Antenatal support thread for women who have chosen to terminate VI

[Coffeeandchocolate]

Time for a new thread, ladies. May it continue to give us comfort, and help us find a special, sunny place in our hearts, where our babies are safely tucked in. May it bring good luck to everyone who posts or justs reads.

And to the old-timers, it?s so lovely to still have you here with us, reaching out.

Right - you can be my first answerer then, ok? Cos i'll feel daft if no one responds! I going to compose it now....

I will too x

I will too! This whole thing is so infuriating!

Misty - so sorry you found yourself on here but particularly sorry it happened just when this horrible thread appeared. I don't really post on here any more, too much water under the bridge since my termination, all of it pretty muddy and nothing positive happened since.

I read a bit of that thread and just felt tired. Noone knows how they're going to feel. FWIW before my nuchal fold scan I had decided that I would never ever terminate for Downs, did a lot of research and alot of talking to people in the know. Then I got a result of 1 in 2. And then I knew I couldn't have a Down's child and would terminate.

None of those women have a bloody clue. Smug. And reading it reminds me of how ignorant the rest of RL people are.

I can't bring myself to post on there, just pointless and I'm so sorry we've been "invaded". I might but really, they're not going to listen sitting up there on the moral highground.

Thank you peanut

Your dignity is admirable. I should have done the same as you and stayed out of it. I've lost heart with it now. It's too raw to be arguing about. I'm staying here only and waiting to see if we get moved .... and if we do i'll be going with you all xxxx

oh god, have just read through that thread. Just its existance makes me feel intimidated and judged by people who have only a theoretical standpoint on the subject...and i have just found it impossible to write a response without getting upset - it makes me feel the need to justify decisions, (ridiculous, but hell, I'm pregnant, hormonal and over-emotional)
I am hugely impressed with the intelligent and rational posts from those of you who have responded.
Awful time for you to have joined this area misty and i admire your strength and responses.
Really horrified by the mnhq lack of empathy towards the sensitivity of the topic by placing the thread here. This is not an area for debate or theorising, but for support and kindness.
Agree with the need for shelter by a more appropriately named forum.
Hope everyone is keeping well. 7 sleeps til my anomaly scan.

sorry - all het up and posted in wrong place...sorry sorry sorry.

hi, I agree I think this is a naming problem. Definitely a debates forum as this doesn't work anywhere. of course it's going to upset people who have children with downs and of course it's going to upset those of us who have terminated pregnancies for that reason - or any in fact. A debates forum would sort that out.

Misty I tried a coupleof times to say somthien to cotedazur but it's just so pointless. I think with a topic as sensitive as this you have to read all the threads before posting rather than stomp in there with a 'well i think i might or i might not, depends on my socks that day' pointless theoretical answer.

babylilly how so? it's fine here.

I think I'm going to stay away from that thread now.....Well I keep trying but something gets the better of me and i respond again.

I just hate the feeling of being judged. I also hate the thought of the woman who have given me such comfort, kind words, and support being upset by this. I worry now that they will wander onto our thread and read our heartfelt posts with their narrow minds...

I have been trying to keep away too Bluecat, and failed every time! Need to step away as keep getting so upset.

Misty, I hope you are ok and that all of this doesn't stop you coming here for support. You too Rosielee, I have noticed you have not re-posted and hope it is not due to this issue x

I can't stay away either and it's so maddening that it probably best left alone now that I/ we have made our point. I hope that everyone is ok, even if a bit angry, and that misty and rosielee and everyone else who is here because of a T21 diagnosis in particular, can sleep tonight xx

Hi ladies. Misty0 it's so good to hear from tho of course I wish the circumstances were different. I'm glad you are back here for the support if these wonderful ladies. Don't worry about how you are (or are not) feeling, as others have said too every emotion is quite normal. My first day was peaceful, almost like a weight had been lifted following the previous few weeks of worry. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks the next day, since then i've been up and down, especially down when we were told about the gender mix-up. But the one thing I'm learning slot is that I'm a much stronger person than I ever realised. Sending you many healing thoughts for the weeks ahead and know that we're here for you. xx

and then there was THAT thread. :( I admit I started Reading it as I assumed it was posted in this forum only to sadly realise that it was just full of opiniated women who have never had to walk in our shoes. It truly upset me, as I along with the majority of you I suspect, felt judged. And I found myself questioning my decision even tho I KNOW it was the right o e for our family at this time (albeit the most heartbreaking decision ic ever had to make)

I too reported it to mnhq earlier and received a standard email response / justification. Like everyone here I hope it doesn't put others off from seeking the support that has been SO important to me.

