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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to stay in a hotel rather than someone's house

204 replies

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 10:51

This may be my stance because I HATE having house guests.

Long story short - a very elderly family member has passed away. It was peaceful and pleasant and probably the nicest kind of death you could hope for of an older person if this makes sense. So, numerous members of my family are all convening at his house this weekend to start to clear things out and also make funeral arrangements. He lives 2 hours away from me. I’m going today on the train to help out, for 2 nights. DH and the kids (6&9) are staying at home.

My mum is staying at my aunty’s (her sister) house and they offered for me to stay as well as my adult cousin lives there but is away at the moment so I could use her room. I initially said yes because decisions all happened so quick, but have since looked at local hotels. I found an amazing one with a lovely suite on a really good deal (£250 for 2 nights, it’s a tourist town). DH pointed out that I’m grieving, I never get time to myself and I should enjoy being in the lap of luxury, child free, while I have the chance. He knows I also hate being a guest, even in family’s homes. I hate having to ask if it’s ok to get a drink, use the shower, etc. I also like to be able to have a long walk on an evening and don’t like to have to have people come along.

So I booked this hotel (I pay at the property and can cancel until 2pm), and messaged my mum. Who has since rang me and said it’s very rude to suddenly cancel on my Aunty, she’s made the bed up for me and they were going to get a takeaway tonight but only if there’s lots of us, there’s no point if I’m not there.

I said sorry but I wanted to be able to enjoy time away from the kids and my mum has taken this personally as if to say staying with her and Aunty isn’t going to be enjoyable.

AIBU to think she’s being ridiculous and I’m not in the wrong by staying in the suite? Also wanted to go for a meal on my own tonight, at a restaurant my family probably wouldn’t go to, and just enjoy the solitude a little bit, as it will be a pretty intense weekend. I’ll be seeing them plenty over the next 2 days so don’t feel like I have to be attached to their hips.

OP posts:
Toomanywaterwipes · 14/01/2023 11:17

I'm sorry for your loss.
Accepting the invitation and then refusing to stay last minute is hurtful. Better if you had mentioned hotel straightaway. Your aunt will have gone to some trouble to prepare the room for you by now. It will seem to them that you don't want their company or that her house isn't good enough for you now.

Changingplace · 14/01/2023 11:19

I think it’s fine to stay at a hotel, and 6 people staying is a lot - but go round for the takeaway tonight.

QueSyrahSyrah · 14/01/2023 11:19

Last minute change of plan aside (and I don't think someone having made a bed up is a big deal in the grand scheme of things) YANBU.

I like to have my own space to retreat to, and even when visiting my parents I choose to book a hotel for the breathing space and independence of getting up / going to bed when I choose, not when they do.

I think your Mum might just be over sensitive at the moment given the circumstances; the part about not bothering with a takeaway now when there'll still be 5 people in the house is just plain silly.

Some people just don't understand wanting space either; the first time we were due to visit DH's family in another country I insisted we book a hotel rather than stay as part of 13 people in a 4 bedroom house (!) and he still hadn't dare tell his Sister when covid cancelled it all, because she'd have gone mad at the imagined snub. Thankfully now people have moved and nobody has the space for us so future rows avoided!

Condolences for your loss OP, best wishes for getting through the weekend and I hope you have some lovely moments of quiet and peace in your suite x

Talia99 · 14/01/2023 11:21

Nothing at all wrong with staying in a hotel; not very nice to accept your aunt’s invitation then blow her off for something you like better, particularly after she’s gone to the trouble of making up a room when I’m sure she’s got better things to do.

TheDutchHouse · 14/01/2023 11:24

I'd also add your DH sounds lovely to have suggested this. Smile

yubgummy · 14/01/2023 11:32

Normally I'd agree that the last minute cancellation is a bit off, but under the overall short timeline anyway I think it's fine. 12h between "booking" and "cancelling" is still in the cool-off period IMO!

(But if your family is anything like mine, expect it to still be brought up at family gatherings 20y later...)

phoenixrosehere · 14/01/2023 11:33

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 11:10

I agreed with mum as she called me to go through the plan last night and said “Aunty Lucy says you can stay in Amy’s room”. I just said ok. Then when I was messaging her early this morning about a few things, I was making something of a list and said at the end “I’m gonna actually stay in a hotel just so I don’t invade everyone’s space but tell Aunty Lucy thanks for the offer” (for context if I were to stay over there’d be 6 people in a 4 bed house so I’m thinking of how crowded it will be too)

I was on the fence but now reading this, I don’t think yabu if this is the way you voiced it and that is the logistics.

Reallybadidea · 14/01/2023 11:38

I'm not surprised that she's a bit offended, you've said that you'd rather stay in a hotel than accept their hospitality. I think your reasons just make it worse, that you'd rather be on your own than with them. Add in that it rather looks like you're using what is essentially a time of mourning to enjoy yourself. I'm surprised you can't see how this is coming across to others.

rookiemere · 14/01/2023 11:40

Why don't you message your aunt and say something like " I hope you don't mind me staying at a hotel after Mum said I'd be staying and hope I haven't put you to too much trouble. I just find it easier to cope in situations like these to have a bit of alone time. I absolutely want to be with you all this evening xxx" or whatever rings true for your family.

Reallybadidea · 14/01/2023 11:41

And because I hate house guests I suppose I assume others would prefer to have as few people in their house as possible

Emotions are complicated. It's possible to both find it easier with fewer guests as well as simultaneously feel offended at having your hospitality rejected.

Inastatus · 14/01/2023 11:41

I voted YABU only because you told your mum that you wanted to enjoy the break which was probably quite an insensitive thing to say given the circumstances. Anyway, I totally get why you would choose the hotel but agree with others that I think you should go round for the takeaway tonight and support your mum and aunt.

