Antenatal support thread for women who have chosen to terminate VI

[Coffeeandchocolate]

Time for a new thread, ladies. May it continue to give us comfort, and help us find a special, sunny place in our hearts, where our babies are safely tucked in. May it bring good luck to everyone who posts or justs reads.

And to the old-timers, it?s so lovely to still have you here with us, reaching out.

wow :( i can't believe it was one week ago (almost to the minute) that i gave birth to my beautiful Noah. in some ways it seems SO long ago, almost like it happened to someone else but then raw emotion kicks in and i miss my baby so much :(
today has been strange, almost like it was all pointing toward this time in the evening. i've actually had quite a nice day but inside kept thinking about the time and what i was doing this time last week etc etc. on the positive side, a week has passed and i'm still here, i've not completely crumbled. it is still incredibly painful but i can feel the pain lessening every day and being replaced by wistful and nostalgic memories of what could have been.....

cremegg hey its good to hear from you, especially as someone a few weeks on from me to know that things ARE starting to get a little easier....light at the end of the tunnel. i'm glad your work are so supportive of you :) oh and btw, i hadn't even noticed the mis-spelling of 'genuinely' until you pointed it out (and then i had to hunt for it!!!) hehe. also i think a ring is a lovely idea with Indy's initials on, especially as you say you don't really get on with other jewelry. i'd thought about engraving Noah's initials and dob on the back of the locket, but his initials are actually NB (didn't think about that one!) so it would be NB 30.3.11

cinnamon thanks for sharing that, it is reassuring to know that you've experienced the same with the bleeding etc. i'm sure it will settle down soonish but i will keep an eye on it and certainly contact someone if i'm concerned about it. oh and don't apologise for your 'vermin' saying....i feel exactly the same way about her!!!! i get so angry - even today seeing young mums sparking up in front of their kids :S
and yes, on reflection i am going to take the full 2 weeks off. seeing how my boss was so understanding (and knowing it doesn't go on my record!) i think i would benefit from the time off. when i do go back it's going to be very full on as it's a new role, so i'll take this time as i think i need it more than i realise.

cherry - congrats on your pregnancy. i too have been lurking on the sister thread gaining hope from the success stories on there. i hope that the next few months aren't too stressful for you and you are able to enjoy your pregnancy :) i think i'm with you on the 'too particular' trait. i went into town today specifically to buy a locket i'd seen online (wanted to see it IRL) it was a nice white gold one in a teardrop shape, really pretty. but when i saw it and tried it on - well it just wasn't right. i even phoned my dh and asked if i was just being silly - i'd been convinced this was the 'right' one.....but in the end i didn't end up buying it at all. will be looking again methinks, but there is no hurry and like you i would rather buy the right one, than just get one for the sake of it!

bluecat i'm totally understanding of being frightened of another pregnancy, but also completely with you when you say you shouldn't not do something because it scares you. it scares me more to think about the possibility of us NOT having another child, rather than the possibility of another pregnancy having the same outcome.....there is my rationale for wanting to ttc asap!

anyhow, i'm going to go out and water our cherrytree now and sit and cry a few more tears for my baby Noah.....tomorrow is a new day xx

I just wanted to say hello as I have been reading your posts but didn't feel up to posting myself. We are now at 11 weeks (tomorrow) and the 2 close friends I got pregnant at the same time as, are due any minute. In fact one is at the hospital as I type. Am obviously happy for them as I would not wish this on anyone, but it brings the what ifs to the front of my mind... I'm supposed to have my baby girl in 2 weeks. Still, ..... not to be.

Cinnamon- I too have been on an insane health kick, was supposed to be ttc this month but DH got viral meningitis (we have such bad luck this year, but thankfully he's ok) so not looking that hopeful!

I also wanted to add that I am also a teacher although I'm on a career break to look after my son who is 2.

Not sure what happened there!!! Sorry, also wanted to add that I had a fab NT with Ava, 1:189000 of Edwards and they only got suspicious when her growth was too low at 23 weeks. We had an amnio at 26 weeks and ended the pregnancy a few days after the results came back as Edwards. I guess that's why they say 23 weeks- to check growth and so that they can see organs etc more clearly.

