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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to tell my Mum I am pregnant but not my MIL?

204 replies

mendipgirl · 08/07/2010 15:26

I am 6 weeks pregnant and want to tell my Mum, but DH doesn't want to tell anyone till after the first scan and says if we tell my Mum it is only fair if we tell his Mum as well. I don't agree, as I do think it is different as I am the one that is pregnant.

It's not that he wants his Mum to know he just doesn't think it is fair that mine knows before his does.

I want to tell my Mum as I would like to chat to her about it and also would need her to know anyway if anything went wrong and need a shoulder to cry on. But DH never needs a shoulder to cry on so wouldn't need to tell his mum, they don't chat and have that kind of relationship.

Anyone what does everyone think, is he right? am I being unfair?

OP posts:
Theochris · 09/07/2010 10:19

diddl well perhaps we are both freaks

Also I actually liked just us knowing for a bit. I think it can make the pregnancy feel longer if people know from the start, constantly talking about that and nothing else.

Though obviously I was at the extreme end of the spectrum and lucky not to really be showing. I would have found the weight of expectation heavy after our experience.

Still I s'pose we are all different but the important thing is to balance what you and your DH want, not what your mum and MIL may want.

FindingMyMojo · 09/07/2010 10:20

YANBU - I can't believe all these people saying you are. Your pregnant & you want someone else to talk to about it apart from your partner. It's only natural that is going to be your Mum!

Having a close relationship with your Mum and wanting some support from her is what it's about. Why do people always thing because you want to do something with person X, it must be seen as a move against or a slight to person Y? It's ridiculous.

Tell her - make sure she knows you want it to be 100% confidential for a while.

Congratulataions!

Bewler · 09/07/2010 10:23

Yes, sorry should have added my congratulations too OP, how exciting for you - best of luck

ItsGrimUpNorth · 09/07/2010 10:24

No, goronine, it is a stupid thing to add because you're making the op look far massively unreasonable. She's not telling everyone on fb and not her mil.

That's an extreme case of petty nastiness that doesn't apply here.

All she wants to do is tell her mother she's pg and nobody else. Maybe she doesn't want to tell her mil. Maybe her mil has a big mouth. Maybe she just doesn't want to. It's up to her.

I really think there are so many on here who are going to have really really bad experiences as mils because their sense of entitlement regarding dils and dcs is enormous!

diddl · 09/07/2010 10:28

Yes, I loved just husband & I knowing also.

Well with my first I never got into maternity clothes-needn´t have told anyone!

And with second it was Winter & baggy tops did the trick-could have got away without telling anyone again!

Well I found out at about 6wks, so for me telling at 12wks doesn´t seem that long a wait.

But I agree it´s about OP & her husband, not the mums & I can´t see what the big deal would be if he also told his mum-for whatever reason.

She´s also given birth!

gorionine · 09/07/2010 10:32

I stand corrected ItsGrimUpNorth!

Booboobedoo · 09/07/2010 10:33

I think it is entirely up to the woman at this point, as she is the one having the physical experience. It is nothing to do with anyone's 'relationship with the baby' fgs. The 'baby' currently is a tadpole, and isn't capable of having a relationship with anybody.

That's just a red herring.

I feel exactly the same about men thinking they should have an equal in birth plans 'because it's their baby too'.

That stuff all comes into play once the baby is born.

mamaloco · 09/07/2010 10:37

They will probably guess a lot sooner than your scan especially if it is the second one. If your mum knows you, she is problably already wondering. Telling your mum is not the same you need her support if you are close. Nothing to do with being fair with your MIL or not, your DH should understand that!
I was the one not wanting to tell anybody anything before the scan, DH suggested that I at least told my mum. (easy for us not to say anything because we live abroad)
My SIL didn't say anything for her last pregnancy but everybody was wondering at least 2 months before the scan.

mamaloco · 09/07/2010 10:37

congratulations BTW

Jux · 09/07/2010 11:24

Congrats.

I got lured into this whole fairness thing, but actually it's a load of cobblers.

My relationship with my mum was totally different from dh's relationship with his mum. Obviously my relationship with his mum was different too.

He would never talk to his mum about anything; neither would I.

However, I would talk to my mum about everything.

Therefore it was totally reasonable that I tell my mum whatever I wanted to tell her and totally unreasonable that I didn't just because he wouldn't tell his mum.

Talk to your mum as much as you like.

phoenixflower · 09/07/2010 13:10

I haven't read the whole thread, but totally disagree with some responses. Congrats on being preg btw

YANBU OP!!! You have every right to tell your mum without your DH telling your MIL - completely disagree with those posters who said it is unfair to only tell your mum - of course it's not!!!

Tell your mum and don't tell your DH you told her! As long as she can keep a secret, I don't see the problem!

