OK be honest, AIBU to be upset that my parents have reneged on their offer to help me buy a house

[FeelSoUpset100]

I was living in Madrid in a rented apartment until 2 years ago with my xh. It's all over now. I am back living with my parents now in their house in Surrey. Truth be told, life is not bad. This is a lovely house and there is room for everybody. My daughters have a bedroom each, the garden is massive, my parents have paid for a new swing set which arrives in a couple of days, also a paddling pool, a trampoline. The children are content and should be able to start c of E school in september, my parents are stalwarts of the parish. So to speak.

When I was thinking about coming home, my parents said to me that when I got a job they would breach the gap between my deposit and what mortgage I would be given (probably not enough to buy a house anywhere near here). I a lump sum but I DO need their help. I have been out of the work place for a long time now.

Anyway this is the bit I want to know AIBU to be upset... my parents have now said they won't give me the money afterall. They say that the children are happy here and it's near the school and that it's their decision and I can't expect it, which is ALL true of course. But they told me they would give me the money! I am just so upset. I can't believe that I have spent the last year (mostly before I came home) and some time here believing that they would help me buy a small house or a flat. I am not looking for a huge amount of money, just the smallest amount possible to buy the smallest place that 3 people can live in. Two girls can go in together, which my parents say is not fair after they are now used to their own bedrooms. My parents are retired and have paid off their mortgage. They have this money and I know I can't demand that people give me money. But yet I am incredibly upset. Oh yes, and my parents have made comments about how I shouldn't 'break up the girls' home again'. But they think we are moving somewhere in time. They know that. Or they did know that.

Am I being unreasonable to expect my parents to give me money to buy a house so that we can move out of their house?

I feel like I am 17 again. I need their cash but they are stifling my independence. Except that I'm not independent because I need them.

ps changed a few minor details and if you think you might knwo who this is... don't say I was whingeing on the internet. changed a couple of details to NOT be identified but I think i messed it up and will be anyway.

TBH they sound a bit smothering. I'd be moving out anyway into rented accom.

bridge the gap, not breach. Sorry.

If they said they would and now they have changed their minds then you're entitled to feel a bit pissed off. It's annoying when anyone does that no matter what the circumstances. I suspect most people won't feel much sympathy though. But my father is paying for my entire hovel to be renovated at the moment so I know where you're coming from regarding parental help IYSWIM.

It sounds as though this is their way of keeping you and your dds where they want you.

Is there no option to rent somewhere?

Well...

YABU to expect that your parents pay the difference.

However, they offered, you understandably leapt at it, and YANBU to be upset that the offer has been withdrawn.

Would be different if financial circumstances necessitated the withdrawal. But it seems they are in a position of immense and potentially suffocating power over your life - where you live, the schools your children go to, will you have future relationships? that kind of thing.

ON the one hand I can see that it might be lovely to be at home again, with help on hand and plenty of space, and doting grandparents. But I can see that the novelty might wear off if you are thwarted in making a bid for independence.

I could move into rented accom, btu Id be afraid I wouldn't be able to either afford anything near here. Well, I would be but i ahve 45k saved, that's my life's savings you know! I feel like i have to hold on to that money even more now... It is doing my head in though. They can't think that they can decide whether I "break the girls' home up again". That comment was just so unfair imo/

I understand why you are annoyed. But if you really want to move out then you will.

Rent if this is really important to you, but it also sounds like they like having all of you around. And TBH it doesn't sound like such a hardship living there?

Are you currently rent free? Can you use this time to save up yourself?

Of course yanbu, they offered the money a by the sounds of it are using it to control you tbh.

Yabu t think they must give it tho, that aint gonna happen so stop thinking about it.

I suggest you work your butt off and get outta there sharpish, my alarm bells are jingling, dunno bout yours woman !!

They are not stifling your independence, you could rent if you want to move out.

As for "Am I being unreasonable to expect my parents to give me money to buy a house so that we can move out of their house?" - yes. You are a grown women with your own family, if you want to buy a house then you should do it yourself and not expect it to be handed to you on a plate.