Re ttc- we have survived so far so we cannot give up now! My consultant said she'd never seen it happen twice, so here's to positive thinking!!

Take care everyone and it's nice to meet you xx

Hi MyangelAva - nice to meet you! Think I have seen you before, earlier on this thread or on another one? So sorry about the loss of your little girl, and completely with you on the feeling happy for others but screaming inside about the damn unfairness of it all. So, feel free to rant if you want to; no judgement, complete understanding. We can let our halos slip here, one of the best things out MN I think, and everyone knows exactly where you are coming from! Glad DH is recovering; when it rains, it pours eh? Will keep my fingers crossed that you're not ttc too long, and we have another pregancy to celebrate.

And on that note - Cherrybug - YAY!! Well done, try not too worry, (what a silly thing to say!), so pleased for you! xxx

mrsbigz - well done making it through yesterday with some smiles to go with the tears. I love the idea of the cherry tree; it will blossom around this time every year so a beautiful and fitting tribute to little Noah. Also really glad you are taking the time off. It does get easier, (no less sad, just easier to cope with), but it's good to be able to wobble when you want in these early days. Look after yourself; much pampering, (and cheese!).

Bluecat - Equally scared but keep thinking the chances of it happening again are so slim. Yes, I know it can happen, yes, lightening can strike twice but there is more chance of being killed in a car crash, (sorry - depressing!),than any of us being so unlucky again, and we all get in our cars everyday don't we? I know for me that I just keep thinking if I don't try, I'll never know. Anyway, we'll be fine, I've decided. Very determined I am.

Cremegg -are you in bed at the moment? Sorry, obsessed by the time difference still!

Work last night was brilliant; so glad I went. The kids and parents were really glad to see me and the health kick went for a burton as I ate my body weight in mini eggs. Forgot that I hadn't told one of my playworkers about little one, and the first question she asked me was 'how's baby?'. Poor love, she was mortified. Gave her a big hug, a few tears and we got on with it. She was more tearful than me, (especially when I threatened to hit her with a polystyrene cup if she upset me again!), which I am really surprised but happy about. I'm glad I am able to speak about little one without completely falling apart as I have so much to be happy about the time I had with her, and I want to be able to talk about her without people being upset or embarrassed. It's those little steps again!

Hello and big hugs to anyone else, hope you are all doing well and smiling in the sunshine!

xxx

my babys funeral will be next thursday, after term 2/march for edwards sym at 12 weeks

Hi Gillian. I hope you are ok and that the funeral provides you with some closure. Will it be with other babies? mine was. I found it quite strange having people i didn't know also grieving in a similar way.

Take care. x

Hi Cinnamon, had to laugh at your time difference fascination hehe, we are only 8 and half hours ahead at the mo, during UK winter it's 10 and half hours. I normally manage to post in my eve (your lunch time) so I guess when you guys reply I'm either in bed or starting work. Really glad work went well for you, working with kids certainly is distracting! :)

mrsbigz, hope you're feeling better today. with you on the idea of not ever having child seems more scary than idea of ttc, so what else can we do!?

also doing the healthy thing! lol! we even have a new juicer and are doing veg juices, how funny! am having a couple of drinks tho as rationalising that will stop while ttc (at least til af!) Speaking of, AF rocked up on tues, been light but def there, which is good I guess.

cherry we have had every test under the sun, full post mortem, genetic tests on Indy, chromosomes etc! The first stage PM results said it seemed to be a one off (kidneys not developing) as there were no other abnormalities, but still aprehensive about further results monday...

myangelava good to hear from you, hope you're doing ok.

gillian hope next thurs goes as well as these things can

right, bed time i think, yay to friday tomorrow :)

xx

Speaking of health kicks I've just joined slimming world and its out with the chocolate and in with the fresh fruit and veg..........You have no idea how much I would kill for some mini eggs right now!!

gillian I remember replying to one of your posts a while ago and was going to ask after you in my next post as I hadn't seen you around since and hoped you were still lurking. I hope the funeral gives you comfort will be thinking of you xx How have you been keeping? Hope you have lots of support in RL

Cinnamondog Again loving the positivity!

mrsbigz We also feel the need to ttc straight away and i think you know when is right for you so, my consultant was spot on when he said he saw his advice go in one ear and out the other!

