Support thread for women who are pregnant or TTC after a termination for abnormalities - Thread 6

[Treaclepie19]

Welcome to the newest thread of support for those ladies who are pregnant or trying to conceive after terminating for abnormalities. Since this thread first began (almost ten years ago!) there have been stories of heart break, sadness and fear, but from these stories there have also been stories of happiness, success and most importantly, hope. Here they are, our thread babies, and may the list continue to grow:

@Mishtabel - Bella 22/01/10
@Linspins – Franklin 22/01/10
@Shangrila – baby boy 01/02/10
@Cantdothisagain – Babycan't 12/04/10
@Katerina100 – baby boy 06/10
@NumptyMum - Josie 28/06/10
@Allstarsprincess – Frank 30/07/10
@Katiecubs - Felix 13/08/10
@GinaFB – Alexander 03/01/11
@LittlePoot - Jacob 02/02/11
@Coffeeandchocolate – Coffeebean 22/02/11
@Rushingrachel – Oliver 02/03/11
@Crazycatlady - Lawrence 08/03/11
@Dramamama - Isabella 13/03/11
@VivClicquot - Phoebe 28/04/11
@LisbethSalander - baby boy 7/11
@Stormbird – George 24/07/11
@Sarahmia – baby girl 25/07/11
@Eavers – Jacob 11/08/11
@Grandj – Eliot 01/09/11
@Babylily – Miles 05/09/11
@NatzCNL - Sienna 26/09/11
@Manitz - Sacha 28/09/11
@Cherrybug – Kade 02/11/11
@Ghislaine - Charles 14/01/12
@Mrsbigz - Callum 19/01/12
@MyangelAva - Isabella 21/1/12
@Bezzyk - Minibez II 2/2/12
@Katerina100 – baby girl 19/04/2012
@flower11 – Hannah 18/10/2012
@Bluecat83 – Noah est 24/10/2012
@katiecubs – Seth 05/02/2013
@Havingkittens – Alfred 14/04/2013
@ghislane – Frederick 22/10/2013
@lostlove – baby boy est 10/04/14
@AliBingo – baby boy est 06/05/14
@LuckyAugust –baby boy 26/01/2015

Congratulations @Mini12 lovely to hear xxx

Hello ladies, I just popped back on here after having a bit of a social media break and was so warmed to see your wonderful news, @Mini12! We were in the same TTC cohort, both seeking advice and reassurance from this really helpful board. I had a tfmr in June last year and really appreciate the support from everyone I found here. I hope it might help anyone in the thick of it right now to know that, whilst it will of course always be a painful and life changing experience, things do get easier over time. I'm currently 34 weeks pregnant and, fingers crossed, things are looking ok so far. I've been far more nervous this time, but have found myself able to relax more after getting past some of the milestone moments. I hope all the other ladies I 'met' at that time are continuing to do well and sending love and hope to everyone else who has sadly found themselves here too.

What wonderful news @Mini12 - congrats on your angel baby boy and @Mangoandbroccoli for your successful pregnancy - hope the last few weeks fly by and delivery goes smoothly.

Great news on your growth scans @Treaclepie19, hope this allows you to relax and enjoy being pregnant!

I've had a really miserable few days. I'm 4 weeks exactly from when we terminated for t18 and it's been emotionally do difficult but slowly getting there.
My bleeding was easing off, just brown spotting until this week when I've started to bleed really heavily. It's actually sudden extreme flooding and then spotting for rest of the day. Been into triage last two days, both occasions just a speculum examination and told the cervix is closed and so they don't suspect retained products and given norethisterone and tranexamic acid and told to go home. No scans to see what's going on until next week- they will call me when they have an appointment available.
This morning woke up with tiny spotting overnight but an hour later I flooded 2 large pad and then suddenly gushed out a massive amount of blood and huge clots, soaked my clothes, my legs, the carpet.

Now it's all calm again but I don't know if this is just normal? Triage seems like a waste of time and it's not life threatening so I guess I'll just see it through.
I know you mentioned you had a heavy bleed and clotting @NoCallerID - how did the doctors finally figure you had retained products?