With DD1, I told my mum before my DH!

diddl · 09/07/2010 13:46

Re the fairness-well, that´s the reason OPs husband wants to tell his mum now if OP tells hers.

Why isn´t his reason as valid as hers?

TBH, if OP doesn´t want to wait until scan & wants to tell her mum now, I don´t see the big deal about MIL also knowing now-if that´s the "payoff" for want of a better way of looking at it.

Husband isn´t saying you can´t tell your mum, just if you do, I want mine to know as well.

FindingMyMojo · 09/07/2010 16:32

DIDDL & THEO - you are saying that because you did it X way (not telling anyone until 16 weeks etc) that OP and presumably everyone else should do it your way too.

You have no understanding as to why the OP or any other woman might want to share this with their Mum & you both want to share only with your husbands. And you've been on here all day arguing your position & telling OP she is BU because she doesn't tow your line of how relationships should function.

Well good for you but newsflash NOT EVERYONE IS YOU!! Not everyone has or wants to have your experience and people are different from you. You got to do it your way - why shouldn't OP be deserving of the same privileges?

I understand everyone will give their opinions but you just seem to be determined that it's your way and everything else is being unreasonable. Well fiddlesticks to that! YABU!

mayorquimby · 09/07/2010 16:54

"She is being unreasonable if she refuses to allow him to tell his mother at the same time she tells hers.

He is being unreasonable if he maintains his 'I want to wait until after 12 weeks' stance, and in doing so deprives her of support (which she is perfectly entitled to, even if we don't personally feel we'd need it in her shoes).
"

I'm really not sure how this wasn't about the 3rd post on this thread and the final word on it.
They're both being unreasonable in trying to dictate to the other on when they can and can't tell their parents.
If the OP wants to tell her parents then go for it and then he is free to do the same, clearly she would not be being unreasonable. If she wants to tell her parents but insists he is not allowed to tell his parents I'm not sure how anyone can claim that is reasonable.
If he doesn't want to tell his parents but does not try to stop the OP telling hers he's being reasonable. If he thinks that him not telling his parents gives him the right to stop the OP telling hers once again this is clearly unreasonable.

diddl · 09/07/2010 20:16

Oh FFS-just because I didn´t tell early & don´t understand OPs need to tell her mum doesn´t mean she shouldn´t do it.

What I have said is if she tells now, why shouldn´t he?

Findingmymojo-why don´t you read my post directly above yours.

I´m sure OP & her husband will do what they want regardless of what anyone posts on here.

LunaticFringe · 09/07/2010 20:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

HelenaCC · 10/07/2010 00:01

YABU sorry, ok to tell your mum, but agree with your dh that it would then be unfair not to tell your in laws.

It may be your body but its his baby too!!

Saggyoldclothcatpuss · 10/07/2010 00:09

Yanbu! Right now I wouldn't tell my mother in law if her arse was on fire! Hateful old cow!

verylittlecarrot · 10/07/2010 00:12

YANBU

You are the one who is pregnant. You need your mum for support, in secret, until you are ready to announce to anyone else. That is different from suggesting a happy, celebratory announcement from which people are excluded. It is about supporting you, not informing people.

My first trimesters are miserable, scary, risky and have the cloud of losing the baby hanging over me. I need my mum's support through that. Everyone else gets to find out as soon as I feel safe.

Tootlesmummy · 10/07/2010 07:06

That's what her husband is for!

mayorquimby · 10/07/2010 10:55

Can I just ask what I'm missing from the people arguing "your body, your choice", I'm failing to see how this is an issue of bodily integrity which is surely the only time such an argument applies.

KittyTN · 10/07/2010 10:57

Agree with littlecarrot.

The type of support offered by a mother to her daughter is very different to the support a husband provides in my experience.

My DH is definately a from Mars-type. Refuses to discuss any possible complication on the grounds that they havent happened yet etc. Clearly if OPs DH is same she will want to talk to her Mum.

MrsC2010 · 10/07/2010 17:00

Ooooh I must be a weirdo, I haven't looked to my mother for any form of support in this (my first) pregnancy. I love her dearly adn we are very close, but bar keeping her informed it is my husband I turn to. There are things I wouldn't necessarily share with him either obviously, but I wouldn't share with with my mother either. This pregnancy is mine and my husband's, no-one else's. That isn't to say that others are being unreasonable, just that it would be very odd to me.

Tootlesmummy · 10/07/2010 17:10

Well said MrsC!

diddl · 10/07/2010 17:32

Phew!

A couple more of us!

I suppose for me there wasn´t anything my mum could tell me that I couldn´t find out myself-also things had changed so much lots of stuff she had been told probably wasn´t relevant anymore.