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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to stay in a hotel rather than someone's house

204 replies

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 10:51

This may be my stance because I HATE having house guests.

Long story short - a very elderly family member has passed away. It was peaceful and pleasant and probably the nicest kind of death you could hope for of an older person if this makes sense. So, numerous members of my family are all convening at his house this weekend to start to clear things out and also make funeral arrangements. He lives 2 hours away from me. I’m going today on the train to help out, for 2 nights. DH and the kids (6&9) are staying at home.

My mum is staying at my aunty’s (her sister) house and they offered for me to stay as well as my adult cousin lives there but is away at the moment so I could use her room. I initially said yes because decisions all happened so quick, but have since looked at local hotels. I found an amazing one with a lovely suite on a really good deal (£250 for 2 nights, it’s a tourist town). DH pointed out that I’m grieving, I never get time to myself and I should enjoy being in the lap of luxury, child free, while I have the chance. He knows I also hate being a guest, even in family’s homes. I hate having to ask if it’s ok to get a drink, use the shower, etc. I also like to be able to have a long walk on an evening and don’t like to have to have people come along.

So I booked this hotel (I pay at the property and can cancel until 2pm), and messaged my mum. Who has since rang me and said it’s very rude to suddenly cancel on my Aunty, she’s made the bed up for me and they were going to get a takeaway tonight but only if there’s lots of us, there’s no point if I’m not there.

I said sorry but I wanted to be able to enjoy time away from the kids and my mum has taken this personally as if to say staying with her and Aunty isn’t going to be enjoyable.

AIBU to think she’s being ridiculous and I’m not in the wrong by staying in the suite? Also wanted to go for a meal on my own tonight, at a restaurant my family probably wouldn’t go to, and just enjoy the solitude a little bit, as it will be a pretty intense weekend. I’ll be seeing them plenty over the next 2 days so don’t feel like I have to be attached to their hips.

OP posts:
Original poster
LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 13:09

Susanthehappytrottingelf · 14/01/2023 13:04

I have read your posts - you haven't said what you said to your mum about eating alone.

If you come across like you do on here to your family, I am surprised they even speak to you

🤣🤣OFDOD. Terrible family member I am that I travel hours to go and muck in and help. Poor them.

I didn’t say about eating alone. HTH.
My mum said she wanted us to all have a takeaway and there’s ‘no point’ if I’m not staying - she (fairly) assumed I’d go straight to hotel after helping to clear the house. Which WAS the plan. But I’ve said I’ll come with them after and have a takeaway and get a taxi back to the hotel. I never said what I was gonna do for food and she didn’t ask.

OP posts:
Original poster
LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 13:10

NoSquirrels · 14/01/2023 13:04

Because she was a closer relative to the deceased.

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How do you know they were closer? Because they were closer in age?

Besides - is that how it works - the oldest relatives get their way and get to control younger ones no matter what?

OP posts:
BloodAndFire · 14/01/2023 13:10

And no, I don't think being 'morose' or showing a reasonable degree of solemnity and sadness when the person's not even cold is in any way exclusive to British culture.

It's pretty universal to show respect to the deceased and to mourners, rather than to see someone dying as a great opportunity to luxuriate and enjoy yourself.

Clearly you think it would be fake and artificial to show that minimal level of solemnity because you don't actually feel sad about them dying.

That's your prerogative. But if course it's going to upset those who are actually feeling pain.

BeautifulDragon · 14/01/2023 13:10

I think it's fine OP.

I hate things like this, when people create a massive drama and decide to be forever offended over something that doesn't impact them at all!

Making up a bed and pondering over a takeaway is hardly work. Aunt has already got guests staying so (if I've read it correctly) wasn't doing anything especially for the OP.

Original poster
LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 13:11

BloodAndFire · 14/01/2023 13:06

I'm not British, nor from a Christian background, and my culture deals with death in an entirely different way.

So this doesn't really work.

In my culture it would be really offensive to not wear black and to not observe all of the traditional mourning practices, such as covering mirrors and not playing music, etc.

But whatever.

Show quote history

Is your culture the 1800’a?

There are cultures that deal with death in a far less morbid and morose way is my point. Not sure why you thought I was referring to your culture even though I don’t know you

OP posts:
Original poster
LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 13:11

BloodAndFire · 14/01/2023 13:06

Stay with your family, like they asked you to? Just a wild guess.

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And if I don’t want to? If I had to stay in a hotel because there wasn’t room - where should I be staying? You seem to be implying it’s inappropriate to stay somewhere that isn’t basic?

OP posts:
BloodAndFire · 14/01/2023 13:14

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 13:11

Is your culture the 1800’a?