@Dia12 I’m sorry you’re having such a horrible time. That first month is awful as you just have no idea what your body is doing. My bleeding stopped and then came back with a vengeance and pain! I was seen in GAU - given a weeks worth of antibiotics as they anticipated retained products and an infection because of it. I was told I could have a scan after that week. The antibiotics worked a treat for me as I was in pain so it stopped the pain and the heavy bleeding. The scan the following week did show retained products but they said they’d ideally like me to wait until I had a ‘proper period’ I was very lucky and my first period bought the retained product out with it
which is what they wanted. I very luckily avoided any surgical procedures but I know they do them very commonly post TFMR. If I was you I’d ask for a scan and if you have pain definitely get some antibiotics xxx

My consultant I saw in GAU did do a bit of tissue removal just by eyesight (no prep or anything) on the day I went in in pain. Think he was quite old school and said he could pull down what he could see if I wanted him to. I said yes because at that time nothing was worse than the pain I was in. I think he did me the world of good to be honest xxx

Ah @Dia12 I'm sorry you're going through this. It's so shit. Immune had only calmed down the occasional one or two days and then again as you said it would literally fish out when standing up or so.
They were quite good with me and when I first called around 6 weeks they did a scan and said they didn't think there was anything. After another almost two weeks I called again and someone else scanned me and looked back on the saved photos from last time and said it's def rpoc so gave me the option to let it go naturally or have the MVA which I then had as it hadn't moved in those two weeks and she said it could be self reproducing tissue too 🤷🏻‍♀️
Try and push for a scan, it's awful they haven't done one yet!!

Thank you both for replying and sharing your experience. It sounds like I may well have rpoc.
I'm so angry at how the hospital have not scanned me despite wasting two days there. Yesterday I was seen by a bloody junior doc who didn't really have the experience to deal with this.
Today has been a total shit show and as a result of all the accumulated stresses of recent events, DH and I have had a massive row (over other non issues). He's already apologised but I'm just seething - probably more at my situation than him. It's also our anniversary next week and he had booked annual leave in the anticipation it would be our 20w mark and we would have lots to celebrate. No baby and just tatters of a marriage.
Such a kick in the gut.

@Dia12 sorry to hear you're getting poor treatment from your hospital. First thing tomorrow morning, speak to your bereavement MW if you have one. I found they were the best people to get things arranged. They'll understand exactly your feelings and concerns and know who to bypass and go straight to see. Also, contact PALS if you have any doubts about your treatment.
As for your husband, I'd still go away for your anniversary. Between your tmfr and the eternal sh*tshow that is Covid/lockdown, you've both been under a lot of strain. Try and have a few days just to reconnect with each other. Have a bottle of wine and a heartfelt chat. I'm in a similar situation with my DH. The strain of TTC, renovations, lockdown (local still ongoing) the weather & work are really taking their toll. It's our anniversary in a week too x

@Dia12 it's so shit. Like @Kiki275 said speak to your bereavement midwife or in our case the screening midwife has been great and said any questions to call her. I even took photos of my trousers when I had one of these gushes and said to them if they didn't believe me I'll show them.
I can totally relate to the strain on the marriage. Mine was going so bad for months, mainly because he was grieving completely differently to me and I was resenting him for it. I'm honestly not surprised that marriages break down over baby/child loss. Only in the last few weeks I've managed to deal with things differently thanks to my friends mum who had a TFMR 30 years ago. She pulled me to one side and offered me her support and I broke down in tears and asked her if the guilt ever eases. And she said no, it won't. But it's better to feel guilty over the right decision than the wrong one. And ever since she said this, I'm dealing SO much better with everything. Admittedly some time has passed now, but since I'm in a better space my husband seems to be more able to talk about it, not in great detail but he doesn't pretend it never happened anymore. It was his birthday recently and he asked for a leather bracelet with our 2yos name on. I bought him the bracelet and then got two beads made with both names on, fully expecting him to only put LCs name on it. He put both on and said he even thought about it himself.
It takes time to adjust to your new normal, and the added stress of covid and other things obviously doesn't help. You're so early on still, everything is very raw but you'll get to the point where you will be able to get through the day better. Of course top priority is now to stop your bleeding. I'm not one for wasting NHS resources at any point but this is not wasting time nor resources. Please push them. If all fails, go to A&E and say you won't leave before you've had a scan. (Just a word of warning - I cried when I had my first two scans. I was stupidly expecting to see a little baby, to hear the heartbeat... despite knowing better obviously.) xx

Also meant to say, when I was going through my last chemical pregnancy (3rd consecutive) the other week I was so down and things with DH were awful so I arranged a call with ARC and they were great. Maybe speak to them too, they might have other helpful advice what to do about the poor hospital care.

