Page 4 | AIBU to stay in a hotel rather than someone's house

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 2023-01-14T10:51:23+00:00

This may be my stance because I HATE having house guests. Long story short - a very elderly family member has passed away. It was peaceful and pleasant and probably the nicest kind of death you could hope for of an older person if this makes sense. So, numerous members of my family are all convening at his house this weekend to start to clear things out and also make funeral arrangements. He lives 2 hours away from me. I’m going today on the train to help out, for 2 nights. DH and the kids (6&9) are staying at home. My mum is staying at my aunty’s (her sister) house and they offered for me to stay as well as my adult cousin lives there but is away at the moment so I could use her room. I initially said yes because decisions all happened so quick, but have since looked at local hotels. I found an amazing one with a lovely suite on a really good deal (£250 for 2 nights, it’s a tourist town). DH pointed out that I’m grieving, I never get time to myself and I should enjoy being in the lap of luxury, child free, while I have the chance. He knows I also hate being a guest, even in family’s homes. I hate having to ask if it’s ok to get a drink, use the shower, etc. I also like to be able to have a long walk on an evening and don’t like to have to have people come along. So I booked this hotel (I pay at the property and can cancel until 2pm), and messaged my mum. Who has since rang me and said it’s very rude to suddenly cancel on my Aunty, she’s made the bed up for me and they were going to get a takeaway tonight but only if there’s lots of us, there’s no point if I’m not there. I said sorry but I wanted to be able to enjoy time away from the kids and my mum has taken this personally as if to say staying with her and Aunty isn’t going to be enjoyable. AIBU to think she’s being ridiculous and I’m not in the wrong by staying in the suite? Also wanted to go for a meal on my own tonight, at a restaurant my family probably wouldn’t go to, and just enjoy the solitude a little bit, as it will be a pretty intense weekend. I’ll be seeing them plenty over the next 2 days so don’t feel like I have to be attached to their hips.

FlounderingFruitcake · 14/01/2023 12:50

Who said I’m looking for ‘an opportunity to enjoy a mini break’.
Staying in a hotel suite, enjoying luxury, enjoying yourself, dinner on your own in a nice restaurant, break from the kids. Maybe it’s not your intention but it does sound like you’re trying to combine the family stuff with a nice mini break because otherwise why mention all of that. Clearly I’m wrong but maybe your mum also got the same incorrect impression and that’s why she’s upset with you. If you’d left it at ‘I prefer my own space, want to get some rest after a busy day and not having to ask to shower’ then I would 100% agree with you.

I get it’s complicated from an emotional standpoint when you’re dealing with a ‘good death’ (my grandmother was the same) but using the word ‘enjoy’ probably isn’t the best idea so I’d avoid saying that to try to keep the peace with your mum. Relenting on the takeaway tonight is a good shout too, hopefully your mum and aunt will be fine when you get there.

SerenaTee · 14/01/2023 12:51

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 12:32

I don’t know where the idea that I’ve told them I’m treating myself has come from. I said I’d booked a hotel to not invade their space and to get a bit of peace whilst I’m away from the kids.

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On page 1 you say “I said I wanted a bit of space and to enjoy rare time away from the kids.” so it’s not a massive stretch for this to be taken to mean you’re treating yourself - you really are splitting hairs here OP. As I said, I don’t disagree with your choice but come on, surely you can appreciate how it may be interpreted by your family (rightly or wrongly).

rookiemere · 14/01/2023 12:51

OP I would suggest you use this stock phrase if it's brought up when you get there " I booked the hotel as I thought under the circumstances, it was the best solution for everyone." and do not be drawn into further discussion.

Technically everything you have said is correct, but someone has died, emotions may be high, so just try not to justify further, as to be frank the more you say, the worse it sounds.

Original poster

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 12:51

Zombiemum1946 · 14/01/2023 12:42

It's only 2 days and your mum wants to be with you at this time. It won't end your anxiety but focus on having done the right thing by your family especially your mum. If you really want time away, book a weekend for another time therefore not having to worry about offending anyone.

With respect you don’t know me or what will ease my anxiety.

