to want to tell my Mum I am pregnant but not my MIL?

[mendipgirl]

I am 6 weeks pregnant and want to tell my Mum, but DH doesn't want to tell anyone till after the first scan and says if we tell my Mum it is only fair if we tell his Mum as well. I don't agree, as I do think it is different as I am the one that is pregnant.

It's not that he wants his Mum to know he just doesn't think it is fair that mine knows before his does.

I want to tell my Mum as I would like to chat to her about it and also would need her to know anyway if anything went wrong and need a shoulder to cry on. But DH never needs a shoulder to cry on so wouldn't need to tell his mum, they don't chat and have that kind of relationship.

Anyone what does everyone think, is he right? am I being unfair?

No, I never said that.

I don´t see that it should be a problem to do that, but the OP doesn´t want to.

Perhaps she should tell her mum & ask her mum to tell no one until after the scan?

Tell him you are telling your mum because you would like the support of another woman.

Tell him it is up to him what he does re MIL - he can tell her, or he can choose to wait.

But I don't think it is fair to tell your DH that he can't tell his mum if you are telling yours.

I do not think you should tell your mum and then not tell your DH you have told her BTW. I don't think lies or secrets like that are good in a relationship.

Oops, misposted.

Perhaps OP should just tell her mum & MIL as well?

YANBU

I talked to my sis about pg related stuff that I didn't want to involve my SIL in. I had bleeding all through the first 12 weeks and was worried about mc. I don't want my SIL or MIL or all their friends knowing about my private medical stuff. Why would I? I am aware that the dcs are my dhs as well as mine but my body is mine alone and if I want support from my family then I will seek it without preconditions.

Some women want their mothers with them during labour, but not their MILs. Is this unreasonable too? What about if they wanted their sister with them, should DHs brother have equal rights?

I think YABU. Without meaning to I think you're already favouring your parents over your ILs and I think that is wrong. By doing this I think you're setting up this way of doing things once new baby arrives.

I think you should wait until the scan as it's both you and your DHs child.

I really think the only solution is to tell both mothers - but if the DH doesn't want to tell his, then that is his decision, and shouldn't have any bearing whatsoever on the OP's right to tell her Mum.

5DollarShake-have we agreed on something?

I also think if op tells her mum now they should tell MIL as well.

Yep, diddl - I agree with that.

Tootlesmummy - why should they have to do with the DH wants, and not what the OP (i.e. the pregnant one, carrying the baby) wants?

I agree they need to tell both, but if the DH really doesn't want to tell his Mother, then why should the OP be stopped from getting support from her mother, in the meantime?

No I agree again-if OP wants to tell her mum & husband doesn´t want to tell his mum then that´s up to him.

But I do agree that it´s "fair" to tell his mum also.

I do feel MILs often miss out as it is without excluding them at the beginning.

I am sensitive to the MIL issue too, having a DS myself.

I do think they need to tell both, but just that she shouldn't be prevented from telling her Mum, if he doesn't want to.

Can you tell I also have a son?

I don´t get on with MIL but wouldn´t have dreamt of not telling her at the same time/pretty soon after telling my mum.

They both have the same relationship to the baby.

You may need to ask your parents (and his) about their medical history for the booking appointment - they ask about familial diseases, problems with your parents' pregnancies etc etc.

Perhaps you could each agree to just tell one other person for moral support? So he could tell his mum and you yours?

Although it is fun to tell them together.....

Even though she is the one carrying the baby it is their baby so I think the father has every right to be fully involved in who to tell and when.

Looking at what MrsH says there is obviously history so is there more to this?

I personally don't think that she should be the one to make the decision and I also think it would be wrong to tell her mother and lie to her husband as he'll eventually find out about. And what happens when her MIL finds out, that will be hurtful and won't help what appears to be a tense relationship.

YANBU to want to tell your mum. Your DH should understand this. But it's his decision not to tell anyone else - so if he chooses to tell his mum that's up to him.

Would you say the same thing if he wanted to tell his mum and she didn't want to tell anyone?

YABU.

I had to tell my MIL at 6 weeks. They wanted to take us on holiday but it was around the time I was due to give birth. She was sworn to secrecy and told that because I hadn't told my mum or anyone else she wasn't even allowed to talk to either of us about it etc. I completely forgot that DH had told her. So I would say get DH to tell her, swear her to secrecy and ask her not to discuss it with you etc.

I said to DH that maybe I should tell my parents as he'd told his. But we decided that we only told them for a specific reason so we didn't tell my parents. DH would have been fine with it if I'd really wanted to tell my mum though.

YADBU

I think you should be able to tell your Mum without DH's permission - probably better though to say you are going to, and why. I don't think it's fair to then say his Mum can't know, as you would be doing exactly what you don't want him to do.

At the moment it seems to me that it is the OP's DH who has made the decision here as to when the mum and MIL are told. The OP and her DH need to be discussing this issue and their reasons for telling/not telling.

And while I can understand waiting for the 12 week dating scan (I didn't have scans until 18 weeks, they didn't do 12 week dating scans in our area when I had my dcs aged 10 and 6), I can also understand why the OP wants to tell her mum for the support.

Despite the many sad threads about toxic parents on MN, there are many, many women who are having very good relationships with their mums, and who get good support from their mothers, who has also been through childbirth. I can see both sides.

I agree 'ILove' but MIL may also want to share in the excitement and offer help and support. I think sometimes MIL get a hard time and quite often unfairly.

They're damned if they care too much and damned if they care too little....

Perhaps a compromise.

Instead of waiting for the 12 week scan, why don't you wait until some time in between now and then.

I should've said - and tell both of them. It might be a bigger deal for you, and I completely understand that because I'm constantly trying to explain this to my DH, but he's never going to get that and its just not worth the fight or bad feelings or whatever.

I think you should tell your mum i you want to, but I think it's unwise to tell your mum and not your mil, it could set your new family off on a bad footing if she found out.