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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to stay in a hotel rather than someone's house

204 replies

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 10:51

This may be my stance because I HATE having house guests.

Long story short - a very elderly family member has passed away. It was peaceful and pleasant and probably the nicest kind of death you could hope for of an older person if this makes sense. So, numerous members of my family are all convening at his house this weekend to start to clear things out and also make funeral arrangements. He lives 2 hours away from me. I’m going today on the train to help out, for 2 nights. DH and the kids (6&9) are staying at home.

My mum is staying at my aunty’s (her sister) house and they offered for me to stay as well as my adult cousin lives there but is away at the moment so I could use her room. I initially said yes because decisions all happened so quick, but have since looked at local hotels. I found an amazing one with a lovely suite on a really good deal (£250 for 2 nights, it’s a tourist town). DH pointed out that I’m grieving, I never get time to myself and I should enjoy being in the lap of luxury, child free, while I have the chance. He knows I also hate being a guest, even in family’s homes. I hate having to ask if it’s ok to get a drink, use the shower, etc. I also like to be able to have a long walk on an evening and don’t like to have to have people come along.

So I booked this hotel (I pay at the property and can cancel until 2pm), and messaged my mum. Who has since rang me and said it’s very rude to suddenly cancel on my Aunty, she’s made the bed up for me and they were going to get a takeaway tonight but only if there’s lots of us, there’s no point if I’m not there.

I said sorry but I wanted to be able to enjoy time away from the kids and my mum has taken this personally as if to say staying with her and Aunty isn’t going to be enjoyable.

AIBU to think she’s being ridiculous and I’m not in the wrong by staying in the suite? Also wanted to go for a meal on my own tonight, at a restaurant my family probably wouldn’t go to, and just enjoy the solitude a little bit, as it will be a pretty intense weekend. I’ll be seeing them plenty over the next 2 days so don’t feel like I have to be attached to their hips.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 14/01/2023 13:50

YANBU to want to stay in a hotel, but I don't think that's what has upset your mum and aunt.

NoSquirrels · 14/01/2023 13:52

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 13:50

You’ve confirmed you’d rather always stay anywhere but with her, even when it’s just you and no husband or kids

It’s not personal - I don’t like staying with anyone, and always stay in hotels or don’t go when I visit people. For reasons I stated in my OP

But your mum thinks it is personal!

frazzledasarock · 14/01/2023 13:52

Is the aunt upset though?

CeriB82 · 14/01/2023 13:52

Who cares what others think? Stay at the hotel, you dint need to explain to anyone.

Original poster
LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 13:53

mathanxiety · 14/01/2023 13:49

I can see why your mum and aunt are feeling hurt. You basically told them that you see the bereavement as a chance to have some Me Time, and you let your aunt go to some trouble over you before you canceled.

I think you need to say you were feeling muddled and what you said wasn't what you really meant. Try to basically claw your way back from territory that is actually quite rude and insensitive - tell them you didn't want to get in the way or make them feel they had to cater for you at this hard time when they're already facing such a big weekend of work.

You need to read my posts properly.

My Aunty isn’t upset. I didn’t say “ooh what a lovely opportunity for some me time.” The only ‘me time’ will be the evening when we are all too knackered to carry on cleaning the house out. Perfectly reasonable I should spend that in a botel

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 14/01/2023 13:56

You wanted perspective over your mum’s reaction, you say - but you don’t seem at all willing to accept that her reaction (even if unreasonable) is allowed. People can feel unreasonable things. You don’t have to agree, but it’s wise not to dismiss their emotions completely if you care about that person.

Original poster
LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 14:01

You don’t get to say how much something will mean to someone else. You can say ‘I need this space to be at my best, so I will stay elsewhere.’ You can’t say ‘You don’t have the right to be upset by my decision as my decision is the best one.’

OK…knowing me and knowing my mum, I have deduced that in the war of ‘who gets their way’, it’s far more beneficial for me to have space in a hotel to sleep than it is for her to have me in the room next door.

Logically speaking too - my mum doesn’t gain much from where I sleep, but I do.