Hi MyangelAva I remember talking to you before in fact I think you were one of the first to reply to my first post just after my termination at the beginning of Feb or perhaps on the sister thread. I also have a friend who was about six days behind me and seeing her bump is a constant reminder, plus all other friends are talking about it......I almost feel that my little Harry is forgotten about now. However Glad you're with of on the positive thinking and lets hope our ttc journeys are successful soon. xxx

Hi to everyone else posting or lurking......The sun is shining today, feels uplifting to get a bit of sunshine! xxx

aaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sorry, i had to let that out :( i am beyond angry this evening!

today started well, the sun certainly helps with my state of mind and today me and the boys played outside and it was fun, i smiled! this afternoon i cleaned my car out (almost a years worth of crap and crumbs and sand?!) which was very therapeutic and i felt i'd acheived something.

THEN i had a phone call this afternoon from the nurse counsellor at the hospital, just checking in on me like she promised she would. she said i'd be getting my 6wk appt in the post soon for May (i said i'd already received one letter and she apologised saying that was for when i should have been pregnant and she would cancel it for me grrr). then i asked her when we were likely to get the full karyotype from the amnio and she said that it had come that morning, she'd hunt it out for me. great (or so i thought................)

she then says it's in front of her and would I like to know the sex of our baby. i explained that we'd found out it was a boy when i gave birth last week. Oh. Erm. Oh dear. the report says that your baby was actually a GIRL.

OMG OMG OMG!!!! you can not imagine the full force of emotions that hit me at that moment. Our precious Noah, who we have been mourning for the past week is actually not Noah at all, but a little girl? I burst into tears and she was apologetic and said she would come round straight away with the report. OMG how can this happen. i admit that when she was born I didn't see an obvious 'boy part' but ok, i had just given birth, and you do kind of trust the midwife when she says it's a boy. And if she is not sure OR the gestation means it is too early to be 100% then TELL ME you're not sure. Please don't let me grieve for a little boy only to find out a week later that she was a little girl. It's like starting the grieving process all over again :( The cherry tree in our garden to me was a 'male' tree, a memorial to our little boy and now i'm having to try and retrain my thoughts. i was going to print out her foot and handprints in blue to go inside the locket (which thankfully i've not chosen yet) but now it will need to be in pink. i keep thinking of her as a him and i'm so confused and so angry. Also as anyone with 2 (or more) boys would probably admit to, i would have loved a little girl. she would have been the first granddaughter in our family (of 7 grandsons altogether). not that i would have mourned a girl any more that I mourned a boy, but it would have probably been different.
And the time we spent with our baby at the hospital.....all that time we spent with her we were referring to her as Noah 'our little boy' :( we will never get that time back again now, and i regret that we didn't just KNOW that she was a girl, and call her by HER name. I'm so so so lost and sad right now.

We have decided to call her Eve but i'm finding it so hard thinking about her as a girl. sorry for this long me-post rant. i needed to get that all out :(

mrsbigz What a terrible terrible mistake the MW has made. I bet you feel so shocked and confused...I don't know what to say I'm lost for words. I can't imagine what it would be like to find out that my Harry wasn't actually Harry, it must be like starting the process again. I lost Harry at 17 weeks and the MW did warn that it is hard to be 100% at that stage but it was luckily quite clear and the report confirmed it.

I know you worry about the time you spent with Eve but she will have been able to feel the love from you...as she did whilst in your tummy and that is so much more important than a name. I am so sorry you have been dealt another blow when you were starting to feel a bit better.

I have a son and would love a daughter.....I know you wouldn't of loved the baby any more or less whatever sex it was but it must feel like another blow to have lost a daughter after having 2 boys. I'm so sorry. Feel free to rant away as you please and I will listen and reply....even if I am lost for words!

