OK be honest, AIBU to be upset that my parents have reneged on their offer to help me buy a house

[FeelSoUpset100]

I was living in Madrid in a rented apartment until 2 years ago with my xh. It's all over now. I am back living with my parents now in their house in Surrey. Truth be told, life is not bad. This is a lovely house and there is room for everybody. My daughters have a bedroom each, the garden is massive, my parents have paid for a new swing set which arrives in a couple of days, also a paddling pool, a trampoline. The children are content and should be able to start c of E school in september, my parents are stalwarts of the parish. So to speak.

When I was thinking about coming home, my parents said to me that when I got a job they would breach the gap between my deposit and what mortgage I would be given (probably not enough to buy a house anywhere near here). I a lump sum but I DO need their help. I have been out of the work place for a long time now.

Anyway this is the bit I want to know AIBU to be upset... my parents have now said they won't give me the money afterall. They say that the children are happy here and it's near the school and that it's their decision and I can't expect it, which is ALL true of course. But they told me they would give me the money! I am just so upset. I can't believe that I have spent the last year (mostly before I came home) and some time here believing that they would help me buy a small house or a flat. I am not looking for a huge amount of money, just the smallest amount possible to buy the smallest place that 3 people can live in. Two girls can go in together, which my parents say is not fair after they are now used to their own bedrooms. My parents are retired and have paid off their mortgage. They have this money and I know I can't demand that people give me money. But yet I am incredibly upset. Oh yes, and my parents have made comments about how I shouldn't 'break up the girls' home again'. But they think we are moving somewhere in time. They know that. Or they did know that.

Am I being unreasonable to expect my parents to give me money to buy a house so that we can move out of their house?

I feel like I am 17 again. I need their cash but they are stifling my independence. Except that I'm not independent because I need them.

Ah i thought she lived 2 years with her parents. Ok apologies to op if i was wrong.

The '6 bed' comment was general because they have been some threads lately and i don't get the obsession with big or posh houses. Wasn't directed to OP. FWIW i don't think anyone is horrible, not the parents and not op.

expat -- she'd get a job there pretty easily too!

No idea why we haven't been able to sell our house ; it's pretty clear that the recent house-price boom has entirely been in the South East. Plus the house is grade-II listed, which may put off people who might want to expand into the loft (I actually bought the house in part BECAUSE it's listed!).

Hoping things will pick up a bit now the election is over.

Expat, I agree re the parents getting a hard time. They had a nice home to enjoy their retirement in and suddenly their daughter and grandchildren live there. If the OP truly wanted to be independent then she would have come back with her £45k and either rented or moved to an area she could afford.

She is getting free accomodation, free meals and free childcare but thinks she's not unreasonable in wanting more! Its probably why her parents have decided its too much to also have to fund a house for her.

As for "owning my own house outright would still be my first choice" - lots of people would love to do this but most dont expect it to be bought for them. You have enough for a good deposit, with your wages and maintenance you should easily be able to move out. Yes you may have to leave Surrey but its not the end of the world. There are jobs in many areas if you are not fussy re the work.

The only obstacles are the ones you are creating, rather than slating your parents for not giving you an open cheque book you should get out into the real world where hard work is needed to buy a house etc.

HMOO - did OP mention maintenance ? Didn't think that was part of the picture.

Not sure that 'slating parents for not giving an open cheque book' is quite the case either, as OP made clear that minimum necessary was in her thoughts, and parents had made the offer, it was neither asked for, nor expected.

Real issue is the U-turn (and OP's parents are far from the only ones to do this, based on some other posts).

I get the impression that OP is getting the "get on with it, I/ we/ others did/ have/ can" - which of itself is understandable, but I feel sure OP is thinking that's the only way forward anyway, given there's not much other than "bettering her career prospects" as suggestions from this thread.

hear hear happymummyofone.

I also agree with laquitar.

The OP doesn't know she's born - no rent and no childcare costs - that's exactly what eats up most people's earnings when they have young kids - couples as well as single parents!

She should count her blessings and be proactive. Sorry OP but you're not going to get the sympathy vote by bleating about not being able to afford Surrey prices. I was brought up in London, couldn't afford to stay there - so I moved. It's no big deal - So do thousands of other people. Maybe you would have been better off (from an independence viewpoint) in starting your new life somewhere else when you moved back, rather than moving in with your parents, taking advantage of all the perks, and then getting in a tizz about how you'll cope without them.

You need your independence, and they need a retirement that's spent as a couple - they've done their years of having their children living under their roof!

If you really value 'independence' then you get a full-time job, or two part-time ones, to take advantage of the free childcare.

I was burning to be independent.

So I've always worked and haven't lived at home since I was 18.

Violet, yes rent and childcare is the biggest issue for most people. And even more important is the flexibility. Many single mums cant take any job, cant do odd shifts, cant travel for a seminar in another city..or get emergency childcare when the child is ill of school.

OP, i am not criticising you, am just trying to help you see the positive (free childcare on tap) and use it. It is your opportunity to make things happen. You said it is a crap job on mw. Go for something better then. It will be pitty to miss this chance. If so many of us could do it in a foreign country and in a second language (look my english grammar and i run my own bussiness) then you can do it. Just set realistic goals and break it down into steps.

KatieKitty - I'm so with you on this one.

The only people I've known who've relied on parents to fund their lifestyle wants & needs have grown up to be and are worthless losers.

OP - if you're still reading, then hope all goes well. Having seen some of the barbed comments I'd be far from surprised if you want to post again, though hope you see some posts which are constructive and help.

OP, I think envy somewhat colours the perspective of some of the posters on here.
Personally, I would move out. My parents are the kind of people who if they had money would be controlling. My in laws are rich and are of a similar type, so I have made sure we have never accepted money off them. For example, we paid for our wedding ourselves rather than let anyone contribute. Owning property is not the be all and end all for me, but the ability to steer my own destiny without the inteference (however well meaning) of parents is very important to me. I wouldn't even stay 2 years, it will get harder and harder to move out as your children really settle into their schools.

I'd be glad I had parents tbh. Mine died in my 30s and never saw their grandkids. If that doesn't give you some perspective then nothing will. Keep on being disappointed by all means. Life's not ideal. But make the best of what you've got and stop harping on about what you think you should have.
Sorry to be harsh. I do understand why you're upset in a way, but in the great scheme of things, I'm sorry. It's not so bad. You can make the most of it and enjoy your extended family.