There are cultures that deal with death in a far less morbid and morose way is my point. Not sure why you thought I was referring to your culture even though I don’t know you

Show quote history

You suggested that my attitudes to death and dying are 'a British thing'.

So I pointed out that I'm not from a British or Christian background.

I'm Jewish and we as a community treat death very seriously. Sorry that you find other cultures' practices something to mock and ridicule.

I have friends and family from many different cultures and i don't know any cultures where it wouldn't be insensitive at best to treat someone's death as an opportunity for a luxury mini break. Nor where sadness and solemnity would be considered inappropriate.

Original poster
LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 13:14

OrdinaryAva · 14/01/2023 13:08

@BloodAndFire You beat me to it, but you are thinking negatively whilst me & the OP are thinking positively. Death is not always doom & gloom. She wants to do her best, & won’t be able to if it’s overcrowded, & everyone’s moaning & groaning. It’s a trying time for all.

That’s the other thing - everyone deals with grief differently, six different temperaments and viewpoints in one house doesn’t always make for a pleasant stay. My cousin, who is otherwise level headed, has apparently been having a go at family members all day for not visiting the relative or not spotting warning signs of an infection earlier. Very unlike her but grief does weird things to you. It’s So much better for us all to not be in each other’s pockets over the next few days. In my opinion.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 14/01/2023 13:14

Look, OP, no one here cares where you stay or where you eat or what you do.

But you asked could you seem unreasonable and the consensus seems to be yes, for reasons that are cultural, or whatever.

You keep saying ‘why do my mum’s wishes trump mine?’ / well, by another token, why do yours trump hers?

You didn’t have to show up to clear stuff, it’s nice you did but it doesn’t really affect whether you’re being (or could be seen to be being) unreasonable in this matter.

You say you have to ‘decode’ your mum sometimes and that’s what people are trying to offer you - the decoding of why she’s being pissy about it.

You don’t have to agree, that’s fine.

BloodAndFire · 14/01/2023 13:15

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 13:11

And if I don’t want to? If I had to stay in a hotel because there wasn’t room - where should I be staying? You seem to be implying it’s inappropriate to stay somewhere that isn’t basic?

Show quote history

Yes, I think treating someone's death as an opportunity to, in your own words, 'enjoy being in the lap of luxury' is offensive and frankly weird.

LindorDoubleChoc · 14/01/2023 13:15

Yanbu. It's absolutely fine OP. I would do the same.

QueSyrahSyrah · 14/01/2023 13:15

@BloodAndFire I read it that the Aunt offered a place to say, not requested that the OP stay. Same end result but perhaps but a different proposition.

The subtle difference between 'Oh you can stay in Lucy's room rather than going back and forth on the train, she's away at the moment' and 'We'd really appreciate if you stayed with us at the house so we can all be together at this sad time'.

So the OP is not 'going against the family wishes' by staying elsewhere, she's simply declined an offer. How her Mum feels about it is really neither here nor there, since her Mum is not the host.

FunnysInLaJardin · 14/01/2023 13:16

Totally understand OP and YANBU at all.

I don't live near my family and now always stay in hotels when I visit. I also spend the day with them and go back to the hotel in the evening for some head space.

The first time I did it and didn't stay with my parents there was a bit of a guilt trip, but they soon got used to it. I was a far nicer person when I was with them than if I'd been forced to be with them all the time.

And your Aunty has made the bed up? Piss off, as if that's a massive inconvenience!

Original poster
LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 13:16

BloodAndFire · 14/01/2023 13:10

And no, I don't think being 'morose' or showing a reasonable degree of solemnity and sadness when the person's not even cold is in any way exclusive to British culture.

It's pretty universal to show respect to the deceased and to mourners, rather than to see someone dying as a great opportunity to luxuriate and enjoy yourself.

Clearly you think it would be fake and artificial to show that minimal level of solemnity because you don't actually feel sad about them dying.

That's your prerogative. But if course it's going to upset those who are actually feeling pain.

Have you missed the part where my pushier for going is to help everyone in the crucial next stages and organise the funeral??? How is that not respecting solemnity?

How is staying in a hotel afterwards negating all the respectful things I have done and will do today?

And I’ll ask again - if I have to stay somewhere, where should I stay?

And what is wrong with enjoying nice moments in parts of a difficult day?

OP posts:
Original poster
LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 13:18

BeautifulDragon · 14/01/2023 13:10

I think it's fine OP.

I hate things like this, when people create a massive drama and decide to be forever offended over something that doesn't impact them at all!

Making up a bed and pondering over a takeaway is hardly work. Aunt has already got guests staying so (if I've read it correctly) wasn't doing anything especially for the OP.

Yes she has 3 guests at the moment including my mum, as it’s just her and my uncle, their adult DD is on holiday with friends so isn’t there at the moment.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 14/01/2023 13:18

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 13:10

How do you know they were closer? Because they were closer in age?