Can I just add that Eve is a beautiful name xxxxx

deep breath. i'm forgetting my manners.

also meant to say hi to myangelava i sat last night and read back through many of the older posts on this thread....i felt like those who had welcomed me so kindly and warmly i wanted to get to know their stories too. and in doing that i read your story of your beautiful baby girl. i am dreading my due date (not for a few months yet) so not sure what to say only that i hope you find a peace and are able to celebrate little Ava. i know how hard it is when friends IRL around you are going through their pregnancy at the same time as you, and how hard it is to differentiate between feel your sadness and yet being happy for them at the same time ((hugs)) to you and i hope that her due date is a beautiful day for you to remember.

gillian i also remember reading your story last night and am so sorry for the loss of your baby. i hope that you are able to find some peace from the funeral next week and will be thinking of you and your baby on that day x

bluecat hey - i've not entered the whole eating healthy regime just yet....right now eating at all is a bit of a hurdle. just don't have an appetite. it's nice to know that there are others (you :) ) that will be ttc at the same time as we are, i think i'm going to really need you girls support when we start.

cinnamon i've eaten the best part of a whole wedge of cambozola this evening and i've every intention of going out tomorrow and buying some more. i'm so glad work went well for you, and that you were able to talk to your co-worker about your little one without tearing up too much.

cremegg hope you're sleeping well!!! speak to you at lunchtime :) hope your further results on monday are what you want to see and don't indicate anything else.

talking of results, i mentioned the full karyotype in my rant/wail/vent above. they showed that baby Eve had 'regular' T21, therefore it wasn't translocation so there is no chance that it could have been passed down genetically (at least that's what i think it means, i wasn't really in a fit state to listen this afternoon). the report mentions that the likelihood of it happening again is rare but if we ttc again they would recommend prenatal testing due to my age (37 in august). so i think that is as good as report as we could have expected.

so now i'm going to eat more blue cheese and try and start mourning for my little girl

:(

bluecat - thank you for the response and the kind words. i must have missed it in my haste to post again - felt rude for not asking after everyone.

i know you are right, my baby DID know how much I loved her and wanted her. Everything just feels all updside down and inside out right now.

part of me wants to call the hospital and kick up a storm but in every other way they have been wonderful in the way they've looked after us. but at the same time i couldn't imagine this happening to any other parents. maybe everything will look a little different tomorrow.....

It's a tricky one especially when they have been good to you through-out your care. They put the disclaimer in at the 20 week scan about the sex so they should really tell you when it's something as important as this. Definitely have a sleep on it, things always seem clearer after a good nights sleep..Not that I imagine you will sleep too well tonight after all this.

All babies need is love and that is exactly what Eve had. Love and lots of it, she won't care about the name she will know how much you loved her. You loved her from the minute she was conceived regardless and she was surrounded by love till the end and beyond... and from that she has everything she needs.

Be kind to yourself, it wasn't your mistake, and you still have those precious moments you spent with her and her with you no matter what name you gave her then.

Sending you lots of hugs xxxxxx

I hope noone minds me posting,this is one of my first posts although i have contacted a few people through pm and they were so helpful and nice, , anyway, im in a position like lots of you, i terminated at 23 weeks when i found out i was expecting a down sydrome baby, and even typing this makes me feel so sad and a bit ashamed.. Sometimes i cant believe that i did what i did, other days i get though the days easy enough. I feel sad at the moment because my due date is soon, next week and also because im sitting in on my own and husband is working, and i am searching though the internet and looking up everything and anything to do with DS, which i know i shouldnt do, and I really think i should get counselling to deal with this. Im from Ireland and i have looked up forums in ireland and have yet to find one that talks about terminating because of DS. It really gives me hope when i read all your posts to know that im not that different and im not a bad person for doing what i did. I hope i can talk to all of you and maybe it will help. its so heartbreaking for me that i cant tell another person what I did, apart from my husband. My family and close friends think i terminated because of severe chromsomal problems and i know i can never tell them the truth because i think they will be so shocked. Now i keep thinking about having another child, and even that in itself shocks me, cause i honestly never thought i would ever think about more kids after what happened (i have one four year old)...anyway, thanks for reading x

Welcome rosielee1 I'm sorry to hear of your loss. Please don't feel ashamed you made a decision that was best for you and your family and no-one can judge till they walk in your shoes. I too look up my babies condition and my partner gets cross with me because I find stories were a couple takes a chance and their baby survives.....I think it's a way of beating yourself up but it doesn't help....Not really. It must be really hard for you to not be able to be honest with people in RL and have a support network, I hope you are able to talk fully to your husband. You are not a bad person. You are a good mum who made a choice on what was best for your family and your baby. My babies problems were not chromosome problems but after a high nt we were given a 1 in 20 for DS and while I have said in the past I wouldn't terminate for this after researching both my partner and I said we would terminate so I can fully understand your decision. Therefore I stress the point that until your faced with it no-one really knows how they would deal with it and what choices they would make.

