OK be honest, AIBU to be upset that my parents have reneged on their offer to help me buy a house

[FeelSoUpset100]

I was living in Madrid in a rented apartment until 2 years ago with my xh. It's all over now. I am back living with my parents now in their house in Surrey. Truth be told, life is not bad. This is a lovely house and there is room for everybody. My daughters have a bedroom each, the garden is massive, my parents have paid for a new swing set which arrives in a couple of days, also a paddling pool, a trampoline. The children are content and should be able to start c of E school in september, my parents are stalwarts of the parish. So to speak.

When I was thinking about coming home, my parents said to me that when I got a job they would breach the gap between my deposit and what mortgage I would be given (probably not enough to buy a house anywhere near here). I a lump sum but I DO need their help. I have been out of the work place for a long time now.

Anyway this is the bit I want to know AIBU to be upset... my parents have now said they won't give me the money afterall. They say that the children are happy here and it's near the school and that it's their decision and I can't expect it, which is ALL true of course. But they told me they would give me the money! I am just so upset. I can't believe that I have spent the last year (mostly before I came home) and some time here believing that they would help me buy a small house or a flat. I am not looking for a huge amount of money, just the smallest amount possible to buy the smallest place that 3 people can live in. Two girls can go in together, which my parents say is not fair after they are now used to their own bedrooms. My parents are retired and have paid off their mortgage. They have this money and I know I can't demand that people give me money. But yet I am incredibly upset. Oh yes, and my parents have made comments about how I shouldn't 'break up the girls' home again'. But they think we are moving somewhere in time. They know that. Or they did know that.

Am I being unreasonable to expect my parents to give me money to buy a house so that we can move out of their house?

I feel like I am 17 again. I need their cash but they are stifling my independence. Except that I'm not independent because I need them.

I think Its the reason they seem to be giving on why they have altered their minds that is upsetting - controlling you and your children.... Not healthy...

But you can break this. You'll get over the upset and decide if it's independence or parental easy home lifestyle you want. There's no rush... Keep your options open to buying or renting... Keep flicking through the property guides under their noses ( oops sorry - sly idea!)

so, Goldenbear, what's your answer to the situation?

I'm trying to put myself in the place of the parents here - trying to see what they may be thinking.

If my daughter were to be living at home at the age of 37, I'd worry about the choices she had made and the choices she might make in the future.

I'd worry about her ability to look after herself and her children. I wouldn't be inclined to fork out any cash until she'd got herself sorted properly

So why not prove that you are able to live independently? Go out, get a proper job.

I agree with that Quattro. I would imagine that underneath the surface, the parents are probably very worried and uneasy about the situation. They may not be dealing with that the best way - it sounds as though they can be controlling and have obviously been inconsistent about the money issue - but then in their favour, they have done their best to make their home pleasant for the OPs children.

I would be seriously worried if one of my dd's still lived with me at 37, hadn't worked at all for ten years, was only working part time now and expected massive handouts from me. I would definitely feel they weren't behaving as a responsible adult. The best thing the OP can do - for herself and her daughters, is prove that she can stand on her own two feet.

Oh, okay, have read whole thread now.

Only working part-time?

In a recession?

Last in, first out.

No, I don't think this is a good time to buy for most people at all, especially in a first-time buyer situation.

But in yours? No way.

I would be peeved to have been lead down the garden path so to speak, and that is made worse as it was your parents thathave lead you joyfully on a dream.

Ok so know you have had a knock, not as big a knwck as the last one but still.

So pick yourself up and decide what you are going to do in the cold light of day.

you have choices so list them....

mine would be stay here a year, save and sort my employments out

rent now and sort both employment and renting out and schools and childcare

stay her three years invest and save and see what I have adn see what I can buy then

and so on as you think about the list of things you could do....

how will they feel if you do find a man? and you may well do even if you think you wouln't

One of my friend's is selling her small house (in a not so nice area) and buying her IL's a bungalow so she can live in their house which is big and in the area she wants to live in.

We were all a bit that her IL's are happy to do that. She will own their bungalow, but she wants to make changes to it to 'add value'. And she wants to make changes to their house. All very complicated .

But back to the OP, I don't think she's being unreasonable about her parents offer withdrawal, but hopefully fate will point her in a better direction. And who really wants to be that in debt to their parents in their 30s?

