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Support thread for women who are pregnant or TTC after a termination for abnormalities - Thread 5

984 replies

Conorgog · 07/08/2019 10:28

Welcome to the newest thread of support for those ladies who are pregnant or trying to conceive after terminating for abnormalities. Since this thread first began (almost ten years ago!) there have been stories of heart break, sadness and fear, but from these stories there have also been stories of happiness, success and most importantly, hope. Here they are, our thread babies, and may the list continue to grow:

@Mishtabel - Bella 22/01/10
@Linspins – Franklin 22/01/10
@Shangrila – baby boy 01/02/10
@Cantdothisagain – Babycan't 12/04/10
@Katerina100 – baby boy 06/10
@NumptyMum - Josie 28/06/10
@Allstarsprincess – Frank 30/07/10
@Katiecubs - Felix 13/08/10
@GinaFB – Alexander 03/01/11
@LittlePoot - Jacob 02/02/11
@Coffeeandchocolate – Coffeebean 22/02/11
@Rushingrachel – Oliver 02/03/11
@Crazycatlady - Lawrence 08/03/11
@Dramamama - Isabella 13/03/11
@VivClicquot - Phoebe 28/04/11
@LisbethSalander - baby boy 7/11
@Stormbird – George 24/07/11
@Sarahmia – baby girl 25/07/11
@Eavers – Jacob 11/08/11
@Grandj – Eliot 01/09/11
@Babylily – Miles 05/09/11
@NatzCNL - Sienna 26/09/11
@Manitz - Sacha 28/09/11
@Cherrybug – Kade 02/11/11
@Ghislaine - Charles 14/01/12
@Mrsbigz - Callum 19/01/12
@MyangelAva - Isabella 21/1/12
@Bezzyk - Minibez II 2/2/12
@Katerina100 – baby girl 19/04/2012
@flower11 – Hannah 18/10/2012
@Bluecat83 – Noah est 24/10/2012
@katiecubs – Seth 05/02/2013
@Havingkittens – Alfred 14/04/2013
@ghislane – Frederick 22/10/2013
@lostlove – baby boy est 10/04/14
@AliBingo – baby boy est 06/05/14
@LuckyAugust –baby boy 26/01/2015

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JO138 · 10/12/2019 16:16

Thanks @mini12 and @Treaclepie19

I still feel like it's not real. I think I need to get one of the clearblue tests that spells it out because I'm still dubious of the faint line! I've not even told my DH. But to be honest it took me a few days with my previous pregnancies. It was like I didn't want to say it out loud and jinx it until I was sure!!! And allowed me to feed my apparent HPT addiction! 😋

I'm crampy again today as well which I don't think I had previously.

Will wait a couple days and test again. 🤞🤞

JO138 · 11/12/2019 11:19

Feeling positive....pardon the pun! Line seems to be getting darker! Too much time to worry while at home with sick DS

Support thread for women who are pregnant or TTC after a termination for abnormalities - Thread 5
Treaclepie19 · 11/12/2019 12:44

Looking good @JO138!!
Hope your ds feels better soon.

DinoGreen · 11/12/2019 14:21

Definitely looks like a good line @JO138.

The screening midwives never did ring me back 🙄 I think I’m just going to ring the normal booking in line tomorrow when I’ve got a day off work and see what they say.

JO138 · 11/12/2019 15:23

That's really annoying @dinogreen. Do you have other hospital options near you? I had such a horrible experience with my midwife care and DS birth that I moved hospital's for the second and the care was noticeable better. I was so upset that I didn't go there with my first! Even my regular appointment midwife called me a couple of times after my TFMR just to see how I was doing.

Hopefully they will get back to you. It's really not something that you want to be stressing about. 😕

Conorgog · 11/12/2019 16:31

Line looking good @JO138!

When will you tell your husband? Hope your DC is feeling better now, vomiting bugs are the worst. (I would probably vomit in sympathy if someone vomited near me right now)

Am off to my work Christmas party tonight, had a read of Emily Osters book expecting better in which she says you can drink a glass wine/bubbles slowly to no effect, so I will be doing that for sure!