I hope you find comfort in this thread, it can be very helpful to write how you feel and know that there are people on here who know how you feel. In RL I am not a big talker.....In fact I do most of the talking on here and some to my partner, I find this helps me, I don't know anyone in RL who has ever been through anything like this and as much as my partner understands and suffers too it is nice to talk to other mothers also.

Did the hospital give you any details of charities who offer counselling you could speak to? I know many people have found ARC to be very helpful xxxx

Hello Mrsbigz- I am so so sorry, you're post has left me cold. I hope that you do get some sleep and that everything is a bit brighter tomorrow. Bluecat has put it so beautifully and I agree 100%. Regardless of sex, Eve knew how much she was loved from the very beginning and noone can take the time you spent together away from you. As Bluecat says, it was not your mistake or fault.
However I completely empathise with your shock and feeling that you're starting back at square one. I find that I mourn my loss of opportunities for the future life we would have had with our little girl (we have an amazing son who has just turned 2) and those fantasies are so different depending on gender. I think that all mothers would secretly love a little girl and that takes nothing away from our fabulous little men. I was over the moon to be expecting a little girl (we went for a sexing scan at 17 weeks and so I had nearly 10 weeks of dreaming about pink baby clothes) but that doesn't mean I wouldn't have equally adored another little boy.
I also wanted to say that your cherry tree is a beautiful tribute to Eve. Ava was born in late Jan and we have planted snowdrops to come up at her anniversary each year.

Bluecat- A bit of a diversion but I know all too well the lure of the mini eggs- I have managed to eat a whole bag today (early Easter present from my Mum- huge mistake!) So much for my health kick!

Cinnamon- thank you for your kind words and positive wishes.

And thank you all for welcoming me back to the board xx

Welcome rosielee1, I'm glad you found this board as I think it helps to talk things through. I'm so sorry that you feel so bad about your decision and just wanted to say that no-one has the right to judge you; what we did was out of love and was the right thing to do for ourselves, our families and our lost babies. My baby, Ava, had Edwards and I agree that you have no idea what you would do in a situation until you are faced with it. I was warned by the midwives not to Google her condition though due to inaccuracies and horror stories and instead to stick with SOFT and ARC websites. Please try not to punish yourself, I'm sure you're lost little one would not want you to. Take care x

Morning all!

mrsbigz - I am furious on your behalf, absolutely furious. Sorry, probably, won't be of any help at all because I'm just blown away by the sheer stupidity of the MW. I sometimes wonder if the healthcare professional involved with us in these situations realise how sensitive these situations are for the parents involved. I understand that they have been brilliant with you in all other aspects, but that does not excuse a mistake of this magnitude.

Glad Bluecat has taken over my positive hat, and I can only echo her beautiful words. Baby Eve is a very loved little lady and will have known that, will have felt it everyday. I know this will have opened healing wounds, (God! I'm getting angry again!), please don't take any guilt on for this.

If I could send you a crate of blue cheese, I would. More than that, if I could take this away from you, I do that too in a heart beat. Please take care, so glad you have taken those extra days off work xxx

Bluecat - mini egggs are eggs right? Eggs are a good source of protein. The chocolate has milk, (dairy), and cocoa beans, (pulses). Doesn't make them practically a health food? Anyway, you deserve a treat for being the positive side of the force and reminding us all of the good stuff, get a bag in!

