Antenatal support thread for women who have chosen to terminate VI

[Coffeeandchocolate]

Time for a new thread, ladies. May it continue to give us comfort, and help us find a special, sunny place in our hearts, where our babies are safely tucked in. May it bring good luck to everyone who posts or justs reads.

And to the old-timers, it?s so lovely to still have you here with us, reaching out.

"The world may never notice if a snowdrop doesn't bloom,
Or even pause to wonder if the petals fall too soon,
But every life that ever forms, or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way for all eternity."

hey everyone, happy easter!

myangelava just wanted to say i'm thinking about you today xx

misty0 hope you're having a lovely time away in Wales!! no worries about the mrsbogz thing - actually found it quite amusing!!!

Cinnamon yay for your period (never thought i would find myself saying that!!?!) - hope that your ttc can get truly underway now and the announcements start coming in thick and fast!!

bluecat hope you too are having a nice time away - enjoy the sunshine!

flower - wierd cycle? at least it was 'over' quicker and you can start again this month. i'm usually a 32-35 day kinda girl too...i find it terribly annoying!!

to kittens, cherry and everyone else i've missed (sorry)

well, i've had a strange few days. friday and yesterday i was SO irritable, which is unlike me, and also found myself welling up at odd moments. the only thing i can liken it to is pmt, so i'm wondering whether aunt flo will be visiting me in the near future?? would be good obviously so that we can start ttc properly, but also would explain (to some extent) my random mood swings. i even left my mums earlier yesterday (mid afternoon instead of early evening) as i was so 'unstable' moodwise. i did seem better when i got home though, and today i've been making myself count to ten before i respond to anyone!!!

other than that am doing okay. eyeing up the boys easter eggs (as the only one i got had traces of pistachio, and i'm allergic - doh!!)

off out to a kids birthday party this afternoon with dh and the boys (hopefully they'll be some adult drinks there along with the kiddy stuff!)

speak to you all soon and have a lovely day xxxxxxxxxx

me again!

myangelava don't know how i missed your post but i just wanted to say that it is a beautiful poem. i remember you mentioned showdrops in a previous post xxxxxxxxxxxx

the 'room' at the hospital where Eve was born was called the snowdrop room, so very emotive for me too!!!

Hello all, Happy Easter!

myangelAva, big hugs for today lovely, such a beautiful poem and have said a little prayer for your family and Ava today, (even though I don't usually. God will be thinking, 'who the hell is that?!?). Hope you get through the day with smiles and love, and if you happen to fall over and eat all the Easter eggs in the house...well, good for you!

misty and bluecat, hope you have a smashing time away, nice and relaxing, and that the thin walls don't cramp your style too much, hee hee! Easter is a time of fertility so maybe one of us will get lucky......

flower and mrsbigz, when I actually did my sums I was only 3 days over, and given everything my body has been through recently, I guess that's only to be expected. No, (well, very little), cramps but goodness me! There's a lot of it! I'm taking that as a very good sign, though OH is freaked out a bit, (he worried it meant there was something wrong, bless him! Had to explain the mechanics of ladies, another SA thing apparently. They didn't get told anything about what goes on at school, it wasn't talked about, and since then he's not really wanted to know, until now. Now he knows about ovulation, lutenising hormones, everything! I feel like Dr Robert Winston or something). (Without the moustache). (Ish.....).

Love the phrase Auntie Flo. Will be using that myself from now on!

kittens, cherry, cremegg (appropriate name for today!) and knitter, big Easter bunny hugs to you all. And to everyone else too!

Best go and rescue lunch; OH was in charge but his mum's on the 'phone so have lost him for the immediate future! xxxxxx

Hi everyone, hope you're all well.

God, it's hard isn't it? I know it's only day two but I was ok yesterday whereas today I'm a mess. I'm going to my parents for a few days, see if that helps.

I'm also struggling with milk production today, they gave me pills to stop it but I feel like I'm carrying around two boulders. Can anyone tell me how long that will take to go. It's horribly upsetting, just keeps reminding me.

Hi Kat,

Think that is a brilliant idea; sometimes it just does you good to be around mum and dad and to be looked after. Yesterday you were probably find you were running on auto pilot, it was day 3 that really knocked me for six as hormones/ realisation/ relief/ tiredness all caught up, so prepare yourself for a bit of wobbling and take lots of comfort and hugs to get you through.