Oh ladies. I'm here and reading all your comments and I don't know what to say except I've been where you are and felt the same way ❤
Things do get easier. I still get caught out now and then with a massive wave of guilt or emotion but generally I go about my life and think of Jesse often without the massive guilt and upset.
Please be kind to yourselves.
I remember feeling so detached from my DH. Especially when he didn't want to ttc. We're back to normal now. I think grief is just the hardest thing to try and do as a couple.

@Dia12 its horrid the way they've treated you. I hope you can get in touch with someone useful. For me my bereavement midwife was useless but the doctor referred me for a scan to check if I had retained products. I thonk sometimes they forget youre a human rather than just a list of symptoms.

Thank you all for your reassuring and sensible words of advice. It really has helped so much.

I'll be calling my bereavement mw on Monday. I had just lost the will to do anything yesterday despite being so scared at the bleeding. It reminded me of Carrie, the horror film. The bleeding has settled for now but I will insist on a scan.

You're so right @Treaclepie19, they do forget the emotional trauma you come in with as well the physical.

"better to feel guilty over the right decision than the wrong one" - It's a poignant and sensible way to think about it @NoCallerID. Its something I'll have to remember too. It's so touching reading about your DH, the leather bracelet is a lovely idea.
It's made me realise I just need to give my DH a hug and be more forgiving, he's suffered as much as I have.

I'm going to follow your advice @Kiki275 and book a spa break and be more proactive about reconnecting. It's already bad enough with covid, we need to find a way to enjoy life whenever we can. Hope you too can do something nice for your anniversary. There is still much to celebrate.

Awww ladies it’s heartbreaking we all go through this awful time.

@Treaclepie19 I completely agree with you that grieving as a couple is near on impossible as you will not grieve the same or at the same pace so understanding one another can be really difficult and it does put a strain on even the strongest of relationships. I remember going into a state of ‘I don’t need anyone’ even though I definitely did. @Dia12 definitely go away still reconnecting with each other is maybe just what you need as it’s sometimes really hard to remember that is was just you two before your angel baby. Also as regards to your bleeding @NoCallerID is right you need to be pushy and if turning up to A&E is what it takes than that’s what you do. I know it’s added stress you just don’t need.

Sending lots of love ladies xxxx

I can definitely recommend a weekend away with your other half. Our TFMR was 14th July and we’ve both been struggling to deal with it. Last week I booked us a weekend away for our 5 year anniversary to the spa where we had our mini moon and it was the best thing I could of done. We relaxed, drank and reconnected and it was well needed.

@Dia12 did you get any help from the bereavement MW or hospital today?x

Thank you for suggesting PALS @Kiki275 - I didn't even know they existed and it really did help. I spoke to them this morning and they did agree it was substandard and within half an hour I had radiology call me in for a scan. And surprise surprise there was a RPOC found. Really unfortunate but at least I've finally been bloody seen to before things got even more complicated. Bereavement MW was utterly useless.

I was then shuttled back to triage where I insisted that I won't be seeing a junior doc, so got seen by the prof who essentially said this needs to be treated. It won't just pass considering it's been a week of fresh bleeding and clots. So either I have more of the mesoprostol and hope that causes uterus to expel rpoc or go for surgical evacuation.

I opted for the drugs for the first instance and the prof has agreed that if it doesn't work by Wednesday then I'll have the surgical.
Uff!! Please let this be over soon 🙏

@Dia12 I was just thinking of you and came here to see if you managed to get somewhere. I'm so glad they had you straight in and really hope the drugs sort it out!

Gosh @Dia12 I'm so sorry you've had to fight so much to get sorted.
I hope the medication sorts it for you 🤞

@Dia12 I'm sorry it took that to get sorted but I'm pleased you've been acknowledged now and a treatment plan in place x

@Dia12 I’m so sorry and can’t believe you had to go via PALS to get this! At least you’re on their radar now and you have a plan. I know it’s just an extra drag having these complications. Get on the sofa with treats and just watch rubbish tele for a couple of days. Sending lots of love xx

I'm genuinely so grateful for the support and information everyone gave me here - made all the difference.

We had literally booked thu-sat away at Tylney Hall (looks gorgeous) yesterday morning...but hoping we don't need to cancel if the meds just work and surgical procedure isn't needed.
Nothing is ever simple.

Hope you're all doing well. X

@Dia12 just googled it, it looks beautiful. Hope the meds work and you get to enjoy x

Fingers crossed for you @Dia12 xx

AF made an appearance 1 day earlier than expected. So feeling a bit miserable xx

@Redhead43 one day earlier sucks but at least it's not another day of waiting for the bad news or for your fertile window to start again. Sending virtual hugs, wine & chocolate x