MyangelAva/ cremegg/ Manitz/ Cherrybug - hello!

gillian - hope you are bearing up in this week leading up to your little one's funeral, and I hope the ceremony gives you the strength to move forward with a smile and beautiful memories of your baby.

rosielee1 - welcome honey! The others have put it brilliantly, but I just want to repeat, please do not feel guilt. On top of the 1000 other emotions you will be feeling right now, it will just sap any strength you have. You haven't actually lied to family and friends, baby did have a chromosonal problem, so you are telling the truth. And I think from reading any of our stories, you'll see the urge to try for another child is pretty strong for all of us. There's nothing wrong with that either, after all, all the longing for another child that led us to get pregnant with our little ones is still there. I felt terrible guilt when 4 days after my TOP, I realised I wanted to try again. I've since realise that's not because I didn't love my little one, or that I want a replacement, just I still want to be a mummy. I think you've found your way to right place here. We look after each other. And there's always lots of hugs, cheese and chocolate on offer.

Off to attempt the day's tasks; my youngest has been suffering night terrors since coming home, (mum had him while I was in hospital/ recovering as he's on the autisitc spectrum and didn't really understand what was going on, kept getting distressed by mum crying a lot), and he keeps waking screaming, 'mummy, mummy!'. Woke at 3am last night, then didn't go back to sleep 'till 6am, so we're both cream crackered. DH went off to work like a zombie. Can't wait for our hotel break now!

Big hugs to all, I hope you are okay and am sending sleepy hugs xxx

The first of the babies was born this morning and my first reaction was such excitement and then I promptly burst into tears whilst composing my congratulations text reply. I just miss my baby and she should be on her way to be a part of the little gang. I've decided that although I will remember Ava on her due date I am going to concentrate more on her birthday. I was lucky enough that Ava was born (sleeping) and her due date should not be so important to me. Although I have no doubt that I'm prob just trying to protect myself- esp as my due date was my birthday originally.

Gillianread I just wanted to say that I dreaded Ava's funeral (she too had Edwards, we lost her at 26 weeks) and my DH was actually dead against going as he thought it would be too traumatic. We had a private ceremony, just DH & I, first thing on a rainy Sat Jan morning and I am so glad we went as although I was heartbroken it did give me some sort of peace.

Mrsbigz, DH is a lawyer and he says that on the face of it you could sue due to emotional harm. I'm assuming this is the last thing you'd want to do, however I thought the info might help you to believe that this was not your fault.

Hello to everyone else and thank you for listening x

Hi cherry thanks for asking after me. Is it possible to try to hard? you know how people say relax and it will happen, have been trying to be more relaxed havent used opks cause they stressed me out last month, trying to be positive that it will happen. Anyway now on the 2ww.

Rosielee hi and welcome to the thread, its a good place to say what you think and feel and get support. Due dates are hard mine was 7th march, I ended up having a week off work, its a culmination of all the expectations and everything that was meant to be. I felt better able to let go once mine had passed. Like others have said ttc is only natural, most people on here are ttc or thinking about it, I started trying 3 months after my termination.

MyangelAva thinking of you with your due date coming up, it must be hard seeing your friends having their babies.

gillianreed hope your little ones funeral is a peaceful day.

love to everyone xx

oops I should have said wanting to ttc again is only natural

cinnamon i hope your time away goes well and you get to spend some relaxing quality time with your partner.

Hello

Ive come because i'm having a termination on Monday. I can't write alot now because its all very raw - only got my results a few hours ago - and i don't want to get all upset again as my lovely OH has been in tears but is feeling a bit stronger now. My baby has Downs. I think i'm going to need you ladies to help me in the next few days (weeks/years!) and in time i can return some strength back to those who need it hopefully xx

mrsbigz thank you for your kindness on my thread on the 'tests/results' forum. I feel desperately for you for what has just happened to you.

Welcome misty0 so sorry you find yourself here ;-( The first few days are very difficult it's such a shock being faced with a termination of a wanted pregnancy. I will be thinking of you on Monday and over the weekend. Please feel free to write whatever you feel here, it's given me enormous help over the last 10 weeks, and don't worry if you don't feel up to posting for a while xxx

cinnamondag I like the way of thinking regarding the mini eggs.....But that kind of thinking is what's got me onto this health kick in the first place ha ha and MyangelAva good work with the mini eggs have a couple for me!!

Well I decided after picking my son up from school that it would simply be wrong for me not to take advantage of this lovely weather and drove us to the seaside, even had a paddle! Managed to resist the lure of a 99 and watch my partner and son eat theirs! Saw a few pregnant woman stroking their tummies and that didn't get to me it was the new mums and their prams.....Should have been me pushing my baby round the seaside this summer....But I think little Harry is with me in spirit.