It may seem at bit weird when you come onto this thread to see us all being quite relaxing and joking, but we were all exactly where you are right now at some point in the last few weeks and months. I hope that can give you some comfort; there was a time when I thought I could never get over what happened to my little one and when things just seemed too awful. Now I can smile and joke and talk about silly things, as well as talk about trying again. I never, ever forget my little girl in all that, but with the help I've received, and the support I've found here, I am finally moving on. I really hope you find the same peace xxxx

hey kat, been thinking about you. i'm sorry you've found today hard. i second what cinnamon said - it was a couple of days afterwards that the realisation of it all hit me and i crumbled BIG time. but you WILL get through it, and i think some time away at your parents could be an excellent tonic - plus will give you time to 'be on your own' too if that's needed.
i'm afraid i can't answer you about the milk supply......Eve was born at 17wks and luckily i didn't have that afterwards (though i can say in honestly i was dreading that i would). i'm sure one of the ladies on here will be able to advise you though.

cinnamon - yes i heard the phrase auntie flo on a charting website i use, and it tickled me!!! DH did think i had a mad relative though that was coming to stay - until i explained it to him LOL!!

xxxx

Hi Kat, I've just caught up with how things went for you. It sounded like you got through everything as well as can be expected, I'm really sorry that things were the worst case scenario.

Personally I felt I really couldn't cope with satisfying other people or helping others out - I was kind of using my energy to just get through. I didn't get the milk tablets but I think the milk dried up within two weeks. After it dried up I think I was still upset but the hormones ebbed away and it got less intense. I was post 24 weeks so I got maternity leave which I took. I felt thankful to my baby that I was able to spend so much more time with her sisters which helped me find a sort of silver lining. If I hadn't had mat leave I would have taken a couple of months off work. This time round as I was only 13 weeks I took 2 weeks sick and went back to work. I was in tears at work for the first week and I didn't feel like there was anything to be thankful for as I just wanted to cocoon myself with my family.

I hope you are able to sit back and let your mum look after you. I don't come here so often anymore as I am in a place for me where i tend to use the sister thread more. However I found it very helpful in the early days to find people who were at a similar stage to me as I (thankfully) didn't know anyone else who had been through it in rl. I am sure you will find support here.

take care xx

Hi cinnamon and mrsbigz, I'm more than happy to see laughing and joking. It wouldn't be healthy to be utterly morose all the time. I was expecting a crash so I'm hoping that today was the worst. I know there'll be ups and downs but hopefully the downs will get less frequent and shorter in duration.
Hi manitz and thanks. Two weeks until my extraordinary zeppelins subside!? They are utterly ludicrous and have their own gravitational field.
It's good at my parents, my sister and brother in law are here so I've had a good talk with them and feel better tonight.
Oh well, tomorrow's another day and hopefully a better one than today.

Hi everyone

I'm in Wales, and am supposed to be getting dressed and going down to breakfast but have read our thread and wanted to say hi to you all and especially to kat. And welcome.

Just wanted to tell you kat that you're doing fine. Its 2 weeks today for me, and they have been the longest 2 weeks of my life. Mostly ok, but some BIG downs. If you're ready for them - i think it helps??? Day three, for some reason, seemed grotty for most of us. I hit the bottom on day 5 tho'.

As other wise owls here have said - we do have a joke here, and its good. Personaly i've posted happy as Larry (who IS Larry?) in the morning - and been down, down, down by the evening on at least one occasion! But the beauty of it here is that you can do that/be like that, because youre not worrying about bringing others down. Thats my worry at home anyway. We're here for you ....

I feel i'm rambling now and OH is striding round the room naked (gorgeous - sigh) announcing we need to get a move on!! (i'm assuming he means going to breakfast? ha ha)

Have a good day ladies xxxxxxx

Hi everyone,

Hope you all had a good Easter Sunday. Chocolate and sunshine - can it get any better!

Just a quick post as we're away on hols (visiting my mum which is more like work than a hol but still...) to say hi and welcome to Kat. I saw your final post on your thread and was glad to read that things were straightforward physically, though of course sorry of the outcome for you and your family. Hope today is a better day for you. I would say that grief is fairly unpredictable. Sometimes you feel ok, philosophical and coping, other times the pain is intense and the loss overwhelms. It does get easier as time goes on. I'm 6 months down the line and most days feel able to think of my baby girl without feeling desperately sad. But I always miss her. Anyway I hope you have lots of RL support and it goes without saying the lovely ladies on here will have lots of support and empathy for you whenever you need it.