Today is gonna be tough. In eternity posting on MN I’m Googling Bible verses on the train (no idea which one to bloody pick that I wonder cock up reading in the day) and messaging family members with updates etc, doing what I can whilst I’m not at the house. When I get there it’s gonna be tip runs, heavy lifting packing things away (he was something of a hoarder, there’s lots to do) making phone calls etc.

It WILL ease my anxiety to be able to go and unwind on my own, watch some rubbish TV and read my book. It’s exactly what I need. Sitting in a house I don’t want to especially be will not ease my anxiety. And I don’t think I’m doing the wrong thing at all. I don’t think putting 99% effort in but not doing the other 1% someone else wants me to do is doing the wrong thing

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Original poster

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 12:52

Iwantmyoldnameback · 14/01/2023 12:48

Not sure why you bothered posting you
obviously have no intention of changing your plans.

Because my question was not ‘should I change my plans’. HTH.

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BloodAndFire · 14/01/2023 12:52

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 12:32

I don’t know where the idea that I’ve told them I’m treating myself has come from. I said I’d booked a hotel to not invade their space and to get a bit of peace whilst I’m away from the kids.

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I found an amazing one with a lovely suite on a really good deal (£250 for 2 nights, it’s a tourist town). DH pointed out that I’m grieving, I never get time to myself and I should enjoy being in the lap of luxury, child free, while I have the chance.

the language used here is just really off in the context of a family dealing with death.

Amazing
Lovely
enjoy
Lap of luxury
really good deal

This just isn't how most people would think in relation to a bereavement.

Original poster

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 12:55

FlounderingFruitcake · 14/01/2023 12:50

Who said I’m looking for ‘an opportunity to enjoy a mini break’.
Staying in a hotel suite, enjoying luxury, enjoying yourself, dinner on your own in a nice restaurant, break from the kids. Maybe it’s not your intention but it does sound like you’re trying to combine the family stuff with a nice mini break because otherwise why mention all of that. Clearly I’m wrong but maybe your mum also got the same incorrect impression and that’s why she’s upset with you. If you’d left it at ‘I prefer my own space, want to get some rest after a busy day and not having to ask to shower’ then I would 100% agree with you.

I get it’s complicated from an emotional standpoint when you’re dealing with a ‘good death’ (my grandmother was the same) but using the word ‘enjoy’ probably isn’t the best idea so I’d avoid saying that to try to keep the peace with your mum. Relenting on the takeaway tonight is a good shout too, hopefully your mum and aunt will be fine when you get there.

As I have already said I haven’t boasted about the suite to my mum. Or said “Ooh a lovely mini break”. I did express that I rarely get time alone away from the kids (which she knows I crave) and want to have peace. I don’t think that exactly conjures an image of me having a fantastic time living life to the full.

Funnily enough the relative who’s died would strongly encourage me to enjoy myself and celebrate his life and not wallow. He’d also tell me to tell my mum to bugger off (he was direct too 🤣). He was just like that!

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Original poster

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 12:55

SerenaTee · 14/01/2023 12:51

On page 1 you say “I said I wanted a bit of space and to enjoy rare time away from the kids.” so it’s not a massive stretch for this to be taken to mean you’re treating yourself - you really are splitting hairs here OP. As I said, I don’t disagree with your choice but come on, surely you can appreciate how it may be interpreted by your family (rightly or wrongly).

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And you must realise that I haven’t expressed to my family that I’m looking forward to a rip roaring time

OP posts:

Original poster

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 12:56

rookiemere · 14/01/2023 12:51

OP I would suggest you use this stock phrase if it's brought up when you get there " I booked the hotel as I thought under the circumstances, it was the best solution for everyone." and do not be drawn into further discussion.

Technically everything you have said is correct, but someone has died, emotions may be high, so just try not to justify further, as to be frank the more you say, the worse it sounds.

TBH I don’t plan on bringing it up at all when I get there. There’s no need.