Hello to everyone else....How are we all today? Any special plans for the weekend?

mrsbigz If you're around I hope you're ok xx

Misty - so sorry to see you here, I've read some of your other posts and hoped you wouldnt get the results you have. You and your OH are going through hell but it will get easier as you move through this horrible process. I hope you can use this thread to get some support in the days and weeks to come. We all know what you are going through. I will be thinking of you on Monday. Lots of love.

Rosielee - sorry to hear of your loss. Guilt is very common and even when you know you have made the right decision it is still a very hard decision to have to live with and carry. But of course you are not a bad person and many people have made the same decision as you when in your situation. It is not just a case of considering the impact of the condition on a baby, it's thinking through their whole life, all the potential problems and the ongoing impact on your entire family. Please be kind to yourself and use this thread as much as you need.

MrsBigz - I can't imagine how much you and your DH must have been rocked by the discovery that your baby was a little girl. It's just so cruel that you have had to go through this on top of everything. I'm very upset for you. I can't believe that the hospital told you at the birth without knowing absolutely that your baby was a boy. People do make mistakes but in these circumstances there isnt really a justifiable excuse. The hospital I think need to be told what an impact such a mistake has had so that they ensure this doesn't happen again and so you get a proper apology.

Myangelava - I hope when your friends have their babies you wont find it too hard. I too have a friend who was due 1 week after my due date. She went overdue and gave birth 2 days ago. I already knew she was having a girl. Anyway, Like Can't said to me to some time ago that it might, it suddenly seemed very seperate and I genuinely feel happy for her. I hope that's the same for you. Also I hope your due date will be ok, I found mine much easier than expected as it was not associated with any memories.

Flower - You know, I kind of feel that you can try too hard, not so much that it will mean you won't concieve as a result but that it becomes about something else and causes stress and fixation on an 'achievement'. I think it's probably a better approach you've taken to ditch the OPKs. I also think your body will know when it's ready and all the OPks wont make a difference if it's not. Perhaps you should make some plans for something completely un baby related - I did that with booking a holiday and as soon as I had something else to research and plan for and realised that actually getting pregnant now wouldnt suit those plans quite so much, I got pregnant. Anyway fingers crossed for this time and hope the 2WW passes quickly.

Bluecat, Cinnamondog, Gillian, Manitz, Cremegg - hope you all have a good weekend, a bit of sunshine is such a tonic isn't it. (Although Cremegg you are luckier than the rest of us in the sunshine repsect). Of course being in Scotland the sunshine is somewhat hazy with a cool wind, unlike the glorious images we see of south of the border but you learn living here to be grateful for what you can get!

hello ladies (deep breath) i am still here simmering away although much better than i was on thursday. basically spent the majority of the evening in tears, a complete hysterical wreck (thank god for the boys as i HAD to be normal for them but as soon as they went to bed it all came out!). woke up on friday just feeling angry. no, furious. and kind of silly, in a wierd way. i never found out the gender of my 2 boys before they were born, but i did know about the disclaimer bluecat mentioned, and that they can't be 100% so i'm kicking myself for not asking the question "are you absolutely sure" to the midwife. saying that, i'd just given birth, was still feeling the effects of morphine and probably wasn't in the right frame of mind to question a health professional!!!

part of me wants to shout and scream and the hospital and kick up a royal fuss. but, that's not how i want to remember my little girl (or lose track of what is important in a sea of angry letters/phonecalls). i want my memory of her to be just that - her alone. i did ring the bereavement nurse who'd given me the news (and she DID come round as promised thurs afternoon with the report and a hug) and told her that i wanted to make sure that the situation was reported back to the staff on duty at the labour ward, so that they knew NOT to make the same mistake again. she said it was already on her agenda to feedback to them, and that (sadly) it was not the first time this had happened. i did say too though that other than that the midwife we had was wonderful and supportive so i didn't want to make a horrible fuss. but just emphasise how much this had affected us and our grieving process.

i'm still having trouble saying 'her' instead of him....i know that will come in time and it will be more natural to remember her as a little girl. i DID find a beautiful locket yesterday - much more 'girly' that the one i'd originally had in mind for Noah, so that was lovely, i bought it on the spot as i just knew it was the right one. today i've been much better (though suffering horribly from hayfever which always makes me grumpy). did have one huge and unexpected wobble though, when i popped into boots to buy some supplies for the boys and walked past the baby girls clothes......just a smack in the face that in a couple of weeks (we WERE going to find out the gender this time at the 20wk scan) i would have known we were having a girl and would have been out looking at all the pink girly items..... :(

right, me-rant over. sorry it was a bit long. now for some personals.