Will speak soon, misty, I'll respond to your other thread x

Morning ladies xx

Feel like i'm carefully peeping over the castle walls here this morning after last night.... God what a to do. Felt quite agitated trying to get to sleep. I had to realy push it all to the back of my mind. Anyway ...

I just thought i'd let you know i have emailed arc this morning. I wasn't sure if that first email was sposed to be a simple conformation of interest or the 'war and peace' that i wrote! I had lots of questions ....

you're right mrsbigz about finding an inner strength. It's very strange - a small thing will set me off sobbing violently - but only for about 15 seconds. Then i'm ok. ???

I am ashamed to say that i have 2 realy good friends who i havnt phoned yet. One, a friend since childhood, i have emailed. (i never usualy email friends, i'm a texter and phoner) but i cant face falling apart on the phone to anyone. To painful. The other friend lives here in the village tho' and, although our frienship is one of those that is sometimes full on and sometimes we dont speak for a few weeks cos we're busy, we have a very close bond. I know she'll be hurt when she finds out i havnt told her about whats happened. She was over the moon for us when i fell pg. How silly of me -

sigh.

I've ordered a large picture of beautiful white blossom against a blue sky to put up in the house - as that is what i could see through my hos. window when i came round - and that for me will be the symbol of my baby....Ok now i've made myself cry ....

I'm going to go and have some brekf ast

Oh Misty, I hope you are ok. Still very early days and you are bound to be up and down. The whole 'thread' episode really was awful timing.

To be honest I am hiding it now and hoping it will just disappear, although I am still responding on your suggestion thread for a new forum.

Hope everyone is ok today after yesterdays upset xx

Hello everyone, and welcome Misty - I say welcome; I am so sorry you have lost your baby, but am glad you have found this space. It IS safe, honestly. The other thread is in an inappropriate spot but it doesn't change the fact that nobody has crashed into this thread - ever - and there have been six such threads in the last 2 years. So please take heart and solace from that and the people here.

I have to say, that there are so many people newly bereaved here, helping each other and giving support not judgement, which is what is needed. Good luck to all of you. I am short on time and post here much less than I used to - I had 2 terminations, for (different) fatal conditions, and have gone on to have a healthy baby who is now ONE! Eek. Anyway I am not in a space to offer much support atm due to lack of time but I am lurking and thinking of you all and am glad that you are supporting each other.

The storms do fade; it gets easier, slowly, and the focus changes.
Keep this space safe; don't worry about judgement from outside - if people are reading and judging, it doesn't matter, they can't change the safe haven here.

Morning xxx

How is everyone?

I'm struggling a bit to keep up with each of you at the mo. But dont want to just bang on about me every time.

However - had a rotton day yesterday. Kept crying. Day 3. Worst day since Monday. I know its early days but quite honestly every day feels like a week at the moment. My OH rang home at luch time and i blubbed down the phone. He cheered me up. He always does. Then i felt guilty about bringing his day down ..... God just one long guilt trip!

One nice thing yesterday - the consultant who performed my scan at the private clinic rang me. She's very sweet and was calling just to see how i was. She had been very helpfull in getting me my CVS in hospital quickly and had rung the hospital and they had told her about my termination. Seeing i had her on the phone I asked her a bunch of questions about trying again - how soon basicly - and she gave me a complete go ahead for as soon as we like. I was surprised actualy. She said in my circumstances i needn't wait the 6, 3, 2 or even 1 month some people recomend. She said that was mostly for doctors convienience to wait till your first proper period, for dating the pg. So they can fill in the form properly....

I think ttc again is going to be the only thing that keeps me sane in the next few months - and i need to be trying again so badly. I know it might take months and months, or maybe not happen at all - but i need to be trying. i cant bare this limbo of nothing after being on the road to having a baby. All the planning and daily progression. It all just gone.