The op didn't ask for a 3 page report outlining what she should specifically do to overcome her problem, she asked if she was unreasonble to feel disappointed with her parents'...er.... lie!

do you think that a year on they are worryied abut their savings and possibly concerned about the money loss could one day effect their standard of living?

That it was offered and then when they thought about it panicked?

It's quite incredible the animosity on here because a woman has 45K in savings at age 37 and accepted an offer from family to buy a house post divorce.

It's not a crime ?

She's not moaning...just mulling over options. I think if I'd feel fragile and vulnerable after a divorce and relocation.

The OP feels manipulated but torn because of their original generous offer and their continuing generosity in giving their home. BUT she recognises they don't wish to set her free but keep their grandchildren on site...... hence her confusion and distress.

Some posters are posting from a very jealous position, I can't help feeling.

Maybe the parents felt pressured into saying it against their better judgement when their adult daughter turned up back in the UK with no job and no where to live......

Try seeing it from their perspective.

At least the OP wasn't homeless, or living in some grotty run down b and b with miserable children. She has had, by her own admission, a very comfortable lifestyle and more than a helping hand in getting back on her feet.

Ok - the parents said something daft and then in the cold light of day have reconsidered. But that's all. There are a lot worse things. The OP is in danger of biting the hand that feeds her. Pick yourself up and move forward and have a life that's YOURS.

I have just divorced and am marketing my house. My parents have just offered to help me buy my next home. I'm mid forties.

I will be refusing because of the fear of feeling controlled or beholden.

I can buy my own home. If I couldn't would I accept help.....

Just supposing I accepted and they then reneged on the agreement in order to try and control my life in some way, however lovely their generosity....I'd be very upset

Nope, I'm not jealous!

OP, I don't know if you are coming back, but hopefully you do...if only to read my words of wisdom.

It sounds to me like your parents have the right intentions, but the wrong methods. The best thing for your children (and you) is a bit of stability. And it sounds like they are offering that. And maybe they don't think you and/or your children are quite ready to go it on your own. It's hard work being a single mum and even harder being a single mum with not enough money and a job you don't like. I'm not condoning how your parents went about trying to get you to stay with them a little while longer. (Not all parents are perfect, even if well-intentioned) What they probably should have said is "Why don't you stay with us a few more years, save up a little more money, get a good job that you enjoy and let us help you with childcare (this is huge) in the meantime and then we'll help you get your own place when you are ready." It doesn't sound like you are unhappy living with your parents and there is absolutely nothing wrong with having your family help you, even at 37. (I'm 47 and my parents still help me financially....I only wish they lived in the same city as I do). That's what families are supposed to do - support each other in times of need, and I just feel sorry for people who don't have families like that.

violethill she does have a life that's hers, not everyone lives and acts in isolation. It is not a weakness to accept help as you're suggesting.

OP, I'm not trying to play amateur psychology hour here but from your OP and what you've said afterwards, it doesn't feel like the real problem is your parents changing their mind. It seems to me like you don't feel in control of things at the moment and actually with a divorce behind you, an overseas move, a job you don't like and two daughters to take care of I think that's not surprising and that's before you add the bit where you're dependent on your parents. I don't know about you but when life calls the shots instead of me, medium sized setbacks (particularly those where I don't get what I want) often feel like the end of the world and I feel worse because with my head I can see that it really shouldn't be so bad / I'm pretty lucky etc. I'd like to suggest something constructive, but not being an expert I think the best I can do is to say are you sure that you've got the right problem here...? Would everything really have been ok with a new house ?

A couple of things strike me here. Firstly, not everyone who lives in Surrey lives in a massive house, so those of you who think they go hand in hand need to rethink that. I live in a tiny little box in Surrey, this is only possible with significant help from my parents. To live elsewhere would mean leaving everything I've ever known. I can't help where I was born. So get over the Surrey thing, it's like assuming all people in the North wear flat caps.

Secondly, it's laughable how many people have told her to look into benefits, housing association etc but slated her for accepting help from her parents. Help from the state is there for people who have no other options, surely? The op does have other options but she's apparently not being grown up enough by contemplating taking them.

£45k is peanuts as far as buying property here is concerned (sorry op!) and renting is just as expensive as a mortgage. There are no easy answers but she asked if she was being U re: her parents, she didn't ask for a critique of her life choices.