Rosielee, i just wanted to send you many virtual hugs at the situation you find yourself in, especially with your family. we too terminated for downs syndrome and if you'd have asked me even a couple of months ago i would have said quite confidently that i wouldn't end a pregnancy for DS. But it is only once you are in the (horrible) situation of it being true, and having to consider your family and the longterm effects.....noone can judge you until they have walked in your shoes. if this were are first child our decision may have been different, but with other children to consider (like you) our decision had to be thought out in a whole new spectrum. you have made the right choice for you and your family and that was done out of love.
And with regard to wanting to ttc another baby - that is only natural and i think you'll find most of the ladies on this board (including myself) are very keen to try again. not to replace their baby but because they had a dream to extend their family and that dream is still there.

Misty I am so so so sorry that you have found yourself over on this board. i was truly hoping that your outcome would be a positive one and you would not have to be faced with making this decision. my heart goes out to you and your partner at this difficult time :( please know i will be thinking of you on monday and praying that everything goes as smoothly and peacefully as it can in the situation. if there are any questions you have before you go in (i know that i had quite a few that the ladies on here answered for me) then please feel free to ask. you'll be in my thoughts xxx

Cinnamon thank you for your kind words (and offer of cheese!!). I'm sorry to hear your youngest has been having night terrors, that must be hard on you too. hope your weekend break is lovely and relaxing and that the night terrors resolve themselves soon.

Flower i agree that sometimes i think we can become too 'involved' in ttc. when we started ttc our ds2, i did the whole shebang, charted, used opks religiously every month. after 11 months of trying (and a lot of stress and upset every month) we decided we would have a break, i stopped the opks and charting for that month and yes - we fell pregnant! my m/c back in october was a surprise pregnancy, i had not long got AF back after having ds2. and after that m/c although we decided to ttc again, i didn't go down the charting route (although i did use opks as my cycles aren't exactly what you would call regular!) - and we fell pregnant again in december. we intend to ttc again as soon as possible (i need to!) and again i think i'll use opks but that is all....just so we know we're roughly hitting the fertile period!! i hope that you are soon blessed with another pregnancy xxxxx

MyangelAva yes thank you for understanding how i now feel knowing i was expecting a little girl. you're right, it's not that i would have loved a girl more, but i would certainly have mourned her differently in that first week. i think that's why seeing the pink baby clothes today affected me so much - before then i'd not given much thought to the 'symbols' (if that's the right word) of having a little girl - especially since everything in our house is cars / trains / blue - very boy like!!
I'm glad you were able to handle the first of your friends babies being born, i am in no doubt that it was and will continue to be very difficult for you, but pleased you were able to reply and congratulate. i think we will do the same for Eve's due date / birth day - although i know her due date will be difficult (plus she was due on the same date my father passed away 30 yrs ago) - it will be her actual 'birth' day that i think affects me the most - the day that holds all the real memories rather than the hoped for memories. I love that you planted snowdrops - a beautiful flower for a beautiful little girl.

Cherry thanks also for your kind words about baby Eve. and you're right, the sunshine is an amazing tonic - we've been thankful to have a lot of it today which has helped my frame of mind, and hope you have too!

hello to everyone else that i've missed (and sorry - fingers starting to ache now!) would just like to end on one question. it seems (fingers tightly crossed) that my bleeding is stopping and i wondered whether it was ok to try again straight away or whether it is recommended to wait until your first period before trying. i know that the healthcare professionals usually say wait until you've had a period but i thought that was mainly for dating purposes?? not that i'm expecting to get pregnant again right away (though it would be nice) BUT i have a very strong need to at least think we're trying.

thanks and speak soon xxxx