You think she should get her way.
I think I should get my way.

Someone has to ‘lose’ and on the balance of how much we will all be doing in the day I think it’s fair that on ONE occasion where the impact will be minimal, I should get my way.

But since when was it ok for people to demand others always dance to their tune? We wouldn’t tell a woman to let her husband dictate her every move but my mum can? I actually feel like at this point it’s more about sticking the boot in to me than anything you actually believe.

OP posts:
Original poster
LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 14:02

You are certainly entitled to say you can do what makes you happy. You cannot say your mum cannot feel upset about it.

Honestly, it’s fine, stay where you want/need to. But expecting other people to agree it isn’t upsetting to them is not in your wheelhouse to decide.

You are correct but I cannot control other people’s feelings on the perfectly reasonable things I do, nor is it my responsibility

OP posts:
Original poster
LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 14:03

mathanxiety · 14/01/2023 13:50

YANBU to want to stay in a hotel, but I don't think that's what has upset your mum and aunt.

What do you think has upset them?

My aunt isn’t upset as far as I know. Mum hasn’t said “your Aunty is upset” just that she (mum) thinks staying in a hotel is rude and Aunty made the bed up

OP posts:
Original poster
LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 14:04

NoSquirrels · 14/01/2023 13:52

But your mum thinks it is personal!

Show quote history

Like I’ve said I can’t control other people’s feelings. I’ve said I want to not invade their space and to enjoy some peace away from the kids. Which is true. It’s not my responsibility if mum reads that as “Lydia hates me”

OP posts:
Original poster
LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 14:04

frazzledasarock · 14/01/2023 13:52

Is the aunt upset though?

No. She isn’t.

OP posts:
Original poster
LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 14:06

NoSquirrels · 14/01/2023 13:56

You wanted perspective over your mum’s reaction, you say - but you don’t seem at all willing to accept that her reaction (even if unreasonable) is allowed. People can feel unreasonable things. You don’t have to agree, but it’s wise not to dismiss their emotions completely if you care about that person.

She can absolutely react however she likes, to anything - but it doesn’t mean it’s my job to appease her especially when the reaction is ridiculous or disproportionate

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 14/01/2023 14:09

Nobody said you needed to appease her. Pretty much everyone says stay at the hotel.

But your AIBU was ‘an I bring unreasonable to think she’s being ridiculous?’ and a lot of people have tried to say yes, you’re being unreasonable to be totally dismissive of her reaction (for a variety of reasons).

Tomatoblush · 14/01/2023 14:11

My god I’m exhausted for you OP. Just reading the shitty replies have worn me down so I can imagine what you are feeling.
Anyone would think you were evil personified the way people have been going on.

How many posts do we read about sticking up for yourself and not always doing things you don’t want to do to avoid upsetting the Apple cart.
Good for you and enjoy the peace and quiet of the hotel.
You are definitely NOT being unreasonable

NoSquirrels · 14/01/2023 14:12

You think she should get her way.
I think I should get my way.

I do not think your mum should ‘get her way’.

This seems to be the crux of the issue- you wish to ‘win’ something but this is an unwinnable issue.

Your mum is entitled to be upset, unreasonably or otherwise.

You are entitled to stay elsewhere despite her feelings.

Original poster
LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 14:13

NoSquirrels · 14/01/2023 14:09

Nobody said you needed to appease her. Pretty much everyone says stay at the hotel.

But your AIBU was ‘an I bring unreasonable to think she’s being ridiculous?’ and a lot of people have tried to say yes, you’re being unreasonable to be totally dismissive of her reaction (for a variety of reasons).

OK, if it was your mum how would you react to her? Not being shitty, genuinely curious.

OP posts:
UncleHerbie · 14/01/2023 14:17

Lydia, sorry for your loss. I would be doing exactly the same as you. You are more than pulling your weight so ignore your mother’s huffiness and enjoy the peace and quiet tonight and tomorrow

Original poster
LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 14:18

NoSquirrels · 14/01/2023 14:12

You think she should get her way.
I think I should get my way.

