to want to tell my Mum I am pregnant but not my MIL?

[mendipgirl]

I am 6 weeks pregnant and want to tell my Mum, but DH doesn't want to tell anyone till after the first scan and says if we tell my Mum it is only fair if we tell his Mum as well. I don't agree, as I do think it is different as I am the one that is pregnant.

It's not that he wants his Mum to know he just doesn't think it is fair that mine knows before his does.

I want to tell my Mum as I would like to chat to her about it and also would need her to know anyway if anything went wrong and need a shoulder to cry on. But DH never needs a shoulder to cry on so wouldn't need to tell his mum, they don't chat and have that kind of relationship.

Anyone what does everyone think, is he right? am I being unfair?

I think you are totally within your rights to tell your mum if that's what you want to do.

Swear her to secrecy.

I don't think that's unreasonable at all.

What we think doesn't really matter - he thinks it's unfair.

What's the problem with telling your MIL? You can still talk to your mum anyway.

And just think how happy it will make your MIL!

But the other issue here is that your DH wants to wait until after the scan before you tell anyone - you need to talk to him about that.

Sorry I think it is unfair on your DH and your MIL.

I always told my mum first on the basis that she's my mum. I wouldn't then tell him not to tell his though - if he chose to wait, that's his choice.

If I had a miscarriage, I would want the support of my mum. So waiting holds no purpose except to not upset her I suppose but I would have been seeking her support and upsetting her anyway.

If your mum is untrustworty, and will blab to all and sundry, that's a different story but to be honest I think its a little unreasonable of him to not "let" you tell your mum.

If you dont want to tell your MIL but do your mum, that's a little bit U but it depends a bit on your relationship with her and his relationship with her, but I would compromise and say "I'll tell my mum and if you want to tell yours, you can".

YABU.

TBH I agree with your husband.

With my first we had everyone round & told them all together when I was 16wks.

FIL was so pleased bless him he clapped his hands & just about danced around the room

The second time we told my mum & dad first as we happened to be there first & then went off to tell ILs.

I would tell both your mum and let your dp tell his mum. Congratulations

tell your mum but swear her to secrecy?

I think you should only do what you both agree on. I think it's not good for couples to go against each other, creates distance. I think far better to talk and agree something you are both ok with.

I agree with your dh. If your MIL found out that your mum knew way before she did (it's both of their grandchild) she would probably be rather hurt.

Sorry I do think it'd hurt if she ever found out and isn't fair. We made a point of telling one set of parents as fast as we could after the other, and then alternated the order for DC2 - another reason why I can't have a third

Ahh.. I think this is a bit unfair on the OP.

I didn't tell my mum I was PG until well after 20 weeks with both my kids (in fact, with DS, DH told her... I didn't tell her at all!!)

BUT... if you want the support of your mum and she can be trusted... what's the problem?

I agree Harimo, I didn't tell anyone (except dh till after 12 weeks.

Well done

Of course you want to tell your mum first - she's your mum! My MIL and FIL just guessed anyway. Apparently it was obvious - spending a whole weekend with them just sleeping, throwing up and not smoking and drinking gave it away. They were good enough not to acknowledge it until we gave them the official news at 3 months though.

You may find even if you don't tell she'll figure it anyway. What the problem anyway? Do you think she'll be upset by it?

Congratulations btw!

We didn´t tell anyone early as I knew that if anything happened I wouldn´t want the fuss & pity & it would have been just between husband & I.

That's a good point mumblechum, I don't want to hurt anyone. I'm just not ready to talk about it with anyone apart from my Mum, my MIL is lovely but does tend to ask loads of questions and scare me a bit sometimes (not in an intentional way, but might not be that helpful if I do miscarry IYKWIM) so I just want to talk about it with my Mum because I am really comfortable with her (obviously!!).

Maybe I should tell DH he can tell her once I've told my Mum and leave it to him.

YABU

Hmm, difficult isn't it? I didn't want to tell anyone about my pregnancy until 12 wks but DP told DD (3) who told my mum. I think that I would have been happy with just my mum knowing but I told DP that he'd better tell his as it was only fair as they're both the GPs and they both have an equal role in DD's life and it would be the same for the new baby.

I do think that you're being just a little bit unreasonable because even though your the one who is pregnant, it is just as much your DH's baby as it is yours. I understand about the support though. I had a mc a few years ago and my mum was such a support to me but I never saw MIL during the time I was miscarrying.

I completely understand where you are coming from. I'm PG with my first and I told my mum at about 6 weeks, but we didn't tell PIL until about 9 weeks, and asked them not to tell anyone else until 12 weeks.

My DH basically thought his parents had a right to know as soon as my mum did, but I think also a part of him understood that my relationship with my mum is different (like your DH he's not close to his parents) so he didn't stress about telling them immediately.

I think you are not being unreasonable at all.

You are totally within your rights to want to tell select people (i.e. your Mum) before the first tri is up.

You may need support if you're not feeling well, and you'll definitely need support should (god forbid) anything bad happen.

I would say to your DP that you're going to tell your Mum, and so if he wants to tell his, then he can. If he doesn't want to, he doesn't have to. But it's not fair of him to expect you not to have the support of your Mum at a time like this.

I told my Dad (my Mum is no longer here) when I found out, and after two miscarriages, I continued to tell my Dad in the early days, but my DH decided not to tell his parents until we got the all clear (3rd time lucky). Although he decided he wanted to wait to tell his parents, he wouldn't have dreamt of expecting me to do the same if I didn't want to.

Firstly congratulations. However it is this sort of thing that makes me sad that I will probably only have the one Ds as mothers of sons do often seem to get the raw end of the deal. One of my friends had a baby recently and wanted to restrict access for MIL and allow free access for her own mum despite MIL being an amazing, understanding caring lady. As you can imagine she was so hurt by this.

Please think carefully about this. You sound like a lovely caring person and your MIL could be very hurt if she realises

YABU.
Personally I think its a bit mean to tell one set of grandparents-to-be and not the other. It is also unfair to say that you are the one who is pregnant - it is his baby too and his opinion and feelings count. Why do you need to tell your mother in order to get her support if anything goes wrong?
Surely she'll support you whenever she finds out.

Oh, and congratulations.

YAB VERY U !

You're being selfish.

Oh, meant to add, congratulations!