Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to tell my Mum I am pregnant but not my MIL?

204 replies

mendipgirl · 08/07/2010 15:26

I am 6 weeks pregnant and want to tell my Mum, but DH doesn't want to tell anyone till after the first scan and says if we tell my Mum it is only fair if we tell his Mum as well. I don't agree, as I do think it is different as I am the one that is pregnant.

It's not that he wants his Mum to know he just doesn't think it is fair that mine knows before his does.

I want to tell my Mum as I would like to chat to her about it and also would need her to know anyway if anything went wrong and need a shoulder to cry on. But DH never needs a shoulder to cry on so wouldn't need to tell his mum, they don't chat and have that kind of relationship.

Anyone what does everyone think, is he right? am I being unfair?

OP posts:
5DollarShake · 08/07/2010 16:05

Maybe the OP just wants to ask advice, talk about pregnancy stuff with her Mum, have her as a shoulder to cry on if she's suffering from MS - any number of things, really.

I do think if she wants to tell her Mum, then she should also tell her MIL, but if her DH doesn't want to tell his own Mum, then she shouldn't be stopped from telling hers.

if that makes any sense!!

pigletmania · 08/07/2010 16:07

Sorry but you are being very U, its HIS baby aswell, even though you are carrying it, he should be able to tell his mum too. What if something went wrong, dont you think that he might want to talk to his family . Stop being so precious about it, tell both sets of parents, they will know eventually.

slushy · 08/07/2010 16:08

Although I have to say if I have a third I won't be telling MIL till 20weeks if I can help it, mainly because when I told her about dc2 after me gabbaling on for about 10minutes (honestly)as a pg woman does 'she told me to shut the fuck up about it'

Original poster
mendipgirl · 08/07/2010 16:09

That's exactly it 5DollarShake, I talk to my Mum a lot and it's wierd not talking to her about something that is going on.

If DH was desperate to tell his Mum (like I am mine) I would undertand and say let's tell them all, but as he doesn't want to tell anyone it means I can't tell my Mum.

Is that selfish??

OP posts:
Katisha · 08/07/2010 16:09

Yep as mother of sons one thing Mumsnet has taught me is that I will always be no2 granny...

Original poster
mendipgirl · 08/07/2010 16:10

Blimey slushy that's terrible. My MIL is nothing like, she'd just go overboard on the excitement and want to tell the world!!

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 08/07/2010 16:13

I think that most women will naturally have a closer relationship with their own mums and something like talking about early pregnancy (which let's face it may or may not make it to 12 weeks) is one of those things a woman may want to talk to just her mum about.

Personally I think the OP's husband should respect the fact that the OP might want emotional support from someone she is very close to.

Clearly the OP's husband doesn't really want to tell anyone until 12 weeks. In this case I would say the OP can reasonably tell her mum but not let her DH know that she has.

ledkr · 08/07/2010 16:14

I am nearly ten weeks and haven't told my mum as she has commented in the past that I shouldnt have anymore so I was bit scared
ha ha however i have told friends for support. I told dh to tell pIl as I had told friends and cos its his first baby and their first g child. however its left me a bit annoyed cos she told sil and partner and bIl and his against our wishes meaning that 4 other people know before my children and family. That may seem petty but then sister rang up and said she had told g parents! I am so disappointed. me n dh ttc for 4 yrs had given up as I'm 43 isn't that our good news to give? sorry for hijack but it does show the other side of the story.

CarmenSanDiego · 08/07/2010 16:15

You are not being at all unreasonable.

How come "Your body, your choice" flies out the window on these sorts of threads?

You're the one who is pregnant, you have a right to seek support wherever you want.

Although I think this whole idea of using the information as some sort of power trip or bounteous gift is ridiculous anyway.

TeamEdward · 08/07/2010 16:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

slushy · 08/07/2010 16:19

Also once you tell one or two people someone slips up and the whole family find out, I guess if your dp wanted to tell his mum because he was excited but he just seems to be a case of you can't tell your mum if I cant tell mine.

slushy · 08/07/2010 16:20

I have a ds it wouldn't bother me the first 12weeks are boring and it just means I have less time to wait.

tyler80 · 08/07/2010 16:22

Yanbu, I have a great relationship with my inlaws and once baby is born will not include one set of grandparents more. But I will talk to my mum about pregnancy related things which I wouldn't talk to my mother in law about because she will always be my mum. It'll be a bit hard to talk to her if she doesn't know about the pregnancy, so I'll tell her early on. I'd wait a bit longer to tell the inlaws only because it's not necessary for them to know that early. It's our baby but my pregnancy.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 08/07/2010 16:23

DF - are you serious, that she should basically lie to her DH and pretend she hasn't told her Mum?? What kind of a basis for starting a family is that, what about trust, respect and all those other things?

