to want to tell my Mum I am pregnant but not my MIL?

[mendipgirl]

I am 6 weeks pregnant and want to tell my Mum, but DH doesn't want to tell anyone till after the first scan and says if we tell my Mum it is only fair if we tell his Mum as well. I don't agree, as I do think it is different as I am the one that is pregnant.

It's not that he wants his Mum to know he just doesn't think it is fair that mine knows before his does.

I want to tell my Mum as I would like to chat to her about it and also would need her to know anyway if anything went wrong and need a shoulder to cry on. But DH never needs a shoulder to cry on so wouldn't need to tell his mum, they don't chat and have that kind of relationship.

Anyone what does everyone think, is he right? am I being unfair?

Im too tired to read all the thread....see Im a MIL My DS1 has an amazing partner who I love very much. They have a little boy who just turned 2 years old. Every weekday afternoon I am privileged to look after this little lad while my DIL works.

She is an amazing mum, an amazing nursery nurse AND she loves my son. My FIRSTBORN son!!!

I think that MIL get a lot of stick on Mumsnet....I hope those who are offended by MIL dont take offence - but I was overjoyed when my DIL told me she was pregnant....cannot explain the excitement.

Just spare a thought for MIL's...OK sometimes we get it wrong, we speak out and are often a bit mad but we try hard to do the best we can.

Congratulations on your pregnancy xxx

YANBU to want to tell your mother that you are pregnant before the 12 week scan (YWNBU to not want to tell her, either, if that happened to be your preference). I think you need to make that clear to your DH -- that much as you love and value him you also want the support and advice of someone close to you who has been through this themselves and until he's had morning sickness, round ligament pain, crippling first-trimester tiredness, constipation and aching breasts he just isn't in a position to fill that role. It's unreasonable of him to expect you not to tell your mother just on his say-so.

But YWBU if, having decided to tell your mother, you stipulated that he wasn't allowed to tell his (if I read the OP properly that isn't the issue at the moment he wants to tell no one at all but if he did want to tell his mother at the same time that you told yours YWBU to object).

"To all the mothers of sons who are feeling anxious about being MILs eventually have you forgotten what it is like to be pregnant with your first baby?"

This is not her first baby. The OP was furious recently when the mil brought her DD back a couple of hours later than expected having looked after her so that the OP an DH could go to Glastonbury. I rather suspect this plays a part in her current stance.

"Should DH chose what pain relief OP can have whilst in labour because it's his child too?"

That is an entirely different situation. 'my body my choice' only holds true when making a decision that affects your body. For something that is something non- physical like wanting to exclude one side of the family it holds no sway.

I think that some of you are missing the point entirely -it is her DH who wants to tell his mother at the same time. If he was happy just to go along with OP it would be different BUT to quote:

'It's not that he wants his Mum to know he just doesn't think it is fair that mine knows before his does.'

Why start with a silly disagreement? It is quite simple-OP doesn't have to tell her MIL,her DH can.

This isn't about MILs, it is about being fair to DH and listening to his views. He seems to be very fair to me, he wanted to wait until the first scan, but is willing to compromise and tell both mothers she wants to break the agreement but only on her terms! I don't see why pregnancy is an excuse to be selfish.

""YANBU. Your body, your choice.""

So the dad has got no right to be proud and let his own family know then????

Piescesmoon, I totally agree with you!

It seems that pregnancy and motherhood bring out the worst in some people! It is all about the mother-'my body-my hormones-my choices'- and consideration for others goes out of the window as we all 'have to understand'. DH isn't supposed to be the centre of anything-he also has to be the one to 'be understanding'.
I have had 3 children and I don't understand!!
It is quite simple DH tells his mother if he wants to-OP doesn't even have to be there if she doesn't want to and he doesn't have to be there when she tells her mother.

Some people make the whole thing so difficult with 'announcements' and who they tell when! I don't see why it has to be 'an announcement'-just have a quiet word-when you both want to.

Disregarding stuff from other threads, I really don't understand this "must play fair" thing. I have a dd and a ds, and I totally agree with WinkyWinkola. I don't expect any future DIL to feel as if she is my daughter, or for dh and I to be treated equally to her parents (unless that's what she wants). In the same way as I don't treat my parents equally, I have a different relationship with each of them, the same with my siblings. When I found out my dh was unfaithful I told only my big sister and brother, told my other sister a long time later, and my parents not at all. Because I wanted support, and I knew who woudl be best. Yes that was totally selfish, but so what.

Why should it matter who knows first? surely the response to being told of a pregnancy is not "did x know first" but to feel happiness that a new member of the family is on their way? They aren't going to arrive any quicker for you knowing.

dh and I followed the 12 week rule (my mother had several miscarriages and it was her advice), except with dd when I was staying with my parents and had very early sickness and had to tell, and then she told everyone! I was peeved but I didn't feel we therefore had to rush out and tell the ILs.

How on earth can pregnancy not be all about the mother? She is the one who is pregnant! Yes you are both having a baby, with all the emotions that come from that but there is a big difference. If dh could have been pregnant instead of me we'd probably have several more children for a start.

YANBU if you MIL is likely to ask questions and say stuff that is going to make you uneasy then for yourself and the baby dont tell her. Tell your mum. It sounds like she would be more of a backbone than your dh at the moment if he cant understand how you feel on this.

Nooka, it is different though, isn't it? You were having a bad time and only wanted to share with people who would support you, fair enough. but announcing a happy event should not be that hard to deal with or should it. Like Piscesmoon, I really do not understand that ans like her I have had more than one child to announce to both mine and dh's family. Now yes I I called my mum first than my SILs and BILs (have no PILs) but I am talking minutes, not weeks earlier.