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OrdinaryAva · 14/01/2023 12:58

Oh dearie me, you have fucked up big time here! Using words like luxury, amazing, & enjoy, indeed. You are on MN now, so stop this positivity & making the best out of a sad situation. I hate being a guest & having guests so I get you, but also I think your mom’s a bit of a one here so you need a breather from her. The bed that your aunt made up will keep for when your cousin gets back, or for another guest. This is only a problem in your mom’s head. I’m glad it was a peaceful death, not many are apart from on TV. You’ve turned up to help which is more than most people would’ve done. Take care of yourself.

Susanthehappytrottingelf · 14/01/2023 12:58

What exactly did you say to your mum?

If it was anything like you sound on here, I would be pretty upset if I were here.

Did you say "I want to eat on my own to get some peace" ? That's pretty rude.

I am an introvert myself and I do understand that sometimes it gets too much and you want to be away from people but there are better ways to handle it. In your position, I would have gone for a shorter amount of time and built in some time on the way back to chill out, maybe gone to a cafe on the way home.

Original poster

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 12:59

BloodAndFire · 14/01/2023 12:52

I found an amazing one with a lovely suite on a really good deal (£250 for 2 nights, it’s a tourist town). DH pointed out that I’m grieving, I never get time to myself and I should enjoy being in the lap of luxury, child free, while I have the chance.

the language used here is just really off in the context of a family dealing with death.

Amazing
Lovely
enjoy
Lap of luxury
really good deal

This just isn't how most people would think in relation to a bereavement.

Show quote history

Sorry.

I’ll cancel it, sit in a puddle and self flagellate instead. Then I will wear black for a year.

Meanwhile in the real world, if I have to stay somewhere I wanna stay somewhere nice and comfortable and <gasp> also luxurious. Genuine question - what’s wrong with that? What kind of room should I be staying in?

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Original poster

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 13:00

Susanthehappytrottingelf · 14/01/2023 12:58

What exactly did you say to your mum?

If it was anything like you sound on here, I would be pretty upset if I were here.

Did you say "I want to eat on my own to get some peace" ? That's pretty rude.

I am an introvert myself and I do understand that sometimes it gets too much and you want to be away from people but there are better ways to handle it. In your position, I would have gone for a shorter amount of time and built in some time on the way back to chill out, maybe gone to a cafe on the way home.

RTFT (or at least my posts) and you will see exactly what I said to her, I’m not re-typing it

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BloodAndFire · 14/01/2023 13:01

OrdinaryAva · 14/01/2023 12:58

Oh dearie me, you have fucked up big time here! Using words like luxury, amazing, & enjoy, indeed. You are on MN now, so stop this positivity & making the best out of a sad situation. I hate being a guest & having guests so I get you, but also I think your mom’s a bit of a one here so you need a breather from her. The bed that your aunt made up will keep for when your cousin gets back, or for another guest. This is only a problem in your mom’s head. I’m glad it was a peaceful death, not many are apart from on TV. You’ve turned up to help which is more than most people would’ve done. Take care of yourself.

I always turn up to muck in when friends or family are bereaved. I expect it to be a bit chaotic, exhausting, uncomfortable, awkward etc. I just wouldn't be thinking in those terms (enjoyment, luxury, amazing deal).

Original poster

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 13:01

I would have gone for a shorter amount of time and built in some time on the way back to chill out, maybe gone to a cafe on the way home.

What? I should be LESS useful for the sake of going to a cafe?! Why would I go to a cafe?

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SerenaTee · 14/01/2023 13:02

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 12:55

And you must realise that I haven’t expressed to my family that I’m looking forward to a rip roaring time

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I’m not sure you’re getting the point I’m trying to make, and I really don’t want to bicker with anyone, least of all someone going through a tough time. I agree you should stay in a hotel if that’s your preference, I’m just trying to point out how it could have been interpreted based on what you said you’d said to your mum.

I hope this is all a storm in a teacup and the weekend goes as best as it can.

BloodAndFire · 14/01/2023 13:03

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 12:59

Sorry.

I’ll cancel it, sit in a puddle and self flagellate instead. Then I will wear black for a year.