Midwife appointment tomorrow afternoon, wish me luck ....

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DinoGreen · 11/12/2019 16:43

I do have an alternative hospital @JO138 but I feel like I should stay with the same one as last time ... both for the continuity and also because it’s a bigger hospital and has the necessary facilities to deal with most issues itself - whereas I know if I’d been at the other one last time and had the same high NT measurement etc, they don’t have a fetal medicine department and I would have had to go into London to be seen which would be a whole extra layer of stress! So I think I am best off staying put and just trying the midwives again tomorrow (normal and screening!)

Good luck for your appointment tomorrow @Conorgog! And for the Christmas party - at mine last Friday, i had a glass and a half of bubbly, drunk verrrrry slowly over a few hours.

ShootingStar2020 · 12/12/2019 06:23

@Conorgog good luck for today.

I have been away for work so can’t wait to get home to the kids. This whole experience has reinforced I want to be home all the time now. Feel really unsettled when I can’t put the kids to bed and check on them etc

I am thinking a lot about getting pregnant again. Am 40 so don’t feel I have much time. We shall see what life has in store next...xxxx

Mangoandbroccoli · 12/12/2019 08:22

Hope all goes well today @Conorgog!

I caved and tested at 12dpo this morning after feeling off and having really sharp stabbing pains in my cervix last night but got a BFN 😔 I know it's still early but have managed to get myself in a right cycle of deciding it's not EVER going to happen and that I'm being severely punished. Ok I actually feel a bit better after re-reading that and seeing how ridiculous I look. But, my god, after nearly a year of starting to try for our second I'm feeling well and truly fed up!

DH and I have decided we're going to book a massive holiday for next year when AF shows this weekend. Missed out this year for obvious reasons so hopefully it'll help soften the blow a little at least.

Conorgog · 12/12/2019 16:31

Thanks all, just had a rather frustrating booking appointment, they have said I’m not actually classed as high risk as I’m under 35 and healthy with no other issues....

The earliest they would offer NIPT would be at my 12 weeks scan, alongside a choice of a CVS - which just seems a bit insane.

I can’t be bothered fighting it, and we can afford it so Ive booked myself in for a dating scan at FMC next week and harmony test there based on how many weeks they tell me....

Only consolation is that I get my “12” week scan (booked for 06 January) done in the hospital FMU by a consultant.

🙃

@ShootingStar2020 good luck with starting to try again and thinking of you

@Mangoandbroccoli

Chin all the way up - It will happen, just probably once you have booked your big trip 😂 x

How you feeling @JO138 @DinoGreen?

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DinoGreen · 12/12/2019 17:54

Sorry about the BFN @Mangoandbroccoli but 12 dpo is still early to be testing! You never know! If not then yeah, book a big trip, that’ll do it. DH and I booked a big holiday for the end of June which we’ll now have to cancel, I’m waiting until I know everything is ok before we cancel it though!

@ShootingStar2020 hope you have a lovely night with your kids tonight.

@Conorgog that sounds really frustrating. Agree that if you can afford it, just paying privately seems to be the way to go.

I phoned up to arrange my booking in today, because of Christmas though I can’t get it in until the first week of Jan when I’ll be 9 weeks. I asked how to arrange an earlier scan and NIPT and the woman on the phone didn’t know and said to call the community midwife team ... so I called them and they said they can’t do anything until I’m booked in and to call my GP ... my GP didn’t have a clue but said they’d look into it ... then the community midwives called back and said sorry, they’d given me the wrong info, and I need to call the screening midwives (who still didn’t call me back from the message I left on Tuesday!)

So I feel like I’ve been passed from pillar to post! But I’ll give the screening midwives another try tomorrow and hope I get through to someone this time ...

JO138 · 12/12/2019 18:36

@Mangoandbroccoli I'm sorry. I know how deflating a BFFN can be. But 12 dpo is definitely early days. Fingers crossed! 🤞But a holiday sounds amazing too!

