OK be honest, AIBU to be upset that my parents have reneged on their offer to help me buy a house

[FeelSoUpset100]

I was living in Madrid in a rented apartment until 2 years ago with my xh. It's all over now. I am back living with my parents now in their house in Surrey. Truth be told, life is not bad. This is a lovely house and there is room for everybody. My daughters have a bedroom each, the garden is massive, my parents have paid for a new swing set which arrives in a couple of days, also a paddling pool, a trampoline. The children are content and should be able to start c of E school in september, my parents are stalwarts of the parish. So to speak.

When I was thinking about coming home, my parents said to me that when I got a job they would breach the gap between my deposit and what mortgage I would be given (probably not enough to buy a house anywhere near here). I a lump sum but I DO need their help. I have been out of the work place for a long time now.

Anyway this is the bit I want to know AIBU to be upset... my parents have now said they won't give me the money afterall. They say that the children are happy here and it's near the school and that it's their decision and I can't expect it, which is ALL true of course. But they told me they would give me the money! I am just so upset. I can't believe that I have spent the last year (mostly before I came home) and some time here believing that they would help me buy a small house or a flat. I am not looking for a huge amount of money, just the smallest amount possible to buy the smallest place that 3 people can live in. Two girls can go in together, which my parents say is not fair after they are now used to their own bedrooms. My parents are retired and have paid off their mortgage. They have this money and I know I can't demand that people give me money. But yet I am incredibly upset. Oh yes, and my parents have made comments about how I shouldn't 'break up the girls' home again'. But they think we are moving somewhere in time. They know that. Or they did know that.

Am I being unreasonable to expect my parents to give me money to buy a house so that we can move out of their house?

I feel like I am 17 again. I need their cash but they are stifling my independence. Except that I'm not independent because I need them.

I am feeling much better monkey, thank you - things are starting to straighten out

MN helped!

BEing told that you can't provide for your children as well as the can

Kitting out their garden in a way you can't

Feeling they have a right to say in how you live your life and what you do

Potentially not being allowed to date!

See, none of that would bother me, Car.

It really wouldn't.

I also thought dating sucked and if DH died or left me, I'd not bother tbh.

So again, I'm the wrong person to be on this thread, probably .

Sorry.

I am really really pleased to hear that. Have you posted on your orig thread? I really felt for you, because dedicated practitioners like you are hard to find.

Anyway, back to the OP!

Also, I was one of the most independent people going from birth.

Man, it so fucked up my life.

if you could get a £145,000 mortgage, PLUS the £45k you have you could get a decent house where I am (west sussex) easily
we paid £170,000 for our 3 bed end of terrace and it isn't bad

and we aren't a hundred miles away from surrey (dep on which bit you're in)

I agree with pp who've said just tell them you are going. you HAVE to get on with your life, and that doesn't involve living with them forever. it just isn't practical.
so... you'll be looking at where you can get the most from your money

Look, you seem a bit U given the 45K, but for the rest YANBU.

My Dad (who is in bad health and 85, not that I am hoping him to die anytime soon, I love my Dad) is seriously weird with money, I mean weird, and I resent it more and more each time he is weird with it.

He is not rich, but very comfortable, will buy me a dining room table randomly (and then moan because I liked a different colour table to him), yet not help when my washing machine breaks, make hints about sending DD to private school for secondary, yet not offer a dime now I am on fairly long term sick leave.

I hate it, and I've got to the point now where I don't register his offers to buy me things, that I don't want anyway, but it seems silly to not take them and of course he takes the huff if I don't accept.

I just don't get it at all.

Some people are odd with money.
If I were you I'd do it on your own and accept you have to, and then you don't owe anyone anything.

slight hijack - but goes to show how misunderstandings arise....

LadyInTheRadiator lets read all of the posts between us on this thread:

I was responding to this:

LITR "You haven't said what your contract is or how many hours you do - when asked you say you're off!" and "What's your income? HAve you actually looked at the figures? CAn't you work full time?"

T "LadyintheRadiator surely the OP is to see if we think her parents are unreasonable in going back on their promise?

Why on earth should OP have to reveal more and more details of her specific circ - it is very likely that giving these will make her very identifiable. "

LITR "tabouleh I don't remember demanding details, I was offering to talk it through, not asking to see her bloody bank statement."

T "LadyInTheRadiator

"You haven't said what your contract is or how many hours you do - when asked you say you're off!" = asking for details of specific circs (IMO)

or "demanding details" as you put it"

LITR "tabouleh yes it was an offer to talk it through, see what she earns, not demanding???? "

The use of the word "demanding" is only yours - I merely quoted it back at you . Yet you are there probably saying FFS I'm not demanding info.

I never said you were I said IMO OP shouldn't have to reveal more of her circumstances. We are discussing whether SIBU to be upset about parents change of heart!

