OK be honest, AIBU to be upset that my parents have reneged on their offer to help me buy a house

[FeelSoUpset100]

I was living in Madrid in a rented apartment until 2 years ago with my xh. It's all over now. I am back living with my parents now in their house in Surrey. Truth be told, life is not bad. This is a lovely house and there is room for everybody. My daughters have a bedroom each, the garden is massive, my parents have paid for a new swing set which arrives in a couple of days, also a paddling pool, a trampoline. The children are content and should be able to start c of E school in september, my parents are stalwarts of the parish. So to speak.

When I was thinking about coming home, my parents said to me that when I got a job they would breach the gap between my deposit and what mortgage I would be given (probably not enough to buy a house anywhere near here). I a lump sum but I DO need their help. I have been out of the work place for a long time now.

Anyway this is the bit I want to know AIBU to be upset... my parents have now said they won't give me the money afterall. They say that the children are happy here and it's near the school and that it's their decision and I can't expect it, which is ALL true of course. But they told me they would give me the money! I am just so upset. I can't believe that I have spent the last year (mostly before I came home) and some time here believing that they would help me buy a small house or a flat. I am not looking for a huge amount of money, just the smallest amount possible to buy the smallest place that 3 people can live in. Two girls can go in together, which my parents say is not fair after they are now used to their own bedrooms. My parents are retired and have paid off their mortgage. They have this money and I know I can't demand that people give me money. But yet I am incredibly upset. Oh yes, and my parents have made comments about how I shouldn't 'break up the girls' home again'. But they think we are moving somewhere in time. They know that. Or they did know that.

Am I being unreasonable to expect my parents to give me money to buy a house so that we can move out of their house?

I feel like I am 17 again. I need their cash but they are stifling my independence. Except that I'm not independent because I need them.

Fatowl - I'm confused by your analogy...

Life isn't a toothpast commercial?

Umm, I think the OP is pretending it is, by living a cosy life, yet, all funded by ma and pa, while, she (OP) could be providing a life herself, but it wouldn't be quite as cosy and squeaky clean, because she would have to do what the rest of the world does and open her own purse.

Your analogy doesn't stand up

I am still lost for words at the sense of entitlement of the OP

And, if you're directing the 'pointless bile' towards me, please be more specific as I can't see why my opinion upsets you so much?

Agree with katiekitty and quattro.

FGS stop whinging and grow up.

The only thing you have to (slightly) irritated about is that your parents told you one thing but are doing another. But if they'd never offered to help buy you a house in the first place, then you wouldn't feel like you're losing anything would you? And actually, that's the real world for most adults.

So you can't afford to singlehandedly buy a massive house in Surrey? Well, my heart bleeds. Neither can thousands of other people, even those where both parents in the family have worked relentlessly without the decade of staying at home that you've had.

Sort your own life out and stop setting such a poor example to your children. Do you really want to raise them to think it's ok to be bailed out by your parents when you're 37

Fat Owl:

You say" KaitKitty your anger sounds rather unhealthy if you don't mind my saying

you don't even KNOW the OP "

Why - do you?

oh god here come the vultures

luckily OP has GONE, so you might want to go and direct your ire somewhere else

yeah god, accepting help from her parents... how terrible

no Katie, but then I am not the one wanting to punch a hole in the wall because I can barely control my anger at a complete stranger accepting help from her family

She is asking is she is being unreasonable to upset that her parents have withdrawn their offer of a loan.

Everything else is extra.

If she had 20p and her parents had said they would lend her the money for a new school uniform and then retracted, then you'd all be up in arms.

FFS some people here have a bloody wardrobe not a chip

I think you are well within your rights to be upset about this as you sound like you have gone through a pretty shit time recently.

FWIW I think it's a broader issue to be honest in that a lot of our parents' generation where lucky with property and subsequently hold a lot of the wealth, especially in the south east. It maybe only in property but at least they have that!

My mum and dad moved from the midlands to London in the 70's and bought a 3 bed detached house with no problems. My dad confirmed it was a lot easier then and they had no help! A lot of their friends have nice homes that they bought with ease and are now worth 400 - 600k ish. Most of them are helping their children in 30's with deposits because otherwise there is no chance of getting to buy anything.

We are currently renting out our 1 bed flat in Brighton and have a deposit but we cannot make the next move up easily, so we rented in a cheaper area but it it still 890 pcm and my dp works in Brighton so another 130 in travel.

It is not as easy as saying 'relocate' to a cheaper part of the country when in your case you would be isolated with 2 young children. We can't do that because my dp works in a good architect's practice, these jobs are not ten a penny.

You have my every sympathy, I would stay put and search for the better job as suggested earlier.

Her parents have let her live rent free in their house for 2 years, and have even kitted out their garden with a trampoline and swings for her children! They've been bloody helpful! And no doubt they've been unpaid babysitters too.

And now they're drawing a line and saying, well actually, we've more than helped you get back on your feet, but we really would quite like to have our own home back for ourselves at some point.

How unreasonable of them.....not!

