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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to tell my Mum I am pregnant but not my MIL?

204 replies

mendipgirl · 08/07/2010 15:26

I am 6 weeks pregnant and want to tell my Mum, but DH doesn't want to tell anyone till after the first scan and says if we tell my Mum it is only fair if we tell his Mum as well. I don't agree, as I do think it is different as I am the one that is pregnant.

It's not that he wants his Mum to know he just doesn't think it is fair that mine knows before his does.

I want to tell my Mum as I would like to chat to her about it and also would need her to know anyway if anything went wrong and need a shoulder to cry on. But DH never needs a shoulder to cry on so wouldn't need to tell his mum, they don't chat and have that kind of relationship.

Anyone what does everyone think, is he right? am I being unfair?

OP posts:
TakeLovingChances · 08/07/2010 16:37

OP - congrats on your pregnancy hope it is a healthy and happy time for you.

I do think if one set knows the other should be told quickly afterwards. But whether you say now, or wait until you're a bit further on is up to you and your DP.

When we told my parents we got hugs, excited questions and chat. Everyone was delighted.

3 days later we told DH's parents: you could have heard a pin drop! MIL said she was 'surprised', didn't say congrats and pretty much never mentioned it again until I was about 30 weeks gone and too large to ignore!

We still don't know what her problem was DH and I had been together for 8 years and married for 2 years at this stage.

Sorry for the hijack, but my main point was that having someone pour cold water on your happiness at an early stage can make you feel upset the rest of your pregnancy.

I wish I'd waited longer to tell both sets of parents. Mine chatted about it constantly and PIL pretended it wasn't happening. Both these reactions grated on my nerves.

pigletmania · 08/07/2010 16:37

Cant see it like that Rockbird, to me and dh dd was something we made together and if he wanted to tell his mum than so what! Telling ILs is not telling all and sundry at all.

pigletmania · 08/07/2010 16:40

Poor you Takinglovechances, that is dreadful! My ILs were over the moon when we announced that I was expecting so excited so was my mum too. We told both sets early in the pregnancy and it was so nice for them to share our happiness and excitement.

DryYourEyesMate · 08/07/2010 16:45

You should tell your Mum if you want to and he should tell his own Mum if he wants to

You cant stop each other

MissWooWoo · 08/07/2010 16:47

congratulations on you! I don't think you're being selfish at all. It's very early days yet and most people want to keep it to themselves, well, just incase ... with the exception of your mum. Not matter how old you are you're her baby and now you're having one! It's something special between you and your dp but also you and your mum. Can she keep it quiet? if so, tell her

PrettyCandles · 08/07/2010 16:49

We always told my parents first, and then the ILs. Similarly when I gave birth, phoned my parents first, and then the ILs immediately after.

The dad's parents can sometimes have a slightly distanced attitude to the pregnancy. Yes, it's going to be their grandchild, but it's not their child who is carrying it.

With one of my pgcies I miscarried three days after telling my parents, and before we had had a chance to tell the ILs. They had been away and we had intended to tell them that evening. When dh phoned to break the news they were very puzzled why he was telling them about it. They didn't seem to consider it their business, were not particularly interested. Sympathetic towards me, but puzzled at dh's grief - after all it was not his body suffering, and therefore, by extention, not their suffering either.

diddl · 08/07/2010 16:51

Gosh-I´m close to my Mum, but never felt my pregnancy was special between me & her.

I actually quite liked just husband & I knowing.

OrmRenewed · 08/07/2010 16:55

Of course YABU. Both or neither I think.

5DollarShake · 08/07/2010 16:56

diddl - that's you and your situation.

It's not exactly weird that other people want to share life-changing news with their own parents, surely?

Of course there is plenty of time in the 2nd and 3rd tri to discuss issues as well, but when it's all new, and incredibly fraught (worries about miscarriage, tiredness, sickness, etc, etc), some people just want a close person to share that with. What's not to get?

As I say though, if mendipgirl wants to tell her Mum, then her DH should also be able to tell his - but not to stop her from telling her Mum if he doesn't want to.

pigletmania · 08/07/2010 17:04

My dh was not bothered who we told how early on and nor was I, I told the world when i got a positive pregnancy test, and went on to have a healthy dd. The second time round told everybody early on and it ended in a m/c

diddl · 08/07/2010 17:06

Did I say weird?