MyAngelAva - we read that poem at our baby girls funeral, it's very lovely. Start of a new week today - hope you feel an emotional shift after the tough week you had last week and can look forward.

Misty and Bluecat - hope you're enjoying your hols!

Flower - sorry to hear AF arrived but glad you can get trying again sooner than normal. Fingers crossed for this month.

MrsBigz, cremeegg, cinnamon, knitter - hello! at cinnamon as Robert winston.

Have a good Easter monday everyone!

Sorry for not posting 'properly' but it's hard on my phone in bed. I just want to share a hopefully stupid fear. I keep thinking I've got an infection in my uterus or somewhere and it'll make me infertile. The bleeding continues to be erratic but no clots or smell (blurgh) I have a normal temperature and my stomach is tender, but not actually painful as such. Am I just being paranoid? I know if I was really worried I could find an out of hours doctor but I just lie here fretting about it instead.

Day three sucks too though and I'm not good physically or mentally.

Kat I think it's unlikely from what you've described that you have an infection but of course if you are seriously worried it would be worth getting checked out. As you are feeling so vulnerable its not suprising that you would be worrying about things and the fear of subsequent infertility is something that certainly touched me afterwards. Physically, I was told that if I had large clots, had bad cramps and noticed a smell I should get checked out. Will you get a visit from your community midwife? I did, but I'm not sure if this is the norm. My community midwife was lovely and wanted to come round to make sure I was ok and offer support (as did my GP) and it gave me the chance to ask any questions. If you had a good relationship with your community midwife it may be worth contacting her to talk over any worries you have. Otherwise just keep an eye on your bleeding and go to see your GP if you are worried. I think from what you've said it's probably all ok but I know there are women on here who've had a course of antibiotics prescribed afterwards for various reasons.

You are in a dark place now and your hormones are all over the place. I would say dont expect too much of yourself, you must grieve and come to terms with your loss and the trauma you have been through. It is a process which takes time but it does get easier. Lots of love to you x

Hi kat,

Ditto what cherry said, I worried like crazy about infertility/ infections, especially when my first period was a few days later than my normal cycle. My tummy felt very tender for 4-5 days afterwards, bleeding was on and off, (it stopped after 2 weeks, but I would go 12-24 hours with nothing, then have some bleeding and clots). High temperature and smelliness are generally the signs of something going on. I know I was given 7 days antibiotics after my TOP, but that may have been because it was surgical.

If in doubt, or if you are worried, just give the out of hours a call. Seriously, you have enough to deal with and worrying isn't going to help you get through the dreaded day 3. I promise, it does get easier. Keeping hanging on in there, big hugs xxx

Thanks you two. I feel less alone and a bit more rational now, my mum said antibiotics were only standard after surgery and I've been taking my temperature and it's ok. I'm planning total bed rest until Friday on the basis that if I don't expect anything of myself then if I do manage the odd hour up and about it'll be a bonus.

I think part of it is you forget you feel like sh*t after a birth but normally you have a baby to take your mind of it all. Also, I've had so many drugs and hormones that there's bound to be a come down.
I am scared of not being fertile though and I'm desperate to start trying again as soon as is sensible. I've also been looking at the prices for fertility treatment and despairing, seeing as we are fairly skint with no family cash behind us. This is jumping five steps ahead yes?!

kat - were you trying ttc for long? If not, your minds racing and yes i think you are jumping a few steps ahead. But - i dont blame you. I've been the same. These 2 week have been like wadding through treacle in a bad dream - i just want time to pass, and be on my way again.

I was desperate for the bleeding to stop (and it did after a week), i was desperate to start trying again (so we did, once the bleeding stopped), i was desperate to be ovulating again (so i'm charting and peeing on sticks and WANT more than 15 days to look at on my chart), i'm desperate for my first period so i know i'm working normaly again (but thats ages away). Now i've been googling Clomid - in case i dont ovulate ........ God!

So ...... i know how your feeling, bless you. I've found the obsessive charting realy comforting actually! lol This is all new for me ....

