AIBU to stay in a hotel rather than someone's house

204 replies

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 10:51

This may be my stance because I HATE having house guests.

Long story short - a very elderly family member has passed away. It was peaceful and pleasant and probably the nicest kind of death you could hope for of an older person if this makes sense. So, numerous members of my family are all convening at his house this weekend to start to clear things out and also make funeral arrangements. He lives 2 hours away from me. I’m going today on the train to help out, for 2 nights. DH and the kids (6&9) are staying at home.

My mum is staying at my aunty’s (her sister) house and they offered for me to stay as well as my adult cousin lives there but is away at the moment so I could use her room. I initially said yes because decisions all happened so quick, but have since looked at local hotels. I found an amazing one with a lovely suite on a really good deal (£250 for 2 nights, it’s a tourist town). DH pointed out that I’m grieving, I never get time to myself and I should enjoy being in the lap of luxury, child free, while I have the chance. He knows I also hate being a guest, even in family’s homes. I hate having to ask if it’s ok to get a drink, use the shower, etc. I also like to be able to have a long walk on an evening and don’t like to have to have people come along.

So I booked this hotel (I pay at the property and can cancel until 2pm), and messaged my mum. Who has since rang me and said it’s very rude to suddenly cancel on my Aunty, she’s made the bed up for me and they were going to get a takeaway tonight but only if there’s lots of us, there’s no point if I’m not there.

I said sorry but I wanted to be able to enjoy time away from the kids and my mum has taken this personally as if to say staying with her and Aunty isn’t going to be enjoyable.

AIBU to think she’s being ridiculous and I’m not in the wrong by staying in the suite? Also wanted to go for a meal on my own tonight, at a restaurant my family probably wouldn’t go to, and just enjoy the solitude a little bit, as it will be a pretty intense weekend. I’ll be seeing them plenty over the next 2 days so don’t feel like I have to be attached to their hips.

OP posts:

Foxglove69 · 14/01/2023 21:49

On the one hand I totally get it, you are not unreasonable to want to stay in a hotel. I do not like to (and very rarely have) stayed in other peoples houses. I went to a funeral a few years back and stayed in a b&b nothing fancy just a room above a pub. It gave me and my husband the privacy of our own space, bathroom etc and was literally just somewhere to lay our heads the night before the funeral. We did not lose site of the fact a family member had lost someone very close and was grieving, however the way you are coming across could be misinterpreted. You seem focused on a luxury suite, a nice break away, long walks and an evening meal at a nice restaurant. Whereas your family are focused on being together and supporting one another while grieving. I would stay in the hotel but play down the "lap of luxury" so as not to hurt your mum and aunty

mackthepony · 14/01/2023 22:17

Yanbu.

BIL hosted 15 people this Christmas, several of which chose to sleep on the floor of BIL's bedroom, during which SIL snored all night so no-one got any sleep. Why they didn't get a hotel is beyond me

mathanxiety · 15/01/2023 02:22

Oh come on, @LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet

Read the third paragraph of your own OP, and read back what you told your mum about the reason you're staying in the hotel.

It's a great idea to stay in the hotel, imo, but telling your mum anything about it other than 'I'm staying out of your way/ don't want to cause extra work at this difficult time' was a case of putting your foot in it.

Canuckduck · 15/01/2023 03:44

I think the reactions on this post are over the top. Your choice is valid and reasonable and makes sense. After a long, emotionally and physically demanding days it makes total sense you’ll want and need personal time. I only wish I could do this when I visit family.

You’re helping out, participating in the service and will be there for your family. You are doing enough.

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