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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to tell my Mum I am pregnant but not my MIL?

204 replies

mendipgirl · 08/07/2010 15:26

I am 6 weeks pregnant and want to tell my Mum, but DH doesn't want to tell anyone till after the first scan and says if we tell my Mum it is only fair if we tell his Mum as well. I don't agree, as I do think it is different as I am the one that is pregnant.

It's not that he wants his Mum to know he just doesn't think it is fair that mine knows before his does.

I want to tell my Mum as I would like to chat to her about it and also would need her to know anyway if anything went wrong and need a shoulder to cry on. But DH never needs a shoulder to cry on so wouldn't need to tell his mum, they don't chat and have that kind of relationship.

Anyone what does everyone think, is he right? am I being unfair?

OP posts:
pleasechange · 08/07/2010 21:11

I did what you're doing. On my first pg, I was so glad I'd done that because I mc, and my mum was there for me. MIL would have probably upset me even more with her horrible ways, so I was really glad not to have to deal with that.

I don't get all this having to treat everyone equally think. Of course your relationship with MIL isn't equal to that with your mother, so it's nonsense that you should have all the same conversations with them both. If DH is only bothered about the unfairness (rather than him actually wanting MIL to know), then YANBU

SoupDragon · 08/07/2010 21:12

I can't work out exactly what the problem is now.

A) the OP wants to tell her mother and not her MIL
Or
B) the DH doesn't want to tell anyone until the scan

daytoday · 08/07/2010 21:16

YANBU - You are pregnant - you are carrying a baby. It is an emotional and physical journey. You are entitled to tell whoever you want. Your DP does need to respect your wishes on this one.

I have had recurrent miscarriages and I didn't want to tell my in laws the second and third times. Should I have?

I really wouldn't loose any sleep over this one. It is entirely reasonable for you to tell your in laws in a few weeks when you get the all clear.

I will never grow into one of those MIL's who get offended because they are not in on the whole experience. I will expect my DIL to feel no pressure from me, only love, and hope they do what they want. That is the basis of a really healthy relationship.

Tootlesmummy · 08/07/2010 21:18

I think it's wrong and I think they should hold off until 12 weeks, respecting DHs wishes or tell both now.

lilolilmanchester · 08/07/2010 21:21

gosh, this is a tough one. Can really understand where you are coming from. At the same time, your DH doesn't want to tell anyone yet. Tough when you have opposing views, you need to work it through with him first I guess and reach some kind of agreement. This baby is as much his as yours.
Also, imagine if your baby is a son - one day you would be the MIL not the mother of an expectant Mum. How would you feel to be shut out of this kind of news? I have one of each, I love them equally, How come my DD could share this kind of news with me but not my DS??

moonstorm · 08/07/2010 22:24

YANBU

MiniMarmite · 08/07/2010 22:31

We have always told my Mum about each pregnancy and DH has had the option of telling his mother but has chosen not to.

I don't think your DH should try to stop you from telling your Mum but I don't think you should prevent him from telling his either.

LucyHoneychurch · 08/07/2010 22:43

YANBU AT ALL!!!

To all the mothers of sons who are feeling anxious about being MILs eventually have you forgotten what it is like to be pregnant with your first baby?

I haven't and remember how I could hardly whisper the words "I'm pregnant" to my own mum I was so scared by saying it out loud it would make it disappear. Irrational and highly-strung maybe but we are talking about a first time pregnant woman.

For me this is definitely your body your choice situation.

Having said all that I really don't think its a good idea to go behind your husband's back I think you might need to work a bit harder to convince him to understand your needs at this very sensitive time.

I made pretty much the same demands on my DP, and after discussion he did see where I was coming from. I found out at about 8 weeks and the plan was we were telling my mum and nobody else until 12 weeks (BTW my MIL is lovely so that was not the issue). I needed my mum but I was not ready to tell another soul.

What actually happened was I told my mum in the evening, then my sister in the morning and the next day, only 72 hours after insisting DP had to wait, did a complete U-turn and wanted to share with the in-laws too. Which was lovely.

Congratulations by the way x

piscesmoon · 08/07/2010 22:45

YABU-DH is an equal parent-it is only fair to respect his wishes. If you have a DS how will you feel to be the second class grandmother? Treat others as you would like to be treated.

piscesmoon · 08/07/2010 22:47

Just agree with DH that you will both tell your own parent at the same time and then there isn't a problem.

WinkyWinkola · 08/07/2010 22:49

It is you who is pg. It is up to you who you trust to tell.

Perhaps you don't trust your MIL.

If something went wrong, perhaps you don't want to advertise it to anyone but your mum.

It's your choice. At this stage your dh should accommodate you.

Your mil should understand that. It's nothing to do with her or anyone else just now.

mumeeee · 08/07/2010 22:49

YABU. I agree with you DH it is unfair

lilolilmanchester · 08/07/2010 22:53

um, yes Lucyhoneychurch of course I do remember what it's like, please don't insult me. Of course I know what it's like to be pregnant with a first, also a second pregnancy (which didn't make it) and a third. I am now a Mum of both a boy and a girl.
But to be honest, OP is as much about what do you do when a husband and wife don't agree about something, as it is about rights and wrongs of who you tell first about a pregnancy.