Ok I know it has been said but I think your parents like having you and your dc there and are being incredibly selfish.

I personally do not think you are being at all unreasonable. They made an offer to you on which you based your choices and have now withdrawn that because they want you and your kids to keep living with them.

Very, very wrong imvho.

Personally I would bite the bullet, move out and rent somewhere, show them that you mean business and you will do it with or without their help.

I couldn't be living with my parents under any circumstances lordy no!

Perhaps they made the offer without realising you had 45k?

I don't agree parents are 'controlling' the OP! Feelsoupset, you are an adult and cannot be controlled unless you let yourself be. You are 37 and a mother.
Sounds to me like they have re-negged (sp?) after spending time with your dc and concluding that, in their opinion, they need stablility and to stay put would be the best option with continuity, a loving extended family, big house and good school. So after soul searching they changed their minds about what they feel is best way of supporting the three of you.
Now I wouldn't stay with them as I couldn't bear to live with my parents for many reasons not least feeling 'like a 17 year old'.
I thin you have to do what everyone has to do, muddle through afford what you can. You have enough money to get yourself something, albeit smal surely. Them's the breaks.
However, I don't think YABU to be upset about the change of mind and to feel despairing at this point. But you can do this. And I wish you all the best

No one has an entitlement to live in a particular kind of house in a particular area. Millions of people move away from the area from where their parents live because they can't afford it, or for work reasons.

Two years living rent free with no childcare costs and 45k in the bank is more than enough time and resources to get back on your feet - indeed, as many people have pointed out, it's a darn sight more than most people get!

I bet the reality of this is far more 'grey' than many people are trying to make it sound. The parents sound very generous with their time and money already - housing 3 adults and 2 children is a lot more expensive than housing a retired couple, so already they have given a huge amount in terms of expense.

When their daughter got in touch, saying she was moving back to the UK, with their two young grand daughters, with no home or job - yes, they probably agreed to more than they should have done. No doubt they were very worried and wanted to reassure the OP that she wouldn't be left homeless and penniless. Now, two years on, the OP is working (albeit part time and not earning much) and she has 45k in the bank. There may be all sorts of reasons why they don't feel it's right to part with a huge wodge of their money (while the OP keeps her 45k of course, because interestingly she doesn't want to part with that!). Yes, it's not good when anyone changes their mind about something, but it's hardly as though the parents have been uncaring is it? Two years of expense and generosity, and one mistake.

Actually, everyone seems to be conveniently ignoring the 45k issue. The OP admits that she coud afford to move out using her savings but she doesn't want to 'because its her life savings'. Get real. How on earth does she think most people manage to live independently. TBH it sounds as though the parents made an unwise decision in the first place to offer money, and the OP sounds rather spoilt.

I'd probably stay and keep saving, seriously look at moving when either a) I'd had enough of well-meaning advice and commenting on my parenting, b) I started a new relationship or c) I had enough money to move somewhere I felt like moving.

You've just split with an ex-h. I don't see the point in using your savings on rent and I don't see the point in buying somewhere extremely small when you don't have to as you might meet someone and want to set up home again and why tie all your savings into a flat? Just stay there.

boyngirl - you sum it up perfectly.

The OP has a choice - again, more than many people have!

Stay with the parents, and enjoy a hugely subsidised very comfortable lifestyle, but not have independence, or learn to adjust your lifestyle but have independence.

I'm with boyngirl - I would not feel comfortable living with my parents at 37, but the OP has to make her own decision. It's not like her world will fall apart. There are other good schools. Sisters sharing a bedroom never killed anybody. It'll just mean adjusting to live within her means, rather than relying on huge handouts.

OP really just needs to decide which is more important independence or comfort/convenience.

It is annoying about the offer being withdrawn, but only annoying. If they had followed through would their names have been on the title to the house do you think?

expat we sound very similar, if something happened to DH I wouldn't want another man, men are hard work. My Mum has been single since Dad died 20 years ago and loves it.

'Personally I would bite the bullet, move out and rent somewhere, show them that you mean business and you will do it with or without their help.

I couldn't be living with my parents under any circumstances lordy no! '

I agree with shimmerysilverglitter. It is unfortunate that they said one thing and then changed their mind, but you are not 17, you are 37 so don't have to be controlled-be independent. They might change their minds again if they see that you are not going to live with them, as the alternative.