AIBU to stay in a hotel rather than someone's house

There's nothing wrong with staying in a hotel, the issue is that you told accepted someone's offer to stay with them, and depending on how 'last minute' you cancelled, it's rude. If your aunt already made up the bed I'd say it was last-minute.

Go round for the takeaway then back to your lovely suite. Of course you deserve some time to yourself! People are funny about hotels. Take a nice hostess gift to your aunt but be breezy about the hotel.

I'm not sure either of you are unreasonable.

You're both grieving and different people grieve in different ways.

Your Mum and Aunt might have envisioned you all spending time together, getting a take away and supporting one another, so we're really looking forward to being together.

On the other hand you've since realised you would rather have some time on your own.

They're probably taking it personally because it's a difficult time

Could you still go for takeaway with them and then return to your hotel?

Yanbu to want to do what you are doing you are however unreasonable for the way you have put it across, that would be hurtful

Agree with @NotAnotherBathBomb , it's not rude at all if you'd not already accepted aunty's invitation. Especially if such late notice that aunty has got your bed ready.

Tell your aunt that you didn't want to be a bother and you know how stressful it is having a houseful especially at a difficult time etc.

Go round for the takeaway and then go back to your hotel.

OP,

You have my deepest sympathies both on the death and on your desire to stay in the hotel. Of course it is fine. In your shoes I would feel the same way, for similar reasons. But I would have stayed at the house because my family would also take the hotel stay as a personal rejection and I am more cowardly than you. Which feeds in to my longing for time to myself …..

I encourage you to stick to your plans, but perhaps have dinner with your DM and family, if that doesn’t compromise them too much? Best wishes

Of course its fine for you to stay in a hotel

So sorry for your loss.

Might have been better to say you decided to break the journey down with an overnight somewhere and won’t stay now….

People tend to understand rationales which are limits rather than decisions based on prefernces which can offend.

I’m the same as you - hate staying at peoples homes, always feel i’m on their schedule, their decisions, and always the guest so never myself.

Have you left home yet?

You aren’t really doing the full two days if not.

YANBU to stay in a hotel , but ideally would have told your Aunt before the day you were due to arrive.

Clearing a house, dealing with funeral arrangements etc is hard and intense work.

Your Mum and Aunt have presumably lost a parent, which is very intense, so be very sensitive to their rawness and emotions.

Explaining that you fancied a luxury weekend isn’t v sensitive.

Hmm. I think it would have been fine to say no, but is a bit rude to cancel.

You’re a bit unreasonable.

You accepted your aunt’s hospitality and haven’t told her directly you’re not staying, you’ve told your mum. That’s a bit rude of you, and you’ve put her in a difficult (and embarrassing) position.

In addition you’ve decided without telling anyone else that you’d dine alone.

As the ‘occasion’ was a family-focused one and bound up with grief, it would be natural to assume that you’d be wanting to spend social time with your family, not just the ‘duty’ time of clearing out.

It’s not unreasonable to want to stay in a hotel and treat it more like a mini break away from the kids, the issue is you didn’t communicate this in the first place (though I accept it happened fast).

Sorry for your loss.

Staying in a hotel fine, but the short notice seems unreasonable. Food may have been got in the house to include you.

I don’t think your mum is being ridiculous- she was probably looking forward to spending the time with you, so is reacting emotionally. However I think what you’re doing sounds lovely. Stick with it and maybe find some compromise like going round for the meal with them.

Basically, from your mum’s point of view you’re thinking about yourself, not thinking about others (her and your aunt).

I'm in rhe middle. Cancelling and switching to a hotel is on rude side, as you'd already made arrangements.

However, I'm totally with you as a general principle. We sometimes book hotels when seeing family- even when a hotel was the arrangements from the outset we've had folk been uppity and offended about it, but they are really oppressive hosts and it's impossible to feel comfortable staying with them, and with nowhere to escape to where we can do things on our own terms. It's much nicer all round to be able to come and go as we please with less expectation and judgement about what time we rise, how long we take in the shower etc.

Spending time with your mum and aunt would still be time away from the children but you've basically said you wouldn't enjoy being with them. That's hurtful

You’ve got 2 nights. Have a takeaway tonight and eat out on your own tomorrow, or suggest vice versa.

Normally I'd be 100% with you. I do agree with others though, the fact that you initially agreed and it sounds like readying the room and preparing for your visit has given aunt something to focus on, which has now been taken away.

What's done is done though, I'd apologise profusely and give them a bunch of flowers or something and spend time with them when you are there.

OK, fair enough.

But do treat this evening as family time - stay at theirs in the evening to eat, hang out.