It is also different if you both agree to wait, in this case DH thinks that his parents should knos as early as op's parents surely he needs to be considered as well?

How did you become pregnant without DH?
The baby is equally his.

Humans are not like some spiders whereby the male dies once he has impregnated the female.

You would be totally right nooka if it wasn't for DH-he is the one who wants to tell his mother. He is the one who thinks it unfair. Obviously his views don't count.

I think he ought to get heard early on or he will be totally ignored!

I can imagine the conversation in 7 months time.

OP- I think that we ought to have 2 weeks without visitors while we get to know our baby.

OP's DH-Yes that sounds like a good idea.

OP Of course I need my mother.

OP's DH Well yes, mothers excepted.

OP (horror struck) I meant only close family!

Why does pregnancy mean that you can't be understanding? Why does her DH have to understand her, but she doesn't have to understand him at all?

The baby may be equally the father's, but the mother's body is not. If the mother needs something to help her with the pregnancy, then that is a situation in which her rights take priority over his rights.

There has been plenty of stuff going on about my pregnancies/birth traumas/breastfeeding issues/health repercusions of prgnancy on my body that I have chosen to share with my parents and not with my ILs. Whether or not they are interested, and whether or not it relatess to their dgc, it is, fundamentally about my body, and therefore my rights take priority.

I dont think you are being selfish or unreasonable. If it would make you uncomfortable and stress you out, tell whoever you like and don't tell anyone you wouldn't like to know.

Your belly your choice

"I'm the one who is pregnant".

Yes, but it is your joint baby. It sounds as if, in time to come, you might need to remind yourself of that.

I will just quote the important sentence from OP again and leave you to it.

QUOTE
'DH doesn't want to tell anyone till after the first scan and says if we tell my Mum it is only fair if we tell his Mum as well.'

OP wants to tell her mother in case anything goes wrong and she has a shoulder to cry on, she says. DH never needs a shoulder to cry on. Does she not think that if something went wrong and DH was being all supportive for her that he might want his mum's shoulder to cry on? How much has he been tested on never needing to cry?

So a pg women can't speak to her own mother to get support, to say how she is feeling anxious, she is exhausted, she feels sick, the mw was mean to her, the hospital have screwed up her scan date, the pharmacist wouldn't sell her canesten etc etc and all the other pg problems that people have without her MIL knowing too?

Pg women are entitled to their own emotions. Its not all about the baby or the emotions of the baby's father's relatives.

I think people are being a bit harsh here. YANBU at all.

I have been pregnant 4 times and have had 3 miscarriages. The first pregnancy, I didn't tell either mother, and when I had the MC, I told MY mum and not my MIL. I don't think many people would say I was BU to do that, I was seriously upset and wanted my mum. I didn't want to have to explain the whole thing to someone I don't feel that close to.

The next times I was pregnant, I always told my mum early on, because I wanted her support if anything went wrong. I am glad I did this.

I've never told my MIL about the MCs - just because my pain at losing those babies is MY business and I don't think I should have to share it with someone if I don't want to.

I did, on the other hand, tell MIL as soon as I was 12 wks with the pregnancy that went well, and she has been a very involved and happy grandmother.

So, for that reason, at 6 weeks, I think you are completely within your rights to speak to your mum and not your MIL. I think, after about 15 wks, it might be a bit weird to not have told MIL, but you aren't suggesting that.

(NOT, btw, that you are likely to have a MC!! And congratulations )

"Yes, but it is your joint baby. It sounds as if, in time to come, you might need to remind yourself of that."

The baby isn't asking for the emotional support of anyone. The pg woman is. This is not about the baby, its about a first time mother who wants to chat to her mum about her pregnancy and has been told that she can't without conditions attached.

Oh for heavens sake!

If OP also tells her MIL-out of courtesy so that the baby´s grandmothers know of it´s existance at the same time,it doesn´t follow that she therefore has to share every detail also with her MIL as she might with her mum!

Again with tis "my body thing", do understand about physical implication but op being pregnant has got emotional implications for her DH too IMHO.

Should it be as well that because your Dcs came out of your body their father should not have any imput on their education/upbringing? I think not!

WRT the miscarige possibility before 12 weeks or so, if (God forbid) that happened should Dh be excluded from getting any support from his own family? Just does not make sense to me.

But the DH doesn't want to tell his mother until after 12 weeks.

She might not want her MIL asking her anything about her pg yet because it crosses the line into intimate medical knowledge. She is entitled to feel that if she wants. She will be pg for 40 weeks and she isn't planning to keep it a secret the whole time.

I don't think it's got anything to do with the father's 'rights' or the pecking order of grandparents.

It is about your right to seek support and share feelings with whoever you need at this important time- whether that be your best friend or your mum, or posters on here! If your husband wants to tell his mother too because he is keeping some kind of mental score sheet, then I guess he'll do that, but he is not being fair to expect you to keep schtum just because he is happy to.

Wouldn't it be nice if men could put the needs of their pregnant wives before their sense of fair play and some possible unreasonable huffiness of their mothers who frankly just need to be told "X is pg, about 13 weeks, here the scan pic." rather than "X is pg, we told her mother ages ago as they will be the important grandparents."

There's going to be lots of p*ssed of mils on MN in future if they expect so much from their adult sons and dils.

I think it would do parents of adult children a lot of good to remember that they are not the centre of their children's universe and that perhaps their needs aren't always the most important thing.