Original poster
LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 11:42

yubgummy · 14/01/2023 11:32

Normally I'd agree that the last minute cancellation is a bit off, but under the overall short timeline anyway I think it's fine. 12h between "booking" and "cancelling" is still in the cool-off period IMO!

(But if your family is anything like mine, expect it to still be brought up at family gatherings 20y later...)

Oh it will be.

Or my mum will make passive aggressive comments forever more about how I hate my family. “Oh you’re coming to visit? I’m surprised, I thought you hated seeing your family”

OP posts:
FlounderingFruitcake · 14/01/2023 11:42

You’re definitely not in the wrong to not want to stay. However, despite a ‘good death’ of the relative, your mum/aunt are still presumably grieving and they clearly want you there. Clearing the house might be difficult for them if it was a parent that they lost. Seeing it as an opportunity for you to enjoy a break from the kids sounds like you’re missing the point. At a minimum I’d have the takeaway with them tonight and go back to the hotel to sleep.

Forthelast · 14/01/2023 11:43

Sorry for your loss.

I can see why they'd be hurt since you initially agreed. They will be grieving too. It doesn't seem like the right time or place for a little solo holiday really.

Original poster
LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 11:49

Reallybadidea · 14/01/2023 11:38

I'm not surprised that she's a bit offended, you've said that you'd rather stay in a hotel than accept their hospitality. I think your reasons just make it worse, that you'd rather be on your own than with them. Add in that it rather looks like you're using what is essentially a time of mourning to enjoy yourself. I'm surprised you can't see how this is coming across to others.

Yes I would rather be alone. I will be with them all day today (well from 3pm), tomorrow and Monday. I do want my evenings to myself. I don’t think that’s unkind and would never be offended if someone else felt this way towards me.

Should I be wearing black and crying loudly because I’m grieving? I don’t hate myself so I do think it’s fine to try and enjoy myself when I’m feeling sad. Should I be having a terrible time?

OP posts:
maddiemookins16mum · 14/01/2023 11:50

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 11:07

i didn’t say ‘I fancy a luxury weekend’ I said I wanted a bit of space and to enjoy rare time away from the kids.

Show quote history

But this weekend isn’t about having space away from the kids, it’s about being part of your extended family and all that it involves when someone you all loved dies. YABU.

BloodAndFire · 14/01/2023 11:52

maddiemookins16mum · 14/01/2023 11:50

But this weekend isn’t about having space away from the kids, it’s about being part of your extended family and all that it involves when someone you all loved dies. YABU.

Show quote history

Yeah, agreed. It's not meant to be about 'enjoying' yourself. That's an odd word to use in this context.

The idea is for family to be together and support each other, not eat out at posh restaurants etc.

I think there is a lot of backstory here.

Bigweekend · 14/01/2023 11:53

You know you've made a mistake here OP, that's why you're being so defensive.

Presumably they're grieving too and have lost a family member, so are understandably feeling sensitive and fragile about any more fracturing of the family.

Fine to say no, but not to cancel at the last minute.

BungleandGeorge · 14/01/2023 11:56

Yes it’s rude to cancel on the day you’re arriving.

gogohmm · 14/01/2023 12:03

Nothing wrong with staying in the hotel but why can't you eat with them, they are all grieving and want your company today

Bog · 14/01/2023 12:04

Usually I'd say you are not being unreasonable, however I have seen some of your responses to other people's posts on here and think you just hate everyone. Not just your poor family.

FlounderingFruitcake · 14/01/2023 12:05

Should I be wearing black and crying loudly because I’m grieving? I don’t hate myself so I do think it’s fine to try and enjoy myself when I’m feeling sad. Should I be having a terrible time?

Does it really have to be one extreme or another? Surely no one is expecting you to rock up dressed a Victorian mourner and wailing at full volume. However, seeing a family death as an opportunity for an enjoyable mini break is insensitive and really rather strange. Most people would surely find a middle ground where it’s totally fair enough to not want to stay with your Aunt but they’d also willing spend evenings with their family, because they want to be with them during a difficult time. Or maybe there’s some huge family backstory you’re not going into. But on face value you’ve messed up, not for the hotel, but for the rest of it.

Notmyyearthisyear · 14/01/2023 12:08

NoSquirrels · 14/01/2023 11:08

Basically, from your mum’s point of view you’re thinking about yourself, not thinking about others (her and your aunt).

This one. From my point of view too!

DadANDPK · 14/01/2023 12:09

Bard6817 · 14/01/2023 11:01

So sorry for your loss.

Might have been better to say you decided to break the journey down with an overnight somewhere and won’t stay now….

People tend to understand rationales which are limits rather than decisions based on prefernces which can offend.

I’m the same as you - hate staying at peoples homes, always feel i’m on their schedule, their decisions, and always the guest so never myself.

@Bard6817 you'd look bloody nuts breaking down a 2hr drive with an overnight stay! Not to mention she's booked in two nights!!

rookiemere · 14/01/2023 12:10

It's difficult to gauge people's responses when someone elderly passes.
I went to my DGFs funeral- he was 99 and the last 5 years of his life and my uncle who looked after him, had been spent wishing he was dead.

I was pleased to see relatives I hadn't seen for a long time at the funeral and felt it should be more of a celebration for DGFs life rather than a sad and somber event. I quickly realised I had read the room wrong and dialled back to sombre pretty quickly.

I think this is the issue here. You and your DH are multi tasking and using the event as a bit of a break for you, which is fine but shouldn't have been shared with your DM.