And of course I wanted to tell my parents-just found it easy to wait until after the 12wk scan.

Aren´t other posters also posting opinions based on their experiences/feelings?

diddl · 08/07/2010 17:09

OP-what are your husbands reasons for wanting to wait until after the scan?

The reason I relate to that is that I also wanted to do that, so it seems reasonable to me.

(Sorry for mentioning my situation)

jazzandh · 08/07/2010 17:10

I don't think there is any point telling any more people than you have to early on, in case it doesn't progress. It is not an easy conversation to have, if you mc and seems a shame to have got someone excited and then have to upset them.

I mc a previous pregnancy and had to tell my Mum that when I had't told her I was pregnant - but I needed her practical help...

This time around I told her early on, but DH held off telling most of his family until we wwere (more) sure of things.

So it's really swings and roundabouts, and can come down to support networks etc...

ssd · 08/07/2010 17:11

op, if your baby is a boy, how would you feel in 30 odd years if your DIL behaved like this?

things look a lot different when you have a boy, believe me

5DollarShake · 08/07/2010 17:15

I just mean I truly think it is unreasonable of the DH to want his wife to wait until after the scan to tell her own Mum, if she wants to tell her sooner. I think they both need to do what is right for themselves, and not have one blanket rule if it only suits one party.

Especially when that blanket rules deprives one party (the one carrying the baby) of an important source of support.

Likewise - I also think it is unreasonable to tell one Mother, and not the other. If he doesn't want to tell he doesn't have to. But he shouldn't stop her from telling - that is very unreasonable in my book.

Sassybeast · 08/07/2010 17:15

YANBU at all - amazing how 'your body your choice' can be twisted to suit any agenda! He's dictating to YOU who you can and can't tell - how is that fair ? If he's not close enough to his mother to want to tell her, that's his issue. Why should it stop you from talking to yours and have her support/listen/hand hold as only a mum can when you are pregnant with your first baby ? What happens when baby cuts it's first tooth ? Take a first step ? Will he insist that all grandparents have to be informed at exactly the same time ? He is being selfish and needs a good old MN kick up the arse.

5DollarShake · 08/07/2010 17:17

I really think some people are missing the point.

It's not that mendipgirl wants to deprive her MIL of the info. She just wants to be able to tell her own Mum, and her DH's unwillingness to tell his Mum, means she can't tell hers. How is she being unreasonable?

MarshaBrady · 08/07/2010 17:17

It would be fine imo if your dh didn't mind.

diddl · 08/07/2010 17:18

Well it´s perhaps just me then who doesn´t see what support a mum can be before the scan that she can´t be after.

Perhaps like me OPs husband can´t see why OP really needs to be talking to her mum right now & why a few more weeks won´t matter.

MarshaBrady · 08/07/2010 17:20

I think it's lovely to want to let your mother know as soon as you want to. And it makes sense the relationship is closer more supportive. But your dh has said it would bother him, so chat to him.

5DollarShake · 08/07/2010 17:22

I think that's hugely unempathetic.

The first trimester can take a significant toll - emotionally, physically and mentally. You worry about spotting, you worry the pregnancy is viable, you're tired, you're sick. And you're meant to do it all in secret, since you're not supposed to tell anyone.

Once you get past the dating scan and have a viable pregnancy confirmed, it's quite a different experience.

I do not understand why a pregnant women should have to go through that without additional support if she doesn't need to.

tyler80 · 08/07/2010 17:23

Exactly 5DollarShake, it's not that I want to exclude my parents in law, just that I want to have my mum for support and advice.

I know pregnancy affects people differently, but I think it does have some sort of genetic component and my mum can share her experience with me. She seems to have passed on some of her reproductive genetics to me already (heavy periods, thanks mum!) so seems sensible that her pregnancy experience can be very relevant.

MarshaBrady · 08/07/2010 17:25

Tbh I would have been a bit shocked if dh had tried to stop me sharing the news with my mother when I wanted to.

diddl · 08/07/2010 17:28

"just that I want to have my mum for support and advice. "-perhaps it´s that I never felt the need for that.

But I think the issue is more that husband wants to wait until after the scan & OP doesn´t.

5DollarShake · 08/07/2010 17:31

So, basically, the husband's wish to wait until after the scan should surpass and override the OP's wish to tell parents before the scan...?

Even though she's the one who's pregnant and wants the support?

Seriously...?

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