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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to tell my Mum I am pregnant but not my MIL?

204 replies

mendipgirl · 08/07/2010 15:26

I am 6 weeks pregnant and want to tell my Mum, but DH doesn't want to tell anyone till after the first scan and says if we tell my Mum it is only fair if we tell his Mum as well. I don't agree, as I do think it is different as I am the one that is pregnant.

It's not that he wants his Mum to know he just doesn't think it is fair that mine knows before his does.

I want to tell my Mum as I would like to chat to her about it and also would need her to know anyway if anything went wrong and need a shoulder to cry on. But DH never needs a shoulder to cry on so wouldn't need to tell his mum, they don't chat and have that kind of relationship.

Anyone what does everyone think, is he right? am I being unfair?

OP posts:
melikalikimaka · 09/07/2010 08:59

I think you should tell them together but to keep it under their hats. Make the phone call at the same time, get it done! [He should ring his and you ring yours]

grapesandmoregrapes · 09/07/2010 09:07

Havent read the whole thread, but I think if you want to tell your mum first then thats absolutely fine. If nothing else, its good to know if she had any problems during pregnancy that could affect you.

It wasn't until I was pregnant with my first that I found out that my aunt had had pre-eclampsia and my grandmother had five miscarriages!

diddl · 09/07/2010 09:25

I don´t think it´s expecting a lot to be told of a future grandchild at the same time as the maternal grandmother.

If the daughter wants to tell her mum, why shouldn´t the son?

I know I´m in the minority here, or probably a lone voice, but I just don´t get the "I´m pregnant I need my mum" thing.

Also, in the scenario suggested by the OP, if the worst happens & she needs her mum-who´s supporting the husband?

Coralanne · 09/07/2010 09:26

ItsGrimUpNorth. It's not about being "the centre of the universe". It's about common courtesy.

It would be nice for a MIL to be perhaps considered before a thousand facebook"friends" as was one case I know of.

MIL isn't on facebook and was told by an acquaintance at the supermarket that DIL was pregnant.

spanxaremyonlyfriend · 09/07/2010 09:31

"If the daughter wants to tell her mum, why shouldn´t the son?"

He doesn't want to tell her. Thats the whole point. He only wants to tell her out a sense of fair play if the OP wants to tell her mother. He is not asking for emotional support, just that his sense of fair play takes priority over his pregnant wife.

Coralanne · 09/07/2010 09:33

diddl I don't think you are in a minority. I think that the majority of people who respond in the affirmative already have problems with MIL.

The reason for that is that they already have a "my way or the highway" mentality.

The grown up people who rub along nicely with MIL can't be bothered responding.

ItsGrimUpNorth · 09/07/2010 09:33

Coralanne, that is a completely and totally different scenario to the one being discussed here.

Of course the mil shouldn't find out from an acquaintance or from fb for goodness sakes.

Why do people always bring in ridiculous examples? It makes you look really stupid.

diddl · 09/07/2010 09:34

But he does want to tell her if the OP tells her mum-that should be enough imo.

What does it matter that if his reason is "fair play" & OPs is "needing support".

I say good on him for not deliberately excluding his mum tbh.

5DollarShake · 09/07/2010 09:41

Hopefully the OP will back after 7 pages of this to clarify exactly where she stands re MIL!

She is being unreasonable if she refuses to allow him to tell his mother at the same time she tells hers.

He is being unreasonable if he maintains his 'I want to wait until after 12 weeks' stance, and in doing so deprives her of support (which she is perfectly entitled to, even if we don't personally feel we'd need it in her shoes).

Coralanne · 09/07/2010 09:42

Why is it that when someone doesn't agree with you they attack you personally, as in "it makes you look stupid".

If you had stopped after the second sentence I may well have considered debating the issue but I am not in the habit of getting into slanging matches.

diddl · 09/07/2010 09:44

Well, of course when you´re pregnant for the 2nd time, you never know-you might need MILs help with PFB at some point!

gorionine · 09/07/2010 09:51

The FB thing is not ridiculous,I have heard several such stories. It seems that for quite a few people friend and aquaintances do come before the family, especially if it is your spouse's one.

spanxaremyonlyfriend · 09/07/2010 09:52

In my first pg my MIL knew about 2 weeks before my own mother and nobody was huffy about it. There is no way that it affected anyones relationship with ds1 after he was born. If my mother had thought she was the second rate grandmother I would have thought her ridiculously precious.

ItsGrimUpNorth · 09/07/2010 09:53

Yes but the FB thing is not what we are discussing here. It's irrelevant to this thread.

Theochris · 09/07/2010 09:55

I'm with you diddl, I don't understand why you can't wait. Personally I waited until 16 and 20 weeks with my two, due to losses (one 2nd tri) and uncertainty and I never felt I needed my mum (though we are close and see each other twice a week). I needed my partner, and I would definately want to be on the same page regarding what ever choice you make.

tyler80 · 09/07/2010 09:59

My parents in law will be the second people we tell and we'll still tell them before a general announcement so they can have the pleasure of telling some people.

