Antenatal support thread for women who have chosen to terminate VI

[Coffeeandchocolate]

Time for a new thread, ladies. May it continue to give us comfort, and help us find a special, sunny place in our hearts, where our babies are safely tucked in. May it bring good luck to everyone who posts or justs reads.

And to the old-timers, it?s so lovely to still have you here with us, reaching out.

The second baby is here safe and sound and having seen pictures of both newborn babies I am genuinely really pleased for them. I realised this afternoon that I think I was worried about them having girls who would forever remind me that my little one is in heaven, but in fact I should see the positive that watching these living babies grow up in the world will be actually be a special privilege for a future time when I think of Ava with the special warm glow I long for instead of the aching void I feel now.

I hope everyone is ok and has had a nice weekend in the sunshine- it really helps doesn't it?

Hi all

Just a quick one to say hello and I'm back! Lovely weekend in the lovely sun with my lovely chap was just what the doctor ordered. Hotel were fabulous; we had been asked if it was a special occasion when we originally booked in Feb and had mentioned little one in my joyful optimism, then mentioned her again when I had to re arrange the weekend, (booked for 2 days after TOP). When we got to our room, there were complimentary gubbins galore as well as a special note from the hospitality manager saying she hoped we had a nice stay and to call her if we needed anything. And free drink at the bar before dinner. Bless them. Evening slightly marred when a heavily pregnant young lady sat down directly in my eye line and I had the obligatory wobble, (and a few tears), but it's something I need to get over and hopefully will in time.

May have seen on the other thread that DH and I spoken and we have decided to try again as soon as I have had my first 'proper' period. We did, umm, slip this weekend and do some what I think MN calls SWI, (how rude), but then figured we'd have to wait the extra 4 weeks for dating, etc. So, along with some of the other ladies, I think we'll be starting the crazy baby journey together soon. It'll be good to be travelling with friends......

Sorry no real personals, need to get on top of the washing but I hope you are all okay, keeping safe and sane. Special thoughts going out to misty and knitter today, lots of love and virtual hugs.

xxxx

Another quick update - called the hospital to see about my 6 week check up. Lovely reception lady still had me down for my 20 weeks scan, had to inform her about my TOP, (she was apologetic beyond belief) which is worrying as she looked me up using my hospital and NHS numbers so surely my notes should have been updated?? Have left message on maternity unit answer phone requesting my appointment. Is it too late to go private?

Big hugs xxx

Hi everyone. Having a little upset today. I got an invitation for a memorial service from the hospital this morning. I just burst into tears - they come so quickly and heavily. The invitation was so sensitively worded and I'm so touched to have been remembered and have this acknowledgment that the pain doesn't ever go away. Have taken several deep breaths and am about to go out in the sunshine and run some lunchtime errands.

Mrsbigz - I was horrified to hear that they got Eve's sex wrong. That is such a blow. You have to grieve all over again. We asked not to find out the sex and found out inadvertently when they showed us the cvs results. I still remember the chill around my heart when I found out he was a boy. I never did anything about it, because in the end it actually helped us quite a lot to know his sex, and like you, I didn't want to make the whole experience worse by getting into a fight with the hospital. Re TTC, with modern scans, I can't think of any real reason to wait.

Cinnamondog - I'm not sure about the checkup. I didn't have one through the hospital, just went to my GP after a few weeks when the bleeding hadn't stopped.

Sorry, to add to Cinnamondog, I had finished bleeding quite quickly, then after another week it started again, that's why I went to the GP. I think at the hospital they said because everything had been very straightforward that there wasn't any need for a checkup.

ghislaine - (((hugs))). Hope the tears stop soon and that if you go, the memorial provides you some comfort. You are right; it is nice to know that our losses and our grief are are still remembered.

Hospital got back in touch; apparently my letter is ready to be typed and I should get it in 7-10 days, (?!?). It's not to check me physically, more emotionally and psychologically, and to give me the numbers/ contacts for when we conceive again so I can by pass the booking in/ doctors appointments and go straight to the hospital for my bloods and some early scans. So feeling a bit happier. Thanks for the advice :)

Nice to hear from you mrsbigz I hope your feeling a little better. Good to hear you've had a good weekend cinnamondog and that your appointment is getting sorted. MyAngelAva I'm glad you have found seeing the new born pics ok as I have a friend who was due about a week after me and I have been really worried.

Cherrybug and Flower how are you? And hi to everyone else xxx

My thoughts have been drifting to Harry's due date, I don't want it to pass without some recognition but at the same time I don't want it to be a terribly sad affair. Harry was due the day after my son's birthday so I don't want it to represent a time of sadness as that wouldn't be fair on my son......He wanted to share he birthday with Harry, he has wanted a sibling for so long ;-(

Unfortunately my mood appears to have taken a turn for the worst just like the weather! If my periods are going to return to a regular cycle then I'm due any day now so could explain why I feel so cross! I've turned into a crazed woman, partner made a clever remark to me this morning while I was feeding the cats and I threw cat food at the wall.......Not good, I certainly need to work on my aim lol x

Any how enough of the mad rambling, how is everyone? xx

Hi everyone,

Mrsbigz I'm glad you found the right locket for you its a beautiful way to remember eve. I often think of Isabelle as a butterfly and I have a butterfly necklace which helps me to remember and feel close to her as i wear it all the time.

