsibility. Could you do something similar?

What about joining some sort of social group one evening a month or something, just to get you out on your own? I was in a reading group for a while when we relocated to where we live now, the books were rubbish but it helped me meet some people! Do you live in the kind of area that has stuff going on like that?

Childcare is always a problem when you don't have family nearby. We so rarely go out together these days but it might be that as you say, as your little boy grows up he is easier to leave with a babysitter and you could get out a bit more again as a couple.

There, I've saved your embarrassment as that is all about me! (God, the sooner I can get back to normal the better. I'll stop posting every half an hour and do something useful like the laundry...)

Glad you're feeling better today anyway!

Back again!

Realy some days MN is a life saver. If i didnt get all this out of my system i know i'd be burdening my Oh with it, or some poor unsuspecting neighbour - so - Out With It Ladies! Lets indulge ourselves today in a bit of wallowing....

cinnamon i've messaged you because i didnt want to bang on about my ins and outs again here - but kat is right, i'm sure as your lad grows up you will find some babysitting sollutions. Im sure when you fall pg again everything will swing round again, and you will feel that sense of purpous again. You're obviously doing a fine job with your boy, and that is so so so important. You have no idea how many children i saw (in my work) whos parents took no interest in their development. Their own social lives came first. This is not just special needs children. So give yourself a big pat on the back .

kat - getting that laundry done?? lol. Me too! If theres one thing i've learnt in life tho' its this - everything changes, nothing remains the same. In a few months - come what may - we will all be in a different place mentaly, maybe even physicly and socialy. As you say - this time at home is stress free (sort of) and a special time, really. I couldnt face being at full time work at the mo. Especialy as it involved other peoples children and babies! Your work friend meant well i'm sure, but when you havnt been where we are - its hard to empathise. Also - you didnt upset me, its ok. The ttc thread fear has been there since 2 weeks ago. I was just voicing my inner worries xxxxx

Misty, I think I've indulged myself enough today! Still haven't done the washing as it got too late to hang it out and I am really not worrying over trivial stuff any more and an overflowing washbasket is definitely trivial.

I'm very glad I don't work at the moment other than freelance stuff here and there that I can do by email so I don't have to face anyone. I think work involving babies and young children would be doubly hard.

I've caught the ttc fear now too so at least there's two of us!

Interesting report in the British Journal of Psychiatry today saying that women who have suffered pregnancy loss are far more prone to depression and anxiety in subsequent pregnancies and are more at risk of post natal depression afterwards, even if the pregnancy goes well and the baby is fine. It goes on to say they should be given particular care and support both during and after the pregnancy to monitor their state of mind and hopefully prevent this. I know it's a bit stating the bleeding obvious but sometimes it's useful to have what you'd expect verified by research. I know if I get pregnant again I would be a total wreck all the way through or at least have to try very hard to remain uninvolved in the pregnancy as I'd be so sure it would go wrong at some point.

Kat ive recently read that article too( i work in mental heaalth) although it is obvoius it still really struck me. As much as i am desperate to be pregnant i do worry about how much i will worry when it happens and the emotional response to having another baby and what that will be like.

Misty im glad you shared your inner thoughts cause i competly relate to them. I feel i should have migrated to ttc after loosing Isabelle last august, and now been ttc for 6 months, but i feel more at home over here, and have ended up sticking with this thread.