OP - YANBU to want to tell your Mum, but if DH's stipulation is that he therefore wants to tell his own Mum then you have to accept that. It is his baby too, your MIL will be just as much it's grandmother as your Mum will.

We told my parents and DH's parents on the same day with DS and will do the same in any subsequent pregnancies.

pigletmania · 08/07/2010 16:25

Sorry Medip congratulations btw. Tell your dh that you would will tell your mum, and just do it, if he wants to tell his than its his parogative (sp)

Carmen I disagree with you on this. You are in a loving relationship and have made a baby together, and its just as much his as it is yours even though you are carrying it. So he has every right to tell his mother and Mendip has every right to tell her mother. I had a m/c before Christmas, we are ttc, if we are lucky enough to have a dc2 we will be telling both sets of parents early, before 3 months. Though I am at bit about telling my mum as she will blagg to all and saundry.

MissMarjoribanks · 08/07/2010 16:26

YANBU - told my mum at 5wks and MIL at 10wks.

I told my my mum so early because she came to visit (long standing plans) the weekend after my BFP and she would have guessed anyway, due to no booze and me looking green at frequent intervals.

DH was happy to wait a bit before telling his parents, mainly because it meant he had to admit to them that he had actually had sex.

thesecondcoming · 08/07/2010 16:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigletmania · 08/07/2010 16:28

Totally agree with Alibaaba why lie? That's not a good start to having a family and sustaining a loving and trusting relationship?

Rockbird · 08/07/2010 16:31

I'm right with you Carmen. At this moment in time the op is probably wanting to talk to her mum about the actual pg as anyone lucky enough to have a good relationship with their mum would. But she's not allowed to discuss what's happening with her body to her own mother unless she also tells all and sundry (and yes, at this stage I would consider MIL all and sundry). Her DH might have a claim on the child but it's not him it's happening to yet. It's tough but that's how it is. If she could hand over the embryo to him to gestate then it would be different.

FessaEst · 08/07/2010 16:31

Congratulations!!

I can completely understand where you are at the moment, but think you need to come to an agreement between you if possible. My DH is not close to his family, and we are both v close to my family. To have not told my Mum would have felt like living a lie for 3 very long months. As it was, with a history of pg loss and horrendous trophoblastic tissue disease/ectopic, I chose not to tell anyone (except DH) until we had had a scan that showed something in the right place, then told my family. DH's family were told later but before 12 weeks.

I personally felt weird about DH's Mum & Dad knowing about my reproductive health when it's normally very difficult to discuss the weather. To a certain extent, it is your body, your choice but it would be nice to accomodate each other if possible. Not v helpful, am I?!!

diddl · 08/07/2010 16:32

Surely if you wait until the 12wk scan that still leaves enough time to talk to your mum about whatever you want to talk about?

superpenguin · 08/07/2010 16:33

no you are not being at all unreasonable.

who you tell in the very early stages of a pregnancy might depend on all sorts of factors. and it is perfectly reasonable that a woman might want the support of her mother at that stage without having to tell loads of other people and before long the whole world knows. If your mum can keep a secret then tell her. Hope your DH will come to understand this.

NB. I am in a very similar situation, I am 5 and a half weeks with my first pregnancy and really want to talk to my mum without having to tell the whole family yet. This really upsets me to think people might resent that. Luckily my DH doesn't think we need to play the 'if we tell x we need to tell y' game. They will all know equally in a few months time anyway and way way before baby arrives so in the long run it will make no difference who finds out first. But in the short term I can get some support and advice about pregnancy from my mum. Hope you can too. xxx

CarmenSanDiego · 08/07/2010 16:34

Actually, I think if husband wants to tell his mum, he should be allowed too as well. So maybe YABU. You should each be able to tell whoever you want to seek support from.

But this is why I disagree with all the secrecy and politics and all the "Oooh, I got told first because you love me more!"

diddl · 08/07/2010 16:35

What is it that you are so desperate to talk to your mum about?

(Anyone that has said this)

CarmenSanDiego · 08/07/2010 16:37

to=too

Point is, you should each be able to talk to whoever you want to talk to about the pregnancy. Not right to be dictating who someone can seek support from.

And absolute babyzilla power tripping to see it in terms of having to tell people in a certain order to 'be fair.'