Really Expat.

I'm pretty much extranged from my parents and no I couldn't ever live with them again - the constant criticisms, told your wrong, not being allowed feelings.

People, people. I don't think LITR was a bitch - she is merely trying to see/get the whole picture. And a possible "troll accusation" is really not as bad as a lot of people try to make it out to be on what is essentially a message board with made-up names with no faces.

To the OP, yes, it sucks that your parents have done that to you. Seriously though, all this business about home ownership is rather obsessive in this country. Understandably so, but still. The fact of the matter is you would like to own your own home. However, it is not absolutely necessary. You simply need to weigh up how important it is to you for your own little nuclear family to have its own independence.

Moving out and renting would be a PITA initially, given the description of your current set-up. Your circumstances would change. Your daughters may (shock, horror!) have to share a room (it's not fatal, y'know). You may need to take up more hours of work/try and find a better paying job. You would need to find a new support network (it's hard but can be done. The "Mumsnet backwards" site usually have very good local boards where it is possible to connect with people with similar aged DCs to yours etc). You just need to ask yourself whether it would be worth it.

What I will say is that it will not do your children any good to see their mother being held to ransom by their gps. Children are a lot more perceptive than we think, and I can envision a moment down the line where they defer to their gps and not YOU because they can see or sense what little control you have/have had in their lives.

You know it almost sounds like your parents are providing the perfect home for your dds. I think I'd be off and out as soon as possible.

Ah, see, living with mine in a big house like that would be my idea, and DHs and the kids', of heaven.

But mine are supercritical.

The other stuff wouldn't bother me.

I'd happily live in a compound setting with my folks and sister and her family.

My independence was formerly the bane of my existence, quite literally.

Sorry, aren't supercritical.

To respond to the OP (have read rest of thread), I think YANBU in that you thought you were going to be able to buy a house for yourself and your girls with your parents help. A house that would provide stability post divorce. If you've had a shit time of it any shred of independant stability is something to grab hold of.
You had all your certainties whisked away with the end of your marriage and just as you get your plans right for your new home this is whisked away again. And you can't help feeling that there is some control, some moral judgement going on.

Can you tell I'm in exactly the same position? (minus the savings!).

I would look at guarantor (sp?) mortgages. Your parents wouldn't have to pay out any actual money and yet that gap could still be bridged. I, on the other hand, am waiting until I can buy somewhere completely on my own!

Good god!

I'm right with Ladyintheradiator - Feelsoupset - how on god's earth have you got to the age you are, with DC and all, and with 45k under your belt and STILL you feel dependent on your parents?

I am lost for words and it's been AGES since I waded into AIBU, but, seriously, you think you can't rent somewhere? You can't move out? You can't do ANYTHING?

Lady, I've done much more with no savings and have lived to tell the tale.

You need to grow up.

FGS, you have savings but are holding out for the promise of more money? At what cost?

FFS

Fat Owl? what? at me?

OP, I think you need to realise that you are not hard done to and that if you want the nice things in life then you have to earn them - not wait for mummy and daddy to provide them.

What sort of lesson are you teaching your children?

and boom! it all kicks off again.

she is teaching them that life is not a toothpaste commercial and people have to do their best with the circumstances they have

and she is asking for advice, not pointless bile

why is it that even when a thread like this has gone really well and been constructive, we always end up with the sharks circling sooner or later?

Yes it does

It's taken this self-indulgent me, me, me post to bring me back into the AIBU fold and seldom have I seen such wallowing.

Seriously, 45k in the bank, a job bringing in more money, possibly maintenance as divorce looming, yet feelsoupset feels entitled to more.

OP - do what other people do - have you READ any other posts on here from mnetters who are doing anything they can to live? without savings? without rich parents dangling the carrot of wealth?

Do you have any friends in the RL who don't have mummy and daddy to bail them out?

Excuse me while I go and punch a hole in the wall from anger...

I can see why you are disappointed, OP. I kind of agree with Hecate though- would it noot be possible to sit down with them and discuss the implications of this? How do your parents think it is good for YOU to be forever in their home?

You are 37 years old. Old enough to sort yourself out financially. It sounds as though you have free childcare on tap - retrain. get a proper job, buy your own house ...

KaitKitty your anger sounds rather unhealthy if you don't mind my saying

you don't even KNOW the OP

the thread is about whether she is unreasonable to feel upset that her parents have withdrawn an offer to help

I, for one, think she is perfectly entitled to be upset about that, esp given their reasons for withdrawing help!

I also think that it isn't unreasonable of her not to want to spend her savings on renting somewhere. and I applaud her for staying where she is until she can afford to buy somewhere for them all to live

nowhere has the OP asked for anything to be handed to her on a plate.