Some people's sense of entitlement beggars belief.

Well.. um, help usually comes without strings, but is seems for the OP it coems with conditions.

I am not a vulture, what a pity you have to resort to name-calling

I think OP should grow up, live her OWN life and not be asking for pocket money at her age with DC

And, as Violet pointed out, what will OP do when her DC are of an age and eyeing up her bank balance?

Grim

Get a life -of your own Op and be proud of it.

violethill, have you read the entire post?

they aren't asking for their own home back at all, they're saying they won't now give her the money they promised because they want them all to stay there! so now they're guilt-tripping her into staying by saying it's not fair to break up the girl's home again

so it isn't that at all!

I am seeing the irony of "massive house in Surrey", she can't afford to buy any house in Surrey, 1 bed flat possibly but not anything else!

I'm not sure they'd loan the op £145k either, my husband works full time we have 50% equity and they will only loan us 4 x his salary based on affordibility - the rules have really changed out there it is veyr hard to borrow at the moment.

Just imagine you can almost afford to buy a property that is big enough for your family, someone offers you the rest of the money you need - fab you look at places, get a job etc believing that this time next year you will be buying a home. Then they turn around and say no because we want you here with us.

Would you really not be upset?

I'm 36 (had to think about that for a second ), and my parents still help me out now and again. I don't expect it, and I'm grateful, but it has to be said that their generation had a better chance of buiding a secure base than we do: education generally was a path to a real career, houses were cheaper relatively and have increased in value since. I guess it helps too that they were less likely to find themselves divorced and penniless. If I'd been in that position I would be doing a lot better for myself, and would be happy to help my kids out too.

Why don't you spend the next couple of years getting some qualifications to enable you to get a better job?

You say your ExDH never looked after you yet you haven't worked for 10yrs. This makes little sense to me.

Why should they give her their money?

I agree that it was ill advised for them to ever suggest they would, but honestly, why should a capable functioning adult of 37 expect to rely on other adults to pay for the lifestyle they want?

Yeah, but BOF - she aint penniless, OP has 45k in savings and she works so has an income...

I supose it depends on what OP wants: life woith mum and dad, all expenses paid

Ot independence?

Only she knows

but she isn't relying on them. they offered for her to live there so she did... who wouldn't?
what is so bad about accepting help?

she has spent that time saving every penny to get a house for herself and her daughters, basing this on the assumption that her parents would help her out, as they promised

now that isn' thappening she has said several times that she will stay with them until she has the money herself to move out. or, she will look further afield;

i really don't get what everyone's problem is with this?

I think many adults who haven't had a ten year career break would love to have 45k in savings.......

When you move out, Feel, can we go live with your folks?

I'd love to have a garden.

We're lifelong renters, though, so it's either stay in this flat, which is HA so assured tenancy, or if we go for the garden there's every risk we'll be turfed out in 6 months.

That's true- I have never had a penny in savings. But I can get why the OP needs to hang on to them if she wants to buy a house.

Well thisisyearerday - I suppose it's time to be a teenager again and stamp one's foot and DEMAND what her parents said they'd do

Or, alternatively, OP could say, ok, well, I'll do it anyway! (teenager style) and jolly well move out and do what most of the world do and make inroads into their bak account

Unless, OP is saving that 45k for her own dc when they learn the lessons she is setting: i.e. parents pay

Still can't understand feelsoupset's viewpoint

Its a shame that this thread has turned into this.

Can everyone who is condemming her for having 45k savings ps lease remember that she has just got divorced, so this is likely to be proceeds from house sale/settlement. It hasnt come from robbing old ladies or selling drug

Just been chatting it over with dh, and really I cant see how you can afford to move out.

Rough calcs/estimates are - 200k house

200k - your deposit = £155k mortgage.

Even if your parents gave you 55k, you'd still have a 100k mortgage, which given that you'd probably need to repay over 20 years (assuming your are 35ish), would be £700+, then of course council tax, rates, cost of living on top of that you are taking the best part of £2k a month... which I'm guessing you dont earn at the moment.

Unless my figures are way off, or I have missed something, I dont know how you can afford to move out whilst working part time.

I know nothing about benefits, so dont know wat if anything you would be entitled to, but I assume the fact that you have savings will go against you - but not sure whether this would be the case if you used it as a deposit for a house.

'I could move into rented accom, btu Id be afraid I wouldn't be able to either afford anything near here. Well, I would be but i ahve 45k saved, that's my life's savings you know!'

• That's your answer as to why she doesn't want to use her 45k.

She wants to move out and live independently as long as it doesn't involve spending any of her own money. What the hell does she think other people use as a deposit for buying/renting or setting up house costs?

Get the violins out.

She's working part time? This gets even better!

Er..... get a full time job?

'sense of entitlement' is such an over used phase on mumsnet, I don't think it applies in this case, they lied to her and are withdrawing it for blatantly selfish reasons.

As I said it's a broader issue, buying a property in certain areas, on a professional salary is simply unattainable without help, in the past it wasn't!