AIBU to stay in a hotel rather than someone's house

So OP you’re going to your family, will be rolling up your sleeves pitching in cleaning and doing all practical things that need doing.

and at the end of the day you’ll be going to stay at a hotel instead of imposing on a grieving relative, expecting to be put up in a packed house with limited space.

Im actually having problem seeing what’s wrong here. OP could be staying at the Ritz but so long as she turns, behaves appropriately attends the funeral and she sounds like she will be. There’s nothing wrong with where she stays.

why should she make herself more uncomfortable than the situation calls for?

And nothing. It’s just custom/culture/societal norm, call it what you will.

I would agree it doesn’t mean much, but perhaps it does to your mum?

The hyperbole in your responses makes you sound like a petulant teenager. If you want everyone to agree with you, I find the best thing is to ask a friend who always shares your point of view rather than a bunch of strangers.

It sounds like you had reason to believe that staying in a hotel would upset your mum, so just own your decision as you're absolutely convinced that you've done nothing wrong.

I am Team OP. Not great that everything has happened at speed so her two decisions (aunt's/hotel) have come on so quickly, but if she shares the early supper with her mum/aunt she can go and get a good night's sleep, shower and breakfast and put her energy towards helping pack up the house (hope someone's thought about cardboard boxes) and shuffle stuff down to the local charity shop/arrange for furniture collection. And be an emotional support during the two days she's there. To say nothing of help planning the funeral.

But why did you post this thread? You’ve leapt down the throats of anyone who’s suggested you’re being unreasonable. Genuinely, if you’d already decided you are in the right, why on earth bother to put this on AIBU?

Step away from this post OP, it's not doing you any good.
You think you're right, other people disagree, you're not going to change your actions, so what's the point? Just leave it now.

I think she might have had one too many little cans of G and T on the train

There wouldn't be anything wrong if that had been your plan all along. But to change at the last minute is a bit off and I can see how your mum and aunt are a bit put out. You are essentially saying 'upon reflection, I would rather spend time on my own than in your company'

Oh dear OP, not going the way you expected 😂

Why ask if you don't think you're wrong?

You said in your OP: my mum has taken this personally as if to say staying with her and Aunty isn’t going to be enjoyable.

But that is in fact your opinion - you don’t enjoy staying with your mum (as you’ve just clarified in a recent post) and so it is personal, I guess.

If you know this is a sensitive topic for her - that you never stay with her when visiting because of your DH’s allergies (but really because you hate it) - then it’s not surprising this has niggled her. You’ve confirmed you’d rather always stay anywhere but with her, even when it’s just you and no husband or kids.

Whether she’s reasonable to feel this way, whether you’re reasonable to stay in a hotel not at aunties, it’s all a bit irrelevant because this is about her emotional reaction not your practical solution to accommodation.

She has perceived you are prioritising yourself over her.

You feel justified to do so.

You’re both right, but that doesn’t matter.

Hope the weekend goes OK.

Sometimes I think especially on AIBU, people gleefully try and wind up the OP and try and upset them ripping into them by making up insane scenarios.

She said yes in the evening and called the following morning to say she’d booked a hotel instead.

that’s not last minute. And the aunty would not have done my in the intervening time to be upset at the change!

She made up a bed but that's no big deal

You can still join them for take away

Its not rude. Their choice to take offence

I can see why your mum and aunt are feeling hurt. You basically told them that you see the bereavement as a chance to have some Me Time, and you let your aunt go to some trouble over you before you canceled.

I think you need to say you were feeling muddled and what you said wasn't what you really meant. Try to basically claw your way back from territory that is actually quite rude and insensitive - tell them you didn't want to get in the way or make them feel they had to cater for you at this hard time when they're already facing such a big weekend of work.

it will mean far more to me to be able to wind down in a nice solitary comfortable space than it will for my mum to have me sleeping in the room next door.

You don’t get to say how much something will mean to someone else. You can say ‘I need this space to be at my best, so I will stay elsewhere.’ You can’t say ‘You don’t have the right to be upset by my decision as my decision is the best one.’

I’m more than doing my bit otherwise so I think it’s fine for me to do what make me feel happy on a night time.

You are certainly entitled to say you can do what makes you happy. You cannot say your mum cannot feel upset about it.

Honestly, it’s fine, stay where you want/need to. But expecting other people to agree it isn’t upsetting to them is not in your wheelhouse to decide.

More than one thing can be true at a time.