My mums being a bit of a pain. She tends to get an illness if i'm having a crisis (bit like a competition sometimes) and has rang me this morning complaining about her IBS and a cough and that shes running out of loo roll and needs to be taken to tesco. (she doesnt drive. the village shop is round the corner from her but i take her into town every week). I'm an only child and it has its pitfalls. Shes telling me this morning that shes worrying over the routine bladder scan she has every 2 years thats due this Monday coming. Its at the same hospital that i've just had my termination in and im dreading taking her. She'll want me to go right in, and get funny if i dont. She wont think i may be upset about going ther again so soon. Am i being a woose?

Lord hark at me!!!! I'm so sorry for this massive ramble. Been in tears again. This is so not me.

X posts there cant xx

thank you for your welcome. Sorry for you past sorrow, and congrats on your one year old! I do feel safe here. Dont know what i would have done without it already! Sorry again for above pointless ramble

Hi Misty

It was day 3 for me too; think the tiredness/shock/ hormones really kick in then. Sounds like you have a brilliant OH, bless him. Don't worry about bringing his day down. I did the same sort of thing, (still am!), with my DH and was really worried about depressing him. He assured me that I wasn't; that it was actually a relief as he knew wasn't bottling my emotions up or hiding anything from him. He said that in an odd way, he felt a bt 'lost' and supporting me gave him some sort of purpose in the whole situation. Bet there is a good chance your OH feels the same and is more than happy to give you the hugs and love you need when you wobble.

So we'll possibly be ttc buddies eh? Think that's you, me, bluecat and maybe mrsbigz too. Thinks we've all said that we NEED to be trying; I'm currently waiting for AF. Lots of crampy feelings and a nice sprinkling of spots, but also a bit anxious/hopeful as DH and I 'slipped up', (ahem!) a few times at the weekend and that would be around the time I would be most likely to fall pregnant, (weird cycles me). Have bought a bumper pack of pregnancy tests and a bumper pack of tampons, figure I'll be using one or the other by the weekend!

I don't know your mum, and she's your mum so I am sure she is absolutely lovely but...... you need to look after number one right now honey, so if she is frying your brain, you might need to tell her. I know you say she won't understand that you do not want to go to the hospital, or into the hospital, but if you explain why, maybe she will? She's your mum and will not want to put you through any undue distress. And if she doesn't understand, (sure she will), can I recommended getting a bit bloody minded? You are taking her, that's more than generous given the circumstances. Self preservation is very important right now; it's not selfish or refusing to move on, it's damage limitation and you need to look after yourself.

Hello to everyone else, hope everyone is okay and looking forward to the weekend. I know I am!

Stay strong ladies xxxx

Misty - it's such early days for you. Grief is a strange thing to navigate, some days feeling ok and then bam it hits you again and the pain is so acute. I would say that the acute episodes become more spaced out over time but still every now and again they hit. It gets easier though in many ways but of course your loss is something that is now part of you and which you will always live with. But you will find peace again. I'm glad your consultant has been so reassuring and so positive about TTC. I too felt that at least if I was TTC I was doing something forward looking which helped a little with the grieving process. I did find however as time went on the desperate need to TTC wore off a little and became less urgent. I think others have found that too. Good luck anyway and be kind to yourself.

Your mum sounds a bit similar to mine, not in the illness sense but in the self absorption. I have no advice to give as I have never found a way to manage my mum easily without it annoying me (apart from moving over a 100 miles away which has helped immensley ) Going back to the hospital is hard, I found it so when I went back for my follow up. Explain to your mum that you may find this difficult and even though she probably wont properly understand or accomodate it, hopefully she may be a little more sensitive.

Hope everyone else is ok, MrsBigz - how are you feeling now about the hospitals mistake? I hope a little more adjusted to the shock and perhaps have had an apology from the hospital.

Love to everyone else.

Cinnamon, can I join that ttc club too? We were supposed to get started this month and then DH selfishly got viral meningitis so we only really had one 'roll of the dice' so to speak!!! I too will find out whether it's testing or tampax come Mon, but I'm not holding out much hope! Although the urgent need to get pregnant is subsiding, I still can't get away from the fact that I'm 'supposed' to be having a baby next week and although my 2 friends have their beautiful baby boys (we are all meeting up Sun for a birthday party), my baby girl is in heaven.