I'll still tell my mum first. Luckily my parents in law are reasonable people and won't decide this has any hidden meaning about who matters most. If I thought my partner was desperate to share and discuss the matter with his parents it'd be different but he's not (he doesn't even know whether his brother and sister were breastfed - he's 14 years older - and not interested in discovering any of this stuff). I think in the op's case if her partner wanted to tell it's different, it's different because he only wants to do it because of 'fairness'

NestaFiesta · 09/07/2010 09:59

Op YABU. Regardless of whether you agree or disagree, its unfair of you to say he can't tell MIL the same time as you tell your Mum. You DO need your Mum's support, but he should be able to tell his at the same time. If its any consolation, I cannot stand my MIL, but she's my DCs grandmother and I abide by that.

In my experience, we only told people that we would be comfortable discussing a miscarriage with.i.e parents and siblings but not colleagues/Facebook friends. They kept it to themselves and then the whole world knew at 12 weeks when we knew all was well.

The 12 week rule is up to the expectant parents, not some sort of law.

Congratulations and best of luck.

gorionine · 09/07/2010 10:01

ItsGRimUpNorth, I think it is relevent because it comes from the same view that ILs are less important for some reason, which is what I understand OP is saying. Also if everyone who post slightly on a tangent (sp?) has to be looked at as someone stupid surely Coralanne and myself are in good company on MN

Booboobedoo · 09/07/2010 10:01

To those mothers of sons (and I am one), it's not about the MIL having the same relationship with the baby.

You're overthinking.

Because it's not about the baby at this stage, it's about the pregnant woman.

I needed lots of support in my first trimester, and I got a good deal from my Mum.

It wouldn't even have occured to me to ask if DH minded.

It's his baby too, but if it was him going through all the sickness and physical changes, I would consider myself a pretty poor partner to deny him access to family support if he felt he needed it.

Op, YADNBU.

Booboobedoo · 09/07/2010 10:03

NF, it's the OPs DH who doesn't want to tell anyone. The OP hasn't told him not to.

gorionine · 09/07/2010 10:06

Booboobedoo, OP Is DNBU on what bit of her question? the bit where only her mum should know or the one where she does not want to wait 12 weeks before announcing? I agree about the 12 weeks thing that her DH cannot tell her she cannot tell her mum before a cetain date if she wants to. likewise she should not tell him that his mum should not be told at the same time he wishes to tell her. But that is just me maybe?

diddl · 09/07/2010 10:11

Phew Theochris- I was beginning to think I was some sort of freak!

For me also it´s my husband I turn to-not parents.

If I had miscarried before announcing I doubt we would have told either set of parents tbh.

I´m also close to my parents don´t feel I need them for emotional support or to tell them every detail of my life.

Glad I´m not alone!

Lucy85 · 09/07/2010 10:13

I did the same, swore my parents to secrecy, and told them when I was telling MIL. Then told them when she knew. All was before 12 week scan so no one could say anything.

Am close to my family so H did understand, also I managed to engineer it that i was near my family for work that day.

I do not have good r'ship with MIL so IMO totally understandable, however not for everyone I appreciate. Each to their own.

Tell your mum, and make sure she utter's not a word to anyone - she'll understand, having been there herself, and it's only a few weeks before everyone can know isn't it.

Original poster
mendipgirl · 09/07/2010 10:16

5dollarshake, you've convinced me to come back on and clarify! It is my second DC, with DD1 we told both sets of parents on the same day, but told mine first and then went straight round to ILs and told them. In order to be fair when I had the scan I took the photos to the ILs first and then to my Mum's. I am in no way preferential about GPs, they both look after my DD 1 day a week and are very equally treated. I text MIL frequently, send photos etc. and am going to her's tomorrow for lunch without DH (as he plays cricket) so she can show off DD to her sister who is visiting...don't particularly want to go (partly as feel completely crap at moment and want to throw up) but wouldn't say no to her.

The difference this time is that with a second one I am more knackered etc and would like some additional support from my Mum. But as I am the one who see's both set's of GPs weekly to drop DD off and pick her up I don't particularly want to share the whole "I feel like shit, am scared we can't afford this etc. etc."(DH recently made redundant) with my MIL, or infact anyone else, friends, syblings, MNers. Not that she wouldn't be lovely it's just I only want to talk to my Mum, she's my Mum and it is different, no matter how lovely she will never be the same and I equally would never expect my DH to see my Mum in the same way that he sees his Mum. But as soon as we tell them all it will be up to me to have all the conversations as DH rarely sees them or speaks to them.

I will speak to DH again at the weekend and try and explain how I feel, but I don't think he really gets why I need to talk to people when he doesn't, I think it is a male female thing really. If he wants to tell them at the same time then I will go along with that.

OP posts:
Bewler · 09/07/2010 10:17

Haven't read the whole thread but YANBU, I felt exactly the same. I am pregnant with my first baby and am incredibly close to my Mum. I see her all the time, she knew we were TTC and I was desperate to tell her as soon as I found out. Although I have a good relationship with my MIL, I really wanted to have a few weeks of just DH and my Mum knowing as a daughter's first pregnancy is a really special time of the mother-daughter relationship. It had nothing to do with my PIL's equal rights as grandparents, it was about my pregnant body and wanting to talk to my Mum about how I was feeling. DH felt it was a bit unfair on his MIL and would have been happy to wait to 12 weeks before we told anyone but luckily understood how I felt.