Cinnamon I'm glad you had a good weekend away, the lovely weather has been really good for lifting spirits.

Ghislaine sending you big hugs.

Bluecat hope you are feeling better today and that your AF sorts herself out.

For those asking about periods i think they generally suggest waiting for dating reasons of the next pregnancy if happens straight away. But I think there is something to be said for giving nature time to sort out the body. My gp said that hormones could take awile to sort out. I waited 6 weeks for first period than it was 37 days till second, but i had to wait 2 months to ttc anyway cause of having high dose folic acid, so started ttc after 2nd af.

Misty thinking of you, and love to everyone else, I now have to drag myself off to work on this lovely sunny day. xx

Hi ladies

I've started this post 4 times now, and keep starting again. i think its going to be a ramble...I'm doing ok. Monday was a long day. We were in the hos. for 12 hours altogether. I came round from the anasthetic crying. But since then i've only shed a couple of tears. I feel like i've got all my emotions shut in a cupboard and i'm leaning on the door. I don't know how i'm ment to feel. I realy dont want to fall apart again. It seems so pointless. Just torture.

I think i was so overwrought with grief and shock after the scan and the CVS that to find the procedure was behind me was suddenly almost a relief. Which i feel guilty about.

OH has gone back to work today. He would have stayed at home if i had asked - but i knew he wanted to go back for a bit of male company. (building site - and the lads have been texting him all week to see how we are. Bless) I think i'm just realising how much he was keeping me together. Dont think i.m quite as fine as i thought. Up one minute - then down. Hes only a phone call and half an hour away - but theres no way i'm going to call him home!!!!

Yesterday i was groggy but fine. My hand and throat hurt more than my tummy. Today i've got cramping and heavier bleeding - lovely. Just blown my nose and now thats bleeding .... whats that about ??

Like others have said, the weather doesnt help. I havnt contacted ARC or anyone. Dont know if i will. I just feel like i want to keep it all 'in' and private i think.

I'm sorry i cant say anything to anyone personaly today but my thoughts and love are with all you ladies xxxxxx Heads still a bit all over the place it seems.

I've just read all your wonderful messages on my thread i wrote on Sunday - thank you so much. I should have read them b4 writing the above. You've lifted my spirits already xxxxxx mrsbigz bless your heart, i wasnt expecting to feel that peace - it was welcome but i felt so guilty. But i dont now i know its not unusual. Thank you so much.

Hey Misty, massive hugs. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. What you are feeling right now is completely normal honey, and I'm so sorry you are having to go through it. I'm not sure what to say about how you are meant to feel, apart from you are meant to feel exacty how you are feeling. You are coping with this the only way you can so don't beat yourself up.

I also felt relief; think I said in an earlier message that I kind of went really calm. The same day I was chatting to our older boys when I got home, I ate, I managed to get straight to sleep. Next day, talked to lots of people, etc., etc. Day 3, hit me like a sledge hammer. I woke up and felt completely dead yet intensely miserable. My DH also had the time off work; I couldn't even look at him. I ended up getting on a bus and going into the town centre, then sitting in a church yard for 4 hours on my own. I didn't eat or drink, didn't even cry, just sat and felt completely lost. But it was what I needed. I managed to come home and then talk to DH, about everything. Even stuff I was scared to admit to myself, stuff I was ashamed to say. It helped so much.

Anyway, why am I telling you this? Not entirely sure! Maybe it's because this is not the way I deal with things in RL, and completely the opposite to the way I would normally cope with stuff. It caught me off guard but I just had to go with it. So don't be expecting too much of yourself; you might really weird yourself out in the next few days, but you will survive. You can do this, horribly hard though it is.

And call DH if you need to; he may want to be back with you as much as you want him back!

Remember, you have a lot of love and understanding right here too. ARC do help if you feel up to it, but they'll be there in a week or a month so wait till it's right for you. Take care xxx

This is just a fly by post - if you think that AT/C is the wrong place for MumsnetHQ to have relocated the thread about the inquiring into the reasons for terminations, please report the thread and let them know why.

I am not sure if I'll be posting here anymore. I feel there is no safe place to talk about my experiences. I have really valued all the support and kindness I've received from you all and I wish you all the very best on your onward journeys.

x

[Cross-post with sister thread]

ghislaine - have done, thread reported, completely agree, totally inappropriate and I hope it has not caused distress to any current posters or put of any new people looking for support.

Your experiences and wisdom are very much appreciated by all those who find themselves, sadly, looking for solace here. Please reconsider and keep posting if you can!

xxx

I've just sat and read through that thread. God knows why. I felt i was on a mission to get to the end.....I'm going to work out how to ask MN why it was put on what i thought was meant to be a supportive forum. Not a moral discussion. My fault for reading it all (?) hasn't done alot of good.