WinkyWinkola · 08/07/2010 22:54

DH told his mother I was 10 weeks pg just before our wedding. MIL then wanted to tell everyone ds was prem so as to save face.

Tell people you trust.

piscesmoon · 08/07/2010 22:59

Would you be upset if DH told his mother before you told yours? I suspect the answer is yes-in which case why do it to him?

LucyHoneychurch · 08/07/2010 23:01

lilolill please don't take it personally. It wasn't any kind of attack on you or the other mums of boys (I am one myself!)

I just empathise a lot with the OP on this one and a lot of the comments on here are suggesting she is being hugely unreasonable.

I think I am also thinking a lot about my MIL's response when we told her. One of her first questions was how my mum felt. She understood that as the person carrying the baby I instinctively wanted to share with the closest person to me (apart from DP) and knew I'd told her first.

piscesmoon · 08/07/2010 23:04

I have DSs and I would expect that DIL would tell her own mother first-but not weeks or days in advance! My DSs would be just as excited and want to tell the people closest to them. I don't see why they can't both tell their own parent.

LucyHoneychurch · 08/07/2010 23:10

I was terrified of telling people at first. Once I got over this I was terrified of buying anything or in any way preparing for my first child. I think if you don't recognise that kind of anxiety and fear with your first pregnancy you will never understand where the OP is coming from in wanting to tell one person who might help her overcome these issues.

PictureThis · 08/07/2010 23:12

I don't think YABU. We initially made this decision and agreed that we wouldn't say anything until after the first scan.
But I did end up telling my Mum because only she understood how I felt, she appreciated how worried I was until the first scan reassured me and if it had been bad news I would have wanted her support. My MIL prob would know all that too but she's not my Mum; as much as I love her we do not have the same relationship and her hugs just don't feel the same.
I told DH this before I said anything to my Mum and he understood. We just didn't let on that Mum knew when we told his Mum.

alicet · 08/07/2010 23:14

I agree totally with daytoday.

And I am the mum of 2 dss so will be a mil in the future. I would so totally understand if my future dil shared news of her pregnancy with her mum but not with me. Its about support which is not the same with your mil as with your mum and nothing to do with being less important as a grandmother. In fact responding with understanding to this sort of situation will go a long way to ensuring a positive relationship with both dil and grandchildren.

Having said that I would also say that if it was important to your dh to tell his mum it would be unreasonable to deny him this, but I don't think she necessarily has to be told just because your mum knows.

lovely74 · 08/07/2010 23:17

I was at MIL's house when I found out I was PG and we told her straight away (actually we just passed her the stick..!). My mum wasn't told until we had the first scan as she would've struggled to cope if I'd had a mc (she has anxiety issues). I was worried about admitting to her what we'd done but she agreed that I'd done the right thing and was just ecstatically happy.

We told close friends before we had our 12 week scan but no other family as DH didn't want to. Unfortunately I got a bit carried away at work one day when a colleague told us she was PG. I then spent the next few weeks feeling VERY guilty for DH, and also really worried about the first scan. So if you do tell your mum, don't keep it from your DH.

I think you need to explain really clearly and honestly to your DH why telling your mum is so important to you, and if that means telling his mum too then just do it.

Oh it turns out my SIL knew as she found the wrapper from my test but bless her she didn't talk to MIL about it even though they lived together at the time. They both just sat there looking awkawrd as I claimed a hangover again as my reason for not drinking!

Quality · 08/07/2010 23:19

YABU and very selfish.
It's your dh's baby too and he has a right to the support of his mother too.
Under no circumstances lie to your DH about this, it will come out + it would not be pretty.

treas · 08/07/2010 23:22

YABU

"I want to tell my Mum as I would like to chat to her about it and also would need her to know anyway if anything went wrong and need a shoulder to cry on. But DH never needs a shoulder to cry on so wouldn't need to tell his mum, they don't chat and have that kind of relationship."

His baby too, so if something did go wrong - and I'm sure this will not be the case - he'll be upset also.

Unfortunately, my dh and I went through this in my first pregnancy and dh was just as upset at losing the baby as myself so offloaded to his own mum as he didn't want to upset me further initially. Picture Juliet Stevenson in the crying scene in Truely , Madly, Deeply.

WinkyWinkola · 08/07/2010 23:26

I have 2 sons and I would totally totally understand if their wives fell pg and told their mums first. Even if they didn't tell me until 20 weeks or so or whatever.

Because you see, it's not about me. It's not actually my business.

It's their pregnancy, their bodies and they tell who they feel they want to tell.

They'd tell me when they wanted to. And that's up to them. Because it's their lives.

KittyTN · 09/07/2010 00:17

YANBU. Your body, your choice.

Outrageous for dh to dictate who can be told and when 'because it's equally his child too'

Should DH chose what pain relief OP can have whilst in labour because it's his child too?