@ShootingStar2020 I know the feeling. I turned 40 in October the eve of a BFN. But really it's about health and when you are ready, I am a total hypocrite BTW, but reality is we do still have time. 😊

@dinogreen and @Conorgog That is so frustrating. I'm 40 so definitely higher risk but when I consultant explained it to me the bulk of my risk is from the previous positive T21 not my age so I don't understand why they aren't being supportive. I haven't even registered with the midwives but I called the early pregnancy department at the hospital yesterday. They called back today and I've got my 8 week scan booked early Jan and they phoned back again to confirm my Harmony test would be no charge and I can pick up the requisition form when I go in for the scan. It's so inconsistent!

I don't blame you going private @Conorgog I would do the same. It is worth it for piece of mind.

I'm just leaving the office after a very mental day and would love to put my feet up with a glass of wine. I'm shattered!

Mangoandbroccoli · 12/12/2019 22:06

Thanks so much all. I did think booking an expensive holiday would be a sure fire way to get a bfp 😂🙈 But going to wait till AF appears and if it does then I know I'll definitely be fine to fly in June so can at least have that to look forward to.

So sorry you've both been given the runaround @Conorgog and @DinoGreen, that's so frustrating. I was passed between so many different people when had complications after my tfmr and having to explain the situation every time was the worst. Have either of you tried phoning the EPU at your hospitals? They were the ones I ended back up with strangely and they were amazing. They were also the ones who told me to get back in touch directly as soon as I get pregnant again and they'll do the early scan and testing.

Conorgog · 13/12/2019 08:12

It just seems to change depending on who you get. Which is crazy, I don’t see why there isn’t a country wide pathway you get put on once you have an issue.

The midwife I had yesterday said she had no authority to book an NIPT/Harmony test and when she went to check w FMU they said, no, only at 12 weeks...

I argued that this might take away my choice if something is wrong - IE having to have a medical termination because I will be too far over dates by the time results potentially come back - and although she said she could see my point she kept going back to the computer spitting me out as “low risk”.

I tried to up my risk profile - by saying I was extremely anxious and ‘had a feeling of hopelessness’ but all that got me was a leaflet to the antenatal mental health team. 😅

Also the my dates falling over Christmas/New Year are really screwing with me - so even when I do the private harmony test - I probs won’t get results back until the 6th anyway - which is the date of my scan. Bleurgh just a giant headf@*k all round.

Off up north this weekend, will be nice to take my nauseous mind off it all.

Have a lovely weekend all! X

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JO138 · 13/12/2019 08:37

@conorgog that is just so frustrating. I feel like we are all pretty strong, and level women but I have dear friends that would literally fall apart if they were dealing with that. It could cause serious stress and anxiety for woman dealing with pregnancy and responsible for little ones. It's really annoying.

My consultant sent me an email to congratulate me on my pregnancy yesterday evening and she had her receptionist phone me midday to "assure me she hadn't abandoned me. Although the EPU she calling me she was completely involved" . And that was it, she said congratulations and goodbye She is such a godsend and knowing that she was literally there for the shittiest day of my life and I don't have to explain anything has been so reassuring. I haven't been able to see my GP since July! Everytime I call they say she's booked for 6 weeks and to phone back in 4 weeks. I finally gave up!

Enjoy your trip up North, my DH is headed up to see his folks buy I've opted for a quiet weekend at home with DS.

DinoGreen · 13/12/2019 10:17

@JO138 that’s great I’m so pleased your experience is going smoothly so far.

@Conorgog I’m sharing your frustration! I finally got through to the right team of midwives this morning and they have now booked me in for an early scan when I’m just under 9 weeks (like you, Christmas in the way complicating things). However contrary to what I was told before, she said that they do not fund the NIPT even where there has been a previous diagnosis - like your hospital are saying, she said it’s only available for a high combined test result Hmm to be fair she was very nice and sympathetic and said that in the screening team they have pushed very hard for it to be available for people in our situation, but that unfortunately the trust has refused. So, at least I know that now, and will just organise it privately.

Mangoandbroccoli · 13/12/2019 11:09

Gosh, it's such a postcode lottery isn't it?! So wrong and so frustrating.

DinoGreen · 13/12/2019 16:39

Yes @Mangoandbroccoli postcode lottery is exactly how it feels! Has your AF shown up yet?