Misty, I'll be exactly the same so I'll see you as a vision of a future me. For better or for worse!
With my daughter we tried for a year but after I started charting got pregnant on the third month. With this ill fated one I was far more aware of my cycle, didn't chart and got pregnant on the third month. So, there's no real reason why I should worry too much about the actually getting pregnant, but I will. I don't feel we can start trying until we know whether this baby had a chromosomal disorder as well as the heart defect as that changes the odds of recurrance for us. A chromosomal disorder is actually better in terms of future risk than a stand alone heart defect. We should get these results in a few weeks rather than having to wait three months for the rest of the pm results.

hey Kat, i'm sorry you're having all these additional worries on top of how you are feeling. i agree with the other ladies that it doesn't sound like an infection, but if it is causing you to stress, then get it checked out to be sure. thinking ahead (and worrying about) getting pregnant again i think is more than normal. like misty0 i'm peeing on sticks and willing my first period to arrive so that i know my cycles are 'back'. i'm not chartin as such this time around as like you i did it to conceive my ds2, so i've a better idea of how whacky they are now - but it still worries me that i'll not be able to fall pregnant again. i think the weeks bedrest sounds like a good idea. i did that to an extent (when the kids would let me!). if it helps, i gave birth to Eve and then bled quite heavily for about 12 days then it reduced to spotting for a few more. I also had a few cramps - like you i'd forgotten what you feel like when you've given birth (and the fact that you usually have a newborn to keep you busy and take your mind off the crap!).

misty0 i'm with you on the obsessiveness - although i'm not charting, i'm tempted to pick up my thermometer again just to give me something else to concentrate on!!!! i'm wishing the next couple of weeks away so that my darn period will arrive so that we can start trying again....sheeesh, i never wanted auntie flo so badly!?!!

cinnamon, cherry, and everyone else HELLO! sorry for lack of personals but am back to work tomorrow and have to make lunch, have shower etc etc.

speak to you soon xxxxxx

hi kat. It shouldn't be 2 weeks for you. I didn't have stopping milk pills, it just stopped naturally (also I can't really remember that aspect of it that well).

I think days 3-5 are the baby blue days after a live birth anyway so i reckon that's why they are so bad after a termination. I don't know if it helps but it did help me so i thought i'd mention it. i bought a persona (hadn't conceived 6 months after my 1st termination) but i bought a persona and conceived the first month of using it - its supposed to be contraception but i use it to conceive, it shows green days as days its safe to have sex and red for days you should avoid. I just swapped it round. It helped me feel in control.

Hi manitz, I really like the sound of the Persona but having read up on it it probably wouldn't be suitable for me as I have a 44 day cycle with ovulation on day 21 or thereabouts. I'll stick with my own method involving excel spreadsheets! It worked before so hopefully it'll work again. Thinking positive today.

I really hope you're right about these days being the worst. I remember day 4 after my daughter was born when I sobbed nearly all day and had all the 'what have I done? I can't keep this creature alive' thoughts. Today is day 4 and there has been no sobbing yet. At least I'm prepared.

i just remember feeling numb for a bit but I did do quite a lot of retail therapy and we like to go to festivals but hadn't bought tickets that year because was pg. immediately went out and got tickets and went there with a group of friends who were also trainee midwives, think i was a bit of a case study for them. i'm glad you are feeling better today (at the moment). xx

Yes, we'd not planned to go away this summer for the same reason but I think we'll just book somewhere for a week. We don't really have the cash but we have got an 'emergency fund' and I think we're justified using some of that.

I've just drawn a flowchart of antenatal tests to explain to my husband what we'd have to face at different stages of another pregnancy. Never mind retail therapy, this is Geek Therapy.

a flowchart! how is your husband dealing with it? it's daunting getting pregnant again. i've now had 3 pgs since my first termination. the only way I get through is to decide there is no baby and to (attempt) to take each stage at a time. i think you said before that you didn't really think there would be a baby with your daughter, you are obviously used to protecting yourself already so you are probably well prepared for how to deal with it.

I think this is just the right use for an emergency fund as long as you don't end up financially stressed which is the last thing you need. x

We are both a bit geeky so he appreciates the flowchart. He is being relentlessly optimistic though, wants to try again asap and is convinced everything will be ok next time. Hmm. As you say I kind of take the extreme negative approach already so I assume I'll just be even more like that if I get pg again.

I have been discussing borrowing a holiday home in France from a rich relative for minimal charge to cover utilities so we'd just need the travel costs. We've been before and it's peaceful with good food and wine so I think it would be ideal.

I agree it sounds ideal. Good to have one optimist in a relationship - he is right statistically it is more likely to be fine but it's hard to believe and I am a terrible example (but mine were unrelated problems). geek is good imo, dh is one too.