Meanwhile in the real world, if I have to stay somewhere I wanna stay somewhere nice and comfortable and <gasp> also luxurious. Genuine question - what’s wrong with that? What kind of room should I be staying in?

Show quote history

Look, you clearly don't get it. That's fine. Do whatever you want, it's your life and your family who are understandably upset.

But keep making stupid comments about Victorians and puddles if it amuses you.

Original poster

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 13:04

BloodAndFire · 14/01/2023 13:01

I always turn up to muck in when friends or family are bereaved. I expect it to be a bit chaotic, exhausting, uncomfortable, awkward etc. I just wouldn't be thinking in those terms (enjoyment, luxury, amazing deal).

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Well good for you?

Im mucking in, and then some, and ALSO spending an evening in a nice hotel suite.

Ill ask again - if I’m to stay somewhere where should I stay?

I think our attitudes towards death are bloody weird (is it a British thing?). This perception that death must make us Al so so very sad for a very, very long time to the point it’s offensive to use words like ‘enjoy’ and ‘amazing’. In other cultures death is treated very differently, and in context, being so morose and purposefully self deprecating is quite a bizarre behaviour.

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Susanthehappytrottingelf · 14/01/2023 13:04

I have read your posts - you haven't said what you said to your mum about eating alone.

If you come across like you do on here to your family, I am surprised they even speak to you

NoSquirrels · 14/01/2023 13:04

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 12:40

But why are my mum’s wishes more important than mine? I’m showing up, I’m putting physical work in, I’m doing my bit rather than just saying ‘see you at the funeral’. I’m not slacking or being lazy or unhelpful - is it so terrible to expect after long days to have a bit of space for myself

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Because she was a closer relative to the deceased.

Original poster

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 13:04

SerenaTee · 14/01/2023 13:02

I’m not sure you’re getting the point I’m trying to make, and I really don’t want to bicker with anyone, least of all someone going through a tough time. I agree you should stay in a hotel if that’s your preference, I’m just trying to point out how it could have been interpreted based on what you said you’d said to your mum.

I hope this is all a storm in a teacup and the weekend goes as best as it can.

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I’ve said to my mum I don’t want to invade anyone’s space and I want to be able to get peace away from the kids.

Anyone interpreting that as me having a fantastic time is frankly odd.

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Original poster

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 13:05

BloodAndFire · 14/01/2023 13:03

Look, you clearly don't get it. That's fine. Do whatever you want, it's your life and your family who are understandably upset.

But keep making stupid comments about Victorians and puddles if it amuses you.

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No, I don’t get it - are you going to explain? Where should I be staying? Somewhere awful?

And my family aren’t upset. My mum is being snarky and claiming that I am being rude. No indication whatsoever that anyone is upset.

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BloodAndFire · 14/01/2023 13:06

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 13:04

Well good for you?

Im mucking in, and then some, and ALSO spending an evening in a nice hotel suite.

Ill ask again - if I’m to stay somewhere where should I stay?

I think our attitudes towards death are bloody weird (is it a British thing?). This perception that death must make us Al so so very sad for a very, very long time to the point it’s offensive to use words like ‘enjoy’ and ‘amazing’. In other cultures death is treated very differently, and in context, being so morose and purposefully self deprecating is quite a bizarre behaviour.

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I'm not British, nor from a Christian background, and my culture deals with death in an entirely different way.

So this doesn't really work.

In my culture it would be really offensive to not wear black and to not observe all of the traditional mourning practices, such as covering mirrors and not playing music, etc.

But whatever.

BloodAndFire · 14/01/2023 13:06

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 13:05

No, I don’t get it - are you going to explain? Where should I be staying? Somewhere awful?

And my family aren’t upset. My mum is being snarky and claiming that I am being rude. No indication whatsoever that anyone is upset.

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Stay with your family, like they asked you to? Just a wild guess.

OrdinaryAva · 14/01/2023 13:08

@BloodAndFire You beat me to it, but you are thinking negatively whilst me & the OP are thinking positively. Death is not always doom & gloom. She wants to do her best, & won’t be able to if it’s overcrowded, & everyone’s moaning & groaning. It’s a trying time for all.