From the bits I read, (lost the will with it after a bit), there seemed to be some wisdom from ladies who've been in our position, with a lot of ignorance and judgement from those who haven't. Don't take it to heart honey; it's only those who have walked in our shoes who have the right to comment, and even then, comment not judge xxx

Thank you cinnamon . And for your honest story earlier xx I know what you mean about being 'not like this usualy'. Stiff upper lip and all that. It's very scary when that lips constantly wobbling uncontrollably ay?

I wanted to comment on that thread, but didnt want to be keeping it at the top of the list by doing that!

No one can know what another person thinks or feels in a certain situation. We live in a world with technalogical advances - but no magic wands. Theres a time and place for debates I dont see how thrashing it out here in front of us tender souls is helping anyone .... Deep breath. I'm ok. Hope there's no one else reading that thread that really shouldn't.

This day is soooooo long BTW! I spoke to my OH at lunch time. He said he'd make the dinner as soon as he gets home and i must stay on my a*! Love him.

(I'll do the dinner)

That thread should not be in this part of MN it's insensitive with many posters having no real idea what they're talking about!! It makes me so angry and I have posted on there....I wish I hadn't now and just left them to get on with it.

Funny how they sit and judge us yet we don't judge them for wanting to carrying on with a pregnancy.

I didn't terminate for DS but I was given high odds for it initially as I had a high NT and we agreed that we would, for various, valid reasons. I wouldn't however say to a person who carried on with a pregnancy that they are wrong for doing so for those reasons. I wouldn't judge either way.

I terminated for a fatal abnormality and according to some woman on there it would have been better for nature to be allowed to take it's course....When my baby was old enough to feel pain and suffer, not how that works but hey ho.

Sorry rant over.....Small mindedness just really gets to me!

And ghislaine you are safe on hear with us, let them get on with it xxx

Also hi to everyone else, sorry for lack of personnels just felt the need to quickly post after having seen others also upset by that thread

ghislaine it does feel like our safe haven is under attack :-(

It's just hard when your living with something for all the what ifs to start spinning round your head again. I'm taken aback to how much it has got to me really.....Now my anger has subsided I feel quite unsettled :-( xx

BlueCat, I am reeling. My face is so red and have been totally angered. Sorry, for ranting, I really shouldn't have read the thread, but how irresonsible of MNHQ, how could they not see that moving it to AT/C would cause so much more upset!

It really does feel like our 'room' has been invaded and the comfort of knowing the people in AT/C are there because they are in similar positions has gone. What if they decided to search the other pages I post on and begin passing judgement there? I know this is slightly irrational but that is how I am feeling

Hey guys,

I've reported that thread twice; once after my initial shock & a second time after catching up with some of the sad events of the day which made this thread appearing here even more inappropriate. My suggestion is hide the thread, (I've posted how & another lady has given another way), but not to let the views, (the often ill informed views) of those lucky enough to not be dealing with these issues right now, if at all, effect the amazing support we have for each other.

I'm fuming if it helps! As if anyone makes these decisions because they want to, or takes the making of them lightly...... Don't let them steal our comfort blanket ladies xxxx

I am so resisting posting and posting my anger/exhasperation everywhere! Why cant they get the simple point that debate is fine but this particular forum is, and has been used as a counciling and comforting forum?

I have a sugestion - and i dont know where best to put it ..... I think we need a more acurately named forum.

The problem seems to be lying with the dogmatic atitude from some that the title of this place is the most relevant point.

The 'prgnancy loss' forum just didnt seem the place for me. It seems like splitting hairs probably for those who are not living through this and looking for support, but we need an apropriately named place where we can be secure with our own issues which we understand.

Does this make sense? Can anyone help sugest a better named place for us??

Yes agree Misty, it is something that should be put forward to Mumsnet HQ, although I think there should be a section labled Debates and Discussions for posts as the one which is now causing so much upset. If they feel there should be a 'place' which will not cause upset, then people have the choice to go to that page and should expect to see sensative issues such as termination being discussed there.

AT/C is such an important place for expectant parents, and putting that post there was a bad judgement call. I for one have been deeply upset by the narrow minded views expressed. I agree people should be able to debate these issues, but AT/C certainly is NOT the place for it.

Am losing the will to respond to computermouse comments as he/she just doesn't understand why I and so many others are upset

Yes, and sometimes we have to agree to differ natz, for our own sanity. Sometimes it causes more unnecessary upset to try to convince everyone to agree.

We need to put our energy into preventing this happening again now i think. A new name and a fresh place. I thought about starting a little nonconfrontational thread asking for peoples sugestions for a forum for us. I hope it doesnt cause more upset tho?? What do you think?

I think it's a good idea. I cant imagine it would cause upset as the only people who would be going there are the ones who need to. Having a place you can go to, to cushion yourself through a terrible experience is a lifeline to many.
It also avoids the potential upset of a post like that appearing in full view of those who dont need to see it

Go for it lady - I'll join! xxx