Cherry and Misty my mum is also completely self absorbed- she asked me what the matter with me was on the afternoon I came out of hospital.

sorry, short post from me too...easter hols so no preschool and both boys running amuck!! eating mud from the garden, y'know typical boy stuff!!
misty - yes i think mine was either day 2 or 3 when i suddenly burst (bit like a fizzy pop bottle when you shake it then open it!) - and then since then it's been very up and down. weds wasn't great, yesterday a little better and today been ok (other than a horrible headache!). also glad your dh is being so good - he sounds very like mine too :) just there for me and understanding of my mood swings and glad to be able to help/support me as he feels he is doing something useful.
sorry to hear your mum has a bit trying recently, mums do like to test us. is possible she's trying to focus the conversation on herself to try and take your mind off what you are going through? (though on second thoughts taking you back to the hospital isn't going to have that desired effect is it).
hope you're able to gently tell her that you need to concentrate on you for a while....
Cinnamon. I am MOST definitely on the ttc train again. i too am waiting for AF to arrive, though the naughty part of my brain says 'hey, why wait....do it now!!!' i've stopped bleeding for a few days now, so i may try and seduce hubby sometime soon. also have non-standard cycles though (took us a year with ds2) so am sure it will take a while for us to fall pg again.....which definitely means we should start asap!
cherry - thanks for asking after me. yes, i do feel more adjusted now - still sometimes find myself saying 'him' instead of 'her' but i think in my heart, i'm thinking of a little pink baby rather than blue when she's in my thoughts (which is most of the time!!) and no, no apology from the hospital. the bereavement nurse (who unwittingly delivered the news) has been more than apologetic and kind, but the hospital themselves haven't said anything. makes me kind of mad but i don't want to go chasing an apology and spoil my memory of Eve iykwim.

will catch up soon (ps - this has taken me the best part of 2 hours to write inbetween chasing boys!!!)

kxxxx

Bump x

Hey everyone another lovely weekend.

Ttc is an open group MyAngelAva ha ha

How is everyone today? I've taken about ten steps backwards, been at work this morning and close to tears all day, think my workmates would be horrified if i actually did as i'm the "jolly" one! Don't know what's up with me feel really really sad. Had a bit of trouble with my son yesterday he went out for the day with his friends and his best friends mum. She rang me up saying he had been in a mood for 45 mins and they had all tried to talk to him but he was having none of it. I said he is usually terrified of other people's parents and was very surprised he was acting that way. Texted the boys mum to see if he was ok and she never replied just dropped him off 2 and a half hours later (which i think is bad manners). Spoke to my son when he got home and told him he shouldn't behave like that when he's with other people. Turns out her son had got the others to gang up on him and duck his head under the water (they went swimming) so he decided to stay away. He said none of them tried to talk to him they were all saying he was spying on them if he looked their way. He said he was crying and she did nothing and then when she asked him what had gone on he said what he had told me and she said well you've ruined it for yourself.

I feel that I should confront the childs mum but I don't feel strong enough. She's very loud and in your face and she knows I am not like that. I feel like a terrible mum on all counts at the moment.....Feel like i've let him down, having feelings of guilt towards my termination and like I want to go to bed and never get up!

Anyway I'm really really sorry about the me me me post. I hope everyone is having a good weekend xxx

Hey Bluecat

Poor little man; kids can be so cruel. I'm sure you've given him lots of love and hugs though. And you are not a terrible mum; a terrible mum wouldn't be beating themselves wondering whether or not to take on what sounds like a quite rude woman, with no manners and no idea how to speak to children.

Taken 10 steps back myself; really thought I was getting on top of all this. Consultant appointment finally through, managed 4 whole days without crying, onward and upward. Still no 'monthly vistor', (it's due in next few days), but have been feeling odd and have had a few of the symptoms I had when I got pregnant with little one, so did an early test, just to be sure.

Not pregnant. In my heart I knew I wasn't, and it's quite good I'm not, but that phrase, 'Not pregnant', when I should be pregnant, and the last time I did a test I was....oh I don't know, just killed me. Stupid, stupid, stupid but cried for an hour. Still feel miserable. So I guess we can chalk 4 weeks up to another one of those set back days, hormones I guess!

On a positive note, well done all for squashing the thread of evil; have it hidden so no idea where it is but by the sounds of it, it's been bumped to oblivion so yay! Angry women power!

Secondly, who is on the bus now? So far I reckon me, bluecat, myangelAva, mrsbigz and misty. Anyone else want to play? Really need nice, positive things to focus on, and this is a nice, positive thing!

Big hugs ladies, hope it's sunny where you are, take care xxx