JO138 · 13/12/2019 16:41

Hi All,

I've had a very strange afternoon off work so I decided to watch a film. BAD IDEA! Part of the central plot, it was an ensemble cast thing with parallel stories, was a woman recovering in hospital after having to deliver a still born child. Child died in utero due to anomalies. @conorgog I can actually see you mouthing WTF, why would you watch that!!?? 🤣 I was committed by the time I realised.

But I was sitting here bawling and replaying everything and it just made me realise that even being pregnant again is never going to take the pain away. Sorry, morbid and depressing, but I have been so fixated on getting pregnant again and I thought it would be the magic bullet. But here I am with hopefully a healthy pregnancy and still go in to fits if tears when I think about babies and labour wards and hospitals......

Hoping this will improve before babies, and midwives and hospitals become a weekly event. Anyway, sorry a bit doom and gloom but it's been one of those afternoons. 😭

DinoGreen · 13/12/2019 18:24

Aw @JO138 big hugs. I still can’t watch anything to do with baby loss etc. It sets me right off. I’ve been thinking about the sex of the baby as well (planning to find it out early when we have the NIPT). I never found out the sex of the baby we lost or gave it a name, but I’d wanted another boy and that’s what I imagined it to be - we had a boy’s name picked out already if it was, no girl’s name though. Now I think I want this one to be a girl (and even if it is a boy, there’s no way we’ll use that name) because it’s not just a replacement. Makes me feel so sad and guilty still to think about that baby whose life I chose to end 😢

Mangoandbroccoli · 13/12/2019 22:52

Oh ladies I'm so sorry. It's such a rollercoaster isn't it? I think we'll be forever changed in a way by our experiences. Just try to remind yourselves why you made the choices you did. ❤️

Temps have been dropping over a few days and got the telltale lower backache so just on my way home from work party after having had a thoroughly good time and lots of Prosecco 🎉

Conorgog · 14/12/2019 06:31

Oh @JO138, its so tough, sending you a big hug, (and yes, how do you know me so well, you crazy! 😂)

I don’t think the gravity of the decision made will ever go away, I think for me subsequent pregnancy has meant I’m completely unattached, and predicting worst outcomes so I don’t let myself down if something happens. Gah, there is honestly no right way to feel, and you shouldn’t feel like you can’t be sad, it was a super traumatic thing to have to go through.

Always here for you if you need, hope you have a lovely cruisy weekend with DS xxx

Sorry to hear @Mangoandbroccoli, onto the next cycle and hope you thoroughly enjoy all that delicious cold fizz!

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Treaclepie19 · 14/12/2019 19:00

😩 so today is a year since our little boy was born sleeping.
We've tried hard to make it a nice day and been for lunch and bought a birthday cake.
Unfortunately my anxiety is pretty awful and I've had a bit of a dodgy tummy and have a really sore throat. I can't believe it's been a year.
Sorry to hear that @Mangoandbroccoli Flowers
@DinoGreen I still feel guilty so often. It's really hard but we know we did the right thing in the worst circumstances.
@JO138 that sounds really tough. I do think sometimes watching the things that make us upset can help with the healing process ❤

Love to you all xxx

DinoGreen · 14/12/2019 20:27

Thinking of you @Treaclepie19. It’s nice that you’ve marked the day. Sorry to hear you’ve been feeling rough mentally and physically, I hope things improve for you.

Boo sorry it looks like AF is on its way @Mangoandbroccoli, enjoy lots of Prosecco!

Mangoandbroccoli · 14/12/2019 22:33

What a lovely way to mark such a challenging occasion @Treaclepie19 ❤️

AF arrived in full force today (seriously, temping is so insanely accurate!) so whilst I'm obviously devastated, I'm relieved not to have pickled any potential offspring in Prosecco after last night's party 😳 Already had some fun plans today so that was a lovely distraction and am feeling positive about trying again. The one thing I do find really hard is knowing there will now be an absolute minimum of a 4 year age gap and I'll officially be a 'geriatric mum' at the grand old age of 35. Not major in the grand scheme of things but it does make me feel sad about time racing on beyond my control.