That's it pooka. I had no expectation until they mentioned it. They raised the subject of giving me the money, and during this last year I've been allwoing my hopes to rise, and looking at prices falling on the internet and getting all excited.

But yes, I know people wouldn't have much sympathy for me living in this house with its lovely garden 3 minutes walk from excellent school and so on. That's why no matter what I say about leaving my parents will have a reason to shoot it down. And they will say the girls will be the ones to suffer if I 'break up their home again".

Perhaps the economic circumstances mean that they no longer have the money available. My parents have a lovely house and belongings but no cash to speak off or easily accessible investments. To help DB and I materially they'd have to sell up. Do you think they are in this position?

Ah, you have 45k ??!!

Answer is staring you in the face, we can't have it all. That's part of being an adult.

I am not one of those grasping adult children who sits around calculating what their parents will leave them. My parents were only 24 and 26 when they had me and I'm 37 and they are very healthy, so I had certainly not entertained thoughts of 'what I would GET". They'll out live me. They don't need the wine and the ciggies like I do.

How is that the answer though Apocalypse, can I buy a house with with 45K?

Listen I get that this post sounds like daughter of rich parents moaning that her rich parents won't conveniently die and handover their cash, but seriously, it's more along the lines of having spent the last year dreaming about how I would do up MY house and our fresh start (me and the girls) and how we could go back to all our ways that my mum and dad find odd.

What would you lot do?

You have £45k in savings and are dithering about moving out? I know that is your life savings but I have never in my life has that kind of money. Why can't you get a mortgage with that kind of deposit, that doesn't add up to me. Surely it would be a good 20-5% deposit on a half decent place?

I think your parents moved the goalposts- have you found out why? and you have a right to be angry, but you either have to move out and make your own way, or forever be their "rescued" daughter.

I think you are reasonable to feel upset.

However with 45k I think you are being unreasonable to stop this letting you move out? Once you get a job you should be able to rent (presuming with 45k savings you have no debts?) or buy a small house somewhere? No idea where you live - although it sounds expensive so I sympathise. 45k would be a 35% deposit on our 3 or 4 bed house (box room/study).

Nope not at all, you don't sound spoiled. My dbros ex wives parents are SERIOUSLY wealthy and to an extent they have used it to control them......which backfired.

I would use the 45k as a deposit, move to a cheaper area ifyou must. Your parents are using the kids to emotionally blackmail you. Tell them to cancel that swing set !!

Yes Morloth, you will have even less sympathy if I tell you that I don't pay rent. I just save every penny I can, so in many ways, I would be crazy to leave. Not only do they not charge me rent and let me save every penny I can (not much though, have a low paid part time job, but still, I have saved some money which would have been impossible in rented accom)

So do I take a deep breath and just live here, saving, enjoying their nice house 5 minutes from town, drinking their gin, using their hot water etc...... or do I go and be all indpendent?! and would the novelty of that wear thin?

45k is 20% of 225,000

That would buy an OKish house wouldn't it?

i could probably get a mortage for about 145K! but I could buy nothing with that.

I don't blame you for being upset - clearly this is a way of controlling you but you need to get a job first presumably whatever happens to get a mortgage.

I suspect that if you had found a job and rented somewhere where you could afford to buy then their offer would still stand because they want you to be near them and their GC to go to a 'good' school. I bet they had hoped things would just pootle along with you all living together unless you've really been pushing your moving out agenda but I expect you've got a bit comfy. Is that fair?

Your last post is a bit odd

LOL, I would happily move home to my mother if she would have me - have been dropping hints to my MIL for years, so you are probably asking the wrong person.

Sounds like a pretty sweet deal TBH, independence is nice, regular meals are nicer.

What would you actually gain by moving out? Really? Sit down and work out the pros and cons, as I said in my first response if you really really want to be independent you will suck up the inconveniences that come with that and do it, but you can't have it both ways.

And if it isnt that bad, stay put !!

My sons respite carer lives with her parents in a smallish house. She has a son, it works fine and is much cheaper.

But be aware they ARE controlling you.

Maybe it would buy a house but not near them. That would put the frighteners up them. for a while this was just what I needed, but now I think I am going a bit crazy.