AIBU to stay in a hotel rather than someone's house

But this weekend isn’t about having space away from the kids, it’s about being part of your extended family and all that it involves when someone you all loved dies. YABU.

Yeah, agreed. It's not meant to be about 'enjoying' yourself. That's an odd word to use in this context.

The idea is for family to be together and support each other, not eat out at posh restaurants etc.

I think there is a lot of backstory here.

You know you've made a mistake here OP, that's why you're being so defensive.

Presumably they're grieving too and have lost a family member, so are understandably feeling sensitive and fragile about any more fracturing of the family.

Fine to say no, but not to cancel at the last minute.

Should I be wearing black and crying loudly because I’m grieving? I don’t hate myself so I do think it’s fine to try and enjoy myself when I’m feeling sad. Should I be having a terrible time?

Does it really have to be one extreme or another? Surely no one is expecting you to rock up dressed a Victorian mourner and wailing at full volume. However, seeing a family death as an opportunity for an enjoyable mini break is insensitive and really rather strange. Most people would surely find a middle ground where it’s totally fair enough to not want to stay with your Aunt but they’d also willing spend evenings with their family, because they want to be with them during a difficult time. Or maybe there’s some huge family backstory you’re not going into. But on face value you’ve messed up, not for the hotel, but for the rest of it.

It's difficult to gauge people's responses when someone elderly passes.
I went to my DGFs funeral- he was 99 and the last 5 years of his life and my uncle who looked after him, had been spent wishing he was dead.

I was pleased to see relatives I hadn't seen for a long time at the funeral and felt it should be more of a celebration for DGFs life rather than a sad and somber event. I quickly realised I had read the room wrong and dialled back to sombre pretty quickly.

I think this is the issue here. You and your DH are multi tasking and using the event as a bit of a break for you, which is fine but shouldn't have been shared with your DM.

Even when the original plans were only made on the fly the day before that?

Honestly I don't think it's rude at all to remove yourself as an additional guest in the home of someone who is grieving and already has a number of guests to deal with.

Bearing in mind that it's OP's Mum who has spoken and objected on behalf of the host. The host herself could be quietly relieved to have one less guest for all we know.

Well yes indeed, OP should at least speak to the host herself.

I don’t disagree that you should stay in a hotel if that’s your preference, it’d be mine too. I hate staying at others houses and very much prefer my own space. But it could come across that you’re trying to shoehorn in a treat for yourself when the focus for the rest of your family is the bereavement and it’s raised some eyebrows. Emotions are going to be heightened all round, I’d just turn up with a box of chocolates for your auntie to apologise for the confusion, stay for a takeaway to do the family stuff then retreat to the hotel.

I have to eat somewhere. I have to stay somewhere. I may as well be somewhere and eat somewhere where I’m going to be happy or get pleasure.

And if you’re expressing it (even unwittingly) in these terms to your mum and wider family, don’t be surprised if they act upset or make pass-agg comments about how you don’t like them.

Ultimately, do as you please, of course, but you asked if you could seem to be unreasonable and I think yes, on this particular occasion you seem a bit unreasonable to appear to prioritise your own wishes over your mum’s.

Oh, and kudos to your DH who sounds like a really thoughtful, loving man.

I also remember when we got the news my uncle had died, heart attack whilst climbing a hill on holiday with his younger second DW.

I thought it was a great way to go and when it's my turn, I would want it to happen suddenly on holiday after a life well enjoyed, but my DM was very questioning on the causes and how sudden it was and was there going to be an autopsy so clearly she didn't feel the same way about it.

You do seem to have a tendency to be direct - which I normally think is a good thing- but on this occasion when you're there I'd try to think about what people what to hear and have some stock platitudes ready for use.