I do not think your mum should ‘get her way’.

This seems to be the crux of the issue- you wish to ‘win’ something but this is an unwinnable issue.

Your mum is entitled to be upset, unreasonably or otherwise.

You are entitled to stay elsewhere despite her feelings.

OK…. in my view her upset is disproportionate and you seem to be implying I should stay somewhere I don’t wanna stay just to ease her upset? Maybe she should let it go so that I’m not upset and uncomfortable staying in a place I don’t want to?

The way I see it - nothing changes for her if I stay in a hotel. Whereas if she ‘gets her way’ (for want of a better term) then that upheaves me and puts me in a situation I’m actively uncomfortable in. She will not at any point be uncomfortable if I don’t stay at my aunty’s. Therefore logically it makes more sense for me to ‘get my way’. Doesn’t it?

And FWIW I don’t think anyone is ‘entitled’ to be upset about someone else’s choices that don’t impact them whatsoever.

OP posts:
Inastatus · 14/01/2023 14:19

I think you are massively exaggerating things that people are saying. No one expects you to self flagellate in a puddle, wear black for the rest of the year, stay in a shoe box or any such nonsense. I think the more sensitive posters can see how your mum might have got a bit upset when you told her that you didn’t want to stay with your aunt because you wanted to enjoy your time away from the kids which is what you said in your first post. Your mum has obviously taken that to mean that you would not enjoy yourself if you stayed with her at your Aunty’s and it is the truth but you should have been more sensitive in your approach. It would have been much better to use the ‘I don’t want to invade anyone’s space’ excuse at the outset.

You also initially said you weren’t going to go for the takeaway because you would prefer to eat out on your own at a nice restaurant. I can see how that would have hurt your mum and I’m glad you have changed your mind about that.

NoSquirrels · 14/01/2023 14:20

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 14:13

OK, if it was your mum how would you react to her? Not being shitty, genuinely curious.

Show quote history

I can imagine my mum doing this, and being upset if I’d changed the plan. I almost certainly wouldn’t have changed the plan, but that’s irrelevant.

My mum would be upset on the basis of time spent socially together (you’ve addressed this by offering to still go for takeaway) and the perceived embarrassment of 1) having arranged something on my behalf that now needed to be unarranged and 2) potentially the optics with her sister that her daughter didn’t want to spend time specifically with her.

In terms of how I’d react, I’d just try to smooth it over in person with all the practical reasons (sleep, overcrowding at aunty’s), be very breezy and helpful ;as you’re planning to do) and maybe try to make sure I made a bit of time for my mum in particular, like getting a coffee with her on her own.

I wouldn’t react to her reaction, which it seems you’re doing.

pristinesurfacesGBTD · 14/01/2023 14:20

So what if the beds made up. Cousin will use it when they return home.

Stay in the hotel and resist / ignore the emotional blackmail, you relax and let them stew. They'll get over it.

Original poster
LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 14:21

It would have been much better to use the ‘I don’t want to invade anyone’s space’ excuse at the outset.

I did, I said it in my message.

But point taken about sensitivity

OP posts:
Original poster
LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 14:21

You also initially said you weren’t going to go for the takeaway because you would prefer to eat out on your own at a nice restaurant. I can see how that would have hurt your mum

I didn’t say this to my mum. I just listed that in the reasons I wanted to be alone in a hotel room.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 14/01/2023 14:22

OK…. in my view her upset is disproportionate and you seem to be implying I should stay somewhere I don’t wanna stay just to ease her upset?

No! I am saying STAY WHERE YOU WANT TO. I’m not sure how to be clearer about that.

I am merely saying it is ALSO okay that your mum feels differently so don’t make it a battle where one side is ‘right’ and the other ‘wrong’.

You feel differently. Accept it and move on.

Original poster
LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 14:23

@NoSquirrels I arranged plans are just saying ‘Lydia isn’t staying here now’. But I am reacting by explaining my stance to her - I’m not going to labour the point because other more important things need to be done today.

OP posts:
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