Besides - is that how it works - the oldest relatives get their way and get to control younger ones no matter what?

Show quote history

I meant closer in ‘family tree’ terms - brother to deceased whereas you are a generation removed - niece.

BloodAndFire · 14/01/2023 13:18

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 13:16

Have you missed the part where my pushier for going is to help everyone in the crucial next stages and organise the funeral??? How is that not respecting solemnity?

How is staying in a hotel afterwards negating all the respectful things I have done and will do today?

And I’ll ask again - if I have to stay somewhere, where should I stay?

And what is wrong with enjoying nice moments in parts of a difficult day?

Show quote history

I'm going out now and not sure why you posted in aibu when you are so absolutely convinced that you are 100% right and you clearly just want to argue and take the piss out of anyone who's tried to offer an alternative perspective or help you see things from your family's pov.

Don't know why you started the thread. No idea. But I'm off now. Enjoy your luxury mini break in the amazing suite etc.

Original poster
LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 13:20

BloodAndFire · 14/01/2023 13:14

You suggested that my attitudes to death and dying are 'a British thing'.

So I pointed out that I'm not from a British or Christian background.

I'm Jewish and we as a community treat death very seriously. Sorry that you find other cultures' practices something to mock and ridicule.

I have friends and family from many different cultures and i don't know any cultures where it wouldn't be insensitive at best to treat someone's death as an opportunity for a luxury mini break. Nor where sadness and solemnity would be considered inappropriate.

Show quote history

I’ll ask again as you aren’t answering

What about my weekend screams ‘luxury mini break’? Because I have a nice hotel room? Should I have a shit hotel room to avoid enjoying myself?

My DH is from Jewish heritage and I’ve never seen any of his family where black and cover mirrors, but they aren’t as devout as your family maybe.

OP posts:
Original poster
LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 13:21

You keep saying ‘why do my mum’s wishes trump mine?’ / well, by another token, why do yours trump hers?

Because I’m going to be there doing all the important things they need help with, I’m just sleeping elsewhere. My need to wind down and sleep will have a bigger impact on me than my mum’s need for me to be sleeping in the next room and sharing a bathroom. That’s why my needs trump gets in the case of where I am staying.

OP posts:
Original poster
LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 13:23

BloodAndFire · 14/01/2023 13:15

Yes, I think treating someone's death as an opportunity to, in your own words, 'enjoy being in the lap of luxury' is offensive and frankly weird.

Show quote history

You keep avoiding my question of where I should be staying if I’m not staying with family?

And actually if you read my OP I’m repeating what my DH said. HTH.

As I say I have to stay somewhere - why not somewhere nice? GENUINE question.

OP posts:
SpookyBlackCat · 14/01/2023 13:25

OP, can I ask why you are spending your time arguing with strangers on the internet? What does it matter to you what a bunch of strangers think?

bellac11 · 14/01/2023 13:28

Having been involved in clearing an elderly relatives home with my parents and my OH, I would definitely want someone relaxing and peaceful to stay during the work. It was exhausing, emotional, dirty, long journey too, theres no way I would want to be sharing a house with 5 other people and worrying about when I can shower and use the loo because someones in that bloody loo again, squeezing around the dinner table, feeling knackered

No thank you

And it was OPs mum who made the arrangements, without a lot of thought and on the fly, there is no rudeness involved from the OP here at all.

Original poster
LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 13:28

FunnysInLaJardin · 14/01/2023 13:16

Totally understand OP and YANBU at all.

I don't live near my family and now always stay in hotels when I visit. I also spend the day with them and go back to the hotel in the evening for some head space.

The first time I did it and didn't stay with my parents there was a bit of a guilt trip, but they soon got used to it. I was a far nicer person when I was with them than if I'd been forced to be with them all the time.

And your Aunty has made the bed up? Piss off, as if that's a massive inconvenience!

Yes well my mum lives abroad and when we visit we stay in a hotel and she gets REALLY offended, every time (same with my brothers when they visit). Even though DH is really allergic to cats and they have one, they still get offended. But really it’s not just about the cat it’s because mum doesn’t have boundaries, will walk into our bedroom, make snippy comments and has some house rules that I always forgot about (like that League of Gentleman sketch ). So doesn’t surprise me she’s offended on behalf of my Aunty.

OP posts:
Original poster
LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 13:29

NoSquirrels · 14/01/2023 13:18

I meant closer in ‘family tree’ terms - brother to deceased whereas you are a generation removed - niece.

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And?

I saw this relative a lot more than my mum did. The closest relative doesn’t get to dictate anything. I certainly didn’t behave like that when my dad died despite being his closest relative next to my brothets.

OP posts:
LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 13:30

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